Monday, October 31, 2005

Blessed Samhain!

I've been dealing with a lot of issues surrounding friends lately, as you could probably tell by a few of my entries. Yesterday I had finally come to a place where I was accepting that a current friendship I had was over. I've never been one to let go easily when its something emotional. I decided though that Samhain was a good time to let go of the old and mourn the death of the friendship I once had. One of the reasons I changed my blog address was because I needed to write about all of this. I needed to process it and try to figure out where things went wrong. Unfortunately this friend was the only person in my real life world that knew where my blog was. I trusted her that much, and only her. So without a place to talk about it I was going crazy. The only way I could remedy that was to move my blog and start semi-fresh.

Here is a rundown of the facts:
1. I had a best friend and we talked every day.
2. She started to not talk to me as much and I missed her. I wrote about it in my blog and she responded, but nothing seemed to change.
3. I saw that she was spending a lot of time with another friend of hers and was feeling even more left out. I just missed her and wondered what had happened to our close friendship.
4. I didn't think that she wanted to remain friends with me anymore and I was confused as to what I had done to make her dislike me.
5. My friend J. started talking to me 4 days ago asking about what was up between my friend and I and why we were not as close. I cried to her saying I didn't know.
6. J. went to my friend and told her that I hated her and that I was jealous of her other friend. She said a lot of other mean things that I *never* once even thought. She consoled me when I cried telling me I didn't need my friend. She consoled my friend telling her she didn't need me.
7. My friend thought that I hated her, so she posted a huge "Dear John" letter on her live journal that all our friends could see. It didn't say many good things about me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and sent her an IM message saying that there were other ways she could have talked to me about this.

After many weeks of near silence, my friend and I talked. We talked on the phone until 5am. I lost a full nights sleep (as did my daughter who decided to wake up halfway through my phone call and pretend it was time for morning). Within the first few minutes of talking we had realized what happened. We had a mutual friend named J. that had been running between the both of us telling us things about the other one. J. really played my friend badly. I wasn't as hurt in the whole thing because I was already convinced my friend didn't want to be friends anymore. I was simply trying to understand and move on.

Now J. is pissed. She's been IMing and calling me all day leaving messages. Eventually they will start to get more and more cruel. Did I call this person a friend before? I didn't mean that. She is more like someone that I tried to be friends with, but found out I just couldn't deal with how she we're, sorta friends. But I will never trust her again, so technically.. not really friends. (confused?)

My friend and I are completely fine now. There was never any jealousy. Never any hatred. Only confusion and sadness at a friendship we both thought was over because we both thought that the other hated us.

Its been a long day, but I'm glad that this friendship isn't over. Its been an even harder few months with this looming on the horizon. I feel bad that J. has to cause drama like this, and even more puzzling is why? Some have called her a psychic vamp. Feeding off the misfortune and negative emotions of others in the chaos she causes. I don't want to believe that.. but I'm left with no choice anymore. She has done this to too many different people, and too many times.

I wish everyone a very Blessed Samhain and hope that no matter what skeletons you have in your closet, or what demons you're facing.. that you'll be able to greet the light in the morning with a renewed spirit. Light a candle and think about those who have passed before you and those aspects of yourself that you wish to cast away. The nights are getting darker and colder as the winter season closes in. Embrace that darkness. And give your closest friends a call, or a hug and let them know you care.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Yup..pretty much

You fit in with:

Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.

60% spiritual.
80% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at

Monday, October 24, 2005

Attention pretty please

I'll be changing my blog address soon, so please send me an email at xxxxxxx if you'd like the new address. I don't want to ditch any of my loyal readers, just shake a few others loose. ;-) Thanks!

Friday, October 21, 2005


Not much has been happening the past few weeks. I haven't gone to any rituals lately, or any get togethers. Just been keeping my doctor appointments and staying home. A few times I went over to Shannons to work on a cloak for Sierra. Its coming out pretty good I think. We have a really neat idea to make the inside a patchwork collection instead of a solid liner. It started out because we were really short on fabric, but I think it'll make a really neat cloak for her. Hopefully it will fit her for at least a year or two because we made it in a larger (read: longer) size. The outside of it is a fushia color. I think she'll really like it. Now! We have to finish it before Samhain like we planned. Shannon broke her ankle the other day, so now she'll be housebound and be forced to finish it. My evil plan worked! Muwahahahaha! No, I didn't really make her break it. She tripped on the porch because she was in a hurry and being clutzy. ;-)

My chiropractor finally got me a support belt today. I can't say its helping, but I'm trying to give it a few days before the wrath of my judgement sets in. So far its uncomfortable as all hell, and really isn't helping with my pain.

My OB cancelled my last appointment which was supposed to be my glucose check. Its been rescheduled for next week so I can hopefully get that one out of the way. Then its back to the doctor every 2 weeks! I can't believe that there is only 10 more weeks or so until this baby is born. It seems like just a few days ago that I was dancing around the Maypole with the suspicion that I might be pregnant.

A few unexpected bills made this month really tight, so I don't foresee us going anywhere until November. We'll be going trick or treating with the girls (or maybe just one of them depending on scheduling) but I think thats it. I haven't heard if the Haunted House that is usually in town will be here or not, so that might not happen. There is a pumpkin festival in town that we might head to because its free and close by. Hopefully that will be enough to get everyone their Samhain fix for the year. Sierra is planning on dressing up as a witch again (with her new cloak maybe!) and Ivy will be Tigger. I had bought her a witch costume too, but with the chilly weather decided to return it and just use the Tigger costume from when Sierra was little. It fits her well and looks really cute.

I think we've just about gotten everything we need for Piper now. A few people came through with lots of 0-3 month size clothes, and I even got a cute little pair of Robeez for her. Initially I really wanted to cloth diaper this time around, and I do still plan on trying it... but I'm not sure with everything else I do around here by myself, if it is really reasonable to think I can handle doing that too. I mean, if I got housework help.. sure. But I'll be tandem nursing two children, handling all the housework, cooking, etc... I'm not sure if I'll have it in me to CD at the same time. Either way, I have some prefolds to try with.. and I'll have 'sposies that I can use as well. Ya gotta start somewhere right? The only thing I need to get now is a new carseat with a 5 point restraint, and a double stroller. I'd love to get a girly style this time instead of the typical navy blue I got with the girls. (don't ask me why we got navy blue) Britax makes a really awesome one that is yellow with pink flowers that I want to get her too. We'll have to wait until we get some more money saved up though as they're pretty expensive. For now I'll have to settle for a typical baby bucket carseat. I'll need a bunting of some sort as well, and they have one at Walmart that I'll probably pick up. A cute pink fleece Pooh one that just has the hole for the carseat strap there and no legs. Meant for an infant.

I guess thats about it. As you can see, not too much to update about. I've been feeling pretty secluded and friendless lately. Shannon has come over a few times to cheer me up as it seems she's feeling the same way. So much going on for her and yet none of her friends call her either. I guess its impossible to have friends if you A. dont have a car or B. don't have enough gas money to travel all the time. Seems to be why I lose mine so much! Oh well. Distance shouldn't matter with real friends anyway the way I see it.

Yup, this quiz pretty much fits I think.

You were betrayed. You were betrayed by someone
very close to you in a past life and you have
still never forgotten it. Either you were
killed by a best friend or ratted out by one,
but it still hurt you very deeply and you don't
trust hardly anyone anymore.

How did you die in your past life? (for everyone)
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Deja Vu

I've been feeling a bit depressed lately. Usually when I feel that way I'm not sure why, but this time I do. I'm feeling a major lack of connection from my friends. I'm quite sure that I haven't done anything to make a gap, but its there anyway. Oddly enough, when I was pregnant with Ivy the same thing happened. The further along I got, the more my friends seemed to find other things to do. I know its only natural to look inward more when you come closer to giving birth, but why should that mean that your friends turn away? Or maybe it doesn't happen to others, but only me?

I'm not really sure what to think anymore. Yes, I know its possible I'm just hormonal and sensitive, but.. I've been left out of the loop again. Email lists talk about things and I have no idea what they're referencing, almost feeling like the unpopular girl left out in high school again. Dinner parties and get togethers get talked about among everyone, yet I wasn't invited again. And really, its not that I haven't had an invitation to visit anyone in awhile...but more that no one is talking to me. No phone calls or IM's for quite awhile. And all this, just when I thought I had finally found a few solid friends. Its been weeks since anyone has really contacted me. I try, but it seems they are either always busy.. or just don't have time for me. Either way, it hurts and I've been increasingly getting more depressed about it as time goes on. I shouldn't let it bother me I guess. Its happened before. Friends come and go, and sooner or later I always end up feeling replaced by someone else. I just wish I knew why.

Instinct tells me that its something I'm doing wrong, yet I can't seem to think of anything. I try to be there as a friend. I try my hardest to be available and be kind. I guess I've just never had much luck being friends with other women, because no matter how promising friendships seem... they always peter out and I'm left with nothing again.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Pagan Pride Day

My girls dancing to the music from the drumming circle at Pagan Pride Day. All the kids got handmade magic wands to take home after the Harry Potter dress up contest. My girls didn't participate in the contest, but they were right there to snatch up the extra wands afterwards!

This years Pagan Pride Day went much better than last years, but hopefully I'd like to see them use more outdoor space. See all that grass behind the girls? It could have been used for venders, or rituals, or anything! Yet it was mostly just used for people to sit their butts on. (not that I'm complaining, I love to sit on grass!) The venders and almost all of the people hosting events were inside the building and it was pretty cramped. I opted not to go to a few of them because I wouldn't have been able to fit the stroller in there!

All in all, we had a good time. Even if my hormonal pregnant self had a few minor breakdowns during the day. The girls obviously had a great time once the drumming started up! We were all pretty tired, so we decided to leave a bit early. We missed the final ritual, but I heard it went off well.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Oh Really?

Friday I picked up Sierra from her gymnastics class as usual. I was waiting for her to put on her shoes (ever so slowly) when one of the women who works there came up to me and started talking.

"I know you're not Sierra's mother but.."

I raised my eyebrow at her and said, "Excuse me? I most certainly am her mother. The other woman you see is her step-mother. I am her mother." It was obvious she was confused. She blinked several times with her mouth open and mumbled, "but.." Then the backpaddling began.

"Of course you are! I mean, just look at you! You both look so much alike! I can't believe I made such a faux pas! Oh, um... I don't believe we've met. I'm ___" I shook her hand. "And I'm Sierra's mother."

"Well Sierra, why don't you show your mother where your papers are, and.."
"She already knows where they are! She's been here before." Sierra says.

"Oh, well.. do you get to see Sierra much? Because she's so great at gymnastics. She's kind to the other girls and cheers them on without anyone telling her to. I think thats just great! Do you get to see her do her routines often?"

Sierra rolled her eyes and said, "I do them all the time at my mothers house in the living room. Of course I see my mother."

Finally the woman walked away. Never have I been so uncomfortable in my life. No, I take that back. I'm always uncomfortable there. I'm surrounded by PTA going, soccer moms and I just don't fit in with that. Its not me. Whenever I pick her up at school the same type of women are there. The competing type. <shudder> I can think of nothing I hate more than being around those types of people.

Okay, only one thing is worse... being around those types of people, feeling out of place, and then being told I'm not my daughters mother.

Later I was angry about it. I decided that my ex husband must have written his wifes name down in the "mother" line when they signed her up for gymnastics. He did that with the school before. Completly left me off the paperwork whatsoever and put his new wifes name as her mother. Not cool. I talked to him about it then, and fixed the paperwork myself.

This time, since it was happening again.. I was not going to be happy. Instead he told me that the paperwork was filled out correctly this time and that he thought I was right. It was disrespectful to not put my name, or at least put her name on the wrong line. At least acknowledge I'm her mother ya know? I explained what happened at gymnastics and I guess the woman that was rude is usually a bit "off" to everyone. He apologised and assured me that everyone else there is fully aware that I'm her mother. The conversation went a lot better than I expected it would. Of course, being the pessemistic woman that I am, I'm already waiting for the other shoe to drop now.

I also did find out that I didn't get an invitation to Sierra's open house at school. Then I remember, I'm not her mother.. so why should I be invited? <grrr...grumble...>

Divorce makes such a mess out of things sometimes.