Friday, November 19, 2004

It must be something about October...

As usual, my monthly "friend" didn't arrive on time. I decided to wait a while before testing, because it usually shows up about 30 seconds after I pee on the thing. I just love keeping the HPT companies in business with my monthly buying. Boy do they get expensive!

So I waited about 3 weeks this time. I bought a test tonight and took it, totally expecting another negative and thus the start of my period. Nope. This time two lines crossed in front of the window. I stared at it. Stared at it some more, this time with a smile on my face. I'm pregnant!

My next thoughts I'm not sure were happy or scared. A bit of both really. I mean, we wanted this. We weren't exactly preventing anything, but I never expected for it to happen this soon. This is the spacing that I've always wanted. My youngest will almost be 2 when the baby is born, and of course my oldest will be 7. But suddenly I found myself so very afraid! I've never had two children that small at the same time before! Guilt overwhelmed me and I cried for a good hour. Betrayal I think. I feel like I'm robbing my youngest of being the youngest. Of course I'm not. But wow, I didn't expect to feel any sadness at this! The past three times (I miscarried once) I was elated to be pregnant! And I'm happy this time, but it seems that its going to take a while to sink in. I feel a bit in shock. I'm not sure if shock is a bit light headed and spacey, and some shaking in the pit of your stomach that doesn't seem to go away when you eat something... but thats definatly how I'm feeling.

I can think about it without crying now, and have even been able to feel happy. Another child will be a blessing. It's what I've always wanted. A big family. I'll be a mother of 3 children!

We already have names picked out. Anita Rowan if its a girl (which it probably is, I'm putting money on it) and Jett Sebastian if its a boy. Anita is after my grandmother, and Jett is a jet black gem. Rowan is a tree that is sacred to witches, and Sebastian was the name of one of my favorite cartoon characters when I was little, from "Bell and Sebastian" :-) It also means "majestic." Anita means "gracious" and Rowan means "red haired" as well as a type of tree.

I've been trying to talk my husband into using his name for a middle name but so far he won't have any of it. Apparently he doesn't like being named after. I would never do a Jr. thing because I believe in individuality, but I wouldn't mind using his name for a middle name. It would make Jett be a JC which is cool.

We have other names we like. If I had as many kids as I have names for I'd have a country for myself. ;-)

So there must be something about those fall months because I've gotten pregnant in Oct and Nov all 3 times now. I told my husband I'm going to shut him off from sex from Sept until the first thaw if this keeps up. ;-)

I'm going to call it a night now. I just really wanted to write and share with you what happened today. I'm going to hold off telling Sierra for awhile. She told me the other day she didn't want anymore siblings. Oops! ;-)