Almost the End of 2009

When you take a group photo of 4 kids six and under, its hard to get a good shot. Someone is either not looking, sticking their tongue out, wiggling too much, and completely out of the shot. This is the best one I got. I like it, even if Piper isn't looking. Again.

So Christmas is over. I know I haven't posted pictures of it. I will. But the tree is already down. I couldn't take it up anymore. Which makes me sad because I remember how much I loved the lights hanging up year round at the farm. I would stare at them and squint my eyes up, and wiggle my head back and forth. I'd watch how the lights would spin when you closed your eyes halfway. How they colors could all swirl into one. I'm not sure how no one knew I was autistic back then. Even to me looking back its pretty obvious. Oh what the power of the internet and google could have done 30 years ago! It would have made sense to my endless spinning. Even when I got older and played with my cousins, I'd manufacturer games that involved spinning. As I watch my daughter interact with kids, I cringe knowing thats how badly I interacted as well. I was bossy and demanding. I know why. I needed them to play the way I was playing because I already had it in my head. THIS was how the Barbies were going to play today. They had boyfriends and they were going to watch and movie. And pretend I said that I loved him. Pretend I was here. Pretend I was there. No! No! Not there! HERE! Uggghhhh over HERE! .... I didn't care what they wanted to do. I didn't like their ideas because I had already written how the playing was going to go. It was already in stone. You can't change that. ..... I watch my 3 year old struggle to play with Ivy because she wants to use her own ideas, and Ivy will have none of that. I've become a broken record; Let your sister play the way she wants to play Ivy. Let her use her own ideas please. Ivy stop telling her what to say. .. Eventually Piper gets tired of it and wanders off to watch tv, which of course leaves Ivy absolutely angry beyond belief because SHE WAS PLAYING!

I look at the picture above and I can see it. I love her to death, and the picture is adorable! However.. her arms are around both the baby and Odin, because then SHE is the one in control. I know her reasons. It helps to control the chaos in her head. It gives her consistency and helps her to know whats happening if she's the one calling the shots. But to others it appears controlling and bossy. And it often leaves Piper out..

One of my New Years Eve things this year... I can't think of the word I'm looking for. Promises... um...oh! Resolutions! One of my resolutions is going to be to make more time for Piper. To pay attention to her more when she talks and grabs my arm. She's the middle girl and she tends to get lost sometimes I think. I don't want that. I want her to know I love her and she's every bit as important as Ivy (chris and my first together and the one with special needs) and Odin (the only boy) and Persephone (the baby) and Sierra (the real oldest but different kid cause she has two homes) .... Piper just IS in all of this, and I want her to feel special too.

I'll post more later, PJ is fussing.

Happy Fathers Day! and a rather large update

Oh yes, I've been worse than horrible about updating. What can I say? I have four kids. Cut me some slack.

As you can see, that is baby #5 right there on the left. We had our 20 week ultrasound a few weeks ago. Today I'm 20 weeks and 5 days along. And technically its baby #7, since I had two miscarriages in between the girls.

We decided to find out the gender this time. The result? Baby number 5 is another girl to add to our estrogen filled home! Daddy is thrilled beyond belief and I'm happy keeping Odin the only little man in my life for now. =)

All the testing came back good, and the 20 week scan looks great. My thyroid levels are off though, so I'm back on synthroid again. I was on it for Sierra and Ivy too.

My OB doesn't want me going until my due date, which is officially November 3rd 2009. Instead they want to induce me the last week of October, or sooner depending on how much I dilate. I'm alright with that, since usually after ROM I go quickly.

Lets see... Ivy graduated Kindergarten the other day. I'm so proud of her. She really has learned so much this past year. As weird as her teacher was at times, she was a good teacher for Ivy. She even returned the communication notebook to me at the end of the year. I'm impressed. Ivy retained her IEP for next year, though it was by the skin of her teeth. We advocated for her based on her below average pragmatic skills test scores, and her need for sensory breaks an other accommodations. So she'll be in the social skills group with the SLP next year in 1st grade. Her evaluation by the school psychologist was a joke. Well, reevaluation. It was 5 minutes of observation and 10 minutes of "conversation." He concluded her pragmatic language was excellent and she had no issues at all. So he was not going to diagnose her officially with Asperger's at all. ..... at the IEP meeting I called attention to the discrepancy in his report versus the speech and language pathologists report that looked at her pragmatics. She scored below average, enough to qualify her for special education for another year. And yet he said it was excellent?? He asked her questions again about things, and she gave fictional answers. But since I wasn't there, he had no reference. He took it all at face value and claimed there was nothing wrong there. I was livid to say the least. In the end though I had to back off a bit. They were willing to give me an IEP for another year and THAT was the goal of that day. I can get her a medical diagnosis on the autism spectrum another day by a real professional. LOL The schools job is to help me help her. And I believe they did. It was a successful IEP meeting, albiet my first stressful one.

Piper still has a whole year and 1/2 left before she goes to preschool. I can't believe that. She's such a big girl and SO ready. Of course she has that 3 year old attitude. LOL She also took the scissors to her hair the other day. Gone was that hard to make decision about whether I should cut off all her hair to give her bangs or not. No, she made the decision easy! Most of her hair was cut off to make it even after her barber job, and she's now sporting a very cute bob. I have to admit, she didn't do a bad job on the side she cut. And just like her mom, she hid the hair under the bed. (RIP Aunt Alice)

Sierra has run the gamut of things she's willing to do for popularity and/or friends. Her first serious "relationship" with a 13 year old boy ended badly recently. She refused to kiss him because she wasn't ready for her first kiss, and after a month of waiting he was too embarrassed that his girlfriend wouldn't kiss him that he dumped her. Now she's willing to do anything to get him back, including sacrifice her own self worth. I can't think of anything I hate more. Watching my daughter give up everything for a boy that I know is playing her. Being used. And not being able to stop it. As a parent I'm pretty powerless to these social things. Being an aspie parent I'm even more powerless because I don't get it in the first place. I find it hard to understand why she NEEDS these horrible friends that treat her like crap. Or why she MUST do things/say things when they're around. I simply do not get it.

I count my blessings that I believe her trying smoking has ceased. She tried it twice. (first time because she wanted to try it. Second time because others heard she had tried it and dared her to again.. *insert eye rolling smilie here*)

smoking.. boys... kissing....

I'm not going to like the next 7 years.
Yes, she turned 11 finally. It seems she's been stuck at 10 doing much older things for awhile now. I'll be glad when my pre-teen acting like a teen finally IS a teen. Then it will seem age appropriate at least. Ahh what a period at 9 will do to you... hormones really are the devil.

Odin my little man is not so little anymore. He's 16 months old now and just as snuggly as ever. I think everything he's doing is age appropriate and on target. (though I said that about Ivy as well and looking back... well.. I was a little bit of an idiot.)
He says "key eee" for kitty
"baww" for ball
"I did it" for I did it.
"dada" for dada
(no mama at all. *sigh*)
"up"
"yes"
"no"
"nope"
"ahh yes"
"ahh no" when thinking LOL
"step" when he wants help getting up or down the stairs or steps
"I said stop!"
"stop!"
"stop it!" (can you tell he has siblings?)

He says some variation of thank you, though I can't think of what is is right now. It sounds nothing like thank you, but he says it everytime you give him something so I'm assuming thats what it is.

He blows kisses with both hands. He gives kisses and hugs.
He pulls hair still. A LOT.
He hits faces.
He doesn't bite much. Not as much as the girls did.
He loves to play with his trucks and play outside.
He plays by himself a lot better than the girls did.

He nightweaned himself a few months ago. He takes a sippy with diluted milk to bed. (we're weaning down to water) He nurses once a day. Occasionally twice a day, but no more than that. He just doesn't want it like the girls did. Odd huh?
He hates shoes and refuses to wear anything but Robeez. He'll walk in those but everything else causes him to fall on the floor screaming and howling pitifully.
He still sleeps in my bed... and I'm unsure how to transition him to his own bed so soon..with the new baby on his heels.

He's the most snuggly baby I've ever had and I love him so much.



(Picture of the girls taken at the Old Port Festival in Portland.) I went to see Thriving Ivory perform and I enjoyed every minute of it! (I also have a video of it on YouTube.)


In conclusion... heres to you Chris! My wonderful loving husband. I'm so glad I married you. (seriously!) I'm so glad I chose you to have a family with. You're an awesome father to my oldest, even if she's not yours by blood.. and you're a great dad to our children we made together. I love you so much! Happy Fathers day darling.. and thanks for the waffles and bacon. ;-)


<3 Peace.

The Great Divide Widens

Its been warming up here the past week. All the neighborhood kids have come out to play, and Ivy has been meeting them and in theory.. making friends. She seems oblivious to their looks, or their comments, or the tone in their voice... and I so wish that I was oblivious too, because it kills me to listen to them talk to her the way they do.

I can hear it in their voice.. "Oh my god.. she is weird!" when they say, "Let's go um... play over.. there.. somewhere not here.. (with her)"

I can see the looks they glance to each other and the whispers.

I can read between the lines when they tell her that they want to be her friend and then ask to go play at her house so that they can play together with each other and exclude her.. but use all her toys in her room.

I watch them laugh as she gets upset about something they said in fun.

I watch them call her names because she's a bit behind in some things. They taunt her, "You're a baby! Only a baaabyyyy doesn't know how to ride a bike! You can't even ride a tricycle!" And then I fight back the tears as I watch her sit there in silence.. pushing with everything she has on the pedals of that tricycle.. trying so hard.. so determined... I encourage her to keep trying, "Great job pushing your feet! Keep trying!" After awhile she finally gets off and shrugs her shoulders, and says "I change my mind. I change my mind."

I smile as I see her with her arm around one of her new friends.. and then fight to control myself when I watch her "friend" knock her arm away and say, "don't touch me!" I see the look on her face of confusion. I wish I could make her understand... but before I'm done thinking that thought, she has forgotten about it and moved on to something else.

Falling asleep at night she says, "Mama, do you love me or hate me?" and I know that someone has said this to her today... and she's trying to figure it out in her mind. Repeating those things that trip her up. I bite my tongue and hold back tears for what seems like the hundredth time today... I can do this. I can. I can hold it together.

"Mama loves you Ivy. Always."
"I don't hate you either. Either. I don't. I don't hate you." she says. "But some kids do. Its okay. Its an accident. Its okay." she smiles and closes her eyes.

I know that every child goes through days like today. I know every parent feels those pangs of sadness and helplessness. Its her innocence that makes it hard. Everything she experiences is like Teflon. No matter how much it hurts me, on the surface it seems to slide right off her. I only wonder how much it really slides off... how much sticks there? How much will she carry with her forever? And am I doing enough? How can I be there for every social exchange 24/7?

Does the feeling in the pit of my stomach ever go away?