Saturday, December 31, 2011

Goodbye 2011, Bring it on 2012!

I've written and re-written this post several times today and I finally have realized that celebrating the new year and reflecting on it is something that I don't do very well.

I want to show appreciation for the things we have, the things we have been able to do and all the ups and downs in life, but when I'm put on the spot I can't do it. Perhaps maybe it has something to do with my memory and my inability to recall things the way others do. So while you're reading my next tangent, keep in mind I suck at writing and reflecting.

I know that this year was better than the one before it, but not by much. It wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be, but nothing ever truly is. My expectations are always so high that even I fall short most of the time. But just like soft teeth, color blindness, hyper flexibility and autism, my high expectations are deeply rooted and not easily changed. Its who I am.

Autism itself has changed a lot of things in my family this past year. Some of them have been surprising changes. Like the communication between my oldest daughter and I. Knowing now that having Asperger's is the reason we're different than other people, and one of the biggest reasons we are so much alike has been a blessing to us. Instead of feeling alone, we both have taken to texting each other when we have a need to be understood. Sometimes our conversations are lighthearted and fun, and other times we end up discussing some really deep things. Some of my happiest moments as a mom have come from these conversations. When your child says something to you, and you can hear yourself in what they say.. (and its something good..) the proud realization that you have shaped a human being is felt. This year was filled with so many of those moments that I can only guess it means she's growing up..

This year was one of forgiveness and moving on in my life. I won't say that the moving on part has been completely finished, but I'm trying my best to wake up each day with a smile. If there would be any resolution to keep, or attempt in this new year it would be to live more for myself and to choose happiness over sadness. It seems simple enough but its really difficult for me.

What makes me happy? This.
I get caught up in the every day stress of who is watching the kids, who is cleaning the house, doing dishes, cat boxes and laundry, appointments.. and to be honest, the answer is almost always "me."  I've been stuck in a battle against my husband and I'm guessing this battle won't ever be won fairly enough to make it worthwhile. So I'm going to try to resolve that those jobs are simply mine. It isn't fair. I don't think it ever will be. So instead of fighting and trying to make it fair, I need to figure out a system that makes me the happiest. Because this is my life too.

I don't have all the answers. I only know that I love my children with and without autism, and that I love my husband with and without his issues. I don't want to leave him because I have dishes to do. I don't want to feel unappreciated and walked on either. I want happiness. And being totally honest with myself.. I want control while simultaneously wanting someone else to take control. Someone else that is capable of it. And that someone else doesn't exist. So like it or not, its on my shoulders. How can I be happy with it?

How can I make each day a happy day no matter what? Is it possible to become happy even if our marriage isn't "fair"? With so many naysayers telling me that divorce is the only option, I've shut people out of my life even more than usual and I want to change that as well.

I want 2012 to be a year of honesty and happiness from the inside out. I may not be able to change the things that other people do and say, but I can change my outlook. At least I hope I can anyway.

Are you in control over your own happiness? Does it come naturally to you or did you have to work at it?

While I try to cheer myself up from having a horrible day with the kiddos (Ivy's hyperactivity is driving me crazy to be honest.. I'm considering medication.) we'll be eating overpriced Chinese food soon and celebrating the end of 2011 and welcoming in 2012 by watching the ball drop. (its so boring to me but.. its tradition) I hope your family is as blessed as mine and you're able to find happiness every day no matter how small.

I also hope that I'm able to take my own advice at least once in awhile. ;)

Happy New Year folks. <3

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