Friday, October 23, 2009

My Baby Shower. Sort Of.

I considered writing this post a few times, and even did it once having omitted names. However I feel this is my blog and my blog has my feelings. I don't link to this thing anywhere, so no one should have it or know it. If they snoop for it, oh well. Their fault.

I didn't want a baby shower, but I got one anyway. Shannon insisted I have one. I told her no one would come. She insisted they would. No one that I invited came. Only family showed up. (not my family, Chris's family) I do believe I told her that would happen.

There are a lot of things that went wrong, starting with who didn't show up.. but I held it all in. Smiled through my teeth and willed the next few hours to pass quickly. Luckily they did. The only redeeming value was that Dave got us a pack of diapers, and the cake looked pretty. It didn't taste too great, but hey.. I took pictures of it so we can remember how PRETTY it was, not how it tasted. LOL

I was given a lot of used stuff by Shannon, which would have been fine if it had been in good condition. But it smelled like cigarette smoke and mildew. Two things I just can't have my newborn stuff smelling like. I tried to wash and fabreeze things but it didn't do any good. When Tonya let me know that Shannons dog had peed all over everything, and she kept it a secret and just wrapped it all up anyway.... well, eventually I just threw it all away because it was depressing me to look at it in my living room. To give someone used things is one thing. To give them used things that your dog peed on is another. It was like a slap in the face, but hey.. who am I to ask for clean usable things? Thats above me. I'm the poor little orphan girl that no one wants, I can make due right?

So I still need to get a bassinet, but it will have to wait until after the baby is born because we don't have the money to buy it now.

After the so called baby shower, I lapsed into a bit of a funk. Of course, having it rubbed in my face basically that I don't have any family or friends by insisting I invite people I KNOW will never come to my shower... its not surprising that I got depressed. I was sad. I still am.

Though there are only 3 more days and a bowl of cheerios until we meet this little one, so its understandable why my emotions might be a bit on the surface.

More later..

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Its October..

Time really flies doesn't it? I know I haven't updated, and I'm trying really hard to feel guilty about that but I just can't muster it up. I blog when I can yanno? Some of us have a life. And four kids to parent on top of it! (really thats my only life, who am I kidding? LOL)

So we'll be meeting baby #5 in three weeks. I'll be induced sometime around the 27th I believe. They don't want me laboring on my own since it takes about 5 minutes. Apparently they were not impressed with my last baby being practically born on 295. Honestly I thought it was pretty cool.

So we found out it was a girl. Not sure if I mentioned it last time or not. Her name will be Persephone Jade. I think Persephone is a wonderful addition.

Sierra Morgan, Ivy Keriana, Piper Anastasia, Odin Christopher, and Persephone Jade. Beautiful names. My only hope is that my children turn out to be just as beautiful on the inside when they're adults as their names are right now.

Its odd going back and reading this blog. Its been five years since I started it. Five years is a long time for anything, but especially long for raising kids. So many changes. So many things are different now. I mean, I have nearly 3 more children than I did then. Sierra is back and living with me and has been for two years now. We've moved. We've gotten married. .... so many changes that its mindboggling really.

And now I'm looking at another change. Adding our 5th and quite possibly last child to our family. This baby wasn't planned. Not unwanted, but not planned. And feelings are so different with a surprise pregnancy I've found. I haven't felt emotionally the same feelings as I did the others. A lot of ambivalence this time around. A lot of confusion. I want to be happy. I really do! And I am. But I think this pregnancy just came so close to Odins birth that I have the BTDT feeling. Nothing is new or exciting. And it should be. Every child should be special even before they're born. I feel like I'm already not treating her right. Guilt comes in big doses when you're a mother...

I washed the infant clothes yesterday and folded them. I'm trying to get into the mood. Less than a month from now I'll be pushing her our, so I'd better comes to terms with this addition. The kids are more used to the idea of having another baby than I am!

Chris has been great. He really has. The other pregnancies he wasn't there for me much, but this time... I owe a lot to Ritalin. No really. LOL Since he started taking it, he's been a new person. He's helpful and does everything around the house. Hell he does more than I do! (I tell him he's got 7 years to make it up to me LOL)

I have a lot of pictures to add. Hopefully I'll get to in the next few days. If not.. just remember... I've got a life yo.