Starting Over Again..

(This blog post was written in the middle of February, but I'm only now getting a chance to post it. Make sure you read the edit at the end! :)) 

It was bound to happen eventually. A square peg just doesn't fit into a round hole. I've been trying for the past 4 years to make it fit and it's been an uphill battle. Who is the peg? Myself, my husband, my daughters, my son.

A group shot facing the sun. The first real spring day

If you look back through the archives of this blog you'll see that back when Ivy was a baby my intention was 100% unschooling. I bought books. I researched. I planned (to not plan) and I had so many hopes and dreams as a family.

What happened to those? I've been lying to myself, holding onto hope that the peg will fit. I'm not sure why, but I do know that I was afraid to rock the boat too much.We're already Eclectic Pagans, I had natural childbirths, I co-slept, I practiced child led weaning and extended breast feeding. I wore my babies in a sling and held them until they were asleep. I didn't do formula or jarred baby food. I don't go to church. I didn't have an epidural.

What do we do? We sing. We do arts and crafts. We cook and garden. We read books and go to the library. We go swimming at the YMCA and go to Spiralscouts. We go on nature walks and explore. We write poetry and make up stories. We make clay and sculptures. We grow herbs and dry them. We watch the science channel and the discovery channel, and even the history channel. We watch Spongebob too. Lots of Spongebob lately. We play computer games and research on Google. We blog.

Except those things all went to the back burner when school started. Now we try to squeeze in activities but there isn't much time. And im always anxious about making sure they have clean clothes and perfect hair before they leave. When they come home they are a mess of emotions. They're tired and don't want to do anything with me. Vacations are the only times that i can see them learning at home and loving it. They relax enough and that desire and passion returns.

We went puddle jumping and jelly fishing ;)

The turning point for me, was finding out that the school has been forcing Ivy to wear a pressure vest against her will at school for the entire day. This has been going on for months and I had no idea. I was appalled and shocked. They took something that was a positive tool that she loved and even asked for, and they forced her to wear it. They took her power away and created a battleground instead. No wonder why she didn't want to wear the vest at home! No wonder she was always jumpy and agitated. The slightest mention that she was a bit energetic and she would get so angry and defensive. And now, I know why.

I'm heartbroken that the school allowed their teachers and aides to do that to a child. Appalled that even after I told them, you may NEVER force my child to wear it if she doesn't want to, they called her to the OT and they tried to coerce her to wear it and promise them she would. She was told, "you have the choice, but you HAVE to make the RIGHT choice to wear the vest. There is only ONE choice that is

right."

I made the decision to pull her out of school and we are now legally homeschoolers. Though whole life learner, delight driven learning or unschooling is where we fit into the best. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to write about our learning on this blog or a new one or even if we can separate it because it's just how we are. Learning happens all the time, it's almost impossible to make it fit into a neat box and call it learning time. What I suspect is, my life will be more full and happy as we have more time to spend with each other. I can't count the number of times I've said,"maybe this weekend we'll have time" and I hear all the kids start to cry. And personally there are so many bonus's I can't even list them all. I have autism. I don't fit in with other parents and I've felt guilty and sad because Piper expects me to do what the other moms do. I'm filled with so much shame because I haven't yet volunteered in her classroom. I'm stopped with fear when I think about doing it. So much sadness and shame, guilt and tears. I don't want to force myself to do what I've been doing. I'm burning out from the social connections I've been forced to keep. Less energy I've had for the kids, lost because of another IEP or another email from the teacher. The daily notebook filled with negativity.

Ivy is so much happier at home

I will probably always regret not following my passion and keeping my kids close to me. They grow up so fast, hold on. Love them, learn with them, explore with them, grow with them, and trust that they will learn what they want to learn when they need to learn it. Trust.. So much is about trust..

  
*Edit: Its now the middle of March 2012 (St. Patrick's Day to be exact) and things are going very well for us. Ivy's mood is so much happier and I'm more relaxed. We are officially homeschoolers, and I plan to keep the rest of our clan out of school as well. This, is truly a new beginning for us all. We are finally pursuing our real dream. Our original goals. Our life. Hopefully I'll still find time to blog about it because I really want to share this journey with everyone. I am still a disabled mom (though I hate the term) and I struggle with my autism and anxiety daily. Our children all have unique special needs, and my husband still has his own adhd and bipolar issues. We are a family that is robust, loud, and chaotic.. but we're finding a happier rhythm since we've taken back part of our lives that school took away. The calm is visible even to outsiders. This change has been so positive for us and I'm looking forward to blogging more about it!

What 5am looks like

This is 5am outside my back sliding glass door. Willow trees always look their prettiest when they aren't on your property, trust me. This thing sheds like a beast! No amount of rakes or brooms can keep our back yard clean and leaf free. But the birds, they love this tree. And I have to admit. It is pretty.

So we were supposed to be going to Beltane tomorrow to celebrate with our like minded Pagan friends. However I just don't think any of us feel up to the few hour drive to the beach. Then I'd have to chase the kids while we're there. Ugh. The way Ivy has been acting lately I don't think I want to chance it. I'm hoping a firm diagnosis can happen soon for her. We're really struggling at home with her behavior, and I know the school is too. Except for when her friend Z isn't there. Z has been out sick this past week, and lo and behold.. Ivy has had a solid 5 days of nearly 20 stars every day. Now I know I talked about this before, but I just can't get over what a drastic change that is.
So I asked her, "Ivy, when Z isn't at school who did you play with instead?" And then the most heartbreaking answer ever, "No one."
I stopped what I was doing and looked at her. "No one? What about recess? What did you do?"
"I played by myself." she answered.
"Every day? Why?"
"Without Z I don't know what to do, so I be by myself."

I'm really torn between being excited about her behavior at school, to being sad that the reason her behavior is so good is obviously because she's withdrawn and displaced feeling because Z isn't there. I remember that feeling...  it was the reason I never went without a boyfriend, EVER. One replaced another. No, I wasn't a whore. I simply couldn't function alone. I needed someone to help me put on a brave face and go out into the world to do what I had to do. At the time that was only math class, lunch and passing time.. but it was still nearly unbearable when I was alone. I remember what happened when my boyfriend graduated a year before I did. I had no friends. No direction. I couldn't even get to my classes because I didn't remember where they were. I had nothing to do but stare at the floor. I felt so out of place.

And here Chris and I were celebrating Ivy's accomplishment of nearly a week of awesome behavior. But does the end really justify the means? And her bus behavior I  might add, totally stinks. Kicked off the bus twice in one week doesn't seem that awesome.

Parenting a child with special needs isn't easy, especially when you have issues yourself! To any parent out there with any kind of disability at all, be it physical, or mental. Visible or hidden. You have my support. Its not an easy road.

Ivy got suspended from the bus. Again.

Yep. The bus company just called me. I guess this morning she got written up again. This time another girl told her to scratch this girl, so Ivy did. The girl was crying and had a red mark down her arm. The bus driver witnessed Ivy scratching her. So now she's suspended from the bus for the next two school days. :(

If this is any indication of how next year is going to go, I don't want any part of it! It makes me even more happy that they went ahead and kept her IEP in place.

The Issue with blogging

I've wanted to blog more than I have been. I know it probably looks like I'm a lazy camera phone blogger at this point, but in my defense.. I know the reason why I'm so quiet. Because I have to be quiet! Let me explain. My best writing is done at night after my little angels are tucked in for the night in their double beds with fluffy blankets. Only after my house is semi quiet can I really think about the things I like to blog about. You know, those deeper things beyond, "Where are Ivy's clean leggings?!" and "Do we have enough money to pay the phone bill this month?"  Now I know you're thinking, super! Then blog when the kids go to bed! But its not that simple.. you see the baby usually sleeps downstairs in the pack and play. And to make things worse, she's right next to my computer desk. Under normal circumstances this is the best location for her. Easily accessible so I can protect her from Odin should he try to throw a Duplo or a Matchbox car at her head. (he does have this urge frequently) Not so convenient when I want to type like a mad man with flames flying out of my fingertips. I wait for the right moment to blog when it won't wake her up, and I can still concentrate. Those moments are obviously few and far between.

So here I am! Its 7:56 AM and Sierra and Ivy are already at school. Their first day back from school vacation. The rest of us couldn't be more excited for them! Seriously. Vacations are the worst in my house. Ivy needs the structure of getting up, getting ready, going on the bus, going to her classes, coming home, having dance class and then going to bed. I need that routine too.

Update: Its now the next day. ya ya. I should have just ended and pushed Publish Post. Except I forgot! Gah! Anyway, Ivy had a great day at school. She got all 20 of her stars. Her goal is 16 stars in a day. Its part of her new behavioral plan. They've broken down her day into 20 chunks and they give her 1 star if she follows Kelso's Choices and another star if she is compliant. Yesterday was the first day she's ever gotten 20 stars! I was so happy! And then today, the bus company called me to inform me that they wrote her up yesterday afternoon for standing up on the bus. They tell me she always stands up while the bus is moving. I tell them, put her in a buckle seat please. They did last year and there were no issues. This year she's been written up twice and this time she's suspended from the bus for a day. 6 years old and suspended for hyperactivity she can't control. That really stinks. So I'm going to have to do something. I mean it can't continue this way. There are only 2 more chances and she's off for the whole year. It isn't a big deal as its almost May. But what about next year? This has to be addressable in her IEP or something. (which they DID keep btw. They even added on a behavioral plan and social stories, along with everything she currently had. Yay!!!)

Alright, posting this before life takes over again.