Our christmas day finally came!

Yup! A week late! But it did finally come!

My ex didn't even remember to call me and tell me what day Sierra was coming over. Lucky that I don't have much to do huh? She came last night, and we did the whole "Santa" thing. (he comes later if you email him you know ;-)

This morning, functioning on about 2 hours of sleep we all attempted to be awake enough to watch the kids open presents. And what happens, we find out that the battery in the digital camera has died already! Before we'd taken any pictures! So here we are with not a penny to our name basically, and no batteries. Yes I know.. always keep a spare, and we do! Except that last time it ran out, we used the spare. And uh, never replaced it. So at 8am Andrew (my cousin)and my husband had to go out to Wally world to get another battery. We used the Wally world card that my grandfather had just given us for christmas to buy the stinkin thing!

An hour later everyone was back and ready to unwrap. First I had to have my coffee though. And eat something.

Did I mention that all this time Ivy had to stay in the highchair? If I had let her down she would have ripped open every single present under that tree! And yes, I know from recent experience!

Finally. FINALLY! We're ready to open things. With the stockings already done and the toys tossed to the floor, my oldest is waiting to open present after present. The baby is of course waiting patiently in her highchair totally engrossed in a new Teletubbie book that she opened 30 minutes before.

The biggest hit of the day was the walking dog that my oldest wanted, and recieved. I haven't seen her play with it since, but that might have something to do with the fact that it scared the baby right outta her diaper! She backed away, screamed, and cried when that thing started barking and moving towards her in that mechanical stiff movement. I couldn't do anything but laugh. Cruel I know, but it was so funny. She equally "liked" her Dora doll that she opened. That dancing thing starting flapping her arms and banging her head against the side of the box before I could even get it open. I was scared. I was petrified. I can only imagine what my baby was thinking when she took off to run towards me, getting away from that dancing thing. She cried, and screamed, all the while.. slightly swaying to the music almost dancing. Then ubruptly she would scream "No!" and start to shake her head and cry. Dora unfortunatly had to be put in another room because she wouldn't go near it. Score a negative 5 points for grandpa this year!

My oldest also got a cotton candy machine/maker thingy that she wanted. A hair beader which we've both used and we love! Coloring books, Magic Crayola things, hair things, make up stuff, (I did NOT buy that!) Some fuzzy posters. 4 mini skirts. (Why?! What was I thinking??!) She loves those of course, but it seems that I thought she was smaller than she actually is because now I have to return 4 of them for bigger skirts. Oh the joy of after christmas!! I can hardly contain my excitment to stand in lines!

They both got a huge present (that cost a huge penny) it was the last gift they unwrapped. Okay, the baby was still screaming from the Dora incident, so she wasn't unwrapping anything. She was more, clinging to me like a monkey. The girls got a huge playhouse for the living room. The plastic Little Tykes kind. It was really for Ivy, because Sierra got a lot of toys and Ivy didn't get many at all. Also, the playhouse is kind of too young for a 6 year old... but regardless, we put both their names on the box because.. well, its a big item and if they can share more power to them!

Ivy really loves the playhouse! She's been in it all afternoon and night since Andrew and my husband finally got it put together. Well, Andrew didn't do diddly but Chris was inside that house screwing (the screws and plastic together! Geesh, you guys have dirty minds!) and finally it was all put together. Boy didn't that little girl have fun today! I think she deserved it after the disliked presents she got. (I got some great pictures of her screaming though)

So, now its 1am and we are still not in bed yet. Why? Well, the baby was so tired because we didn't get much sleep last night, that by the afternoon she fell asleep. I tried to wake her up after awhile, but she wouldn't have any of it. So she slept, and then woke up. Now she's running around here ripping off her clothes every second she gets, playing with her Teletubbies inside her house...and she's no where near going to sleep! I am so screwed! I'm tired, and I'm grumpy and I want this day to be over! We had a great day, surprisingly. A phone call in the middle of it threatened to ruin the day, but we overcame it. Ended up being a good day.
I put Sierra to bed at 8pm, but for some reason she was still up at 10. I think perhaps she just didn't listen to me. Oh Goddess, I know its going to get harder with her too.

Well, I think I'm going to go make myself a nice cup of tea, light some candles and relax for the few hours that I will be forced to stay awake. :-)

2004 officially was a good christmas. Late.. but good.
Things are looking up after all. Like all things though, they get better and then worse..better and then worse. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Its a process. I think I've gotten a good start though.

The healing begins...

I've been trying to distract myself from a lot of what I've been feeling lately. So, if you read any really odd posts from me lately about things totally off the wall.. you'll understand why. During my down moments I've been surfing the web looking for interesting websites with a certain quality to "distract." I've also been playing EQ2 more than usual, but without the enthusiasm I usually have. Right now, it's just to keep my mind off things.

I had the D&C on Wednesday the 22nd. It's over. Oddly enough, the experience at the hospital was wonderful. Had it been for any other reason, it would have been almost like going to a spa. It was relaxing and peaceful. I really wish I had the option of going completly under before. It would have been more tolerable. I didn't even get a bruise from the IV line. And they even used Lidocaine before putting it in. I really am amazed at how different the two experiences I've had are. Two very different hospitals. One common "procedure."

Of course they asked me why I was there, and I had to say for a D&C because of a miscarraige. Then they asked, "have you had a miscarraige in the last 2 months." I said, "except for the one I'm having now, no" "Oh, you're having one now? What do you mean?" "Thats why I'm here! For a D&C!" "But you said you were having a miscarraige." "Yes I am. The baby is dead!" silence.... "Oh."

I think classes in how to handle grieving mothers is essential. Or at least a class in common sense and tactfulness. Overall I can't complain too much. The nurses were very nice and the doctors were.. doctors. But the paperwork and the questions... ya, they sucked. And some were just unnessasary. Had this been my first miscarraige.. I would have been very upset at what they said. But, given that I'm almost used to this now... it hurt less. Angered me more than anything. That people can be so cruel because of stupidity.

Did I mention that I did all of this on my own? Yup! Afraid of hospitals little me, went in all by myself..and had the surgery by myself. Waited in the waiting rooms by myself. And was in recovery all by myself. I guess you could say I'm a little bit proud. If anything good came out of all this, it was that I was able to overcome a lifelong fear for at least a few hours. My husband wanted to be with me, he really did. But because he had to stay home with my daughter he couldn't do anything more than drop me off and then pick me up. Course the nurses had to comment on that too. "Oh my! All by yourself? Aww.." The pity thing again. lol

Well, for the wonderful tmi stuff.. I'm bleeding, but not bad at all. In fact, it seems that it might almost be over at times. Cramping isn't bad either. In fact, its only started doing it a little bit today. Nothing that Advil can't take care of.

My ex husband is angry because I couldn't take my daughter to her gymnastics lessons next week. He just cant understand why. I tried telling him I just couldn't do it, and finally explained, "I have just had surgery. I cannot stand up holding my toddler for 3 hours right now. Sorry. I just can't." It made him shut up, but I still can't understand why he has to be such an ass sometimes. I mean, I don't ask him for every private detail in his life. And this is supposed to be my time with my daughter. Why do I have to drive her all over the place to these things that I didn't even enroll her in? She's in gymnastics for 3 hours, 4 days a week! She's 6 years old! I don't agree with it for my child, and I don't like doing it. The whole bleeding, feeling like crap thing is just additional.

Well, I wish I could say that I'm signing off now to go do the Santa thing.. but we won't be celebrating anything until next week when my oldest comes back. I haven't even gotten a chance to do anything for Yule aside from light a few candles here and there, which I do every chance I can anyway. I'm hoping to include her in the ritual this year.

For all of you out there who will be munching on cookies and milk left by your kids, have a great night and take a bite for me. I could sure use some chocolate right about now...

Ceciliantas- cybersexing his way to 15 minutes of fame

The Epic Adventures of - Ceciliantas:

My husband and I were playing EQ2 the other night as usual, and one of our friends said he read the funniest shit ever. He emailed it to me and told me I HAD to read it. So later that night I clicked on the link and went to the EQ2 Permafrost Rant boards and OMG.. we were up for hours reading it. Basically its about a guy in EQ2 who was caught cybering. He left the door to his inn on "visitor access." Big No No! The screenshots are hilarious, and well... theres a twist, but I'm not going to ruin it for you. I read all 23 pages that were there, and it just get funnier and funnier. Mostly because he doesn't take it like a man and just say, "D'oh! I got busted." No.. he denies it! Over and over. And then, to make matters worse for himself he gets all high and mighty and says he's going to start suing people. And he's talked to his "computer detectives." Umm.. yeah. Okay. Seriously. Its some funny shit!

If you don't have all day to read the forums like I did, you can always check out the condensed version here: The Epic Adventures of - Ceciliantas

Trust me, you don't want to be left out of this one. Its already made internet history! Forums all over the world have it posted. It made it to Fark.com and even the Hello Kitty Forums! (I didn't know they existed either, learn something new every day) It's almost as big as The Star wars kid..

Well..

So far its been 2 1/2 days and nothing has happened on its own. No cramping, no bleeding, nothing. Its very frusterating to say the least. To know that everything is over, yet in some respects hasn't even begun! I thought I could wait out a natural m/c but I don't think that I can. On Monday I'm going to contact the doctor and schedule a D&C. He told me that they would put me completly out for it this time. The last time I was awake and could hear everything.. it wasn't pleasant. This time I'll be totally out.

For the most part there have been no more tears. Not to say I'm "over it" but I think I've dealt with it well. Now I just need to move on with my life, whatever happens.

My husband and I decided that it was a boy, though we will never know for sure because there won't be any chromosome testing done. So I've named him Justin, because thats the name that kept popping into my head since I found out.

Same story same dance..

My OB appointment was today. We were supposed to hear the babys heartbeat, but the doctor couldn't find it. He said not to worry and just come back in a week and try again. I told him that I wasn't satisfied with that, and I wanted an ultrasound. After waiting around at the hospital, I got an ultrasound that confirmed the existance of the yolk sac, but no baby was inside. Same story, same dance...

So now I'm just waiting for it to misscarry on its own. They estimate the baby died around 7 weeks. I bought a big bag of pads, and I guess I spend the holiday season waiting...

This really stinks, and I'm heartbroken over it. It doesn't get easier the second time, trust me.
I'm trying to pretend that I'm not upset, but I can't help it. The tears just come anyway.

Luckily I hadn't told many people yet, so there were not many to "un tell".. I guess I had a feeling it would turn out this way after all.

Saying goodbye to my July 4th baby will be hard. Dreams that you make of the future don't disapear easily.

I thought we were settled...

but it seems that we keep changing names. At least partially. Right now its Piper Ireland and Jett Christopher. For some reason Jett wasn't sitting well with me, but now for some reason it is. Go figure. All we can say is, for sanities sake we hope its a girl! Because boy names are so hard for us to agree on!

For a few weeks I was feeling pretty green, but now it seems I'm feeling better. I'm almost 12 weeks along and have my first internal appointment next week. This time the pregnancy is flying by!

Well, the baby is running amuck. Later!