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Monday, October 31, 2005

Blessed Samhain!

I've been dealing with a lot of issues surrounding friends lately, as you could probably tell by a few of my entries. Yesterday I had finally come to a place where I was accepting that a current friendship I had was over. I've never been one to let go easily when its something emotional. I decided though that Samhain was a good time to let go of the old and mourn the death of the friendship I once had. One of the reasons I changed my blog address was because I needed to write about all of this. I needed to process it and try to figure out where things went wrong. Unfortunately this friend was the only person in my real life world that knew where my blog was. I trusted her that much, and only her. So without a place to talk about it I was going crazy. The only way I could remedy that was to move my blog and start semi-fresh.

Here is a rundown of the facts:
1. I had a best friend and we talked every day.
2. She started to not talk to me as much and I missed her. I wrote about it in my blog and she responded, but nothing seemed to change.
3. I saw that she was spending a lot of time with another friend of hers and was feeling even more left out. I just missed her and wondered what had happened to our close friendship.
4. I didn't think that she wanted to remain friends with me anymore and I was confused as to what I had done to make her dislike me.
5. My friend J. started talking to me 4 days ago asking about what was up between my friend and I and why we were not as close. I cried to her saying I didn't know.
6. J. went to my friend and told her that I hated her and that I was jealous of her other friend. She said a lot of other mean things that I *never* once even thought. She consoled me when I cried telling me I didn't need my friend. She consoled my friend telling her she didn't need me.
7. My friend thought that I hated her, so she posted a huge "Dear John" letter on her live journal that all our friends could see. It didn't say many good things about me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and sent her an IM message saying that there were other ways she could have talked to me about this.

After many weeks of near silence, my friend and I talked. We talked on the phone until 5am. I lost a full nights sleep (as did my daughter who decided to wake up halfway through my phone call and pretend it was time for morning). Within the first few minutes of talking we had realized what happened. We had a mutual friend named J. that had been running between the both of us telling us things about the other one. J. really played my friend badly. I wasn't as hurt in the whole thing because I was already convinced my friend didn't want to be friends anymore. I was simply trying to understand and move on.

Now J. is pissed. She's been IMing and calling me all day leaving messages. Eventually they will start to get more and more cruel. Did I call this person a friend before? I didn't mean that. She is more like someone that I tried to be friends with, but found out I just couldn't deal with how she was...so we're, sorta friends. But I will never trust her again, so technically.. not really friends. (confused?)

My friend and I are completely fine now. There was never any jealousy. Never any hatred. Only confusion and sadness at a friendship we both thought was over because we both thought that the other hated us.

Its been a long day, but I'm glad that this friendship isn't over. Its been an even harder few months with this looming on the horizon. I feel bad that J. has to cause drama like this, and even more puzzling is why? Some have called her a psychic vamp. Feeding off the misfortune and negative emotions of others in the chaos she causes. I don't want to believe that.. but I'm left with no choice anymore. She has done this to too many different people, and too many times.

I wish everyone a very Blessed Samhain and hope that no matter what skeletons you have in your closet, or what demons you're facing.. that you'll be able to greet the light in the morning with a renewed spirit. Light a candle and think about those who have passed before you and those aspects of yourself that you wish to cast away. The nights are getting darker and colder as the winter season closes in. Embrace that darkness. And give your closest friends a call, or a hug and let them know you care.

3 comments:

  1. Happy Samhuinn to you too!

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  2. I've had a few friendships like this too, where there's been bad feeling but no explanaition for it. I'm glad you've sorted your problems though =) One lady who was my one best friend in the world (who I've known for around 6 or 7 years), we've been drifting apart for the last couple of years (lives taking different directions etc) but she came on a night out with friends for my birthday at the weekend, and had a great catch up. So maybe that's all you need - get all your old friends together for a nice night out =) Oh and is Samhain the same idea as Hallowe'en?

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  3. I've had old friends drift away because of changes as well. I got married and one didn't. I had children and another didn't. Each thing pulls you a little further away from each others world.

    Yes! Samhain is like Halloween, just celebrated for much deeper reasons that just candy and dressing up. (though we do that too because its fun! ;-)

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