Starting Over Again..

(This blog post was written in the middle of February, but I'm only now getting a chance to post it. Make sure you read the edit at the end! :)) 

It was bound to happen eventually. A square peg just doesn't fit into a round hole. I've been trying for the past 4 years to make it fit and it's been an uphill battle. Who is the peg? Myself, my husband, my daughters, my son.

A group shot facing the sun. The first real spring day

If you look back through the archives of this blog you'll see that back when Ivy was a baby my intention was 100% unschooling. I bought books. I researched. I planned (to not plan) and I had so many hopes and dreams as a family.

What happened to those? I've been lying to myself, holding onto hope that the peg will fit. I'm not sure why, but I do know that I was afraid to rock the boat too much.We're already Eclectic Pagans, I had natural childbirths, I co-slept, I practiced child led weaning and extended breast feeding. I wore my babies in a sling and held them until they were asleep. I didn't do formula or jarred baby food. I don't go to church. I didn't have an epidural.

What do we do? We sing. We do arts and crafts. We cook and garden. We read books and go to the library. We go swimming at the YMCA and go to Spiralscouts. We go on nature walks and explore. We write poetry and make up stories. We make clay and sculptures. We grow herbs and dry them. We watch the science channel and the discovery channel, and even the history channel. We watch Spongebob too. Lots of Spongebob lately. We play computer games and research on Google. We blog.

Except those things all went to the back burner when school started. Now we try to squeeze in activities but there isn't much time. And im always anxious about making sure they have clean clothes and perfect hair before they leave. When they come home they are a mess of emotions. They're tired and don't want to do anything with me. Vacations are the only times that i can see them learning at home and loving it. They relax enough and that desire and passion returns.

We went puddle jumping and jelly fishing ;)

The turning point for me, was finding out that the school has been forcing Ivy to wear a pressure vest against her will at school for the entire day. This has been going on for months and I had no idea. I was appalled and shocked. They took something that was a positive tool that she loved and even asked for, and they forced her to wear it. They took her power away and created a battleground instead. No wonder why she didn't want to wear the vest at home! No wonder she was always jumpy and agitated. The slightest mention that she was a bit energetic and she would get so angry and defensive. And now, I know why.

I'm heartbroken that the school allowed their teachers and aides to do that to a child. Appalled that even after I told them, you may NEVER force my child to wear it if she doesn't want to, they called her to the OT and they tried to coerce her to wear it and promise them she would. She was told, "you have the choice, but you HAVE to make the RIGHT choice to wear the vest. There is only ONE choice that is

right."

I made the decision to pull her out of school and we are now legally homeschoolers. Though whole life learner, delight driven learning or unschooling is where we fit into the best. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to write about our learning on this blog or a new one or even if we can separate it because it's just how we are. Learning happens all the time, it's almost impossible to make it fit into a neat box and call it learning time. What I suspect is, my life will be more full and happy as we have more time to spend with each other. I can't count the number of times I've said,"maybe this weekend we'll have time" and I hear all the kids start to cry. And personally there are so many bonus's I can't even list them all. I have autism. I don't fit in with other parents and I've felt guilty and sad because Piper expects me to do what the other moms do. I'm filled with so much shame because I haven't yet volunteered in her classroom. I'm stopped with fear when I think about doing it. So much sadness and shame, guilt and tears. I don't want to force myself to do what I've been doing. I'm burning out from the social connections I've been forced to keep. Less energy I've had for the kids, lost because of another IEP or another email from the teacher. The daily notebook filled with negativity.

Ivy is so much happier at home

I will probably always regret not following my passion and keeping my kids close to me. They grow up so fast, hold on. Love them, learn with them, explore with them, grow with them, and trust that they will learn what they want to learn when they need to learn it. Trust.. So much is about trust..

  
*Edit: Its now the middle of March 2012 (St. Patrick's Day to be exact) and things are going very well for us. Ivy's mood is so much happier and I'm more relaxed. We are officially homeschoolers, and I plan to keep the rest of our clan out of school as well. This, is truly a new beginning for us all. We are finally pursuing our real dream. Our original goals. Our life. Hopefully I'll still find time to blog about it because I really want to share this journey with everyone. I am still a disabled mom (though I hate the term) and I struggle with my autism and anxiety daily. Our children all have unique special needs, and my husband still has his own adhd and bipolar issues. We are a family that is robust, loud, and chaotic.. but we're finding a happier rhythm since we've taken back part of our lives that school took away. The calm is visible even to outsiders. This change has been so positive for us and I'm looking forward to blogging more about it!

Goodbye 2011, Bring it on 2012!

I've written and re-written this post several times today and I finally have realized that celebrating the new year and reflecting on it is something that I don't do very well.

I want to show appreciation for the things we have, the things we have been able to do and all the ups and downs in life, but when I'm put on the spot I can't do it. Perhaps maybe it has something to do with my memory and my inability to recall things the way others do. So while you're reading my next tangent, keep in mind I suck at writing and reflecting.

I know that this year was better than the one before it, but not by much. It wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be, but nothing ever truly is. My expectations are always so high that even I fall short most of the time. But just like soft teeth, color blindness, hyper flexibility and autism, my high expectations are deeply rooted and not easily changed. Its who I am.

Autism itself has changed a lot of things in my family this past year. Some of them have been surprising changes. Like the communication between my oldest daughter and I. Knowing now that having Asperger's is the reason we're different than other people, and one of the biggest reasons we are so much alike has been a blessing to us. Instead of feeling alone, we both have taken to texting each other when we have a need to be understood. Sometimes our conversations are lighthearted and fun, and other times we end up discussing some really deep things. Some of my happiest moments as a mom have come from these conversations. When your child says something to you, and you can hear yourself in what they say.. (and its something good..) the proud realization that you have shaped a human being is felt. This year was filled with so many of those moments that I can only guess it means she's growing up..

This year was one of forgiveness and moving on in my life. I won't say that the moving on part has been completely finished, but I'm trying my best to wake up each day with a smile. If there would be any resolution to keep, or attempt in this new year it would be to live more for myself and to choose happiness over sadness. It seems simple enough but its really difficult for me.

What makes me happy? This.

I get caught up in the every day stress of who is watching the kids, who is cleaning the house, doing dishes, cat boxes and laundry, appointments.. and to be honest, the answer is almost always "me."  I've been stuck in a battle against my husband and I'm guessing this battle won't ever be won fairly enough to make it worthwhile. So I'm going to try to resolve that those jobs are simply mine. It isn't fair. I don't think it ever will be. So instead of fighting and trying to make it fair, I need to figure out a system that makes me the happiest. Because this is my life too.

I don't have all the answers. I only know that I love my children with and without autism, and that I love my husband with and without his issues. I don't want to leave him because I have dishes to do. I don't want to feel unappreciated and walked on either. I want happiness. And being totally honest with myself.. I want control while simultaneously wanting someone else to take control. Someone else that is capable of it. And that someone else doesn't exist. So like it or not, its on my shoulders. How can I be happy with it?

How can I make each day a happy day no matter what? Is it possible to become happy even if our marriage isn't "fair"? With so many naysayers telling me that divorce is the only option, I've shut people out of my life even more than usual and I want to change that as well.

I want 2012 to be a year of honesty and happiness from the inside out. I may not be able to change the things that other people do and say, but I can change my outlook. At least I hope I can anyway.

Are you in control over your own happiness? Does it come naturally to you or did you have to work at it?

While I try to cheer myself up from having a horrible day with the kiddos (Ivy's hyperactivity is driving me crazy to be honest.. I'm considering medication.) we'll be eating overpriced Chinese food soon and celebrating the end of 2011 and welcoming in 2012 by watching the ball drop. (its so boring to me but.. its tradition) I hope your family is as blessed as mine and you're able to find happiness every day no matter how small.

I also hope that I'm able to take my own advice at least once in awhile. ;)

Happy New Year folks. <3

Plugged In and Checked Out

January is almost here, and with the new calendar comes more appointments for me and hopefully more answers. You see, three of us are officially diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Currently I have two children in various stages of evaluation, and my youngest just got referred as well. I'm so used to the testing and the questions that it seems almost silly to get official diagnosis's for anyone, but I know that without it, they might not be able to access services they might need in the coming years.

I wish I had more support, but I'm married to a man that carries different diagnosis's, all of them given in his childhood.. so really, I don't know whats going on with him. For all I know he could be on the spectrum himself. Getting him to seek out any help for himself is challenging. And being married is more like having a 6th child most of the time. He spends all of his time with his Iphone stuck to the front of his face. He doesn't play the PS3 during the day because we finally came to the agreement that he needed to stay tuned into life. So instead, he games on his phone. Somehow he thinks its different. When I talk to him, and he doesn't listen to anything I'd said. Or when I look at him and feel those feelings of love, and realize.. no matter what I can't get him to look at me back long enough to have "a moment." He's tuned into his phone literally 24/7. He's worse than my 13 year old. And he's totally checked out of life completely.

I often wonder if other women feel this way in their marriages. I feel like we've long since passed that in love stage, and we're straight into argue about absolutely everything area.

Ever since his leg surgery and his addiction, Chris has been an angry, isolated person. And since I have Asperger's you'd expect this to be okay with me.. except its not. Because its not the relationship I came into. We BOTH were introverts and we relied on each other to help us peek out of our shells. One of us continued to try and push every day, and one of us fell into the shadows and has let his childhood demons come back to haunt him.

I don't know about you.. but its not that much fun loving someone with a history of trauma. I should know, I have my own baggage and it can be daunting sometimes! Its not easy to be told that I'm doing things that remind the person of their abuse. This is something new to our relationship. We used to share our stories and talk about what happened.. never did we put blame on each other for anything.

Maybe it comes with being together for so long? Its been a decade now. The longest relationship I've ever had. Even longer than my parents had with me, ...only my grandmother knew me longer.. and its fast approaching the 15 year mark.

What I can say is this.. sometimes talking doesn't help. Most of the time it makes things worse in my case. The type of conversation that I think is helpful and makes me feel better, makes him feel shame and because of that he withdraws. Then we spend hours deadlocked. I alternate between crying and withdrawing, to trying to talk using all my communication skills and feeling defeated. Eventually I give up. After some time, if I give up completely and pretend things are fine then he'll come around. On his own time. In his own way. But the issue that caused us to argue in the first place is never resolved and inside my heart I feel sad and alone.

I think about our marriage and those feelings of sadness and isolation are what caused me to leave my last marriage and seek out that love from someone else. Knowing that I don't want that, my instinct is to work through things and try to fix it. However its really hard when one person isn't communicating at all, and the other is somehow not communicating effectively. At least half the time I feel doomed. Like a gerbil spinning in a wheel. I feel like I'm giving all of myself, my soul, and heart to my children and this marriage and not getting in return what I need to feel fulfilled and loved. I want so much to reach out, but the past has shown me that talking does no good. And it hurts so much to be rejected the way I have been lately.

I don't know whats in store for my life down the road. I only know where I am and where I want to be. I want happiness and love. I'm struggling, but still trying to keep this relationship together. I wonder if we have what it takes to still be together. I wonder if thats the right path or if we're fighting a losing battle. I don't have answers to any of those questions and its frustrating that Google can't answer it for me..

I think I need to find a pen pal, or a forum somewhere and get back into communication with other people. I need to feel like people are listening to me somewhere because I'm not feeling the bond in my home right now. Its not just being a woman with an autism spectrum disorder, but its parenting 5 children.. several of which have autism as well. My life isn't an easy one, but somehow I will make it work because I know others have it far worse. Its what keeps me going. Knowing that to someone else, I have it easy.

So how much does communication really matter in a marriage? Do you think its possible to love someone, be married, parent and have a gap in communication? Does it feed into trust or distrust? Am I doomed?

When Empathy and Advocacy Collide, Will You Speak Up?

Image via WikipediaI recently read the post, "Empathy and Advocacy: Closing the Gap" by blogger Lynne Soraya who writes the blog "Asperger's Diary" on the Psychology Today website. She contacted me on my twitter @AutisticMama and said that she was interested in my opinion as a parent.

Being autistic myself, and also being a mother to children on the Autism Spectrum I can say that I've been in both situations quite a few times and I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer. Like many other situations in life, the choice to stand up and speak out is individual.

It's really hard for me to be in public and see how common it is for people to react negatively to others, no matter what the issue is. I think perhaps because I'm actively not looking at them, I am picking up on everything else. I can feel and hear far more than most neurotypical people around me can. I don't see it though, I feel it. This type of emotional response is more common than I once thought, common among those of us with an Autism Spectrum Disorder anyway. Once thought to lack empathy, professionals are starting to realize that our emotional responses are often too much, not too little. And often times the emotions are being received at such a fast rate, that we become overwhelmed. Bombarded and assaulted by our senses. As always, research is ongoing as to why this occurs.

I usually know instantly when I'm around someone that is cognitively or neurologically different somehow. There is an unspoken language I think. I see those subtle signs of stress, or agitation. I can see that they aren't gazing at a flower, or walking by daydreaming. Instead I can see that they're counting the petals on the flower, and humming the theme song to a TV show over and over while running their index finger round and round on their thumb nail.

I see these things because I live with them daily in myself. (this is of course a doubled edged sword. It means I am capable of seeing when my autistic children are coming close to meltdown point, but sometimes my mommy-mode mind isn't listening. This is incredibly frustrating for me and I will tell you honestly that I do feel guilty every day for trying too hard to be a neurotypical mom when I'm not. It's a difficult line to ride.)

I can't tell you the number of times I've seen children flapping, spinning, or scripting to themselves and watched interactions with their parents and been shocked to learn later (in cases that they become acquaintances )that the parents don't see their children in distress at all. In fact, they complain of all the typical autism symptoms, but don't realize their child is autistic at all. Meltdowns are called temper tantrums, stimming is called "being a freak" or the child " being a weirdo." and other behaviors are receive responses like, "He is all boy!" and "she's just a sensitive girl that's shy and keeps to herself."

Now I'm all for not labeling everyone just for the heck of it, but I still cannot fathom in this day and age how people can't know their child is autistic. Then I remember...before autism was a part of our lives; I didn't know either. I just didn't know.

It's like not knowing anything about Parry-Romberg syndrome or Ribose-5-phosphate isomerase deficiency. Why don't I know anything about those disorders? Simple. Its because they haven't impacted my life yet. Is that a great way to live, running around completely ignorant that these disorders are affecting children? No. Its also not feasible that I learn about every disorder and disease out there. (at least not without obtaining a degree while doing so) Familiarizing myself with the "most common" diseases and syndromes is do-able. And Autism should be on that list for people I think. I think its do-able for every person out there. (Of course I also believe everyone should know how to perform CPR.)



It takes time though. Awareness doesn't happen overnight. To be honest, the arguing among professionals about the different types of autism and where and how they're going to change things is off-putting to people. No one wants to hear more about a subject that is so filled with emotion and anger. Its like shying away from discussing politics. Autism has become like that. A subject that seems to have only two sides, those that know nothing and those that think they know everything.

Finding common ground and coming together to help people become more aware needs to happen first within the autism community, before we can reach others. Its just surrounded by controversy and drama. How can I even begin to talk to people about it when many have their own opinions about it already.

"Just another crackpot diagnosis."
"Just another excuse for poor behavior and bad parents."
"Another ADHD"
"Yep sure, everyone has that nowadays."

Add in the vaccine debates and its just not friendly waters.

That being said, whether I speak up or not in a situation like the one above would depend on a number of factors. What exactly did they say? Was it loud enough for a lot of other people and/or the mother and child to hear? Was it very rude or very ignorant? How am I feeling that day? Have I met my social limit already? Am I already stimming like crazy myself and looking for the exit? Do I have my hands full with my own screaming kids? What do the people look like? Despite what they might have said, do they otherwise seem like they might accept me saying something to them, or do they look like they might scream at me for butting my nose in? Do I even have enough reserve left for me to really look at them and not just look around them? If I don't have enough reserve left to even look at them to assess the situation, then I won't attempt to say anything at all.

I try really hard to look at mothers in those situations and give them my "I know how hard it is, I understand" look. (which may come across as the creepy I'm watching you look.. I might need to practice more) If I have enough reserve to do all those things above, and find them to seem to be people that would be somewhat kind if I spoke up.. then I might say something like, "She seemed to me like she might be ____(insert something here) developmentally delayed, autistic, etc. Sometimes depending on initial reaction, I might then say that my daughter is autistic as well and that many children with autism flap their hands (for example)

Stopping to gauge their reaction is important because then I try very hard to know if they want or need more information, or if they think I'm a weirdo and they're secretly wishing I'd fall off a cliff. Sometimes I botch this part up. When I get nervous and think I'm doing something socially inappropriate (butting my nose in) I often do it more, or continually, because I get stuck in a loop and panic. Not very helpful.

I tend to use my own experiences rather than the child/parent in question. That way I feel like I'm not broadcasting their business everywhere. And of course, I also preface anything I say with words that make it very clear that I don't know 100% that the child is autistic. She could have a brain tumor, or some other neurological disorder. I don't know.

However I do know that being rude isn't helpful to the mother or the child, and if I can make them think about the situation in a different light, then awareness has been achieved. Because in the end its not just about autism awareness. Its about acceptance, compassion and empathy for fellow humans. No matter what the diagnosis of the child might be, its secondary to the lesson in being kind and non judgmental towards other human beings.

Related articles

• Empathy and Advocacy: Closing the Gap (psychologytoday.com)

Happy Fathers Day! and a rather large update

Oh yes, I've been worse than horrible about updating. What can I say? I have four kids. Cut me some slack.

As you can see, that is baby #5 right there on the left. We had our 20 week ultrasound a few weeks ago. Today I'm 20 weeks and 5 days along. And technically its baby #7, since I had two miscarriages in between the girls.

We decided to find out the gender this time. The result? Baby number 5 is another girl to add to our estrogen filled home! Daddy is thrilled beyond belief and I'm happy keeping Odin the only little man in my life for now. =)

All the testing came back good, and the 20 week scan looks great. My thyroid levels are off though, so I'm back on synthroid again. I was on it for Sierra and Ivy too.

My OB doesn't want me going until my due date, which is officially November 3rd 2009. Instead they want to induce me the last week of October, or sooner depending on how much I dilate. I'm alright with that, since usually after ROM I go quickly.

Lets see... Ivy graduated Kindergarten the other day. I'm so proud of her. She really has learned so much this past year. As weird as her teacher was at times, she was a good teacher for Ivy. She even returned the communication notebook to me at the end of the year. I'm impressed. Ivy retained her IEP for next year, though it was by the skin of her teeth. We advocated for her based on her below average pragmatic skills test scores, and her need for sensory breaks an other accommodations. So she'll be in the social skills group with the SLP next year in 1st grade. Her evaluation by the school psychologist was a joke. Well, reevaluation. It was 5 minutes of observation and 10 minutes of "conversation." He concluded her pragmatic language was excellent and she had no issues at all. So he was not going to diagnose her officially with Asperger's at all. ..... at the IEP meeting I called attention to the discrepancy in his report versus the speech and language pathologists report that looked at her pragmatics. She scored below average, enough to qualify her for special education for another year. And yet he said it was excellent?? He asked her questions again about things, and she gave fictional answers. But since I wasn't there, he had no reference. He took it all at face value and claimed there was nothing wrong there. I was livid to say the least. In the end though I had to back off a bit. They were willing to give me an IEP for another year and THAT was the goal of that day. I can get her a medical diagnosis on the autism spectrum another day by a real professional. LOL The schools job is to help me help her. And I believe they did. It was a successful IEP meeting, albiet my first stressful one.

Piper still has a whole year and 1/2 left before she goes to preschool. I can't believe that. She's such a big girl and SO ready. Of course she has that 3 year old attitude. LOL She also took the scissors to her hair the other day. Gone was that hard to make decision about whether I should cut off all her hair to give her bangs or not. No, she made the decision easy! Most of her hair was cut off to make it even after her barber job, and she's now sporting a very cute bob. I have to admit, she didn't do a bad job on the side she cut. And just like her mom, she hid the hair under the bed. (RIP Aunt Alice)

Sierra has run the gamut of things she's willing to do for popularity and/or friends. Her first serious "relationship" with a 13 year old boy ended badly recently. She refused to kiss him because she wasn't ready for her first kiss, and after a month of waiting he was too embarrassed that his girlfriend wouldn't kiss him that he dumped her. Now she's willing to do anything to get him back, including sacrifice her own self worth. I can't think of anything I hate more. Watching my daughter give up everything for a boy that I know is playing her. Being used. And not being able to stop it. As a parent I'm pretty powerless to these social things. Being an aspie parent I'm even more powerless because I don't get it in the first place. I find it hard to understand why she NEEDS these horrible friends that treat her like crap. Or why she MUST do things/say things when they're around. I simply do not get it.

I count my blessings that I believe her trying smoking has ceased. She tried it twice. (first time because she wanted to try it. Second time because others heard she had tried it and dared her to again.. *insert eye rolling smilie here*)

smoking.. boys... kissing....

I'm not going to like the next 7 years.
Yes, she turned 11 finally. It seems she's been stuck at 10 doing much older things for awhile now. I'll be glad when my pre-teen acting like a teen finally IS a teen. Then it will seem age appropriate at least. Ahh what a period at 9 will do to you... hormones really are the devil.

Odin my little man is not so little anymore. He's 16 months old now and just as snuggly as ever. I think everything he's doing is age appropriate and on target. (though I said that about Ivy as well and looking back... well.. I was a little bit of an idiot.)
He says "key eee" for kitty
"baww" for ball
"I did it" for I did it.
"dada" for dada
(no mama at all. *sigh*)
"up"
"yes"
"no"
"nope"
"ahh yes"
"ahh no" when thinking LOL
"step" when he wants help getting up or down the stairs or steps
"I said stop!"
"stop!"
"stop it!" (can you tell he has siblings?)

He says some variation of thank you, though I can't think of what is is right now. It sounds nothing like thank you, but he says it everytime you give him something so I'm assuming thats what it is.

He blows kisses with both hands. He gives kisses and hugs.
He pulls hair still. A LOT.
He hits faces.
He doesn't bite much. Not as much as the girls did.
He loves to play with his trucks and play outside.
He plays by himself a lot better than the girls did.

He nightweaned himself a few months ago. He takes a sippy with diluted milk to bed. (we're weaning down to water) He nurses once a day. Occasionally twice a day, but no more than that. He just doesn't want it like the girls did. Odd huh?
He hates shoes and refuses to wear anything but Robeez. He'll walk in those but everything else causes him to fall on the floor screaming and howling pitifully.
He still sleeps in my bed... and I'm unsure how to transition him to his own bed so soon..with the new baby on his heels.

He's the most snuggly baby I've ever had and I love him so much.



(Picture of the girls taken at the Old Port Festival in Portland.) I went to see Thriving Ivory perform and I enjoyed every minute of it! (I also have a video of it on YouTube.)


In conclusion... heres to you Chris! My wonderful loving husband. I'm so glad I married you. (seriously!) I'm so glad I chose you to have a family with. You're an awesome father to my oldest, even if she's not yours by blood.. and you're a great dad to our children we made together. I love you so much! Happy Fathers day darling.. and thanks for the waffles and bacon. ;-)


<3 Peace.

Long Overdue Update.. of sortas.

Alright so it might not be a complete update because really, who has time for that? Most likely I can't remember everything at the moment, but I can try.

Ivy has started Kindergarten. She started Sept 5th, 2008. It was Friday. She got accepted into the full day program, and though I was really worried about her.. she's done well. I worry about things that I realize most of parents probably don't worry about. I worry that she might forget to wipe herself and have wet underwear. She hates her clothes getting wet, would she be able to tell someone whats wrong coherently? I packed a full change of clothes. I'll bet not all the other parents had to do that. I worry that she'll have a hard time in her classes and she'll have to sit in the isolation booth I saw in the school. Now I'm not even sure thats what they use it for, but I'm guessing. I wish I knew for sure because its been on my mind since I saw it at open house. I worry that she'll try to make a friend and be turned down. Though I guess thats happened to most of us at once point. I wouldn't be a very good parent if I didn't wish my kids didn't have to go through everything painful that I did. So she has an hour of OT a week and an hour of Speech therapy a week. So far she's been doing great in both. In fact, she's been doing great in the classroom. No red lights. No yellow lights. She's stayed in the green the whole time. And I've gotta wonder, would she still be doing just as great in their motivational behavior program had she not pretty much secured a diagnosis? Would be they harder on her or expect more from her? I guess I'll never know. And if I had to pick, I'd pick that they're more leniant. The world needs more compassion.

Sierra is in 5th grade this year. For some reason that just seems like its all grown up. 5th sounds older then 4th. Older in ways that seem incomprehensible to me. She is 10 going on 16. Skipping years the way her life skipped from 4 to 8 in my eyes. Years gone that I can't ever get back. No matter. She is here with me now like I knew she would be. Her period came and went, irregular. Years before her peers. Some of which don't even know what a period is or why. Its those parents I strived NOT to be. I wanted my daughter informed, the way I wasn't informed. I was left to find out what things were from dirty books that I'd steal from the local thrift store. I suppose my grandmother felt that my father taught me enough. She wears eyeliner now, my daughter. She puts on all the makeup, she runs in the door from school to reapply.. and recently after a sleepover she was so uncomfortable the next day because she didn't have her makeup. The first thing she did when she got home was run to the bathroom to apply. The lines are dark and harsh. Contrasting her face. Forcing me to look at her as a woman. My little girl. My baby. My peanut. Even though she wears makeup, shaves her legs now, and has her period.. I dread that I will soon have to tell her that a "real" bra is almost a necessity. She loves her little sports bras. And most of all she loves that holding onto that type of bra is symbolic to her of holding onto her childhood. Few things remain, if I could but let her keep ahold of that one. I hope she remembers her childhood fondly. I hope I'm not too frequently the subject in a negative light when she inevitably sees the shrink. I love my daughter. She's doing well in school. She is popular with both girls and boys. She loves dance. She misses gymnastics. So I put her in tumbling. I worry that her father will try to change his mind. The same way he asked her if she wanted to go to school in his town with his girlfriend, at his house I'm sure. She said no. I was shocked. Stunned even. Its not often she stands up for how she trully feels. She is getting older... and every day its scary.

Piper is classic two years old. Or more honestly, what has been worse for our family.. the THREES. She screams, cries, kicks, spits, yells at me. But her smile when she's happy breaks my heart. It melts her father, who says she looks just like me. I love her and she is so special. I know she will probably grow up and feel somewhat in the shadows, and I don't want that. I want her to know that she is special in her own right. She is so very loved and wanted, and an important part of our family. Ivy is Ivy. Ivy is autistic. That doesn't mean that Piper isn't special. My therapist make the mistake of saying that I talk about Ivy a lot but she never hears about Piper. That made me pretty defensive for sure. Because I love all my kids and they are all special in their own way. Piper is a snuggle bug. She sleeps in her Dora bed half the night. (Ivy sleeps in a big girl bed in her room) and the other half of the night she is snuggled up with me. She is becoming quite the comedian, and the other two year olds in the neighborhood seem so behind in comparison to her. She's smart, and so loveable.

Odin.. what can I say? He's my boy. I never thought I'd like boys. Duncan left a sour taste in my mouth. Not only because of him, but because I feared my own inability to parent. I dind't want to face those fears. But I did. And the reward is a huge love for my son. I'm proud to say son and not feel like I want to cry. Right now he's 7 months old and crawling everywhere. He's standing up on furniture and crusing slowly. Sometimes he still falls on his face. He's eating big people food, and still nursing. Most of the time he's a good natured loving baby. He loves people in general and is usually smiling. He's wearing 12 month clothes. I love him so much. His hair is so soft and his kisses are so good in that baby sorta way. <3 you Oddie.

Chris and I are doing well. We are how we've been only better. Marraige is something you have to work on. Stranly I wish someone would have told me that before. Well no.. because I'm glad I didnt stay to work it out with him.. however, it seems silly to just sorta realize that its something you need to work on. It doesn't just come naturally. I mean, maybe it does to other people that aren't weird but to me... not much comes easily.

I'm waiting for the dr's office to call me back. They refered me to tessting for Asperger's Syndrome. There will be a bunch of paperwork to fill out and then I'll have the appointment. I'm not sure if I'm excited or scared. Confirmation or denial seems like a huge deal. Everything I put my being on hinges on this appointment. Ah well.. I'll keep you updated.

I suppose I should go to bed. Oh, and I am obligated to tell you I wrote this under the influence. LOL Yes I know it seems a bit disconnected. (ok a lot disconnected) I do realize I write better this way. No, it doesnt make sense all the time, but hey it was easier for me to write. And thats all that matters. Though if this is a blog then I guess it does matter if you can read it coherantly. ... or then again, maybe you could just read a different blog than mine. Yes thats it.

Alright peeps, I'm out. Peace.
PS. Remind me to tell you about the neighbors next time.

Are You Ready to Let Go?

School starts soon. Not just for my 10 year old, but also for my 5 year old. She'll be going into Kindergarten in two weeks. They had a lottery for all day K, since its a new thing they're doing. The psychologist suggested that she go all day, but I was leery. She's only done 2 hours a day for 4 days a week of preschool. Is she ready for a jump to 5 days a week, 7am-3pm? I have no idea. But she's going to be doing it. Her name came up in the lottery, and Ivy will be riding the big girl bus with her sister. (thank the Goddess for that! I'm thrilled that she'll be on the bus with Sierra, Nicolas, Sarah, Katrina, and Chris. Not so thrilled that Jenna and David will be on the bus too.. but.. can't be choosy I guess.)

Her IEP is done. Her backpack is bought. Her screening is coming up soon. I'm not sure why they want to screen a child that they already know is autistic, but okay. I don't know what good a screening assessment will do.
Her hair is cut.
She has some new school clothes. Some new supplies.

but I wonder if I'm ready. I'm not worried for the typical mother reasons. I'm worried for other reasons. I'm afraid that kids will tease her. And I know they will. The neighborhood kids do every day. She does things they think are weird and annoying. Will she be able to make friends? How long will it take her to remember their names? Will she be able to tell me about her day? Will they give me a communication notebook so I know whats going on at school?

She'll be in an hour of speech therapy, and an hour of OT a week. Thats what she's been getting now, so she's used to it. However, in school it most likely won't be individual but instead small groups. I'm not sure how well that will go.

She's been having speech and OT privatly all summer with a nice lady named Erin. There have been some speech improvements, at least during sessions. In the real world however it doesn't get applied much. She's been working on social skills with her too. She said when she writes up her paperwork at the end of the summer, she's going to be suggesting that they make her diagnosis official because her speech issues (pragmatics, social issues, expressive) are a match to those of an Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis. And there is no reason to hold off on an accurate diagnosis. Especially when she could be benefiting from more services, and more support. She needs to be in a real social skills class badly.


Her OT comes to the house once a week, and seems to be rather green. I'm not sure if she hasn't much experience with autistic children, or if she hasn't had much experience period. She's nice enough, and I'm happy with her.. but it seems to has to work too much to come to the same conclusion about something that I do. She commented that I should be an OT because I was so knowedgable about it. LOL She seemed to be thrilled and in awe at all I knew and all I've done with Ivy. I didn't tell her its because my children are MY obsession. LOL


Before Ivy ages out of Early Intervention, the OT was able to order Ivy a compression vest in purple. Its made of neoprene and its very cozy. She is also ordering a weighted blanket in Hannah Montana fabric. (I haven't written that Ivy's obsession changed did I? Its no longer Spongebob. Its Hannah Montana. In fact, we had a Hannah Montana party too) So those are two great items that she's getting for her to use. She also got her a brush to use, so we can start a brushing protocol on her for deep pressure input. Ivy likes it.

There is some school shopping left to do. Clothes for Sierra, backpack for her. Some clothes for Ivy. Registration for dance classes is done. And Ivy is down to two more Speech appointments, and one more OT appointments and then its off to school......

I have no choice but to be ready.. Kindergarten here we come!

The Great Divide Widens

Its been warming up here the past week. All the neighborhood kids have come out to play, and Ivy has been meeting them and in theory.. making friends. She seems oblivious to their looks, or their comments, or the tone in their voice... and I so wish that I was oblivious too, because it kills me to listen to them talk to her the way they do.

I can hear it in their voice.. "Oh my god.. she is weird!" when they say, "Let's go um... play over.. there.. somewhere not here.. (with her)"

I can see the looks they glance to each other and the whispers.

I can read between the lines when they tell her that they want to be her friend and then ask to go play at her house so that they can play together with each other and exclude her.. but use all her toys in her room.

I watch them laugh as she gets upset about something they said in fun.

I watch them call her names because she's a bit behind in some things. They taunt her, "You're a baby! Only a baaabyyyy doesn't know how to ride a bike! You can't even ride a tricycle!" And then I fight back the tears as I watch her sit there in silence.. pushing with everything she has on the pedals of that tricycle.. trying so hard.. so determined... I encourage her to keep trying, "Great job pushing your feet! Keep trying!" After awhile she finally gets off and shrugs her shoulders, and says "I change my mind. I change my mind."

I smile as I see her with her arm around one of her new friends.. and then fight to control myself when I watch her "friend" knock her arm away and say, "don't touch me!" I see the look on her face of confusion. I wish I could make her understand... but before I'm done thinking that thought, she has forgotten about it and moved on to something else.

Falling asleep at night she says, "Mama, do you love me or hate me?" and I know that someone has said this to her today... and she's trying to figure it out in her mind. Repeating those things that trip her up. I bite my tongue and hold back tears for what seems like the hundredth time today... I can do this. I can. I can hold it together.

"Mama loves you Ivy. Always."
"I don't hate you either. Either. I don't. I don't hate you." she says. "But some kids do. Its okay. Its an accident. Its okay." she smiles and closes her eyes.

I know that every child goes through days like today. I know every parent feels those pangs of sadness and helplessness. Its her innocence that makes it hard. Everything she experiences is like Teflon. No matter how much it hurts me, on the surface it seems to slide right off her. I only wonder how much it really slides off... how much sticks there? How much will she carry with her forever? And am I doing enough? How can I be there for every social exchange 24/7?

Does the feeling in the pit of my stomach ever go away?