Saturday, November 19, 2005
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Earlier today I started to get that panicky feeling because I hadn't felt her move nearly all day. I even tried laying down and changing positions, etc.. and she wasn't moving. Finally I just starting trying to move her with my hands. After about 10 minutes of me manipulating the bulge in front of me she finally started kicking me back. Relief soon turned to pain, because she hasn't stopped moving since. Still I am relieved.
Tomorrow I go for my third ultrasound to make sure things are okay in there. They think the baby might be growing a bit too fast and too much. They want to know how big she is now, how much fluid is in there, and how well my placenta is working. Since I'm measuring 2 weeks over still, I think they're thinking I might be further along than they first thought. We'll also get to see and make sure its still a girl we're having. I really hope so because I have no gender neutral clothes. People just don't seem to give them to us, only "pink" and "purple".
I'll update tomorrow on the condition of my uterus. ;-)
Saturday, November 12, 2005
The woman online who was all up his ass for two weeks, and he addmittedly was grouping and talking with her because he was up late with insomnia and she was there... suddenly has started acting strange. I started talking with her and we both grouped with her. (we're talking about a roleplaying game online if you don't undertand. Everquest 2) She was a complete and total flake! Everything that usually annoys the both of us about other people in a group- SHE DID! Started to make me wonder why he ever wanted to group with her in the first place! He tells me she wasn't like this before. So why now? Is she trying to drive me away so she can go back to having him to herself? As a test, I logged out. Dh logged in another character. Immediatly she sent him a tell asking him questions. "How are things with your wife?" "Whats going on at home?" Strange things like that. He says he doesn't know why she's fishing so bad. He blew her off and logged out pretty discusted. Seems she only wants to talk to him and be a normal person when I'm offline. Hmmm... Very interesting.
I've come to the conclusion that I hate other women. Sure, it might be that I'm pregnant and cranky..but ya know what? Who fucking cares?! My territory. My life. My man. Back off.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
I am so tired of doing the math every day to remember how far along I am and how much further I have to do. I hereby do submit to the pregnancy ticker. They say I can put it on my desktop but I'm not sure how, so I'll just put it here.
I had my 30 week appointment the other day and just as I thought, I've gained another 5 pounds. I'm also measuring 2 weeks ahead instead of only 1 now. So, we get another ultrasound! Which of course is making everyone else happy, and secretly me because I'm scared they didn't get the sex correct. One more crotch shot could only reassure me at this point! They are concerned because the baby seems to be very big at this point, with still another 2 months to go. They want to check the bloodflow to the placenta and see the babys position. I think she is still transverse, and occasionally breech. I'd be surprised to hear head down at this point because the kicks are still very low. I think I get elbowed in the belly button more than kicked there.
My grand total weight gain so far has been about 35 pounds. And yes, with 2 months to go I'm sure I will gain a lot more. Not much I can do about it though. I'm excerisizing and eating normally. They have me on thyroid medication, iron supplements, and Priolosec for acid reflux. They redid my bloodwork the other day but I haven't heard back yet.
The good news is that there are only 2 OB's at the practice now. The one I saw for the most appointments, whom I keep waiting to see again... has left! I guess I can stop waiting huh? There only remains the woman who made me feel like shit because I gained 10 pounds, and another woman who I like a lot! (why is it always that way?) She's the one who suggested an ultrasound and stressed to me that they are concerned about my weight because of the baby and not because of me. They are wondering how big this baby is, or how much fluid I have, etc.. not that I'm just a huge fat whale. Thats a relief! So, we go for another ultrasound next week and hopefully all is well.
Things here at home have been.. rough. Much much better now, but for the past two weeks dh and I have been fighting horribly. Not physical throw-you-down-on-the-floor fighting, but the angry hateful kind. He's been ignoring me, and talking online to other girls.. and I'm pregnant, hormonal and insecure. Not a good combination! It was a difficult two weeks and I honestly wasn't sure we'd make it through, but we did.
Well, I'm off to see if Everquest 2's new patch made things better or worse. More later!
Monday, October 31, 2005
Here is a rundown of the facts:
1. I had a best friend and we talked every day.
2. She started to not talk to me as much and I missed her. I wrote about it in my blog and she responded, but nothing seemed to change.
3. I saw that she was spending a lot of time with another friend of hers and was feeling even more left out. I just missed her and wondered what had happened to our close friendship.
4. I didn't think that she wanted to remain friends with me anymore and I was confused as to what I had done to make her dislike me.
5. My friend J. started talking to me 4 days ago asking about what was up between my friend and I and why we were not as close. I cried to her saying I didn't know.
6. J. went to my friend and told her that I hated her and that I was jealous of her other friend. She said a lot of other mean things that I *never* once even thought. She consoled me when I cried telling me I didn't need my friend. She consoled my friend telling her she didn't need me.
7. My friend thought that I hated her, so she posted a huge "Dear John" letter on her live journal that all our friends could see. It didn't say many good things about me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and sent her an IM message saying that there were other ways she could have talked to me about this.
After many weeks of near silence, my friend and I talked. We talked on the phone until 5am. I lost a full nights sleep (as did my daughter who decided to wake up halfway through my phone call and pretend it was time for morning). Within the first few minutes of talking we had realized what happened. We had a mutual friend named J. that had been running between the both of us telling us things about the other one. J. really played my friend badly. I wasn't as hurt in the whole thing because I was already convinced my friend didn't want to be friends anymore. I was simply trying to understand and move on.
Now J. is pissed. She's been IMing and calling me all day leaving messages. Eventually they will start to get more and more cruel. Did I call this person a friend before? I didn't mean that. She is more like someone that I tried to be friends with, but found out I just couldn't deal with how she was...so we're, sorta friends. But I will never trust her again, so technically.. not really friends. (confused?)
My friend and I are completely fine now. There was never any jealousy. Never any hatred. Only confusion and sadness at a friendship we both thought was over because we both thought that the other hated us.
Its been a long day, but I'm glad that this friendship isn't over. Its been an even harder few months with this looming on the horizon. I feel bad that J. has to cause drama like this, and even more puzzling is why? Some have called her a psychic vamp. Feeding off the misfortune and negative emotions of others in the chaos she causes. I don't want to believe that.. but I'm left with no choice anymore. She has done this to too many different people, and too many times.
I wish everyone a very Blessed Samhain and hope that no matter what skeletons you have in your closet, or what demons you're facing.. that you'll be able to greet the light in the morning with a renewed spirit. Light a candle and think about those who have passed before you and those aspects of yourself that you wish to cast away. The nights are getting darker and colder as the winter season closes in. Embrace that darkness. And give your closest friends a call, or a hug and let them know you care.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
You fit in with:
Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
Monday, October 24, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
My chiropractor finally got me a support belt today. I can't say its helping, but I'm trying to give it a few days before the wrath of my judgement sets in. So far its uncomfortable as all hell, and really isn't helping with my pain.
My OB cancelled my last appointment which was supposed to be my glucose check. Its been rescheduled for next week so I can hopefully get that one out of the way. Then its back to the doctor every 2 weeks! I can't believe that there is only 10 more weeks or so until this baby is born. It seems like just a few days ago that I was dancing around the Maypole with the suspicion that I might be pregnant.
A few unexpected bills made this month really tight, so I don't foresee us going anywhere until November. We'll be going trick or treating with the girls (or maybe just one of them depending on scheduling) but I think thats it. I haven't heard if the Haunted House that is usually in town will be here or not, so that might not happen. There is a pumpkin festival in town that we might head to because its free and close by. Hopefully that will be enough to get everyone their Samhain fix for the year. Sierra is planning on dressing up as a witch again (with her new cloak maybe!) and Ivy will be Tigger. I had bought her a witch costume too, but with the chilly weather decided to return it and just use the Tigger costume from when Sierra was little. It fits her well and looks really cute.
I think we've just about gotten everything we need for Piper now. A few people came through with lots of 0-3 month size clothes, and I even got a cute little pair of Robeez for her. Initially I really wanted to cloth diaper this time around, and I do still plan on trying it... but I'm not sure with everything else I do around here by myself, if it is really reasonable to think I can handle doing that too. I mean, if I got housework help.. sure. But I'll be tandem nursing two children, handling all the housework, cooking, etc... I'm not sure if I'll have it in me to CD at the same time. Either way, I have some prefolds to try with.. and I'll have 'sposies that I can use as well. Ya gotta start somewhere right? The only thing I need to get now is a new carseat with a 5 point restraint, and a double stroller. I'd love to get a girly style this time instead of the typical navy blue I got with the girls. (don't ask me why we got navy blue) Britax makes a really awesome one that is yellow with pink flowers that I want to get her too. We'll have to wait until we get some more money saved up though as they're pretty expensive. For now I'll have to settle for a typical baby bucket carseat. I'll need a bunting of some sort as well, and they have one at Walmart that I'll probably pick up. A cute pink fleece Pooh one that just has the hole for the carseat strap there and no legs. Meant for an infant.
I guess thats about it. As you can see, not too much to update about. I've been feeling pretty secluded and friendless lately. Shannon has come over a few times to cheer me up as it seems she's feeling the same way. So much going on for her and yet none of her friends call her either. I guess its impossible to have friends if you A. dont have a car or B. don't have enough gas money to travel all the time. Seems to be why I lose mine so much! Oh well. Distance shouldn't matter with real friends anyway the way I see it.
Yup, this quiz pretty much fits I think.
You were betrayed. You were betrayed by someone
very close to you in a past life and you have
still never forgotten it. Either you were
killed by a best friend or ratted out by one,
but it still hurt you very deeply and you don't
trust hardly anyone anymore.
How did you die in your past life? (for everyone)
brought to you by Quizilla
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
I'm not really sure what to think anymore. Yes, I know its possible I'm just hormonal and sensitive, but.. I've been left out of the loop again. Email lists talk about things and I have no idea what they're referencing, almost feeling like the unpopular girl left out in high school again. Dinner parties and get togethers get talked about among everyone, yet I wasn't invited again. And really, its not that I haven't had an invitation to visit anyone in awhile...but more that no one is talking to me. No phone calls or IM's for quite awhile. And all this, just when I thought I had finally found a few solid friends. Its been weeks since anyone has really contacted me. I try, but it seems they are either always busy.. or just don't have time for me. Either way, it hurts and I've been increasingly getting more depressed about it as time goes on. I shouldn't let it bother me I guess. Its happened before. Friends come and go, and sooner or later I always end up feeling replaced by someone else. I just wish I knew why.
Instinct tells me that its something I'm doing wrong, yet I can't seem to think of anything. I try to be there as a friend. I try my hardest to be available and be kind. I guess I've just never had much luck being friends with other women, because no matter how promising friendships seem... they always peter out and I'm left with nothing again.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
This years Pagan Pride Day went much better than last years, but hopefully I'd like to see them use more outdoor space. See all that grass behind the girls? It could have been used for venders, or rituals, or anything! Yet it was mostly just used for people to sit their butts on. (not that I'm complaining, I love to sit on grass!) The venders and almost all of the people hosting events were inside the building and it was pretty cramped. I opted not to go to a few of them because I wouldn't have been able to fit the stroller in there!
All in all, we had a good time. Even if my hormonal pregnant self had a few minor breakdowns during the day. The girls obviously had a great time once the drumming started up! We were all pretty tired, so we decided to leave a bit early. We missed the final ritual, but I heard it went off well.
Monday, October 03, 2005
"I know you're not Sierra's mother but.."
I raised my eyebrow at her and said, "Excuse me? I most certainly am her mother. The other woman you see is her step-mother. I am her mother." It was obvious she was confused. She blinked several times with her mouth open and mumbled, "but.." Then the backpaddling began.
"Of course you are! I mean, just look at you! You both look so much alike! I can't believe I made such a faux pas! Oh, um... I don't believe we've met. I'm ___" I shook her hand. "And I'm Sierra's mother."
"Well Sierra, why don't you show your mother where your papers are, and.."
"She already knows where they are! She's been here before." Sierra says.
"Oh, well.. do you get to see Sierra much? Because she's so great at gymnastics. She's kind to the other girls and cheers them on without anyone telling her to. I think thats just great! Do you get to see her do her routines often?"
Sierra rolled her eyes and said, "I do them all the time at my mothers house in the living room. Of course I see my mother."
Finally the woman walked away. Never have I been so uncomfortable in my life. No, I take that back. I'm always uncomfortable there. I'm surrounded by PTA going, soccer moms and I just don't fit in with that. Its not me. Whenever I pick her up at school the same type of women are there. The competing type. <shudder> I can think of nothing I hate more than being around those types of people.
Okay, only one thing is worse... being around those types of people, feeling out of place, and then being told I'm not my daughters mother.
Later I was angry about it. I decided that my ex husband must have written his wifes name down in the "mother" line when they signed her up for gymnastics. He did that with the school before. Completly left me off the paperwork whatsoever and put his new wifes name as her mother. Not cool. I talked to him about it then, and fixed the paperwork myself.
This time, since it was happening again.. I was not going to be happy. Instead he told me that the paperwork was filled out correctly this time and that he thought I was right. It was disrespectful to not put my name, or at least put her name on the wrong line. At least acknowledge I'm her mother ya know? I explained what happened at gymnastics and I guess the woman that was rude is usually a bit "off" to everyone. He apologised and assured me that everyone else there is fully aware that I'm her mother. The conversation went a lot better than I expected it would. Of course, being the pessemistic woman that I am, I'm already waiting for the other shoe to drop now.
I also did find out that I didn't get an invitation to Sierra's open house at school. Then I remember, I'm not her mother.. so why should I be invited? <grrr...grumble...>
Divorce makes such a mess out of things sometimes.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
There are a few down points. We will have to pay for our own heating, which is monitor heat. And they don't allow dryers, so we'll have to bring our clothes to the washing room and pay to dry them, or hang up a clothesline. I'll definatly be doing that in the warm months! Hell I'd do it now if there was a place to PUT a clothesline here.
So, I'm thinking it may not actually happen until after January because the woman said we'd qualify for a 4 bedroom. I'm assuming because we wouldn't move in until after this baby is born. Still, considering we were thinking about giving up on the place just a week ago... this is awesome! How have we moved from number 13 in line for the past 3 years... to close to the top?? My guess is that they are giving people only a week (like my letter said) to call them back or they take them off the list. Miss your letter? Forget to call? My gain!!
I'd be lying if I said my heart doesn't start to flutter just a bit when I think of moving. We've been here for 3 years. 3 LONG years with no yard at all. No place for the kids to go outside. How I long to be able to say, "Go outside and play!" to the oldest. And how much she wishes she could! And to be able to just let them go into the fenced in backyard and play... ahhhh happiness! I seriously think we'll all be so much happier with a bit more outside space to roam in.
So, please keep us in your thoughts. We have to pass a very strict application process that has me a bit nervous. They want our last 10 years of residence/history. Thats pretty impossible because we lived with family most of it. So the woman told me to have plenty of solid and positive family references. Umm... =( I don't speak to my family for a reason. Those who I do talk to, are ones I didn't live with! Sometimes having a small family really does stink. Who am I supposed to use as a positive reference for us? I don't want to lose out on this oppurtunity, but its almost like being honest won't work. How can I get into this place if I don't have family who is willing to help me?
Friday, September 16, 2005
I couldn't resist the temptation to take a picture of it. Since I couldn't get Bloggers upload picture to work for me, I decided to put it up here the old fashioned way. I hope you enjoy it. =)
Now that fall is almost here in full swing, I'll miss the beach walks and the sand. We'll probably still go a few times as its quite warm, but it offically won't be summer anymore. Oh! I thought I should mention that Chris and I are 99% sure that this baby girls name will be Piper Anastasia. I hesitated at first, but the more I hear it.. I absolutly love it. ;-) I'll post a belly shot as soon as I can crop my head out. Haha! =)
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
The past week I've also been hormonal as all hell. I've been teary and emotional, and half the time not even making rational sense about what I'm upset at. I've been trying to blame it on my new medication. Levothyroxine has to have some side effects like that right? lol
Today is the big day that Chris promised he'd change the girls bedroom around. Giving them the bigger room, and me the smaller one. I'm excited because it will give me more space to put their clothes and whatnot. Small things excite me, what can I say?
PS. I've been trying to add all sorts of wonderful picture to my past few entries but for some reason it won't upload them. Oh it SAYS it uploaded it fine, but no picture shows up.
Are there any symbols or symbology that are significant or special to you? (runes, shapes, symbols created by you) Why is it special to you?
I am really brought closer to the Goddess by moon shapes, circles, and crescents. The pentacle, and the numbers 3 and 7. Anything arranged in groups of 3 and 7 are wonderful!
What does your special place of worship look like? (altars, sacred space inside or outside) Can you provide a picture?
My altar is my home. =) Some things are around my desk and computer, and others are on shelves and the tops of dressers. Nearly every room has some sacred place set aside. There is a picture of one of my altars on the side of my blog. ;-)
How have these symbols and sacred spaces transitioned over time?
They are always changing! One of the biggest changes however is that my children now like to contribute to my altar. So much in fact, that they have their own special places and we've also made a family altar so all the members of the family can add things and not clutter up my own personal space. After hearing, "Just one more rock Mama! This one is VERY special!" I decided that we needed more creative space for all of us.
Years ago I wasn't comfortable with the pentacle. It almost brought about a sense of shame, because so many people around me looked down on those who wore them openly. I would often hide mine. Some years later after I effectivly "came out of the broom closet" I now wear mine with pride and joy. Its a very special and significant piece of jewelry I wear, and the many pentacles that are around my house remind me of my closeness with nature every day. One of the first words my youngest daughter said was, "star." =)
As I grow and change, so do my altars.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
I finally scored some awesome clothes for the new baby at Goodwill. I love to wait until they have their 99 cent sale. Sierra of course went straight to the shoe section where she picked out, yet another pair of high heeled shoes. We walked to the playground, only to find that they now lock it up when school is not in session. Really nice huh? Because I promised Ivy that we'd go to the playground, I had to walk across town to go to the other one. Boy is my poor back killing me!
We went to the beach the other day, one of our last beach trips of the summer. The girls looked for beach glass and pretty rocks, and surprisingly the water wasn't that cold. No one went swimming, but we all dunked our toes in. I took a great picture of a beach rose before we left.
Oh! My husband has been a week and 1/2 now without smoking! He's chewing niccorette gum (or generic alternative paid for by insurance) and he's doing awesome! I'm so proud of him.
Friday, September 02, 2005
I went to my OB appointment yesterday and everything looks good. I've gained 10 pounds since my last visit though. She said the 5th month is when all the gaining happens anyway, so its alright. My non maternity shorts have been put away however, because they are just too hard to get on and off. The time of the big belly is here! The babys heartbeat was between 140-150 and she let Sierra hold the doppler and try to help. She measured my belly and said it was at about 21 weeks which is right on track. Reviewed the ultrasound findings, which showed a perfectly normal baby girl. =)
Choosing a middle name this time around is hard! We still haven't settled on one. We definatly know she will be named Piper, but have been keeping it a secret from most people because we've already heard quite a few negative comments about it. Thats always a bummer, telling people your babys name and hearing, "Oh, well thats interesting I guess." and "Wow. You don't hear that often."
My nights have been nightmare filled the past few nights. I feel rested, which is strange.. but the dreams don't sit well. Its funny how something that plays in your head while you sleep can have such an impact on the rest of your day.
Sierra starts school on the 6th. Only a few more days of vacation left for her. She's already not looking forward to school. I hear constantly, "Why can't you homeschool me like you're going to homeschool Ivy?" When she found out that the complusory age of attendence here wasn't until 7, she flipped out. "WHAT?? You mean I could have stayed home all these years?!"
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Oh! Did I mention that we had the ultrasound last week? Its a Girl! I'm really happy about it. Surprised, as I was thinking it was a boy.. but very very happy. Three girls! Yikes! Sierra was thrilled about watching the ultrasound, and even announced "Daddy! Its a girl!" We got a few pictures, and a video to take home.
I'm outta here.. sleep calls me. =)
Monday, August 15, 2005
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
At the mall she decides she doesn't want to stay in the stroller. She screams. She kicks. I'm trying to look at a rack of clothes (for HER.. babies! So ungrateful sometimes.) Wonderful loving hubby says, "I'm going to the store across the way." and he pushes the stroller away from him towards where I'm standing. Just how am I supposed to pay for anything when him and his debit card are not there? And for that matter, how am I supposed to even think at all with her screaming at the top of her lungs? I left the store.
Fast forwards to about 20 other stores where the same thing happens. I try many times to just get away from dh and my cousin, but he follows me. Grrrr! I didn't want him behind me. I didn't want him saying, "Are you done yet?" I just wanted to be left alone! If I can't buy anything because I can't concentrate to look at things, the least he can do is let me putter around aimlessly while he focuses his hurried self somewhere else at things that interest HIM! (because obviously the things I'm looking at bore him to tears. If it doesn't go into an Xbox or a cd drive than he doesn't want it.)
My stomach was hungry. I thought maybe some pizza would make us feel better. We walk to the pizza place in the mall and I see the prices. I know I've been eating like a horse lately, so I suggest maybe Pizza Hut instead. I mean, for the price of 4 slices of pizza here.. we could get a whole pizza and a meal there. Ya know?
Well he didn't like that idea. He got grumpy at me. I walked out to sit in front of the store to calm down. Course dd is screaming, "Pizza!" and crying now. What does he do? He follows me out again! He makes a sarcastic comment about how "Mama said you can't have pizza baby cause its too expensive." Grrrrr... I go back in, buy one slice for her and sit down. She screams anyway because what she really wants is to go to sleep. (I already tried the carrier and nummies, but she just wanted to bite them instead.)
We try to salvage what is left of the afternoon. He ends up buying a game, and no matter what I go to buy... no one has it. Doesn't matter what it is! Simply can't find it, or the store doesn't have it. What luck I had today! Went to look for new sandles, and dh runs the stroller into the back of my heel my accident. I broke down into tears in the middle of Payless. I stood there for 5 minutes while people walked around me, just crying.
We finally left. The ride home was better, we were talking and laughing. Traffic was a bit heavy and I was kinda jumpy at his braking. (he doesn't brake til he gets right up on a car) A car moved out of our lane and he sped up a bit, but there was a car stopped in front of the other that we didn't see. He put the breaks on, I screamed. Then I bawled my eyes out for 10 minutes.
I can't tell you how many times I thought in my head today, "I just want to go home.". I don't know whether he was being an asshole more than usual, or if I was being super hormonal. I'm willing to bet it was a bit of both..
Monday, August 08, 2005
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Yay! They did an ultrasound yesterday, but the parts were too small to see. She said if she had a gun to her head, she'd say it was a girl.. but that a scrotum could be tucked up in there somewhere. So we'll have to wait until my next one in 11 days. Hopefully they'll be able to tell the sex of my little sprout then! I think after all my worries about having a boy, I actually worked myself up to be excited about the prospect of having one. So much so that I might be a tiny tiny bit dissapointed if its not. I know I'll be wonderfully happy with another girl, but having time to adjust will be helpful. I honestly hadn't even entertained the thought of having another girl! I guess I should probably start huh?
My AFP profile came back, and it was negative. Course, the doctors office called and left me a message telling me to call them about my results, which freaked me out. Usually most offices don't call you if its good news because they have better things to do. They only call if its bad.. Luckily, this office is pretty cool! I am SO GLAD that I changed OB's this time around. Do you realize I haven't had one single internal exam, or even had my belly measured?? And I'll be 5 months along soon! Very very hands off OB here. I love it.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
2. What color pants are you wearing? I'm wearing jammies. When I do wear pants though, its almost always jeans.
3.What are you listening to right now? PBS on the television, and my daughter humming to herself.
4. What was the last thing you ate? Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and a cup of coffee
5. Do you wish on stars? Only shooting stars
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? The darkest green in the box
7.How is the weather right now? Beautiful in my house with the air conditioner! Outside? I have no idea.
8.Last person you spoke to on the phone? Tmobile Customer Service
9.Do you like the person who sent this to you? No one loved me enough to send it to me. I stole it off my friends blog. LOL
10. How old are you today? 26
11.Favorite drinks? Iced coffee, and sometimes Pepsi
12. Favorite sport? Horizontal Tango
13. Hair color? Was dirty blond. Not really sure what color it would be now.
14. Do you wear contacts? Nope
15.Siblings? Yup. A half sister I haven't seen since I was 9, and a half brother I have never met
16. Favorite month? October
17. Favorite food? Chicken noodle soup
18. What was the last movie you saw? The Wiggles.. (I'm going to kill you Heather!)
19. Favorite day of the year? Samhein
20. What do you do to vent anger? Grumble, cry, talk about it or write it down
21. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Carebear, "Funshine"
22. Hugs or kisses? Depends on if I really like you or not. If I like you, hugs. If I don't like you.. get the fuck away from me!
23. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? What friends? LOL
24. Who is most likely to respond? Bah, on a blog..
25. Who is least likely to respond? Yup, still on a blog..
26. When was the last time you cried? Wait, I have to think hard.. umm.... yesterday. Yup.
27. What is under your bed? Nothing! Its clean under there!
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Myself
29. What did you do last night? Played EQ2 for awhile and then went to bed early because I was exhausted!
30. What are you afraid of? Rejection and failure
31. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Covered in butter and salt!
32. Favorite car? Talon
33. Favorite flower? Violets, ivy, beach roses, and sunflowers
34. Number of keys on your key ring? I'm not sure. I haven't used it in a year or so. Probably only 3. Two for the house, and 1 for the car that I sold and forgot to return the key. LOL
35. How many years at your current job? SAHM, 7 years 1 month.
36. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
37. What did you do on your last birthday? Absolutly nothing, but went out to breakfast a few days later.
38. How many cities have you lived in? Grand total of 10 different towns
39. What popular expression best fits your personality? "Whatever"
Saturday, July 23, 2005
I decided to lower my standards. I checked Walmart. For one thing I was aggravated because they were "on sale" and yet still 13$ a piece. Yes, a piece. I couldn't even find one bathing suit that was selling both pieces together. I brought 6 into the fitting room. I stopped trying on when I got to number 3. My 7 year old is in there with me, attempting to stuff my breasts into the tops of these things mumbling under her breath, "Nope, I don't think these are going to fit you." I've never felt like my breasts were so huge until that moment. As we got back into the car, my husband said, "Did you find one?" and my daughter replied, "Nope! Mama's boobs are waaaaaaay too big for those bathing suits." sigh
As my final attempt, I went to Goodwill. They only had 3 bathing suits there. All size SMALL. I didn't even bother. I did glance at the price tag though. Close to 7$ for a used bathing suit that someone else's crotch has already been on. For only a few dollars more I could have gotten one at Walmart thats new! (though wouldn't cover my huge breasts I guess)
So where DO all the large breasted women go to buy bathing suits? Is there any hope whatsoever that I could find a bikini for these things? I'm not gigantic everywhere else. It seems that if I'm huge up top, then my arse must be just as huge.. and thats just not the case. I guess I am not proportioned well.
I'm SO ready for Fall now. Summer is overrated.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
The past week we've been pretty busy. Visiting, cook outs, swimming, and rearranging the livingroom around. I've also been on a cooking binge the past few weeks. I seem to only get this way when I'm pregnant too. (my poor husband)
I've been thinking a lot about my spirituality, and I really need to get back into doing my daily devotions. Even my alter has been neglected lately. Oddly enough, I made a new tarot bag just last week and when I went to read my cards they all told me, "Yo! Pay attention to your alter!" Ooops. I guess in the blur of life I've been forgetting to slow down and remember the simple things. In all honesty, I've been in so much pain that once I sit down ..I'm down for the day. So any relaxing I do isn't done til after I'm tired. Is it any wonder I've been neglecting my alter? I try to space out the chores, and give myself little breaks, but I find they make it harder to get things done. Just the act of sitting down and standing back up hurts my hips and back something fierce. The chiro is still working with me on it. I had to forgo paying my cell phone bill this month in order to get the fish oil capsules she wanted me too though. Someday insurance will pay for "supplements", but until then.. my pain relief comes out of the bill money. Not that I really care much. No one calls me on it anyway. And the phone is a piece of shit. Seriously. The phone is almost a 200 dollar phone and yet for some reason, I can hear people..but they can't hear me. Its ridiculous. I'm afraid to even try to call anyone because its stupid to stand there screaming, "hello!!!??" and they just hear dead air.
Enough bitching for now. Wow. This entry started off on a positive note, what the hell happened? LOL I'm tired, and my headache is coming back.. so I'm gonna scoot off to bed. Night night.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
An old woman crooning into the phone, singing "Happy Birthday". At first I thought, "must be a wrong number, thats kinda cute." Then she directly said happy birthday to ME. Using MY NAME. Okay, well... its nowhere near my birthday, but using my name is creeping me out. I don't have a real commonly used name. A wrong number I can understand, but a wrong number using my name?? I played it a few times, and it sounds like the beginning to a bad horror movie. I'm offically creeped out. The message said, "I was just thinking about you. I hope you have a happy birthday (my name) and many happy returns. Give me a call back."
I've run through the list of people I know, and I absolutly without a doubt do not know any old women. All my grandmothers have passed on, and I don't have any other relatives!
So, could you do me a favor? If it was you that called to wish me happy birthday albiet a tad bit too early, let me know! It would be better than this image of a grandmotherly type killer clown that comes out to eat me...
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
I want desperately to be happy, but I can feel the mood swings. I'm more sensitive and more angry than I usually am. I know, I know.. totally normal for pregnancy, but I hate it. I really do.
Tomorrow I have an OB appointment. Hopefully hear the heartbeat with the Doppler. I wonder if Booboo will behave and not scream the entire time we're in the office this time. That really does grate on my nerves. I ended up nursing her during my ultrasound. My OB said, "Well, I've never seen that done during this before!"
....Welcome to my life lady!
Witches Weekly for July 03
1. What do you think the role of pagan clergy is in our society/communities?
I've never really thought of this before, but I'd have to say that support, guidance, and of course participation in handfastings and other rituals. Since I do not view my religion as one that needs any "leadership" from the clergy, just being there as an elder to help guide and give advice would be what I'd like to see.
2. If there was a pagan temple in your community like the Temple of Sekhmet, would you use it for a place to hold handfasting, naming, and coming of age rituals?
3. Would you feel comfortable getting counseling from a member of the pagan community?
Yes! In fact, I have a good (Pagan) friend who is in college now to become a therapist and I would definitely see her in a professional capacity if she were not my friend. I'm not sure if counseling from a friend or acquaintance in the area I live in would be such a good idea though. Small town USA. I imagine people would have a hard time keeping such dirty laundry from being aired. But if it was someone I didn't know or associate with, who happened to be part of the Pagan community? Well, all the better! I once did have a therapist who was very unique. She studied feminism in college and was very up to date on Paganism as a whole, and was very understanding of my beliefs. She even incorporated rituals and the like into my sessions. Very cool!
Monday, July 04, 2005
I figured now that I cancelled my account I would immortalize my World of Warcraft character here. My Everquest account is now up and active and my characters are still there! sigh of relief Hubby and I have played for a few minutes here and there, but nothing serious. Our weekend was far too busy to be on the computer.
We went to a friends birthday BBQ party and had a great time. I seriously don't know how this woman can cook so much food and not go insane, but its good eating! I can't really say that anyone else showed up that I couldn't have done without. They tried to be sociable, but they ended up being as cliquey as they usually are, even sitting on opposite sides of the yard. I didn't really mingle with anyone. I just waited for my friend to finish cooking, and hid in the house with her sometimes.
The kids had a good time for most of the day, until another older girl starting harrassing both our kids. They all ended up fighting and crying. Course, put any kids together for the whole day and you'll end up with piles of mush instead of your children. They simply can't handle all that fun and stimulation from other people for too long.
Before we left for the night, we consecrated and blessed her new sacred space in her yard. Its a lovely circle, with a fire in the middle of it. Very much close to nature. Hubby said it was the best circle he's ever been in. I agree that there is some very good energy there.
My hips were really starting to bother me late that night, and I went inside to sit down on the comfy chair for a few minutes. Booboo was asleep on me in the carrier so I was just sitting there quietly. My friend actually came inside to sit down with me because she was concerned! I could have almost cried right then! Aside from my husband, I don't think anyone has ever been so concerned and loving to me in my life. It was a good feeling, but at the same time I'm worried that I might not be giving enough back. For that matter, what do I have to give her?? I don't feel like I have much that would be enough. That's always my problem in friendships. I feel so blessed to be loved and thought of, that suddenly I wonder if maybe I'm not fullfilling my job as a friend. I don't want to be a taker, but how can I be a giver if I have nothing tangible to give? My husband would say I'm thinking to deeply about this. I don't see any other way to think though.
Anyway, enough of my rambling before I make myself cry. Pregnancy hormones I tell you...
We went back to their house the next day for swimming, dinner, and fireworks. We had gone to see the fireworks here in town the week before, but these were 4th of July fireworks. Alright, I have to be totally honest here, I'm not a patriotic person by a long shot. I try not to bash, but I also do not proclaim my love for this country because I don't think this country is acting as it should anymore. There are many moments in every day where I wish I could move clear out of here, but I can't because of shared custody. So, we go to the fireworks just for the entertainment purposes... and nothing else. I support our troops, though I do not support the war. And I did not vote for this president. Politically I don't think this country has ever been in worse shape, and I simply gag at the thought of running around with flags on my shirt and saying "God bless America". Whew. I feel better with that off my chest... Anyway, the kids had a good time, the men got to have a burn pile and feel manly while they did it, (always a recipie for a good time) and us women got to be a bit more relaxed than we were the day before with all the other people there. Somewhere around midnight total and sheer exhaustion hit. I was afraid I'd fall asleep right in the chair, so we left to go home. I slept pretty well last night too.
We had a pretty packed weekened! More excitment than this boring family is used to thats for sure! I'm not sure if I want to move for the next few months now.. but hey, we had fun.
Oh, and did I mention the food? omg... YUM! This woman could have a career cooking and making peoples bellies happy.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
runs as tomatoes and other various rotten vegetables fly at her through the air..
Wait! No! Just hear me out for a second! As you've probably already guessed by the title, I'm returning to Everquest. I gave World of Warcraft a fair shot, and though I did enjoy the game, something is lacking. I wish I could say exactly what it is, but I'm not sure. I do know that I don't know anyone who passes by me on the server. No one really makes friends for the long term. They group just long enough to get a quest completed and then their gone. Never to be seen again.
The graphics in World of Warcraft are wonderful. Different than most MMORPG's out there, but very good. I loved the colors, and in comparison Everquest 2 looked extreemly washed out and boring. Add to the fact that the gameplay in Everquest 2 was terribly lacking and that pretty much sums up why I was only there for a few months. World of Warcraft I played for a good 5 months.
My reasons for leaving World of Warcraft? The dynamics of the game just don't feel right to me. Its easy to solo. Too easy. That same thrill of "am I going to live or die?" just wasn't there. Once I killed one type of mob, I knew that I could kill that same mob a zillion times over. Once a tactic was down, it never faltered much. In EQ that simply isn't the case. Several different factors can change in a second. Not all mobs are equal, regardless of con color. You just never know what you might get. Sure its annoying. Do we yell and scream and throw an occasional keyboard? Hell yes! But that's half the fun of playing any MMORPG. If it doesn't make you angry sometimes, then it doesn't truelly make you happy either. You have to have that anger to keep you going. That frusteration level. And if there is anything that SOE is good at, it's keeping its customers frusterated! See? Perfect match! The game dynamics just FIT. As much as people bitch and complain about Everquest, I really have not found a game that is better. Tactics are IMPORTANT in this game. You can't run around and solo every mob and call yourself uber just because. You have to work at it. Sure, there's the powerlevelers and the losers in every game. I guess I just prefer knowing who they are. Its like still having love for your old neighborhood even though its run down and desolate. Its still comfortable. You feel like you belong.
Lately I haven't logged in to World of Warcraft at all. In fact, when I went to cancel my account (Yes! I did it!) it said I hadn't logged in since June 11th. That's almost 3 weeks! If I haven't logged in since then, I probably won't again. Just in case, our characters are saved on the server. If we ever decide to try it again. For now though, I've loaded EQ back up on the computer. If my computer would stop spontanously rebooting then perhaps I'd get done with the patcher sometime today.
So, you can find me on the Bertoxx server. Kerriana the dr00d with no pants still. (hopefully! If they haven't deleated my characters.. ooh I'll be steamed if they did) Tonight my dh is looking at all the new graphics in the newbie zones. He made a one week trial account and he's running around with all the old model graphics on because that account has no expansions on it. Its amazing what used to be considered great in gaming only 6 years ago. Laughable really! We get a good chuckle looking at the wood elves that people used to go gaga over and think were sexy. LOL
Well, theres my confession for now. We are, yet again returning to Everquest. No other game feels quite like home.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
I'd NEVER been to this park before and I was pleasantly surprised! So much in fact that Chris and I are now considering moving there. If we could get an apartment that was close to this park then we'd be happy. There was so much grass and woods, and that water thing was too cool. Made me feel like a real inner city person. LOL Though it would be the biggest city I've ever lived in and thats a bit scary for me. Before I never ever ever EVER considered it. After today though, I saw how diverse people were there and for some reason that is very appealing.
Maybe it has something to do with how I've been feeling about the people in my life lately. Evaluating friendships and wondering whether they are worth keeping or not. So much of my life revolves around drama other people cause and I'm really worn out from it. I'd rather just cut myself away from that sort of thing, and yet I know I won't find many friends that don't have at least a little drama that surrounds them. It's human nature I suppose.
Seeing African Americans, Asians, and Caucasians all in one place is something that doesn't happen where I live, and yet in this place it does. I even saw six women that don't shave their legs and let it grow naturally while I was there. SIX! Around here I was the freak girl for not shaving. And I'm ashamed to admit that while it was just an experiment for me to see how long I could do it, I did cave in and shave about two weeks ago. A friend (one whom I'm wondering if I should remain friends with) made several comments about how my legs were hairrier than a mans, etc.. and for some reason it really bothered me. I expected more support and understanding from someone who was supposed to be a friend. I felt shamed, and consequently I shaved. I'm still shaving. I'm happy that my test of faith lasted as long as it did. Nearly three months! I'm proud of that. I just wish I didn't have a weak moment at the end.
So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the diversity..
Not only were there women with hairy legs, and different ethnic groups there, but several babies that were being cloth diapered!! I've NEVER seen anyone cloth diaper around here. Course I don't go around checking out whats in childrens pants to see, but no one ever talks about it either. And here were SEVERAL babies clearly wearing cloth. I was amazed! I even think I might have stared at bit.... in hindsight probably looked like I was judging them, but I wasn't! I was really happy to see it! (Mental note: watch how I look "happy" next time. I'd hate to come off as looking like all those other people who condemn diversity)
We played for quite awhile in our "ghetto" water hole, which was a concrete sorta wading pool filled with flowing water. It even had those little water fountains spurting out in places that the kids thought were so cool. The kids had a great time.
Afterwards we packed up, came home, and then all went swimming at the river. It was HOT out today! We had a good time though. It was a good day. Sometimes I think we don't have enough "good days" that we remember. I want to remember this one. =)
I'll try to add my post from today, tomorrow.
*Edit* So guess what? It was all Bloggers fault! Yup, no surprise there really. What irratates me is that they couldn't even put up something on the page about there being an issue. I finally found out by searching for the problem I was having and was able to put in a bit of extra code to work around the Blogger issue. They said it would be fixed "soon." So hopefully these posts are coming through now instead of coming in waaaaay down....
.... there. --------> where they DON'T belong.
Gah! Hours wasted fixing something that wasn't my fault to begin with.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
I'm on a few email lists for witches in the area, been on them for years. They've evolved and merged and seperated. All the normal things that complicated email lists do. I've made a few good friendships from them. The kind where I can call them up at 10pm and just shoot the shit. I'm very glad for those. Then there are the ones were I try really hard to be friends but for some reason we just clash, or they are simply oblivous to the fact that friendship takes work.
I'm tired of the childish cliques (is that really a word?) It seems this one person is always trying to be with the "In" crowd, and there is no in crowd here. We're all adults just trying to make new friends and have others to get together for rituals with, and grow with. She jumps from one person to another and says she loves unconditionally, but yet she never really gives her all. You can literally see through her and know that she's fake. Its a sinking feeling really. We've all tried talking to her but its useless. She really cannot see how she is to others. She makes plans with one of us, but if something better comes along she drops us cold and makes up some excuse. She starts wars between people on the list, and gossips far more than even I ever did in high school.
It is mentally exhausting and tiring. I wonder sometimes why I even try to get involved in the Pagan community. Then I remember the friends that I did make. They are true friends. Grown up's even! (insert eye roll here)
I figure if something doesn't change soon I'm just going to go back to being a hermit. High school was a bad enough experience for me. I thought I graduated already...
Monday, June 20, 2005
So I've been doing a lot lately. My daughter turned 7 years old last week. Its hard for me to even think about how long its been since she came home from the hospital wearing those itty bitty diapers. She's definatly growing up so fast. We had a nice party for her with a bunch of friends at the local swimming place on the river. Swimming has got to be her favorite thing to do. That and gymnastics. A good friend of mine made her two gorgeous cakes topped with animals everywhere. They were so yummy!
In just a few more weeks my youngest will be turning 2, and we'll have to do the whole cake/party all over again! Sometimes I wish their birthdays were closer so we could combine the two of them. A month and 1/2 is still too far apart to do it sensibly I guess..but oh how I wish! I just don't enjoy the party planning things. They seem to cause this mom a bit too much anxiety!
My first OB visit went wonderful, and I still have to scan the ultrasound pictures so I can put them up here. Right now they're tacked up on the fridge so I can look at them everyday. My little sprout in there just growing away. I felt so relieved to know that there was a heartbeat and all was well. Hopefully we can make it just a few more weeks til the second trimester and I will feel even more relieved. The morning sickness lasted for about 2 weeks and then has left me be. I do have to eat constantly though or else I get a bit queasy. I have a ton of food aversions that change daily. It makes it hard to grocery shop for more than just the moment! The OB told me I hadn't gained any weight yet at all. I'm 160 on the dot. Thats very odd for me, but hey! I'll take it! But things have been going so differently this time around that I made my husband seriously think about boys names, because I have a feeling this one is male.
I like Zachary now, but I don't think he likes it much. He aggreed, but is still not enthusiastic about it. Piper is still the girls name. Middles names we're suddenly iffy on. Its amazing how a little time can change your perspective about things! I thought we were set on names a year ago!
The only thing that is plauging me in this pregnancy so far, is my sciatic pain is back. And so early too! My lower back, and tail bone seems to literally be so loose that I already hobble when I walk. It hurts so much to sit and then stand up, and I've already almost fallen because of the pain in that area. I wasn't expecting it before the second trimester and I'm a bit frightened at how much worse it will get.
Well, the baby is annoyed that she's trying to nap in my arms while I'm making this horrible typing racket here, so I'll wrap it up for now.
Happy Midsummer everyone! I hope you have a blessed Litha. My family will be joining a few friends for a circle and BBQ (of course!) tomorrow night. I hope your family celebrates in some special way. )O(
Friday, June 03, 2005
I'd like it marked on your calendars that I was awake and showered before 9am, and also got the house cleaned!
I guess even if I can't go outside and enjoy the sun, I can open the windows wide and pretend right?
All is well on the pregnancy front. My first ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday and I'm pretty nervous. Hopefully we'll see a heartbeat this time. Cross your fingers for us!
Monday, May 16, 2005
First, I want to tell you about my news! On Beltane (May 1st) my dh and I recieved a wonderful gift!
Okay, on to the yucky news. Remember that job that I was hoping to get? The one that started out as volunteer work online helping pregnant women? I found out that for the past 6 months I've been taken for a ride. Yup. It was all fake. There were never any pregnant women that needed help or coaching. Never any midwife in AK. It was all just some sick person who was hoping for easy pictures of naked women. Someone who got off on "pregnant play."
I don't think I have to tell you how sick I was when I found out. I cried for days. Not only was it a humiliation, but it shattered a dream that I had for myself. I thought I was truelly helping these women and it felt good to be a part of that. And to find out that it was all someones sick game? It hurt a lot. And I was ashamed to even write in my own blog because of it. I didn't want to admit to anyone that everything I had been trying to do for the past 6 months amounted to nothing more than a porn movie for some pervert. But I realized that in order to stay truthful to myself, I needed to admit the truth here too. In my effort to help others and the feeling of being needed, I became too niave and I let myself get taken advantage of.
I found out that I'm not alone in this either. I was able to locate another women who had been "helping" out this supposed midwife as well. We traded IM chat transcripts and they read exactly the same. We found more women that were "helping" after that... and I shudder to think of how many more there are out there.
My last coorespondance with this midwife who goes by the name "Linda Tanner" and her friend "Carol Huggins" was to demand that I get documentation of who she is, and her midwife identification license number for Prudhoe Bay, Alaska. I asked that it be sent express so that I would get it within the week. She said it was no problem, and I never heard from her again. That was over a month ago. I fully expect that she will no longer attempt to talk to me, because she knows I've found out too much.
In hindsight I should have gotten all that information before I ever helped her out. When stuck in what appeared to be an emergency situation, I felt compelled to help. That was my first mistake. Though I can't change what happened, in an odd way I still feel good about what I thought I was doing. My heart was in the right place, no matter what they tried to twist around. And I am very proud of all the effort I put into it.
My main goal now is to make sure that this doesn't happen to anyone else, which is why I posted names and alias's. Some Yahoo ID's she used were adbbirth, carolhuggins454, midwife1776, nadjadillion, headfirst222 and I'm sure many others. The way it works is one ID she will pretend to be a pregnant woman usually teens or early 20's who is either pregnant and wanting to talk, or in labor currently and looking for support because her midwife isn't there yet. Then "Linda" or "Carol" will come on and help the baby be born. Later on, they will use the womans ID as their own claiming that they are borrowing it. This pattern repeats until a new ID name crops up. Generally they will deleate the old ID's quickly.
I know that when I was first suspicious I googled the web looking for the names or ID's or even this sort of thing happening. I wasn't able to find anything about it. Its my hope that if anyone is approached to help online, they will google the name first and come up with this blog entry. I'd like to be able to keep others from being taken in by this person. They lie well, and prey on your want to help out other women. If you use Yahoo IM and you have an interest list, they target women who are into certain things. Pregnancy and family, breastfeeding, birthing.. etc.. Thats how they know you'll be a willing and knowledgable target. So if you can, take those interests off your list or at the very least, be aware that this type of fraud does exist. They might not have gotten any credit card information, or social security numbers, but they took a part of myself that they didn't have permission to take. I don't wish that on anyone else.
So, there is my cleansing admission. I hope that anyone reading this can look beyond the, "Wow, what an idiot" and see that I was blinded because I wanted to help so badly. I have definatly learned my lesson, and it was a hard one to learn...
Monday, April 04, 2005
This week has been very rainy and generally blaaahh here. I was so looking forward to the sun coming out, but it looks like it won't be for a few days at least. Poor Sierra! Coming from sunny Florida back to this! She said, "Can't we move to Florida mom? Its so nice there!" I promised her that spring was just around the corner. We've already changed the clocks. Too bad my body is NOT used to it yet! I thought I woke up at 9:30 today and was dissapointed to see that I didn't at all. I wasn't up early! I was up late! Bah!
Well, I should get going to clean up the house a bit. I'm sure dh will want to play WoW later and I like to have everything all picked up before I sit down again. =) Have a wonderful day everyone!
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
So I've rescheduled the baby's doctor appointment again, because we're all feeling crummy. She's the happiest one out of all of us! I just hope she can stay out of this round of sickies. My washing machine broke for good the other day, so cleaning up after her puke fests are going to be a lot harder. We should be able to rent a new one in a week or so. In the meantime, the clothes are going to pile up. Not to worry though, they are neatly tucked into a corner by the now- out of commission washer.
Been taking a little break from playing WoW lately. Catching up on life in general in other ways. *GASP* Life outside of an MMORPG??! Yes! It can be done! Even us hard core addicts do take a break from the screen sometimes. That said, I finally hit 31 the other day with my druid. I'm still enjoying the game, but as usual I've been waiting for Dh to catch up to me with yet another new toon he decided to roll as his main. All in all, the game still far surpasses EQ2 in my opinion.
So what did everyone do for Ostara? Sierra and I colored eggs together, and got a few ceramic bunnies to grace our altar. We talked about spring and fertility and all that good stuff. We don't do Easter here, but we do a Spring basket instead. Ours is delayed a bit because she's in Florida with her father at the moment. She gets to celebrate Ostara by a trip to Disney! Lucky duck! Last time I talked to her on the phone, she said it was very hot there and that she was having a lot of fun at MGM Studio's. I miss her a lot, but I have another whole 2 weeks before I'll see her again. Its the longest we've spent a part in her entire life....so, its tough.
Well, I'm going to go enjoy my cup of coffee before it gets cold!
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Fast forward to today. I'm a grown woman who shaves because society says I must. Because people look at women who are hairy in disgust and horror. I'm glad to say that I am married to a man who loves me even when I'm all covered in stubble. Being hairy hasn't ever bothered him. So why, I ask myself... do I still shave? Conditioning? Habit? There isn't any personal reason why. I mean, sure being smooth feels nice. But for me that feeling smooth thing doesn't last more than a few hours. My hair growth is fast! And time? Who has time to shave every single day?! I sure don't with two kids.
And then there's the message that I'm sending to my daughter. The big ole double standard message. Yes, hair is beautiful but only when its on your head. Yes, men don't shave but women should. Why don't I just force her to play with dolls, and never wear pants?! That's NOT the type of mother I am!
So the challenge that I've given myself, is to not shave. Not my legs or my underarms. Who knows how long I can do it, but I am giving myself permission to still trim the pubic area and trimming in general is okay. I will even still pluck the one single stray "wisdom" hair that grows on my chin. But taking time out of my busy day, just to remain hairless will not happen anymore. Spring is approaching. Its getting warmer out. Can I withstand peoples looks? Will anyone even care? Have I made more out of it than it really is? Perhaps no one even cares about leg hair anymore. Or maybe its the underarm hair that will get the most looks. Either way, I thought long and hard about who I am as a person and a mother... and I didn't like the answer I gave my daughter. The next time she looks at my hairy legs, I hope to be able to tell her how much nicer it is to NOT shave. I want to share stories with her about how women long ago didn't shave and it was considered beautiful and mature. I want to create a positive role model for her. Not one wrapped up in arbitrary rules that society has laid out for us.
I've always marched to the beat of a slightly different drummer, but I never realized just how crunchy I really am until now. And it feels good. :-) I've never found a message board online that really felt "like home" until the other day. This one is definitely it.
Monday, February 28, 2005
So thats my reason for not updating lately. Alright! Fine! Of course I haven't been sick the whole month, but I've been really busy.
First, the car needs to be registered and inspected at the end of this month. The muffler is busted and needs to be replaced. We find out the muffler is a special one for California Emissions testing and it will cost over 800 dollars to fix it. Oh bummer. Then we find out its covered by warrenty still. Yay! Then we have it looked at again and find out that that "particular piece" isn't covered at all. Oh bummer. It will cost over 400 to fix it. Bummer again. So instead of trying to find the money to fix it, that we don't have... we found someone who would take the car for a trade in. The day before we went to trade the car in, my neighbor who I do not get along with backs into my car! Bummer or Yay? Turns out its a Yay! We traded the car in for a much better one. Its a 97 Pontiac Grand Prix so its much bigger than the little one we had. Everyone is so comfy in it! And the insurance agency calls and tells me they send out a check for 300 for hitting my car! The one I already traded in!
Many candles lit later, it all has worked out. For weeks I was pretty worried honestly. I just can't be without a car. Granted I don't drive it much myself, but I have to pick up my daughter every week. I NEED it.
So now we have a car, and Sierra was here for the week. I thought we might get to do some fun things. Course money is tight because we just spent the rest we had for the month on the car! Turns out we didn't need it anyway because Sierra gets sick only a day after she gets here. She got the flu. I somehow managed to get through the week with two sick kids, while feeling like crap myself.
As far as the doula business... I think I've almost lost count. I'm pretty sure its 12 births so far. Though my brain is starting to get foggy and run them all together.
Well, I gotta get something to drink... hot chocolate..that sounds good. Buckling down for the storm we're getting again tonight!
Oooh! The mail came! Guess what I got? The check from the insurance! Yay!
Saturday, February 05, 2005
I just recently helped at birth number 8 through webcam. It just gets better and better every time. I'm now helping two different midwives, and who knows how many more in the future. My calander is certainly filling up with due dates. There are four just for this month alone!
Sierra started Spiral Scouts today, and she loved it! I knew that she would, but I'm always nervous around new people. We fit in great though. Even the baby met other babies to play with. We really all had a great time today. I'm looking forward to the next one. It will be her initiation day. Unfortunatly my exhole decided to schedule something with Sierra on my weekend..so Sierra will miss the next one. She won't go again until March.
He assumed I would be alright with taking my weekend time. Well duh! Of course I'm not. He just doesn't care half the time. I told him not to do it again. After all, I am paying for something this time. (like the excuse he gives me) I don't want her to miss out on this oppurtunity. No more than he wants her to miss out on gymnastics. What I really wish is that he would stop scheduling things on the weekends when I have her. Is that too much to ask??? Seriously. I don't schedule things with her during the week when he has her. I just find it incredibly rude. This is my time with my daughter. He gets his time. I could see if it was every once in awhile, or something really special.. but he does it all the time. And yet, I don't ever try to do that to him.
Ah well.. you can't change a dick no matter how hard you try I suppose.
Can you tell I still don't like him anymore than usual?
Perhaps if he hadn't grumped at me on the phone the other day, and schedule something during my day without even so much as fucking asking me.... *sigh*
Well, its getting late and Sierra wants a bedtime story. She's at that age now where she can read me her story instead of the other way around. It means she's growing up..
I'm going to make myself some steaming hot tea and relax for abit. Its been a pretty busy day for us.
Monday, January 24, 2005
What I got back was almost what I expected. They both said "No, you can't use webcam births." Alright, I can handle that. Everyone has rules they have to follow. I can respect that. Though my suggestion is that people ought to start including a clause about whether webcam is acceptable or not. This will not be the last time someone asks, trust me.
What I was most concerned about however, was that it wasn't simply a "no" email I got back. Here's the one I got back from DONA. (Doulas of North America)
"Although unique and helpful, your lack of physical presence will not allow us to count these births for certification. There has been no research that this type of support is beneficial and in fact, much research to support that the doulas physical presence is what makes the difference."
And the other from CAPPA. (Childbirth and Postpartum Professional Association)
"I'm sorry, but unless you are at a real live birth, these will not be able to count towards certification. Being there in person adds a whole dimension, hands on touching, physical presence, which is one of the three areas of being a Labor Doula. This is what all of the doula studies were based on, a large part of what we do, and part of what makes us an evidence-based program."
Okay. I have a big problem with this. Obviously the research is not correct. Sure, there are definite advantages to being there physically, but they cannot say that what I'm doing isn't beneficial. I have two midwives, six mothers, and six brand new babies that will attest to that. Some of those women had other support systems in place as well. In fact, the last one had a Labor Doula physically there with her. She had relatives there with her. She had the midwife there with her. And they still requested my help. To me, that says a lot. It tells me that while being there physically is an added benefit and of course should be strived for whenever possible, it isn't necessarily what makes a good doula. For me, its possible to be a good doula and not be there physically.
I did not plan to become an "internet Doula", its one of those things that just happened. A blessedly wonderful opportunity to help other women fell into my lap, and I'm damn well going to work with it as much as I possibly can. Certification means nothing to me. I was looking into it to see if I could better myself, but I see now that even the organizations don't really care about that. It was disappointing really.
I think perhaps I had judged them, albeit positively; but still judged. I lumped those agencies in a category of people that really cared about women. To me, midwives and doulas have always seemed to be a group of people who want to help other women. Down to earth people. And I guess, like all people... you can't really put them in a category fairly. They are still just people after all. And obviously, what's beneficial to laboring women isn't the first thing on their minds. At least not in the administration department...LOL
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Turns out that my exhole, that I so lovingly call him.. has been harassing my daughter. He's been talking about me in front of her. Insulting me. When she's tried sharing with him what we did over the weekend, any mention of anything remotely "Pagan" or "Wiccan" and he makes it known that he doesn't like it. He gestures behind her back, only she can see him. He makes comments to his wife about it, whispering loud enough for her to hear. All of these things are causing her to be very upset.
She said, "When he makes fun of you being Wiccan, he's not just making fun of you.. he's making fun of me too. And its not just making fun that hurts me, its that he's my father. Why is he being so mean?"
So she is finally seeing him for who he is after all. I hate to say it, but as much as I want to be happy that she sees him that way. Happy that she sees the truth! .... I'm not. I'm sad that she has to find out that her father, the one she holds so high, is really like that. I tried not too, but I ended up crying right along beside her.
She wants to live with me, and she doesn't want to live with him. She wants to spend more time with me. "Mama I love it when you spend time with me because you teach me things that I need to know. You help me learn." Now if that isn't proof that I'm doing my job...
apparently he has been living with his mother in law, in her house. This is different from how I thought it to be. He told the court and the guardian et litem two years ago, that they owned the house. The obviously made him out to be more financially stable than I am. Ah, but... it turns out that it was a lie. I asked him about it tonight on the phone, before he came to pick my daughter up. He admitted that he lied to everyone. "Why?! Why?!" I asked him. And he said he didn't know why. He of course tried to tell me that my state of mind wasn't the best back then. (As if he was doing everyone a favor by taking my daughter from me) I told him there was no reason to lie. No reason at all. He won the custody case based on a lie.
I told him that I could go back and let them know what he did. He started yelling at me, "What do you want? You want to go back to court?! You want her all the time?! You want me to have her on weekends instead?!" He just totally went off the deep end. I said that at the very least I deserved an apology. So he gave me one of those, "Well I'm soooorrrry." I'm sure that he's not in the least bit sorry, but that doesn't matter. What matters is, I've got him. And he knows it. I simply cannot believe that he lied to everyone. With something as important as our daughter. I played by the rules, and he cheated. It sounds like our marriage all over again. Every day is a healthy reminder of why I left him to begin with, I suppose!
During the conversation he tried to flip everything around on me. He started telling me that the one time I let my daughter walk down the road to the playground to check to see if there was any "clean" snow on the ground (hey, we live in the city..) that she could have been kidnapped or run over, or shot. *laugh* Sorry, but we don't live in a city that big.
1. The playground was 3 houses down from ours.
2. I stood on the porch the whole time
3. I can see the playground from the porch
4. She walked up and came right back
5. She was gone but still in my sight for all of 3 minutes
6. She's almost 7 years old.
I don't know about any of you parents out there... but my grandmother (who raised me) let me start to do things a little bit on my own. I was a very sheltered child, but she let me learn how to do things in baby steps. Its okay to watch over your child, its okay to be concerned.. but to hover over them and not let them learn and grow is wrong! She asked to walk down by herself. I said yes for a few reasons. I wanted to see if she could follow directions that were important. I wanted to see if she could do it and be trusted. I also wanted to instill some pride that she could do it by herself. I think that's important. And even though it was successful (she went right there and came right back, no problems) we haven't done it again since. Why? Because its baby steps. Little bit here, little bit there. That was over there months ago that this happened, and it will probably be another 6 months to a year before it happens again.
Anyway, it was a diversion tactic on his part to try and get me all riled up and on the defensive while I was talking to him. It didn't work. I know I'm a good mother. I know I care about my child and that I make the right decisions. I'm not always sure in the moment if the decisions are right or not... but they always have been. That's part of being a parent. Learning from your mistakes and moving on. Doing the best you can. And I know that I am.
I doubt he'd be able to spot a "bad mother" if one came along and smacked him in the face. Goddess knows I know of plenty.... perhaps I should introduce them to him.
He also told my daughter that I live on state aid, and said "Why are you hiding that from her?" Uh, okay. I'm on Social Security Disability. My daughter is 6 1/2 years old. Since when do I have to talk to her about our financial status?! In fact, shouldn't you not talk about that sort of thing around your children?! Isn't that putting adult problems in little kids heads?!
I told my daughter where my check comes from, and I even explained to her why. We talked about Agoraphobia and what it is and how it makes someone feel. I told her that I was telling her all of this because I thought she was old enough to understand better, and that I don't ever lie to her. (I guess he was on a "what your mother says is a lie" kick too) To emphasize the "no lying"..I told her exactly why I get a check. Though I still do not agree with my exhold who says, "I thought she ought to know how you really live your life." Uh, okay. Whatever.
I asked him, "Are you happy with your life? Are you really happy? Because usually people who talk about others and gossip and start trouble, do it because they are unhappy with something in their own life. Are you sure you're happy?"
He said he was very happy with his life, over there. Umm.. I wasn't aware that part of his life was over here, perhaps I ought to look into getting new locks put on the doors? I wasn't aware he was spending any time over here... I told him, "Super. Then live your life and be happy. Stay out of mine. How I live my life is none of your business. I don't talk about you, don't talk about me."
His final words were, "Fine. I'll stop bad mouthing you in front of her. I'm sooooorrrry."
Whatever man. Mark my words... you are digging your own hole. Your daughter is starting to realize that you are not the person that she thought. You are a mean, self righteous, prideful, ego maniac who derives joy from hurting other people. Get a life, and grow up please... before its too late. Your daughter is getting older and you are running out of time to change the path you're on.
Change. Before she grows to hate you.