A Shift

I've been noticing something is different in our family lately. It changed slowly. It wasn't overnight or anything, but still its so different it makes me take notice. We used to be able to buy things for "the kids."  Lately though they have all wanted to be seperate from each other. Unique individuals. (I know I shouldn't be shocked but I am) After years of having babies that didn't care one way or another if they were lumped into a group.. they suddenly care! Its not one size fits all anymore.

I feel what I imagine the husband on Sister Wives feels like. Overwhelmed sometimes with the amount of attention that has to be given. Everyone wants a slice of the pie. Of course they were demanding as babies but it was somehow more generic.

Now their personalities seem to have really come together and they're emerging as different people. Who would have thought! (this parenting stuff is like a mind trip sometimes XD)

Sierra loves zebras still (thank goodness) and the color green. She's more of a girly girl now, at least in how she dresses. She wears make up and buys pretty underwear. Sometimes I can't believe how old she is. When did my baby turn into a teenager? The time flies so fast. She still loves all things sour, and hates super sweet things. The past year I've watched her become concious about her weight. She shouldn't be of course, she's not overweight at all. I remember being the same age and feeling the same way though. I wish I could go back in time and love myself and my body more. All I can do is encourage her to love herself just the way she is.

Ivy loves pigs and vampires. She has added new interests in other things like king Tut. She asked for a guitar for Yule this year and she wants lessons from grandpa. She likes to write in her journal when she's upset. She still doesn't really enjoy arts and crafts much, but she loves games. Right now all the kids are into Minecraft. It's on all our phones, tablet and computer. We even are buying an Xbox just so they can play on the big tv.

Piper loves arts and crafts of all kinds. She is so like me as a child. (I think it's why we clash sometimes :) she likes zebras she says. Sierra hates being copied. Piper likes princesses and fairies. Her Yule present was oddly enough a baby alive doll. I have no idea why she wanted it, but she did. She's into Minecraft as well, and likes to do her own thing. She plays imaginative games with the others and its so fun to watch the. Interact with each other. It reminds me of my cousins and I.
She likes the color pink. She likes playing with friends. She likes creating things.

Odin is a roughhouse boy. He has sensory needs that cause him to seek out contact with other bodies.( It's been difficult to deal with lately. Ivy and Odin have still not really calmed down from the holidays. ) Odin loves the color yellow. He loves to read and write and draw diagrams. He loves numbers, order and routine. He is sensitive and hates noise and sudden movements. His anxiety rules a lot of his day. Some days are easier then others. His favorite obsession lately is Spongebob again. Cat in the hat isn't his favorite anymore. Or blues clues. I watch my kids grow up as their obsessions and special interests change. It's sometimes bittersweet to see a favorite theme or object change and see them move away from it.

Persephone is my firecracker. She is boob obsessed and has an armpit fetish. I'm not kidding! She wants to smell both of them, then kiss them and hug them. Sometimes I wonder why I get dressed around her at all. She's always under my shirt. She loves princessss and My Little Ponys. I wish I could have given her my collection as a child. Being the youngest I think she gets beat up a bit more. So she's learned to stand up for herself. Her and Odin are always tangled with legs and arms everywhere. I love her though, she's got spunk that's for sure.

I sit back sometimes and listen to my children talk to each other. They have real relationships with each other and it's fascinating to watch. I grew up an only child so this is all new to me. Parenting really does make you reflect on your life quite a bit.

The one thing they all enjoy

Almost the End of 2009

When you take a group photo of 4 kids six and under, its hard to get a good shot. Someone is either not looking, sticking their tongue out, wiggling too much, and completely out of the shot. This is the best one I got. I like it, even if Piper isn't looking. Again.

So Christmas is over. I know I haven't posted pictures of it. I will. But the tree is already down. I couldn't take it up anymore. Which makes me sad because I remember how much I loved the lights hanging up year round at the farm. I would stare at them and squint my eyes up, and wiggle my head back and forth. I'd watch how the lights would spin when you closed your eyes halfway. How they colors could all swirl into one. I'm not sure how no one knew I was autistic back then. Even to me looking back its pretty obvious. Oh what the power of the internet and google could have done 30 years ago! It would have made sense to my endless spinning. Even when I got older and played with my cousins, I'd manufacturer games that involved spinning. As I watch my daughter interact with kids, I cringe knowing thats how badly I interacted as well. I was bossy and demanding. I know why. I needed them to play the way I was playing because I already had it in my head. THIS was how the Barbies were going to play today. They had boyfriends and they were going to watch and movie. And pretend I said that I loved him. Pretend I was here. Pretend I was there. No! No! Not there! HERE! Uggghhhh over HERE! .... I didn't care what they wanted to do. I didn't like their ideas because I had already written how the playing was going to go. It was already in stone. You can't change that. ..... I watch my 3 year old struggle to play with Ivy because she wants to use her own ideas, and Ivy will have none of that. I've become a broken record; Let your sister play the way she wants to play Ivy. Let her use her own ideas please. Ivy stop telling her what to say. .. Eventually Piper gets tired of it and wanders off to watch tv, which of course leaves Ivy absolutely angry beyond belief because SHE WAS PLAYING!

I look at the picture above and I can see it. I love her to death, and the picture is adorable! However.. her arms are around both the baby and Odin, because then SHE is the one in control. I know her reasons. It helps to control the chaos in her head. It gives her consistency and helps her to know whats happening if she's the one calling the shots. But to others it appears controlling and bossy. And it often leaves Piper out..

One of my New Years Eve things this year... I can't think of the word I'm looking for. Promises... um...oh! Resolutions! One of my resolutions is going to be to make more time for Piper. To pay attention to her more when she talks and grabs my arm. She's the middle girl and she tends to get lost sometimes I think. I don't want that. I want her to know I love her and she's every bit as important as Ivy (chris and my first together and the one with special needs) and Odin (the only boy) and Persephone (the baby) and Sierra (the real oldest but different kid cause she has two homes) .... Piper just IS in all of this, and I want her to feel special too.

I'll post more later, PJ is fussing.

My Childrens Birth Stats

And finally all in one place, here are my childrens birth stats. Of interesting note: Sierra and Piper share the same day of birth, Odin is only one day off. Ivy and Persephone share the same birth weight, and Sierra and Piper share the same length. Record holders for weight, Piper! Sierra was the smallest. Piper took the award in length as well! Persephone took the award for shortest baby. Odin was the only baby born during the morning hours, and Persephone was the closest to midnight without going over! (why did I just hear the Price is Right theme song?)

Sierra Morgan 6-12-98 9:53pm York Hospital, York Maine
7lbs 4.5 oz 20 inches long
born 3 days past her due date (6/9/98)

Ivy Keriana 7-30-03 6:03pm Southern Maine Medical Center, Biddeford Maine
8lbs 11oz 20.5 inches long
born on her due date

Piper Anastasia 1-12-06 10:37pm Mercy Hospital, Portland Maine
9lbs 1.8oz 20 3/4 inches long
born on her due date

Odin Christopher 2-11-08 8:49am crowned on I295, Mercy Hospital, Portland Maine
8lbs 10oz 20 inches long
born on his due date

Persephone Jade 10-27-09 11:48pm Mercy Hospital, Portland Maine
8lbs 11oz 19.5 inches long
induced at 39 weeks (a week before her due date of 11/3/09)

My Baby Shower. Sort Of.

I considered writing this post a few times, and even did it once having omitted names. However I feel this is my blog and my blog has my feelings. I don't link to this thing anywhere, so no one should have it or know it. If they snoop for it, oh well. Their fault.

I didn't want a baby shower, but I got one anyway. Shannon insisted I have one. I told her no one would come. She insisted they would. No one that I invited came. Only family showed up. (not my family, Chris's family) I do believe I told her that would happen.

There are a lot of things that went wrong, starting with who didn't show up.. but I held it all in. Smiled through my teeth and willed the next few hours to pass quickly. Luckily they did. The only redeeming value was that Dave got us a pack of diapers, and the cake looked pretty. It didn't taste too great, but hey.. I took pictures of it so we can remember how PRETTY it was, not how it tasted. LOL

I was given a lot of used stuff by Shannon, which would have been fine if it had been in good condition. But it smelled like cigarette smoke and mildew. Two things I just can't have my newborn stuff smelling like. I tried to wash and fabreeze things but it didn't do any good. When Tonya let me know that Shannons dog had peed all over everything, and she kept it a secret and just wrapped it all up anyway.... well, eventually I just threw it all away because it was depressing me to look at it in my living room. To give someone used things is one thing. To give them used things that your dog peed on is another. It was like a slap in the face, but hey.. who am I to ask for clean usable things? Thats above me. I'm the poor little orphan girl that no one wants, I can make due right?

So I still need to get a bassinet, but it will have to wait until after the baby is born because we don't have the money to buy it now.

After the so called baby shower, I lapsed into a bit of a funk. Of course, having it rubbed in my face basically that I don't have any family or friends by insisting I invite people I KNOW will never come to my shower... its not surprising that I got depressed. I was sad. I still am.

Though there are only 3 more days and a bowl of cheerios until we meet this little one, so its understandable why my emotions might be a bit on the surface.

More later..

Surprise Photo Shoot Part 2

This picture is cute, except I hate pictures with the flash on. Its so harsh. Perhaps I can edit it and change it with the photo editor and mute it somehow.

This is my favorite. Getting Odin to sit still and look at the camera at the same time is rare. Only natural light was used, as you can see its not really enough lighting to do the picture justice. My camera is much better than it appears in this picture. The graininess comes from the poor lighting conditions. Live and learn! Still, I love this picture. I don't have professional pictures of all the kids together, so I'm really loving this one.

Yep I made her pose alone. She hated every minute of it, but at least I have a picture of her. ;-)

The lighting in the bedroom isn't very good, and my backdrop definitely has to be secured up better. But for deciding on a whim to catch a picture of all of them, its not half bad. If anyone knows Sierra, you know how difficult it is to get her in a picture at all! So I'm really glad I decided to subject us all to the very hot bedroom and snap a few.

Next time, different room. Better lighting, better backdrop adjustments, and I'll wash the girls feet. LOL

Surprise Photo Shoot

On a whim I threw up a sheet and snapped a few pictures today. I didn't even bother to wash Pipers feet as you can see. And ya know what? I don't really care. This picture came out great!

Ivy- Four days shy of turning 6 years old.
Piper- 3.5 years old
Odin- 17 months old
(in the other picture) Sierra- 11 years and 1 month old.

This is what a good daddy looks like.

100_1326
Originally uploaded by lady_ivey

We have double the children now than we did back then.. and he's still a wonderful father.

Happy Fathers Day! and a rather large update

Oh yes, I've been worse than horrible about updating. What can I say? I have four kids. Cut me some slack.

As you can see, that is baby #5 right there on the left. We had our 20 week ultrasound a few weeks ago. Today I'm 20 weeks and 5 days along. And technically its baby #7, since I had two miscarriages in between the girls.

We decided to find out the gender this time. The result? Baby number 5 is another girl to add to our estrogen filled home! Daddy is thrilled beyond belief and I'm happy keeping Odin the only little man in my life for now. =)

All the testing came back good, and the 20 week scan looks great. My thyroid levels are off though, so I'm back on synthroid again. I was on it for Sierra and Ivy too.

My OB doesn't want me going until my due date, which is officially November 3rd 2009. Instead they want to induce me the last week of October, or sooner depending on how much I dilate. I'm alright with that, since usually after ROM I go quickly.

Lets see... Ivy graduated Kindergarten the other day. I'm so proud of her. She really has learned so much this past year. As weird as her teacher was at times, she was a good teacher for Ivy. She even returned the communication notebook to me at the end of the year. I'm impressed. Ivy retained her IEP for next year, though it was by the skin of her teeth. We advocated for her based on her below average pragmatic skills test scores, and her need for sensory breaks an other accommodations. So she'll be in the social skills group with the SLP next year in 1st grade. Her evaluation by the school psychologist was a joke. Well, reevaluation. It was 5 minutes of observation and 10 minutes of "conversation." He concluded her pragmatic language was excellent and she had no issues at all. So he was not going to diagnose her officially with Asperger's at all. ..... at the IEP meeting I called attention to the discrepancy in his report versus the speech and language pathologists report that looked at her pragmatics. She scored below average, enough to qualify her for special education for another year. And yet he said it was excellent?? He asked her questions again about things, and she gave fictional answers. But since I wasn't there, he had no reference. He took it all at face value and claimed there was nothing wrong there. I was livid to say the least. In the end though I had to back off a bit. They were willing to give me an IEP for another year and THAT was the goal of that day. I can get her a medical diagnosis on the autism spectrum another day by a real professional. LOL The schools job is to help me help her. And I believe they did. It was a successful IEP meeting, albiet my first stressful one.

Piper still has a whole year and 1/2 left before she goes to preschool. I can't believe that. She's such a big girl and SO ready. Of course she has that 3 year old attitude. LOL She also took the scissors to her hair the other day. Gone was that hard to make decision about whether I should cut off all her hair to give her bangs or not. No, she made the decision easy! Most of her hair was cut off to make it even after her barber job, and she's now sporting a very cute bob. I have to admit, she didn't do a bad job on the side she cut. And just like her mom, she hid the hair under the bed. (RIP Aunt Alice)

Sierra has run the gamut of things she's willing to do for popularity and/or friends. Her first serious "relationship" with a 13 year old boy ended badly recently. She refused to kiss him because she wasn't ready for her first kiss, and after a month of waiting he was too embarrassed that his girlfriend wouldn't kiss him that he dumped her. Now she's willing to do anything to get him back, including sacrifice her own self worth. I can't think of anything I hate more. Watching my daughter give up everything for a boy that I know is playing her. Being used. And not being able to stop it. As a parent I'm pretty powerless to these social things. Being an aspie parent I'm even more powerless because I don't get it in the first place. I find it hard to understand why she NEEDS these horrible friends that treat her like crap. Or why she MUST do things/say things when they're around. I simply do not get it.

I count my blessings that I believe her trying smoking has ceased. She tried it twice. (first time because she wanted to try it. Second time because others heard she had tried it and dared her to again.. *insert eye rolling smilie here*)

smoking.. boys... kissing....

I'm not going to like the next 7 years.
Yes, she turned 11 finally. It seems she's been stuck at 10 doing much older things for awhile now. I'll be glad when my pre-teen acting like a teen finally IS a teen. Then it will seem age appropriate at least. Ahh what a period at 9 will do to you... hormones really are the devil.

Odin my little man is not so little anymore. He's 16 months old now and just as snuggly as ever. I think everything he's doing is age appropriate and on target. (though I said that about Ivy as well and looking back... well.. I was a little bit of an idiot.)
He says "key eee" for kitty
"baww" for ball
"I did it" for I did it.
"dada" for dada
(no mama at all. *sigh*)
"up"
"yes"
"no"
"nope"
"ahh yes"
"ahh no" when thinking LOL
"step" when he wants help getting up or down the stairs or steps
"I said stop!"
"stop!"
"stop it!" (can you tell he has siblings?)

He says some variation of thank you, though I can't think of what is is right now. It sounds nothing like thank you, but he says it everytime you give him something so I'm assuming thats what it is.

He blows kisses with both hands. He gives kisses and hugs.
He pulls hair still. A LOT.
He hits faces.
He doesn't bite much. Not as much as the girls did.
He loves to play with his trucks and play outside.
He plays by himself a lot better than the girls did.

He nightweaned himself a few months ago. He takes a sippy with diluted milk to bed. (we're weaning down to water) He nurses once a day. Occasionally twice a day, but no more than that. He just doesn't want it like the girls did. Odd huh?
He hates shoes and refuses to wear anything but Robeez. He'll walk in those but everything else causes him to fall on the floor screaming and howling pitifully.
He still sleeps in my bed... and I'm unsure how to transition him to his own bed so soon..with the new baby on his heels.

He's the most snuggly baby I've ever had and I love him so much.



(Picture of the girls taken at the Old Port Festival in Portland.) I went to see Thriving Ivory perform and I enjoyed every minute of it! (I also have a video of it on YouTube.)


In conclusion... heres to you Chris! My wonderful loving husband. I'm so glad I married you. (seriously!) I'm so glad I chose you to have a family with. You're an awesome father to my oldest, even if she's not yours by blood.. and you're a great dad to our children we made together. I love you so much! Happy Fathers day darling.. and thanks for the waffles and bacon. ;-)


<3 Peace.

The Missing Children

Many of you know that my husband has three other children from a previous marriage. Some of you know the circumstances surrounding that. Some of you might not. Its a long complicated issue.

Long story short, his ex-wife wasn't the best parent she could be. The children were left in situations they never should have been left in, neglected, and abused. My husband was given the children, but their behaviors were already so severe that it was hard for him to parent them without help. The state offered help but said they needed temporary guardianship in order to do so. My husband was young and naive and truelly believed they were trying to help him. They didn't. They also didn't get the kids any help either.

Aside from a few visitations spaced far apart and eventually canceled, he didn't see his two girls Abigail (Abby or Abbie, the caseworkers spelled it both ways. I never knew which was she herself preferred it..) and Cynthia much afterwords. Visits were started and stopped. They cited his inconsistencies, but failed to help him meet those expectations. (He had a real hard time in social situations)

When I came into the picture he still had his son Duncan. That only lasted a year. Suffering from what I believe to be an attachment disorder, Duncan was hard to parent. I loved him so much, but the day in and day out was soul stealing. I was drained. We reached out for help and were again blind sighted by the department of health and human services. My husband said it would happen, but I believed differently. I was there! I wouldn't let that happen. Surely they would say what they mean and honestly help us with the situation! ... I didn't realize just how trusting I was.

Never again.

Duncan was taken just days before Thanksgiving 2003. Our daughter Ivy was an infant still, and they threatened to take her as well. They had no reasoning. We were scared anyway. I was too shocked not to be scared. They took the little boy I'd been loving for the past 2 years.

We visited him a few times in foster care, but they terminated visitations when I wouldn't let him hold Ivy. I was afraid to let him hold her. His behaviors included threatening to hurt her and me. He was violent. I didn't want to risk that. I wanted to concentrate on helping him and showing him we cared, not on my issues of trust vs safety. I brought Ivy to visitations, but didn't want him to hold her. That was enough for them to TPR him quickly. We never saw him again. A few years later we received notification that he was adopted.

Both Duncan and Cynthia have found their Forever Family now we've been told. We have no idea where they are or who they are with. We are not privy to that information any longer.

We were told that Abigail was unadoptable, and she'd age out of the system soon. Workers started calling and asking us about the family tree. They wouldn't say why. Later my sister in law Shannon said she was called to a meeting about maybe being a foster placement for Abigail. She sounded hopeful. She went to a few meetings. Chris was never asked to go to any of those meetings.

Nothing ever materialized. We were told Abigail was on the news as Thursdays Child. We watched it. I'm sure Chris cried later on when he thought no one was watching. It was hard to hear her say she just wanted family that loved her. We ARE family that loves her. We love all of them.

I was lucky that I was able to meet Abigail and visit with her a handful of times. She came to the hospital when Ivy was born and got to hold her. Visits soon stopped because she became hostile to staff at her group home because she wanted to go home to her daddy. The more visits they allowed, the worse she was. Or so we were told. So they terminated visits.

I was only able to meet Cynthia once because the state terminated visitations after just one. But she was able to meet her sister Ivy, and able to see her daddy one last time. We brought her a Care Bear for a gift. She was quiet. Nervous, but happy to see him. She was extremely good natured about meeting me for the first time and knowing she was a big sister again. The meeting was excellent, but again we were told her behaviors were worse after she saw us. So visits stopped just as soon as they started. She was adopted a few years later.

We're waiting for the day that they look for us. We'll be here, ready and willing to be a family. We always were here all along. We tried our best, and our best just wasn't enough for them. Hopefully there lives have improved and that they're happy wherever they are. At least that is my hope.

Our home will always be your home. We love you.

Some More Pictures

Here's a few more pictures I took while I was playing with the camera. Theres so much to learn about this one I'm already lost in the menu! But so far it takes awesome pictures. You know, looking back on my blog.. I really didn't do too bad with just a cellphone camera. Some of the pictures I took were really nice even. Hopefully I'll have a lot of fun learning how to use this one. =)

Yep more Christmas 2008

More Christmas 2008

Shopping at Target

Piper and Odin sure are getting big..

The Marriage Penalty Woes

I have had time to post. I just haven't. I figure the honest response is better than the typical "my life has just been SO busy lately!" The past few weeks its been getting so cold here. I suddenly realize why old people move to Florida. Something does happen to your body as it gets older. It starts to rebel against the cold winds and the impending snow storms. Its a sign I'm definatly aging. Born and raised in Maine, I no longer look forward to winter like I used to.

So what have I been up to aside from moping about the weather? First and foremost, I did cut my hair. Money became tight this month so I chopped it off myself. Its crooked and uneven and honestly looks pretty bad. Goddess willing I'll be able to have the money next week to get to the hairdresser and get it cut how I want it. I'm still going super short! (why, when I'm freezing as it is.. I'll never know.) Technically I had the money to get it done this month, but I just couldn't justify spending the money on myself. Yes, I'd rather walk around with crooked hair all month than feel guilty because I used the precious money on myself.

And precious money it is becoming!
/rant on

Social Security sent me a wonderful letter on my birthday telling me I had an appointment to come in because I neglected to tell them I had gotten married... over two years ago. Umm... no. I went in two weeks after I got married and let them know. I changed my name and updated my social security number. The whole thing. I called them and they pretty much called me a liar. I explained that they sent me a letter telling me that my husbands benefits would be cut in half because of the marriage penalty, and we awaited the change but it never happened. Again the woman didn't believe me. Lo and behold, the amazing woman that I am.. I was actually able to find the piece of paper they sent me two years ago. And I found it while I was still on the phone with them! I read it to her, and she said, "Oh.. umm... bring it in to us please." Ya.. I thought so. Their mistake. Apparently they had forgotten to merge my husbands and my accounts together so they never actually cut his check. I haven't heard anything official yet, but I'm willing to bet money that they'll cut it come November.

After two years of living with the money we had, we'll be forced to give a few things up. Now realize, we don't have a whole lot. So this feels pretty darn unfair. Nothing has changed. We've lived together for almost five years. The only thing that changed was a piece of paper and suddenly we're expected to be able to live on almost $4oo.00 less a month than we currently are. There goes the tv. I'm damn lucky the car just got paid off. (the old crappy 97 Pontiac I have) and who knows what else will go since there isn't much else we have thats "luxury." No, in fact.. there are only two other things.. my internet connection (forget it jackasses.. I'm NOT giving it up) and my subscription to World of Warcraft. (Yes, I'm an MMO nerd. Deal with it.) Thats all I have. No magazines, no gym memberships, no dinners out every week, no cable tv. Hell, I've even got a crappy self haircut to save money. So yes, I'm a bit miffed about this "penalty." I don't think it makes any sense and I don't see why they penalize for a piece of paper when it changed nothing. No other program penalizes for marraige, in fact.. others give back for marriage. Thats the US government for ya.. Oh! You're poor? Well then, we'll have to penalize you for things that we don't rich people. Its only fair after all..

Meh..
/rant off

Halloween festivities have been happening this week. I was able to take the girls and the neighbor kids to the Halloween party at the community center. They had a great time, and Ivy even won a special bag of prizes because her costume was "so wonderfully cute" the woman said.

Other than hunkering down from the cold, and doing Halloween things.. not too much has been happening. Personally I'm in a bit of a lull with this weather. Not run down tired feeling, but a bit apathetic. I'm trying to keep connected with the kids and not space out my entire days. I make sure to squeeze in enough ooomph to paint or do play doh with them. Some nights I just hit refresh on my Gmail account and stare. Hows that for pathetic confessions from cyberspace?

Myspace has been a fun place to read. I'm not sure why I go there, except maybe a faint tiny hope of changing some of those parents minds about how they treat their kids. I'm pushy. I try hard not to be rude, but after sitting through post after post about how people just "lock the door and turn off the monitor so I don't hear him scream. Yay! Now I can sleep at night!"... and "When my daughter is bad, I spank her butt. Its not going to hurt her. She's 6 months old and knows how to make me mad."... Sometimes there are no words to say. No polite ones to find. All I can muster on those nights is, "I'm sorry for your children."

Yes, I'm a rude bitch. I'm a "breastfeeding Nazi" and a "tree hugging hippie." I will not apologize for how I raise my children or how many mistakes I see parents make. And yes, beating your kids and leaving a 3 month old baby to scream all night alone.. ARE mistakes. Sadly they are not being made because the mothers are ignorant. No, they are very informed and just choose to take the "easy" route. They choose to be neglectful and abusive. And boy are they mad at anyone who suggests they are! I haven't come to the conclusion of whether I should just drop the nice route and straight up say it how it is.. or keep on trying to be nice and polite even when I don't feel like it. History shows I'll probably keep taking the higher road, but oh.. it would feel sooo nice to be like them for once.