Friday, February 26, 2010


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Persephones Smile

This is the best smile I've ever caught on camera. You can even see both her dimples! I think this picture was taken when she was around 2 1/2 months old. Such a happy little baby she is. :) I can hardly believe that she's almost 4 months old. Where has the time gone..
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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

PS3 Fixed!

I'm so happy! I've been missing playing Rockband for months now. My fingers have been itching for something to do. The concentration it takes to play guitar, and sorta zone out at the same time. And the best part? It got fixed for free! Thats right. The money in my pocket is now money without a goal. I love that! I guess one of our neighbors was at the bus stop with Chris this morning and said he fixes them as a side job, and told Chris to bring it on over. So he did and he fixed it in minutes! The solder had come off the motherboard and he just put it back on. Rockband here I come!!

Monday, February 08, 2010

Sorry, Wrong Box

Rejection and lonliness are overwhelming feelings. For as long as I can remember, I've never quite meant to others, what they've meant to me. Its hard to put into words, but its as if my entire being is a misunderstanding. Every time I find out a friendship isn't as important to the other person, or that it means too much but not in the right way, I'm confused yet again. Dave is in love with me, but now he's not. Roy is dying of cancer, yet rejects my offer to visit. Every time I thought I was in a category it turns out I'm not. Dave was family to me. Yet was secretly in love with me. You cannot unring a bell. I'll never feel the same way about him again. Its ruined. Roy means so much to me. But that chapter of his life is closed.

I feel as if everyone says, "I will love you how I want to love you." and nothing is ever mutual. I'm trying to balance so much and in the end I feel awkward and uneasy. I feel rejected and lonely. I try to stay on top of the depression, but my brain starts to think back and find every instance in my past where this has happened before. Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? Why am I always either being loved too much past the boundary line, or cast aside like a used tissue? Is this how friendship and family is supposed to feel?

It sucks to be honest. Everyone is finally feeling better in the house, and I can't get over this cloud of sadness. My jaw is stuck closed, so I've been on a liquid/soft food diet for weeks. I've lost a bit of weight because of it too. Thats the good part.  The bad part is the pain and stiffness and tension that I have on my face and head all the time. Pain medication and muscle relaxants are all that help me. I have appointments at UNE, I guess they have a TMJ center. I was scheduled for last week but I had strep throat and was completely out of commission. Now that I've had some antibiotics in me I'm feeling much better. The jaw however is not.

I should post this entry before something comes up and it never gets added. I have 5 or so already that are still drafts that won't ever be completed. I had to vent about my feelings today I guess. I feel worthless and lost. So many feelings discarded, switched. I feel manipulated and used. I dunno.. maybe I don't even have a reason to feel that way. All I know is, whenever I get comfortable with people and start to trust them.. they let me down. Whenever I think I'm putting people in the right catagories, at the worst possible moment they say, "Sorry, you put me in the wrong box." No I didn't. I put you where you were supposed to be. Why are you trying to change boxes? Why isn't anyone ever satisfied with what they have?