The Great Divide Widens

Its been warming up here the past week. All the neighborhood kids have come out to play, and Ivy has been meeting them and in theory.. making friends. She seems oblivious to their looks, or their comments, or the tone in their voice... and I so wish that I was oblivious too, because it kills me to listen to them talk to her the way they do.

I can hear it in their voice.. "Oh my god.. she is weird!" when they say, "Let's go um... play over.. there.. somewhere not here.. (with her)"

I can see the looks they glance to each other and the whispers.

I can read between the lines when they tell her that they want to be her friend and then ask to go play at her house so that they can play together with each other and exclude her.. but use all her toys in her room.

I watch them laugh as she gets upset about something they said in fun.

I watch them call her names because she's a bit behind in some things. They taunt her, "You're a baby! Only a baaabyyyy doesn't know how to ride a bike! You can't even ride a tricycle!" And then I fight back the tears as I watch her sit there in silence.. pushing with everything she has on the pedals of that tricycle.. trying so hard.. so determined... I encourage her to keep trying, "Great job pushing your feet! Keep trying!" After awhile she finally gets off and shrugs her shoulders, and says "I change my mind. I change my mind."

I smile as I see her with her arm around one of her new friends.. and then fight to control myself when I watch her "friend" knock her arm away and say, "don't touch me!" I see the look on her face of confusion. I wish I could make her understand... but before I'm done thinking that thought, she has forgotten about it and moved on to something else.

Falling asleep at night she says, "Mama, do you love me or hate me?" and I know that someone has said this to her today... and she's trying to figure it out in her mind. Repeating those things that trip her up. I bite my tongue and hold back tears for what seems like the hundredth time today... I can do this. I can. I can hold it together.

"Mama loves you Ivy. Always."
"I don't hate you either. Either. I don't. I don't hate you." she says. "But some kids do. Its okay. Its an accident. Its okay." she smiles and closes her eyes.

I know that every child goes through days like today. I know every parent feels those pangs of sadness and helplessness. Its her innocence that makes it hard. Everything she experiences is like Teflon. No matter how much it hurts me, on the surface it seems to slide right off her. I only wonder how much it really slides off... how much sticks there? How much will she carry with her forever? And am I doing enough? How can I be there for every social exchange 24/7?

Does the feeling in the pit of my stomach ever go away?

Spring Brings Change

Spring is finally here. I'm choosing to ignore the fact that there was a snow storm yesterday and another 6 inches of snow on the ground. Really. Lets just pretend that didn't happen m'kay?

I've been waist deep in the middle of some massive spring cleaning. Not just cleaning, but decluttering. Why? Because we've decided that enough is enough. I'm tired of this apartment. We've been here for five years. Third floor, no yard. Three kids. You do the math. We've had trouble with other tenants in the past few years with "noise" the kids make. Normal playing on the floor noise. Toddler learning to walk noise. Nothing we can prevent. Its really impacted my life and the way I parent negatively. I don't want to keep repeating over and over again, "Please walk softly." "Don't use the car on the floor hun. On the rug." "Don't play with that toy there, its too loud." Blah blah blah repeat. I want them to be able to PLAY. You know, the things kids are supposed to do. And that just can't happen here.

To make matters worse, we've had a roof rat infestation and bed bugs from the neighbors. Management knows and has done nothing to help. Nothing. My cats are killing rats daily and its grossing me the fuck out. I can't walk in my house without shoes on because there are so many holes in this damn place I'm afraid of rats popping out all the time. Yes, we need to move.

We decided to put an application in to the low income housing complex in town. It really is a beautiful place. Dh's sister lives there so that will be nice for us. Playgrounds, grass, sidewalks. 3 or 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, ground floor with an upstairs, back yard fenced in. Grassy hills to play on, sled on. The local swimming area is a 5 minute walk down the street. Its perfect for us.

We were on the waiting list before, and we turned it down because we would lose our current subsidy and that scared me. We worked hard to get it, and though the housing has its own subsidy it doesn't carry over. Its only good while you're there. I imagine we'll be there a long time though. Its a great place. From what I can tell we'll be number 6 or so on the list. Last time we were 25 or so and our name still came up, so I'm hopeful it won't be too long. My goal is to move in 2007. Cross your fingers and hope positive that our wait on the list will be short! We need this move so much!

So thats a large reason I've been decluttering. The prospect of moving has me happy to get rid of things to make it easier on us. Salvation Army is coming Monday to take away 2 tv's and 16 bags of kids and adult clothing ripped from our closets. All the saved clothes from my kids. Gone! Really. I don't need that many. I saved the really nice stuff that I might use for another baby someday, and sentimental things. Everything else got the boot. My bed got the boot to the dump as well. Whatever was biting us is only in the bed room. I don't know if its the bed, but we got rid of it all the same. We're all sleeping on the futon in the living room now and have been bite free all week. Lets hope it stays that way. The bedroom is closed off and nearly empty so whatever it is stays there. I hope.

The above pictures were taken on Saint Patricks Day at my sister in laws house. The family and my gorgeous babies.

Someone please tell the snow its time to go. Happy Ostara!