Yup! A week late! But it did finally come!
My ex didn't even remember to call me and tell me what day Sierra was coming over. Lucky that I don't have much to do huh? She came last night, and we did the whole "Santa" thing. (he comes later if you email him you know ;-)
This morning, functioning on about 2 hours of sleep we all attempted to be awake enough to watch the kids open presents. And what happens, we find out that the battery in the digital camera has died already! Before we'd taken any pictures! So here we are with not a penny to our name basically, and no batteries. Yes I know.. always keep a spare, and we do! Except that last time it ran out, we used the spare. And uh, never replaced it. So at 8am Andrew (my cousin)and my husband had to go out to Wally world to get another battery. We used the Wally world card that my grandfather had just given us for christmas to buy the stinkin thing!
An hour later everyone was back and ready to unwrap. First I had to have my coffee though. And eat something.
Did I mention that all this time Ivy had to stay in the highchair? If I had let her down she would have ripped open every single present under that tree! And yes, I know from recent experience!
Finally. FINALLY! We're ready to open things. With the stockings already done and the toys tossed to the floor, my oldest is waiting to open present after present. The baby is of course waiting patiently in her highchair totally engrossed in a new Teletubbie book that she opened 30 minutes before.
The biggest hit of the day was the walking dog that my oldest wanted, and recieved. I haven't seen her play with it since, but that might have something to do with the fact that it scared the baby right outta her diaper! She backed away, screamed, and cried when that thing started barking and moving towards her in that mechanical stiff movement. I couldn't do anything but laugh. Cruel I know, but it was so funny. She equally "liked" her Dora doll that she opened. That dancing thing starting flapping her arms and banging her head against the side of the box before I could even get it open. I was scared. I was petrified. I can only imagine what my baby was thinking when she took off to run towards me, getting away from that dancing thing. She cried, and screamed, all the while.. slightly swaying to the music almost dancing. Then ubruptly she would scream "No!" and start to shake her head and cry. Dora unfortunatly had to be put in another room because she wouldn't go near it. Score a negative 5 points for grandpa this year!
My oldest also got a cotton candy machine/maker thingy that she wanted. A hair beader which we've both used and we love! Coloring books, Magic Crayola things, hair things, make up stuff, (I did NOT buy that!) Some fuzzy posters. 4 mini skirts. (Why?! What was I thinking??!) She loves those of course, but it seems that I thought she was smaller than she actually is because now I have to return 4 of them for bigger skirts. Oh the joy of after christmas!! I can hardly contain my excitment to stand in lines!
They both got a huge present (that cost a huge penny) it was the last gift they unwrapped. Okay, the baby was still screaming from the Dora incident, so she wasn't unwrapping anything. She was more, clinging to me like a monkey. The girls got a huge playhouse for the living room. The plastic Little Tykes kind. It was really for Ivy, because Sierra got a lot of toys and Ivy didn't get many at all. Also, the playhouse is kind of too young for a 6 year old... but regardless, we put both their names on the box because.. well, its a big item and if they can share more power to them!
Ivy really loves the playhouse! She's been in it all afternoon and night since Andrew and my husband finally got it put together. Well, Andrew didn't do diddly but Chris was inside that house screwing (the screws and plastic together! Geesh, you guys have dirty minds!) and finally it was all put together. Boy didn't that little girl have fun today! I think she deserved it after the disliked presents she got. (I got some great pictures of her screaming though)
So, now its 1am and we are still not in bed yet. Why? Well, the baby was so tired because we didn't get much sleep last night, that by the afternoon she fell asleep. I tried to wake her up after awhile, but she wouldn't have any of it. So she slept, and then woke up. Now she's running around here ripping off her clothes every second she gets, playing with her Teletubbies inside her house...and she's no where near going to sleep! I am so screwed! I'm tired, and I'm grumpy and I want this day to be over! We had a great day, surprisingly. A phone call in the middle of it threatened to ruin the day, but we overcame it. Ended up being a good day.
I put Sierra to bed at 8pm, but for some reason she was still up at 10. I think perhaps she just didn't listen to me. Oh Goddess, I know its going to get harder with her too.
Well, I think I'm going to go make myself a nice cup of tea, light some candles and relax for the few hours that I will be forced to stay awake. :-)
2004 officially was a good christmas. Late.. but good.
Things are looking up after all. Like all things though, they get better and then worse..better and then worse. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Its a process. I think I've gotten a good start though.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
The healing begins...
I've been trying to distract myself from a lot of what I've been feeling lately. So, if you read any really odd posts from me lately about things totally off the wall.. you'll understand why. During my down moments I've been surfing the web looking for interesting websites with a certain quality to "distract." I've also been playing EQ2 more than usual, but without the enthusiasm I usually have. Right now, it's just to keep my mind off things.
I had the D&C on Wednesday the 22nd. It's over. Oddly enough, the experience at the hospital was wonderful. Had it been for any other reason, it would have been almost like going to a spa. It was relaxing and peaceful. I really wish I had the option of going completly under before. It would have been more tolerable. I didn't even get a bruise from the IV line. And they even used Lidocaine before putting it in. I really am amazed at how different the two experiences I've had are. Two very different hospitals. One common "procedure."
Of course they asked me why I was there, and I had to say for a D&C because of a miscarraige. Then they asked, "have you had a miscarraige in the last 2 months." I said, "except for the one I'm having now, no" "Oh, you're having one now? What do you mean?" "Thats why I'm here! For a D&C!" "But you said you were having a miscarraige." "Yes I am. The baby is dead!" silence.... "Oh."
I think classes in how to handle grieving mothers is essential. Or at least a class in common sense and tactfulness. Overall I can't complain too much. The nurses were very nice and the doctors were.. doctors. But the paperwork and the questions... ya, they sucked. And some were just unnessasary. Had this been my first miscarraige.. I would have been very upset at what they said. But, given that I'm almost used to this now... it hurt less. Angered me more than anything. That people can be so cruel because of stupidity.
Did I mention that I did all of this on my own? Yup! Afraid of hospitals little me, went in all by myself..and had the surgery by myself. Waited in the waiting rooms by myself. And was in recovery all by myself. I guess you could say I'm a little bit proud. If anything good came out of all this, it was that I was able to overcome a lifelong fear for at least a few hours. My husband wanted to be with me, he really did. But because he had to stay home with my daughter he couldn't do anything more than drop me off and then pick me up. Course the nurses had to comment on that too. "Oh my! All by yourself? Aww.." The pity thing again. lol
Well, for the wonderful tmi stuff.. I'm bleeding, but not bad at all. In fact, it seems that it might almost be over at times. Cramping isn't bad either. In fact, its only started doing it a little bit today. Nothing that Advil can't take care of.
My ex husband is angry because I couldn't take my daughter to her gymnastics lessons next week. He just cant understand why. I tried telling him I just couldn't do it, and finally explained, "I have just had surgery. I cannot stand up holding my toddler for 3 hours right now. Sorry. I just can't." It made him shut up, but I still can't understand why he has to be such an ass sometimes. I mean, I don't ask him for every private detail in his life. And this is supposed to be my time with my daughter. Why do I have to drive her all over the place to these things that I didn't even enroll her in? She's in gymnastics for 3 hours, 4 days a week! She's 6 years old! I don't agree with it for my child, and I don't like doing it. The whole bleeding, feeling like crap thing is just additional.
Well, I wish I could say that I'm signing off now to go do the Santa thing.. but we won't be celebrating anything until next week when my oldest comes back. I haven't even gotten a chance to do anything for Yule aside from light a few candles here and there, which I do every chance I can anyway. I'm hoping to include her in the ritual this year.
For all of you out there who will be munching on cookies and milk left by your kids, have a great night and take a bite for me. I could sure use some chocolate right about now...
I had the D&C on Wednesday the 22nd. It's over. Oddly enough, the experience at the hospital was wonderful. Had it been for any other reason, it would have been almost like going to a spa. It was relaxing and peaceful. I really wish I had the option of going completly under before. It would have been more tolerable. I didn't even get a bruise from the IV line. And they even used Lidocaine before putting it in. I really am amazed at how different the two experiences I've had are. Two very different hospitals. One common "procedure."
Of course they asked me why I was there, and I had to say for a D&C because of a miscarraige. Then they asked, "have you had a miscarraige in the last 2 months." I said, "except for the one I'm having now, no" "Oh, you're having one now? What do you mean?" "Thats why I'm here! For a D&C!" "But you said you were having a miscarraige." "Yes I am. The baby is dead!" silence.... "Oh."
I think classes in how to handle grieving mothers is essential. Or at least a class in common sense and tactfulness. Overall I can't complain too much. The nurses were very nice and the doctors were.. doctors. But the paperwork and the questions... ya, they sucked. And some were just unnessasary. Had this been my first miscarraige.. I would have been very upset at what they said. But, given that I'm almost used to this now... it hurt less. Angered me more than anything. That people can be so cruel because of stupidity.
Did I mention that I did all of this on my own? Yup! Afraid of hospitals little me, went in all by myself..and had the surgery by myself. Waited in the waiting rooms by myself. And was in recovery all by myself. I guess you could say I'm a little bit proud. If anything good came out of all this, it was that I was able to overcome a lifelong fear for at least a few hours. My husband wanted to be with me, he really did. But because he had to stay home with my daughter he couldn't do anything more than drop me off and then pick me up. Course the nurses had to comment on that too. "Oh my! All by yourself? Aww.." The pity thing again. lol
Well, for the wonderful tmi stuff.. I'm bleeding, but not bad at all. In fact, it seems that it might almost be over at times. Cramping isn't bad either. In fact, its only started doing it a little bit today. Nothing that Advil can't take care of.
My ex husband is angry because I couldn't take my daughter to her gymnastics lessons next week. He just cant understand why. I tried telling him I just couldn't do it, and finally explained, "I have just had surgery. I cannot stand up holding my toddler for 3 hours right now. Sorry. I just can't." It made him shut up, but I still can't understand why he has to be such an ass sometimes. I mean, I don't ask him for every private detail in his life. And this is supposed to be my time with my daughter. Why do I have to drive her all over the place to these things that I didn't even enroll her in? She's in gymnastics for 3 hours, 4 days a week! She's 6 years old! I don't agree with it for my child, and I don't like doing it. The whole bleeding, feeling like crap thing is just additional.
Well, I wish I could say that I'm signing off now to go do the Santa thing.. but we won't be celebrating anything until next week when my oldest comes back. I haven't even gotten a chance to do anything for Yule aside from light a few candles here and there, which I do every chance I can anyway. I'm hoping to include her in the ritual this year.
For all of you out there who will be munching on cookies and milk left by your kids, have a great night and take a bite for me. I could sure use some chocolate right about now...
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Ceciliantas- cybersexing his way to 15 minutes of fame
The Epic Adventures of - Ceciliantas:
My husband and I were playing EQ2 the other night as usual, and one of our friends said he read the funniest shit ever. He emailed it to me and told me I HAD to read it. So later that night I clicked on the link and went to the EQ2 Permafrost Rant boards and OMG.. we were up for hours reading it. Basically its about a guy in EQ2 who was caught cybering. He left the door to his inn on "visitor access." Big No No! The screenshots are hilarious, and well... theres a twist, but I'm not going to ruin it for you. I read all 23 pages that were there, and it just get funnier and funnier. Mostly because he doesn't take it like a man and just say, "D'oh! I got busted." No.. he denies it! Over and over. And then, to make matters worse for himself he gets all high and mighty and says he's going to start suing people. And he's talked to his "computer detectives." Umm.. yeah. Okay. Seriously. Its some funny shit!
If you don't have all day to read the forums like I did, you can always check out the condensed version here: The Epic Adventures of - Ceciliantas
Trust me, you don't want to be left out of this one. Its already made internet history! Forums all over the world have it posted. It made it to Fark.com and even the Hello Kitty Forums! (I didn't know they existed either, learn something new every day) It's almost as big as The Star wars kid..
My husband and I were playing EQ2 the other night as usual, and one of our friends said he read the funniest shit ever. He emailed it to me and told me I HAD to read it. So later that night I clicked on the link and went to the EQ2 Permafrost Rant boards and OMG.. we were up for hours reading it. Basically its about a guy in EQ2 who was caught cybering. He left the door to his inn on "visitor access." Big No No! The screenshots are hilarious, and well... theres a twist, but I'm not going to ruin it for you. I read all 23 pages that were there, and it just get funnier and funnier. Mostly because he doesn't take it like a man and just say, "D'oh! I got busted." No.. he denies it! Over and over. And then, to make matters worse for himself he gets all high and mighty and says he's going to start suing people. And he's talked to his "computer detectives." Umm.. yeah. Okay. Seriously. Its some funny shit!
If you don't have all day to read the forums like I did, you can always check out the condensed version here: The Epic Adventures of - Ceciliantas
Trust me, you don't want to be left out of this one. Its already made internet history! Forums all over the world have it posted. It made it to Fark.com and even the Hello Kitty Forums! (I didn't know they existed either, learn something new every day) It's almost as big as The Star wars kid..
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Well..
So far its been 2 1/2 days and nothing has happened on its own. No cramping, no bleeding, nothing. Its very frusterating to say the least. To know that everything is over, yet in some respects hasn't even begun! I thought I could wait out a natural m/c but I don't think that I can. On Monday I'm going to contact the doctor and schedule a D&C. He told me that they would put me completly out for it this time. The last time I was awake and could hear everything.. it wasn't pleasant. This time I'll be totally out.
For the most part there have been no more tears. Not to say I'm "over it" but I think I've dealt with it well. Now I just need to move on with my life, whatever happens.
My husband and I decided that it was a boy, though we will never know for sure because there won't be any chromosome testing done. So I've named him Justin, because thats the name that kept popping into my head since I found out.
For the most part there have been no more tears. Not to say I'm "over it" but I think I've dealt with it well. Now I just need to move on with my life, whatever happens.
My husband and I decided that it was a boy, though we will never know for sure because there won't be any chromosome testing done. So I've named him Justin, because thats the name that kept popping into my head since I found out.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Same story same dance..
My OB appointment was today. We were supposed to hear the babys heartbeat, but the doctor couldn't find it. He said not to worry and just come back in a week and try again. I told him that I wasn't satisfied with that, and I wanted an ultrasound. After waiting around at the hospital, I got an ultrasound that confirmed the existance of the yolk sac, but no baby was inside. Same story, same dance...
So now I'm just waiting for it to misscarry on its own. They estimate the baby died around 7 weeks. I bought a big bag of pads, and I guess I spend the holiday season waiting...
This really stinks, and I'm heartbroken over it. It doesn't get easier the second time, trust me.
I'm trying to pretend that I'm not upset, but I can't help it. The tears just come anyway.
Luckily I hadn't told many people yet, so there were not many to "un tell".. I guess I had a feeling it would turn out this way after all.
Saying goodbye to my July 4th baby will be hard. Dreams that you make of the future don't disapear easily.
So now I'm just waiting for it to misscarry on its own. They estimate the baby died around 7 weeks. I bought a big bag of pads, and I guess I spend the holiday season waiting...
This really stinks, and I'm heartbroken over it. It doesn't get easier the second time, trust me.
I'm trying to pretend that I'm not upset, but I can't help it. The tears just come anyway.
Luckily I hadn't told many people yet, so there were not many to "un tell".. I guess I had a feeling it would turn out this way after all.
Saying goodbye to my July 4th baby will be hard. Dreams that you make of the future don't disapear easily.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
I thought we were settled...
but it seems that we keep changing names. At least partially. Right now its Piper Ireland and Jett Christopher. For some reason Jett wasn't sitting well with me, but now for some reason it is. Go figure. All we can say is, for sanities sake we hope its a girl! Because boy names are so hard for us to agree on!
For a few weeks I was feeling pretty green, but now it seems I'm feeling better. I'm almost 12 weeks along and have my first internal appointment next week. This time the pregnancy is flying by!
Well, the baby is running amuck. Later!
For a few weeks I was feeling pretty green, but now it seems I'm feeling better. I'm almost 12 weeks along and have my first internal appointment next week. This time the pregnancy is flying by!
Well, the baby is running amuck. Later!
Friday, November 19, 2004
It must be something about October...
As usual, my monthly "friend" didn't arrive on time. I decided to wait a while before testing, because it usually shows up about 30 seconds after I pee on the thing. I just love keeping the HPT companies in business with my monthly buying. Boy do they get expensive!
So I waited about 3 weeks this time. I bought a test tonight and took it, totally expecting another negative and thus the start of my period. Nope. This time two lines crossed in front of the window. I stared at it. Stared at it some more, this time with a smile on my face. I'm pregnant!
My next thoughts I'm not sure were happy or scared. A bit of both really. I mean, we wanted this. We weren't exactly preventing anything, but I never expected for it to happen this soon. This is the spacing that I've always wanted. My youngest will almost be 2 when the baby is born, and of course my oldest will be 7. But suddenly I found myself so very afraid! I've never had two children that small at the same time before! Guilt overwhelmed me and I cried for a good hour. Betrayal I think. I feel like I'm robbing my youngest of being the youngest. Of course I'm not. But wow, I didn't expect to feel any sadness at this! The past three times (I miscarried once) I was elated to be pregnant! And I'm happy this time, but it seems that its going to take a while to sink in. I feel a bit in shock. I'm not sure if shock is a bit light headed and spacey, and some shaking in the pit of your stomach that doesn't seem to go away when you eat something... but thats definatly how I'm feeling.
I can think about it without crying now, and have even been able to feel happy. Another child will be a blessing. It's what I've always wanted. A big family. I'll be a mother of 3 children!
We already have names picked out. Anita Rowan if its a girl (which it probably is, I'm putting money on it) and Jett Sebastian if its a boy. Anita is after my grandmother, and Jett is a jet black gem. Rowan is a tree that is sacred to witches, and Sebastian was the name of one of my favorite cartoon characters when I was little, from "Bell and Sebastian" :-) It also means "majestic." Anita means "gracious" and Rowan means "red haired" as well as a type of tree.
I've been trying to talk my husband into using his name for a middle name but so far he won't have any of it. Apparently he doesn't like being named after. I would never do a Jr. thing because I believe in individuality, but I wouldn't mind using his name for a middle name. It would make Jett be a JC which is cool.
We have other names we like. If I had as many kids as I have names for I'd have a country for myself. ;-)
So there must be something about those fall months because I've gotten pregnant in Oct and Nov all 3 times now. I told my husband I'm going to shut him off from sex from Sept until the first thaw if this keeps up. ;-)
I'm going to call it a night now. I just really wanted to write and share with you what happened today. I'm going to hold off telling Sierra for awhile. She told me the other day she didn't want anymore siblings. Oops! ;-)
So I waited about 3 weeks this time. I bought a test tonight and took it, totally expecting another negative and thus the start of my period. Nope. This time two lines crossed in front of the window. I stared at it. Stared at it some more, this time with a smile on my face. I'm pregnant!
My next thoughts I'm not sure were happy or scared. A bit of both really. I mean, we wanted this. We weren't exactly preventing anything, but I never expected for it to happen this soon. This is the spacing that I've always wanted. My youngest will almost be 2 when the baby is born, and of course my oldest will be 7. But suddenly I found myself so very afraid! I've never had two children that small at the same time before! Guilt overwhelmed me and I cried for a good hour. Betrayal I think. I feel like I'm robbing my youngest of being the youngest. Of course I'm not. But wow, I didn't expect to feel any sadness at this! The past three times (I miscarried once) I was elated to be pregnant! And I'm happy this time, but it seems that its going to take a while to sink in. I feel a bit in shock. I'm not sure if shock is a bit light headed and spacey, and some shaking in the pit of your stomach that doesn't seem to go away when you eat something... but thats definatly how I'm feeling.
I can think about it without crying now, and have even been able to feel happy. Another child will be a blessing. It's what I've always wanted. A big family. I'll be a mother of 3 children!
We already have names picked out. Anita Rowan if its a girl (which it probably is, I'm putting money on it) and Jett Sebastian if its a boy. Anita is after my grandmother, and Jett is a jet black gem. Rowan is a tree that is sacred to witches, and Sebastian was the name of one of my favorite cartoon characters when I was little, from "Bell and Sebastian" :-) It also means "majestic." Anita means "gracious" and Rowan means "red haired" as well as a type of tree.
I've been trying to talk my husband into using his name for a middle name but so far he won't have any of it. Apparently he doesn't like being named after. I would never do a Jr. thing because I believe in individuality, but I wouldn't mind using his name for a middle name. It would make Jett be a JC which is cool.
We have other names we like. If I had as many kids as I have names for I'd have a country for myself. ;-)
So there must be something about those fall months because I've gotten pregnant in Oct and Nov all 3 times now. I told my husband I'm going to shut him off from sex from Sept until the first thaw if this keeps up. ;-)
I'm going to call it a night now. I just really wanted to write and share with you what happened today. I'm going to hold off telling Sierra for awhile. She told me the other day she didn't want anymore siblings. Oops! ;-)
Monday, October 25, 2004
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Time changes things..
I used to dread the day Sierra went back to her fathers. I looked forward to the day I picked her up, and looked upon the weekend like a child looking at Christmas day. Happy that its here. Wanting to cherish every moment of it that you possibly can. But knowing that in just a few hours or days, it will be over. It's always been my flaw I guess. Not being able to truly live in the moment and be happy, because my thoughts always jump to the end. The conclusion. Whats left.
Time changes things though. Each day that passes that she's not here, every weekend that I see her, every time she leaves.. it gets easier. I'm at that point now where I look forward to picking her up, and I look forward to her leaving as well. It's the cycle that is familiar now. If she were here all the time I would be used to her hyperness in the evenings. Her insane appetite for all things "junk food." The way she argues and tries to strike a deal with me about things, as most six year olds do. Years ago it was all normal. All the things she did were just a part of her. I was used to it. But now that she isn't here 24/7, I've found that I am less used to my own daughter. Not in a way that impacts anything of course, and she'll never know the difference...but I do. And its an odd feeling. Almost one of betrayal.
She asks me all the time if I'm sad that she's gone a lot, and I answer her "sometimes." Because thats the truth. When I think of my family, I think of who lives here in my home. And sadly, there is one missing during the week. On weekends however, we are "complete." And thats when I'm truly whole. I know it makes her happy to know that I am sad. Not a malicious kind of happy, but happy that her mother loves her enough to miss her. It gives her the security that she needs. She asks me why it has to be this way, why she has to have two homes. And I tell her that as long as both her father and I are still alive, this is just the way it is. And that maybe in the future when she's older it will change, who knows? I tell her she is special and lucky to have two places to call home and so many people to love her. Still, she's not happy with it. And I don't blame her. I didn't fight for custody for two years for nothing. I fought it for myself and for her, and though I didn't win all the way, either did he. No, its still 50/50 all the way. And for Sierra thats a good, albeit confusing thing. My hope is that when she's older she will understand more. For now, she knows that she has two sets of parents that love her very much and will always be here for her.
Yes, time has changed things. I can enjoy the moments as they come now without looking at the clock and feeling that yucky sensation in the pit of my stomach. I can look forward to the good things that Sunday has to bring. Quiet, less mess, less laundry (though admittedly I have to do my wash during the week) less cups of water and spoiled milk laying around the house, less arguments about using the computer or taking a shower.... and I don't think of the things that I'm missing. It's almost as if she is in suspended animation during the week. I ask her about what went on, and did she have fun at this and that. But she never has much of an answer. For her, her life between her father and I are totally separate parts. When she is here, she thinks nothing of there. And vice versa. Her coping with things is almost the same as mine. She is my daughter after all.
This way of life that we are living isn't perfect, but its comfortable now. I don't feel like I'm falling apart with my heart split in two every waking moment. Any mother who has ever been in a custody battle knows that feeling I'm speaking of. There are no other words to describe it. You feel as though you are dying and there is nothing you can do about it. Two choices, fight or give up. I chose to fight. And though the success wasn't realized until much later, it was still significant. Sometimes when one wants a certain outcome, you set your sights on that and only that. Overlooking the possibility of other outcomes that would be equally as good, or at least better than the worse one. Our shared custody, shared residential agreement is by far not what I had in mind. But as it turns out, it was not what he had in mind either. He wanted all and nothing less. I simply wanted my daughter. In the end I didn't lose her. Not in the way that I thought would be the worst. No, I still have her in my life. And he still has to share. So, I did win after all. Its a good feeling. Especially when time has passed and you realize that as much as you wanted it the other way.... this way is okay too. It works for us. It doesn't mean I love her any less, it just means that we've adapted and changed to fit the circumstances.
I'm glad that we were able to overcome this together. It will be years before she fully realizes how she feels about it, but when she wants to talk I'll always be there. And so will her father.
Time changes things though. Each day that passes that she's not here, every weekend that I see her, every time she leaves.. it gets easier. I'm at that point now where I look forward to picking her up, and I look forward to her leaving as well. It's the cycle that is familiar now. If she were here all the time I would be used to her hyperness in the evenings. Her insane appetite for all things "junk food." The way she argues and tries to strike a deal with me about things, as most six year olds do. Years ago it was all normal. All the things she did were just a part of her. I was used to it. But now that she isn't here 24/7, I've found that I am less used to my own daughter. Not in a way that impacts anything of course, and she'll never know the difference...but I do. And its an odd feeling. Almost one of betrayal.
She asks me all the time if I'm sad that she's gone a lot, and I answer her "sometimes." Because thats the truth. When I think of my family, I think of who lives here in my home. And sadly, there is one missing during the week. On weekends however, we are "complete." And thats when I'm truly whole. I know it makes her happy to know that I am sad. Not a malicious kind of happy, but happy that her mother loves her enough to miss her. It gives her the security that she needs. She asks me why it has to be this way, why she has to have two homes. And I tell her that as long as both her father and I are still alive, this is just the way it is. And that maybe in the future when she's older it will change, who knows? I tell her she is special and lucky to have two places to call home and so many people to love her. Still, she's not happy with it. And I don't blame her. I didn't fight for custody for two years for nothing. I fought it for myself and for her, and though I didn't win all the way, either did he. No, its still 50/50 all the way. And for Sierra thats a good, albeit confusing thing. My hope is that when she's older she will understand more. For now, she knows that she has two sets of parents that love her very much and will always be here for her.
Yes, time has changed things. I can enjoy the moments as they come now without looking at the clock and feeling that yucky sensation in the pit of my stomach. I can look forward to the good things that Sunday has to bring. Quiet, less mess, less laundry (though admittedly I have to do my wash during the week) less cups of water and spoiled milk laying around the house, less arguments about using the computer or taking a shower.... and I don't think of the things that I'm missing. It's almost as if she is in suspended animation during the week. I ask her about what went on, and did she have fun at this and that. But she never has much of an answer. For her, her life between her father and I are totally separate parts. When she is here, she thinks nothing of there. And vice versa. Her coping with things is almost the same as mine. She is my daughter after all.
This way of life that we are living isn't perfect, but its comfortable now. I don't feel like I'm falling apart with my heart split in two every waking moment. Any mother who has ever been in a custody battle knows that feeling I'm speaking of. There are no other words to describe it. You feel as though you are dying and there is nothing you can do about it. Two choices, fight or give up. I chose to fight. And though the success wasn't realized until much later, it was still significant. Sometimes when one wants a certain outcome, you set your sights on that and only that. Overlooking the possibility of other outcomes that would be equally as good, or at least better than the worse one. Our shared custody, shared residential agreement is by far not what I had in mind. But as it turns out, it was not what he had in mind either. He wanted all and nothing less. I simply wanted my daughter. In the end I didn't lose her. Not in the way that I thought would be the worst. No, I still have her in my life. And he still has to share. So, I did win after all. Its a good feeling. Especially when time has passed and you realize that as much as you wanted it the other way.... this way is okay too. It works for us. It doesn't mean I love her any less, it just means that we've adapted and changed to fit the circumstances.
I'm glad that we were able to overcome this together. It will be years before she fully realizes how she feels about it, but when she wants to talk I'll always be there. And so will her father.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Fear me! I'm very bad...
Gosh, that certainly took a while for me to get this blog up and running. Even with templates that have the blogger code already in them, it seems you still have to do a bit of coding yourself to "fix" everything that's there. Oh well. Such is life. I tried to find a simple way out of doing something, and I ended up doing most of it myself anyway. At least I can stop playing with it now, and actually get to posting.
So how many Wiccan mothers do you know? I know quite a few. Far more Wiccans that are childless though. It seems that a lot of people are scared to actually practice their religion, even though its protected by law. I know it took me years to come out of the "broom closet", and for no other reason than because I have a very uncaring, unkind, vindictive ex-husband. Come to think of it, aren't most ex-husbands like that? I always wanted the storybook ex. Happily helped you out with things, talked about the kids together, called for holidays and birthdays or just to say "hey".. but I digress.. No, I kept my Paganism to myself for years. I didn't keep my daughter away from it, but I didn't advertise what I was either. And now, almost 5 years after our divorce, he figures out that I'm not a christian like he thought I was. How he ever got that idea I'll never know.
He calls me a few days ago and asks about this "Pagan stuff." I asked him,"What do you want to know?" His wife told him all about Pagans it seems, and they are bad, very bad! I explained that it was an Earth religion that focused on the seasons and the elements. I told him how I believe in a male and female diety, as opposed to just one. He asked what kind of things we do at these "circles" I take my kids to. One of the kids being his daughter. I told him how we talk, eat food, recognize the season and the times and the moon, sometimes we do crafts and sing, etc.. Then he asked me what has to be the funniest thing I've ever heard. "Do you make voo-doo dolls like on the Blair Witch Project? Because I've been getting aches and pains lately and I'm wondering if..." Oh my Goddess! Did he actually just ask me that?! I couldn't contain my laughter. I just couldn't. I assured him that we don't do that sort of thing. I also told him I'd print him off some things that will explain it better to him. For instance, I didn't go into detail the difference between what a Pagan is, and what a Wiccan is. I figured I'd let Witchvox do that for me. So far there hasn't been any more questions, so perhaps he's grown up a bit in the past year. I can only hope so.
The baby is clawing at my shirt hoping I'll get the hint, so I'll end this for now.
So how many Wiccan mothers do you know? I know quite a few. Far more Wiccans that are childless though. It seems that a lot of people are scared to actually practice their religion, even though its protected by law. I know it took me years to come out of the "broom closet", and for no other reason than because I have a very uncaring, unkind, vindictive ex-husband. Come to think of it, aren't most ex-husbands like that? I always wanted the storybook ex. Happily helped you out with things, talked about the kids together, called for holidays and birthdays or just to say "hey".. but I digress.. No, I kept my Paganism to myself for years. I didn't keep my daughter away from it, but I didn't advertise what I was either. And now, almost 5 years after our divorce, he figures out that I'm not a christian like he thought I was. How he ever got that idea I'll never know.
He calls me a few days ago and asks about this "Pagan stuff." I asked him,"What do you want to know?" His wife told him all about Pagans it seems, and they are bad, very bad! I explained that it was an Earth religion that focused on the seasons and the elements. I told him how I believe in a male and female diety, as opposed to just one. He asked what kind of things we do at these "circles" I take my kids to. One of the kids being his daughter. I told him how we talk, eat food, recognize the season and the times and the moon, sometimes we do crafts and sing, etc.. Then he asked me what has to be the funniest thing I've ever heard. "Do you make voo-doo dolls like on the Blair Witch Project? Because I've been getting aches and pains lately and I'm wondering if..." Oh my Goddess! Did he actually just ask me that?! I couldn't contain my laughter. I just couldn't. I assured him that we don't do that sort of thing. I also told him I'd print him off some things that will explain it better to him. For instance, I didn't go into detail the difference between what a Pagan is, and what a Wiccan is. I figured I'd let Witchvox do that for me. So far there hasn't been any more questions, so perhaps he's grown up a bit in the past year. I can only hope so.
The baby is clawing at my shirt hoping I'll get the hint, so I'll end this for now.
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