My Exhole

This weekend my daughter cried almost every single day. She wasn't crying because I told her no TV. She wasn't crying because I wouldn't let her have another brownie. Nope. She was crying because her father was making fun of her.

Turns out that my exhole, that I so lovingly call him.. has been harassing my daughter. He's been talking about me in front of her. Insulting me. When she's tried sharing with him what we did over the weekend, any mention of anything remotely "Pagan" or "Wiccan" and he makes it known that he doesn't like it. He gestures behind her back, only she can see him. He makes comments to his wife about it, whispering loud enough for her to hear. All of these things are causing her to be very upset.

She said, "When he makes fun of you being Wiccan, he's not just making fun of you.. he's making fun of me too. And its not just making fun that hurts me, its that he's my father. Why is he being so mean?"

So she is finally seeing him for who he is after all. I hate to say it, but as much as I want to be happy that she sees him that way. Happy that she sees the truth! .... I'm not. I'm sad that she has to find out that her father, the one she holds so high, is really like that. I tried not too, but I ended up crying right along beside her.

She wants to live with me, and she doesn't want to live with him. She wants to spend more time with me. "Mama I love it when you spend time with me because you teach me things that I need to know. You help me learn." Now if that isn't proof that I'm doing my job...

apparently he has been living with his mother in law, in her house. This is different from how I thought it to be. He told the court and the guardian et litem two years ago, that they owned the house. The obviously made him out to be more financially stable than I am. Ah, but... it turns out that it was a lie. I asked him about it tonight on the phone, before he came to pick my daughter up. He admitted that he lied to everyone. "Why?! Why?!" I asked him. And he said he didn't know why. He of course tried to tell me that my state of mind wasn't the best back then. (As if he was doing everyone a favor by taking my daughter from me) I told him there was no reason to lie. No reason at all. He won the custody case based on a lie.

I told him that I could go back and let them know what he did. He started yelling at me, "What do you want? You want to go back to court?! You want her all the time?! You want me to have her on weekends instead?!" He just totally went off the deep end. I said that at the very least I deserved an apology. So he gave me one of those, "Well I'm soooorrrry." I'm sure that he's not in the least bit sorry, but that doesn't matter. What matters is, I've got him. And he knows it. I simply cannot believe that he lied to everyone. With something as important as our daughter. I played by the rules, and he cheated. It sounds like our marriage all over again. Every day is a healthy reminder of why I left him to begin with, I suppose!

During the conversation he tried to flip everything around on me. He started telling me that the one time I let my daughter walk down the road to the playground to check to see if there was any "clean" snow on the ground (hey, we live in the city..) that she could have been kidnapped or run over, or shot. *laugh* Sorry, but we don't live in a city that big.

1. The playground was 3 houses down from ours.
2. I stood on the porch the whole time
3. I can see the playground from the porch
4. She walked up and came right back
5. She was gone but still in my sight for all of 3 minutes
6. She's almost 7 years old.

I don't know about any of you parents out there... but my grandmother (who raised me) let me start to do things a little bit on my own. I was a very sheltered child, but she let me learn how to do things in baby steps. Its okay to watch over your child, its okay to be concerned.. but to hover over them and not let them learn and grow is wrong! She asked to walk down by herself. I said yes for a few reasons. I wanted to see if she could follow directions that were important. I wanted to see if she could do it and be trusted. I also wanted to instill some pride that she could do it by herself. I think that's important. And even though it was successful (she went right there and came right back, no problems) we haven't done it again since. Why? Because its baby steps. Little bit here, little bit there. That was over there months ago that this happened, and it will probably be another 6 months to a year before it happens again.

Anyway, it was a diversion tactic on his part to try and get me all riled up and on the defensive while I was talking to him. It didn't work. I know I'm a good mother. I know I care about my child and that I make the right decisions. I'm not always sure in the moment if the decisions are right or not... but they always have been. That's part of being a parent. Learning from your mistakes and moving on. Doing the best you can. And I know that I am.

I doubt he'd be able to spot a "bad mother" if one came along and smacked him in the face. Goddess knows I know of plenty.... perhaps I should introduce them to him.

He also told my daughter that I live on state aid, and said "Why are you hiding that from her?" Uh, okay. I'm on Social Security Disability. My daughter is 6 1/2 years old. Since when do I have to talk to her about our financial status?! In fact, shouldn't you not talk about that sort of thing around your children?! Isn't that putting adult problems in little kids heads?!

I told my daughter where my check comes from, and I even explained to her why. We talked about Agoraphobia and what it is and how it makes someone feel. I told her that I was telling her all of this because I thought she was old enough to understand better, and that I don't ever lie to her. (I guess he was on a "what your mother says is a lie" kick too) To emphasize the "no lying"..I told her exactly why I get a check. Though I still do not agree with my exhold who says, "I thought she ought to know how you really live your life." Uh, okay. Whatever.

I asked him, "Are you happy with your life? Are you really happy? Because usually people who talk about others and gossip and start trouble, do it because they are unhappy with something in their own life. Are you sure you're happy?"

He said he was very happy with his life, over there. Umm.. I wasn't aware that part of his life was over here, perhaps I ought to look into getting new locks put on the doors? I wasn't aware he was spending any time over here... I told him, "Super. Then live your life and be happy. Stay out of mine. How I live my life is none of your business. I don't talk about you, don't talk about me."

His final words were, "Fine. I'll stop bad mouthing you in front of her. I'm sooooorrrry."

Whatever man. Mark my words... you are digging your own hole. Your daughter is starting to realize that you are not the person that she thought. You are a mean, self righteous, prideful, ego maniac who derives joy from hurting other people. Get a life, and grow up please... before its too late. Your daughter is getting older and you are running out of time to change the path you're on.

Change. Before she grows to hate you.

Life Happens

It was really late last night when I got an IM from the midwife. Apparently she was bragging about me to some of her midwife friends and one of them asked to borrow her " internet doula." I guess she had a really young client that could benefit from some support. I told her if she wanted to pass my contact info out she could.

Turns out the girl was in labor right then and they wanted me to help her.
I wanted to. Goddess knows I did. It was almost 3am, the baby was crying, I was still exhausted, and there was no way my husband was feeling well enough to deal with the baby at that hour on his own. To add to the chaos, the DSL kept going out because of the storm we were having.

So I told her I couldn't do it. She assured me it was okay, and that life happens.

Never before have I felt that guilty for not being able to help someone else. I wanted to be able to help that girl have a better birth experience than she most likely got. I'm still not sure I made the right choice a day later. The problem with this is, there's simply not enough of me to go around.

I love this job. Don't get me wrong. It's just been so many years since I've had a job where I'm not just "Mama." I've been having trouble keeping up with the housework, because I've been so tired. Part of the issue I think is that I'm on call instead of having a 9-5 job. And lately there has been no warning whatsoever. The other day I got up, didn't even have a chance to get dressed and *BUZZ!* When it was all over it was just about time to go to bed again. I didn't even have a moment to get something to eat the whole day.

So obviously I need to get some things organized. I need to eat. I need to shower. I need to pee occasionally. Lately there hasn't been a time where I'm noton call. That's also hard to deal with. Its been 3 babies this week alone! Thats a lot of time spent in front of the computer committed to helping. The women though... they are so grateful! I would never willingly just give this up. Its too special and too important. I've just got to prioritize and streamline. That's all. I can do this. I want to make a difference in other peoples lives.

Tell me I don't sound like a cheap self-help book? Please? lol