It was really late last night when I got an IM from the midwife. Apparently she was bragging about me to some of her midwife friends and one of them asked to borrow her " internet doula." I guess she had a really young client that could benefit from some support. I told her if she wanted to pass my contact info out she could.
Turns out the girl was in labor right then and they wanted me to help her.
I wanted to. Goddess knows I did. It was almost 3am, the baby was crying, I was still exhausted, and there was no way my husband was feeling well enough to deal with the baby at that hour on his own. To add to the chaos, the DSL kept going out because of the storm we were having.
So I told her I couldn't do it. She assured me it was okay, and that life happens.
Never before have I felt that guilty for not being able to help someone else. I wanted to be able to help that girl have a better birth experience than she most likely got. I'm still not sure I made the right choice a day later. The problem with this is, there's simply not enough of me to go around.
I love this job. Don't get me wrong. It's just been so many years since I've had a job where I'm not just "Mama." I've been having trouble keeping up with the housework, because I've been so tired. Part of the issue I think is that I'm on call instead of having a 9-5 job. And lately there has been no warning whatsoever. The other day I got up, didn't even have a chance to get dressed and *BUZZ!* When it was all over it was just about time to go to bed again. I didn't even have a moment to get something to eat the whole day.
So obviously I need to get some things organized. I need to eat. I need to shower. I need to pee occasionally. Lately there hasn't been a time where I'm noton call. That's also hard to deal with. Its been 3 babies this week alone! Thats a lot of time spent in front of the computer committed to helping. The women though... they are so grateful! I would never willingly just give this up. Its too special and too important. I've just got to prioritize and streamline. That's all. I can do this. I want to make a difference in other peoples lives.
Tell me I don't sound like a cheap self-help book? Please? lol