Saturday, May 01, 2010

What 5am looks like

This is 5am outside my back sliding glass door. Willow trees always look their prettiest when they aren't on your property, trust me. This thing sheds like a beast! No amount of rakes or brooms can keep our back yard clean and leaf free. But the birds, they love this tree. And I have to admit. It is pretty.

So we were supposed to be going to Beltane tomorrow to celebrate with our like minded Pagan friends. However I just don't think any of us feel up to the few hour drive to the beach. Then I'd have to chase the kids while we're there. Ugh. The way Ivy has been acting lately I don't think I want to chance it. I'm hoping a firm diagnosis can happen soon for her. We're really struggling at home with her behavior, and I know the school is too. Except for when her friend Z isn't there. Z has been out sick this past week, and lo and behold.. Ivy has had a solid 5 days of nearly 20 stars every day. Now I know I talked about this before, but I just can't get over what a drastic change that is.
So I asked her, "Ivy, when Z isn't at school who did you play with instead?" And then the most heartbreaking answer ever, "No one."
I stopped what I was doing and looked at her. "No one? What about recess? What did you do?"
"I played by myself." she answered.
"Every day? Why?"
"Without Z I don't know what to do, so I be by myself."

I'm really torn between being excited about her behavior at school, to being sad that the reason her behavior is so good is obviously because she's withdrawn and displaced feeling because Z isn't there. I remember that feeling...  it was the reason I never went without a boyfriend, EVER. One replaced another. No, I wasn't a whore. I simply couldn't function alone. I needed someone to help me put on a brave face and go out into the world to do what I had to do. At the time that was only math class, lunch and passing time.. but it was still nearly unbearable when I was alone. I remember what happened when my boyfriend graduated a year before I did. I had no friends. No direction. I couldn't even get to my classes because I didn't remember where they were. I had nothing to do but stare at the floor. I felt so out of place.

And here Chris and I were celebrating Ivy's accomplishment of nearly a week of awesome behavior. But does the end really justify the means? And her bus behavior I  might add, totally stinks. Kicked off the bus twice in one week doesn't seem that awesome.

Parenting a child with special needs isn't easy, especially when you have issues yourself! To any parent out there with any kind of disability at all, be it physical, or mental. Visible or hidden. You have my support. Its not an easy road.

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