Starting Over Again..

(This blog post was written in the middle of February, but I'm only now getting a chance to post it. Make sure you read the edit at the end! :)) 

It was bound to happen eventually. A square peg just doesn't fit into a round hole. I've been trying for the past 4 years to make it fit and it's been an uphill battle. Who is the peg? Myself, my husband, my daughters, my son.

A group shot facing the sun. The first real spring day

If you look back through the archives of this blog you'll see that back when Ivy was a baby my intention was 100% unschooling. I bought books. I researched. I planned (to not plan) and I had so many hopes and dreams as a family.

What happened to those? I've been lying to myself, holding onto hope that the peg will fit. I'm not sure why, but I do know that I was afraid to rock the boat too much.We're already Eclectic Pagans, I had natural childbirths, I co-slept, I practiced child led weaning and extended breast feeding. I wore my babies in a sling and held them until they were asleep. I didn't do formula or jarred baby food. I don't go to church. I didn't have an epidural.

What do we do? We sing. We do arts and crafts. We cook and garden. We read books and go to the library. We go swimming at the YMCA and go to Spiralscouts. We go on nature walks and explore. We write poetry and make up stories. We make clay and sculptures. We grow herbs and dry them. We watch the science channel and the discovery channel, and even the history channel. We watch Spongebob too. Lots of Spongebob lately. We play computer games and research on Google. We blog.

Except those things all went to the back burner when school started. Now we try to squeeze in activities but there isn't much time. And im always anxious about making sure they have clean clothes and perfect hair before they leave. When they come home they are a mess of emotions. They're tired and don't want to do anything with me. Vacations are the only times that i can see them learning at home and loving it. They relax enough and that desire and passion returns.

We went puddle jumping and jelly fishing ;)

The turning point for me, was finding out that the school has been forcing Ivy to wear a pressure vest against her will at school for the entire day. This has been going on for months and I had no idea. I was appalled and shocked. They took something that was a positive tool that she loved and even asked for, and they forced her to wear it. They took her power away and created a battleground instead. No wonder why she didn't want to wear the vest at home! No wonder she was always jumpy and agitated. The slightest mention that she was a bit energetic and she would get so angry and defensive. And now, I know why.

I'm heartbroken that the school allowed their teachers and aides to do that to a child. Appalled that even after I told them, you may NEVER force my child to wear it if she doesn't want to, they called her to the OT and they tried to coerce her to wear it and promise them she would. She was told, "you have the choice, but you HAVE to make the RIGHT choice to wear the vest. There is only ONE choice that is

right."

I made the decision to pull her out of school and we are now legally homeschoolers. Though whole life learner, delight driven learning or unschooling is where we fit into the best. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to write about our learning on this blog or a new one or even if we can separate it because it's just how we are. Learning happens all the time, it's almost impossible to make it fit into a neat box and call it learning time. What I suspect is, my life will be more full and happy as we have more time to spend with each other. I can't count the number of times I've said,"maybe this weekend we'll have time" and I hear all the kids start to cry. And personally there are so many bonus's I can't even list them all. I have autism. I don't fit in with other parents and I've felt guilty and sad because Piper expects me to do what the other moms do. I'm filled with so much shame because I haven't yet volunteered in her classroom. I'm stopped with fear when I think about doing it. So much sadness and shame, guilt and tears. I don't want to force myself to do what I've been doing. I'm burning out from the social connections I've been forced to keep. Less energy I've had for the kids, lost because of another IEP or another email from the teacher. The daily notebook filled with negativity.

Ivy is so much happier at home

I will probably always regret not following my passion and keeping my kids close to me. They grow up so fast, hold on. Love them, learn with them, explore with them, grow with them, and trust that they will learn what they want to learn when they need to learn it. Trust.. So much is about trust..

  
*Edit: Its now the middle of March 2012 (St. Patrick's Day to be exact) and things are going very well for us. Ivy's mood is so much happier and I'm more relaxed. We are officially homeschoolers, and I plan to keep the rest of our clan out of school as well. This, is truly a new beginning for us all. We are finally pursuing our real dream. Our original goals. Our life. Hopefully I'll still find time to blog about it because I really want to share this journey with everyone. I am still a disabled mom (though I hate the term) and I struggle with my autism and anxiety daily. Our children all have unique special needs, and my husband still has his own adhd and bipolar issues. We are a family that is robust, loud, and chaotic.. but we're finding a happier rhythm since we've taken back part of our lives that school took away. The calm is visible even to outsiders. This change has been so positive for us and I'm looking forward to blogging more about it!

A House of Cards

I should have written a long time ago. Goddess knows I've had plenty to say. And anyone that knows me, or my house, knows that I have enough going on to talk about!

First things first. In the interest of disclosure, since so much was written about that time period.. my husbands oldest daughter has contacted him through Facebook. We knew it would happen when they aged out of the system. We didn't expect it to happen this soon. She is still only 17 and in state care. We also didn't except that we'd be able to so easily see his other two children connected to her Facebook page. Literally a click away. And not even a private page. There, on the other side of the most popular social networking site... were the three "missing" kids we've been searching for. We read, looked at pictures, put together pieces of the puzzle of what their lives have been like for the past decade..  I put my spying to good use and did a lot of digging. The oldest was the only one that didn't get adopted. And from what she writes on her wall, it was planned and somehow disrupted this past fall. I had a hard time wrapping my mind around why they would allow the kids to have completely public Facebook pages. I don't allow my own daughters to be that public!

So my husband and her exchanged cell numbers, because it was easier than writing inbox messages on Facebook. Of course we agreed not to say anything to the other kids that are younger, because she could lose contact with them and we don't want that to happen. They've all grown up so much. Barely recognizable from the pictures that I posted on here. And in all reality they don't us, and we don't know them. Not even his oldest.

We've also had to come to the conclusion that exchanging phone numbers might not have been the best course of action. I encouraged it, thinking they could easily write to each other here and there instead of trying to use my computer all the time. (the laptop cord fried, and Chris's computer is completely full of WoW. No really. So full that we can't play it on there because he's out of memory. Bah. New expansion just came out and we turned our accounts back on and everything. Figures.)

Where was I? Oh yes. Texting his daughter. It hasn't been easy. She texts him a lot. First thing in the morning, while we're all still sleeping.. the room lights up and I hear, "NEW MESSAGE!" from his phone on the nightstand. Oh.. its her good morning daddy message. Throughout the day there are more. Always filled with "I love you so much daddy. I miss you daddy"  Remind you of someone else you know in this family? Exactly. We have another father/daughter interpersonal issue. She hasn't changed or received the help she needed. It was that obvious. They really haven't had much of a relationship since she was 7 years old. She's 17 now. And just as dependent and immature. Whats to become of her in the next year when she ages out? The father instinct wants her to live with us. But intellectually we know that if she still has some severe issues, she can't live with us. We have 5 children and it isn't fair to them to put them in danger. Not even to reunite my husband with his child/ren.

Lest you think I'm the big green evil ogre that most step mothers seem to be. I'm not. I can just see a mental health issue when I see one. And this is a huge elephant in the room. I'm glad that Chris sees it though and for the most part we're on the same page. He's started pulling back a bit more each day. Letting more time pass before responding to her. Not getting dragged into her drama, "I made a bad choice daddy. Help me. What do I do?" type of issues that seem to be a daily occurrence with her.

I will be honest here. I can't say jealousy didn't enter my mind. And that's not right. She is his child. There shouldn't BE jealousy there. But somehow her timing, her dependency, her urgency, and her manipulation all make the situation pretty painful. For the past two weeks, she's said good morning to him first, shes' asked him about his day first, she's said goodnight first. And I'm pretty sure if you add it up, they've exchanged more "I love yous" then the two of us have. ... Its hollow. Its empty. Its a house of cards built on nothing but a fantasy of life before state custody. Nothing will ever come of it. Not even the parts that I'm alright with. Her being in our lives, and being a part of it..  I'm not sure she will be able to share her father in that way. She views her life as being her, her sister, her brother, and her father. No matter what. They stick together. But that manner of exclusion isn't going to work. It can't work like that and be healthy.

I'm waiting for the house of cards to fall down. I know it can't survive this way. He isn't able to keep up with her demands, and instead I end up texting her. She thinks she's talking to her father, and he doesn't have to try to navigate this uncertain ground. He doesn't want to mess it up, but he doesn't know how not to. Soon enough though the game will come to an end. Someone will notice she's talking to her biological family and it will be revoked. Who knows how far they'll go to stop those connections. At least if I shoulder most of the responsibility and emotional baggage, then when the cards come flying down..maybe it won't hurt him so much. Thats my hope anyway.

So as you can probably imagine, that's enough excitement to last for quite awhile. However, this is MY family! Which means there's a lot more!


Update about Ivy: Her IEP was yesterday at school. She's in second grade and this is the second IEP this year. We went to reclassify her. That meant another round of tests and observations and rating forms to fill out. In the end, it was a unanimous vote to change her primary disability status from a child with "Speech and Language Disability" to a child with "Autism."  And what that means is that she'll automatically get a lot more services. So we left the room with all her supports for the bus in place, She's on a different bus than all the other kids in the neighborhood, which is working great so far! It goes down our street anyway so it just loops around and picks her up. That way she isn't around any of the kids in this neighborhood. She plays a Leapster or watches a DVD player that the bus company bought for her. She sits in the front seat, with a seatbelt, and she also sits with a 5th grade girl and so far, no issues at all. She gets 60 minutes of a social skills group a week. Thats two separate groups. And she gets 60 minutes a week of OT. She also has accommodations in the classroom, a weighted vest, a wiggle seat, some chewy pen toppers as well. All in all it was a great IEP meeting. I think our case manager ruffled some feathers, but when doesn't she? LOL

Oh, in case I didn't blog about it before (I'm sure I did though) Ivy was officially diagnosed with ADHD combined type, Anxiety Disorder NOS, and Asperger's Disorder. She also has a mild cognitive disorder that affects her working memory.

Update on Odin:  Odin has been receiving OT and related services though Child Development Services (CDS)  since the beginning of the year. They've done nothing. To be honest it was a waste of time. However, they're going to order him a new trampoline with a bar and that will make things easier for me!

He recently had a speech and language test done, and also a Vineland. He qualifies for 3-5 services easily. His articulation alone qualified. Yep thats right, the opposite of what CDS told me. They said, and I quote "He just has too many words and he's having a hard time saying them. He'll catch up."  Well he hasn't. Its only gotten worse since he's older! So now that he's aging out of the 0-3 and headed to the 3-5 services, they are offering him a specialized preschool 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. They'll give him OT and speech right there with qualified people. Small class, no more than 6-8 kids at a time and they work on a lot of adaptive functioning, schedules, routine, etc. From what people have told me, its a great opportunity. I might take them up on that.

Theres a lot of detective work I need to do first. Putting a 3 year old into pre-school is something I haven't done since Sierra went to Headstart. But she was so much more advanced and by that time, used to separating from me because of the whole shared parenting thing. I don't know if I'm ready to let my baby boy go. It seems too early to me. Everyone talks about how important catching things early is, and how much his autism symptoms will improve.. but since I'm not in the "cure all the autism" camp I'm not really sure how I feel.


(note: This was a post that I had in my drafts and forgot to publish. Oops!)

What 5am looks like

This is 5am outside my back sliding glass door. Willow trees always look their prettiest when they aren't on your property, trust me. This thing sheds like a beast! No amount of rakes or brooms can keep our back yard clean and leaf free. But the birds, they love this tree. And I have to admit. It is pretty.

So we were supposed to be going to Beltane tomorrow to celebrate with our like minded Pagan friends. However I just don't think any of us feel up to the few hour drive to the beach. Then I'd have to chase the kids while we're there. Ugh. The way Ivy has been acting lately I don't think I want to chance it. I'm hoping a firm diagnosis can happen soon for her. We're really struggling at home with her behavior, and I know the school is too. Except for when her friend Z isn't there. Z has been out sick this past week, and lo and behold.. Ivy has had a solid 5 days of nearly 20 stars every day. Now I know I talked about this before, but I just can't get over what a drastic change that is.
So I asked her, "Ivy, when Z isn't at school who did you play with instead?" And then the most heartbreaking answer ever, "No one."
I stopped what I was doing and looked at her. "No one? What about recess? What did you do?"
"I played by myself." she answered.
"Every day? Why?"
"Without Z I don't know what to do, so I be by myself."

I'm really torn between being excited about her behavior at school, to being sad that the reason her behavior is so good is obviously because she's withdrawn and displaced feeling because Z isn't there. I remember that feeling...  it was the reason I never went without a boyfriend, EVER. One replaced another. No, I wasn't a whore. I simply couldn't function alone. I needed someone to help me put on a brave face and go out into the world to do what I had to do. At the time that was only math class, lunch and passing time.. but it was still nearly unbearable when I was alone. I remember what happened when my boyfriend graduated a year before I did. I had no friends. No direction. I couldn't even get to my classes because I didn't remember where they were. I had nothing to do but stare at the floor. I felt so out of place.

And here Chris and I were celebrating Ivy's accomplishment of nearly a week of awesome behavior. But does the end really justify the means? And her bus behavior I  might add, totally stinks. Kicked off the bus twice in one week doesn't seem that awesome.

Parenting a child with special needs isn't easy, especially when you have issues yourself! To any parent out there with any kind of disability at all, be it physical, or mental. Visible or hidden. You have my support. Its not an easy road.

Spring is almost here

We've set our clocks ahead now, and I've found that the kids adjust much easier in the springtime than they do when we roll the clocks back in the fall. They're still waking up at 6 AM but at least they're still falling asleep at 7 PM. We've been going outside the past few days. Temperature wise its been above average this year. It hit 69 the other day! In March! In Maine! I'm hoping that the rest of the season is the same.

Early Intervention was supposed to come to start the evaluation process with Odin the other day. His speech was the major concern, but even some days I'm not sure I'm concerned about it anymore. I go back and forth. I think that he's a bit behind but probably not enough to qualify for services.  The house is clean and we waited for the person to come. Chris was planning on taking the other kids out for awhile to make it easier, even though is leg hurts a lot these days. (and thats another blog post) The person from EI forgot about us, so we ended up doing it over the phone. I wish he would have given me that option to begin with!

So tonight I'm sitting here at 11:30 and dreading going upstairs. I'm tired, but I'm so anxious about tomorrow that I want to keep my mind off things. And by keeping my mind off things what I really mean is, google everything I possibly can about speech and language disorders, in particular Childhood Apraxia of Speech. I'm nervous that EI is going to be in my home. Not just one person, but a few different people. :( Ugh. Chris is going to take Piper and Persephone upstairs while they're here, and hopefully they'll be gone before Ivy is home from school.

If something is going on with Odins speech, I hope that EI really catches onto it and does something. After Ivy, I feel like they've failed us.

Almost the End of 2009

When you take a group photo of 4 kids six and under, its hard to get a good shot. Someone is either not looking, sticking their tongue out, wiggling too much, and completely out of the shot. This is the best one I got. I like it, even if Piper isn't looking. Again.

So Christmas is over. I know I haven't posted pictures of it. I will. But the tree is already down. I couldn't take it up anymore. Which makes me sad because I remember how much I loved the lights hanging up year round at the farm. I would stare at them and squint my eyes up, and wiggle my head back and forth. I'd watch how the lights would spin when you closed your eyes halfway. How they colors could all swirl into one. I'm not sure how no one knew I was autistic back then. Even to me looking back its pretty obvious. Oh what the power of the internet and google could have done 30 years ago! It would have made sense to my endless spinning. Even when I got older and played with my cousins, I'd manufacturer games that involved spinning. As I watch my daughter interact with kids, I cringe knowing thats how badly I interacted as well. I was bossy and demanding. I know why. I needed them to play the way I was playing because I already had it in my head. THIS was how the Barbies were going to play today. They had boyfriends and they were going to watch and movie. And pretend I said that I loved him. Pretend I was here. Pretend I was there. No! No! Not there! HERE! Uggghhhh over HERE! .... I didn't care what they wanted to do. I didn't like their ideas because I had already written how the playing was going to go. It was already in stone. You can't change that. ..... I watch my 3 year old struggle to play with Ivy because she wants to use her own ideas, and Ivy will have none of that. I've become a broken record; Let your sister play the way she wants to play Ivy. Let her use her own ideas please. Ivy stop telling her what to say. .. Eventually Piper gets tired of it and wanders off to watch tv, which of course leaves Ivy absolutely angry beyond belief because SHE WAS PLAYING!

I look at the picture above and I can see it. I love her to death, and the picture is adorable! However.. her arms are around both the baby and Odin, because then SHE is the one in control. I know her reasons. It helps to control the chaos in her head. It gives her consistency and helps her to know whats happening if she's the one calling the shots. But to others it appears controlling and bossy. And it often leaves Piper out..

One of my New Years Eve things this year... I can't think of the word I'm looking for. Promises... um...oh! Resolutions! One of my resolutions is going to be to make more time for Piper. To pay attention to her more when she talks and grabs my arm. She's the middle girl and she tends to get lost sometimes I think. I don't want that. I want her to know I love her and she's every bit as important as Ivy (chris and my first together and the one with special needs) and Odin (the only boy) and Persephone (the baby) and Sierra (the real oldest but different kid cause she has two homes) .... Piper just IS in all of this, and I want her to feel special too.

I'll post more later, PJ is fussing.