Friday, December 24, 2004

The healing begins...

I've been trying to distract myself from a lot of what I've been feeling lately. So, if you read any really odd posts from me lately about things totally off the wall.. you'll understand why. During my down moments I've been surfing the web looking for interesting websites with a certain quality to "distract." I've also been playing EQ2 more than usual, but without the enthusiasm I usually have. Right now, it's just to keep my mind off things.

I had the D&C on Wednesday the 22nd. It's over. Oddly enough, the experience at the hospital was wonderful. Had it been for any other reason, it would have been almost like going to a spa. It was relaxing and peaceful. I really wish I had the option of going completly under before. It would have been more tolerable. I didn't even get a bruise from the IV line. And they even used Lidocaine before putting it in. I really am amazed at how different the two experiences I've had are. Two very different hospitals. One common "procedure."

Of course they asked me why I was there, and I had to say for a D&C because of a miscarraige. Then they asked, "have you had a miscarraige in the last 2 months." I said, "except for the one I'm having now, no" "Oh, you're having one now? What do you mean?" "Thats why I'm here! For a D&C!" "But you said you were having a miscarraige." "Yes I am. The baby is dead!" silence.... "Oh."

I think classes in how to handle grieving mothers is essential. Or at least a class in common sense and tactfulness. Overall I can't complain too much. The nurses were very nice and the doctors were.. doctors. But the paperwork and the questions... ya, they sucked. And some were just unnessasary. Had this been my first miscarraige.. I would have been very upset at what they said. But, given that I'm almost used to this now... it hurt less. Angered me more than anything. That people can be so cruel because of stupidity.

Did I mention that I did all of this on my own? Yup! Afraid of hospitals little me, went in all by myself..and had the surgery by myself. Waited in the waiting rooms by myself. And was in recovery all by myself. I guess you could say I'm a little bit proud. If anything good came out of all this, it was that I was able to overcome a lifelong fear for at least a few hours. My husband wanted to be with me, he really did. But because he had to stay home with my daughter he couldn't do anything more than drop me off and then pick me up. Course the nurses had to comment on that too. "Oh my! All by yourself? Aww.." The pity thing again. lol

Well, for the wonderful tmi stuff.. I'm bleeding, but not bad at all. In fact, it seems that it might almost be over at times. Cramping isn't bad either. In fact, its only started doing it a little bit today. Nothing that Advil can't take care of.

My ex husband is angry because I couldn't take my daughter to her gymnastics lessons next week. He just cant understand why. I tried telling him I just couldn't do it, and finally explained, "I have just had surgery. I cannot stand up holding my toddler for 3 hours right now. Sorry. I just can't." It made him shut up, but I still can't understand why he has to be such an ass sometimes. I mean, I don't ask him for every private detail in his life. And this is supposed to be my time with my daughter. Why do I have to drive her all over the place to these things that I didn't even enroll her in? She's in gymnastics for 3 hours, 4 days a week! She's 6 years old! I don't agree with it for my child, and I don't like doing it. The whole bleeding, feeling like crap thing is just additional.

Well, I wish I could say that I'm signing off now to go do the Santa thing.. but we won't be celebrating anything until next week when my oldest comes back. I haven't even gotten a chance to do anything for Yule aside from light a few candles here and there, which I do every chance I can anyway. I'm hoping to include her in the ritual this year.

For all of you out there who will be munching on cookies and milk left by your kids, have a great night and take a bite for me. I could sure use some chocolate right about now...

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