My $200 curio table I bought for $14 and it's first purpose as a focus/meditation altar.

School starts day after tomorrow for Sierra and Ivy. This coming
Thursday is Pipers screening/testing and her open house. Then her
first day of school is on Friday! In 5 days! I'm getting nervous
myself! This is baby #3 that's headed off to school. And Ivy is going
into third grade. It's such a jump. Suddenly there are no cute
pictures on the wall, no colorful chairs, ... I felt a lump in my
throat immediately and realized it was that sudden jump that made 3rd
the worst for me as a child. I'm trying so hard not to add my emotions
into her anxiety. Only positive thoughts allowed! I think the table
will help me as much as it helps them. My babies are growing up. Like
most things I want so much to be as prepared as possible, but I've
learned that parenting doesn't work like that. I could pack the house
with me, bring everything I own, and I can't prepare myself
emotionally and mentally as much as I'd like to. I feel so raw all the
time, changes are happening so fast. Some good some bad. To my brain,
change is bad period. So it's been a rough end to our summer. A rough
start to our school year, as all our ism's and dx's keep us from
feeling calm, rational, and peaceful. Anxiety rips through this house
like wildfire. We'll make it. We have to. Nothing beats anxiety and
fear faster than simply not having a choice. Thank goodness we have
each other, family and good friends. I'm not sure if I would have made
it this far! Thank you. Wish us luck!

When Wordless Wednesday is Every day

My new Nikon. Happy 7 years baby <3

Have you ever caught yourself stuck in so much that you can't properly articulate the situation? Are you ever sinking so fast that you don't have time to ask for help, let alone take a picture or blog about it? Well lately I've had pictures, but nothing else. In fact, taking pictures has been my survival.

For all the new followers, please know this. I take a lot of pictures. Photography is one of my passions. My "special interest" in autism-speak. I also use it as a form of self therapy for myself, and also as a self stimulation and a response to stress. Instead of a cigarette, cookie, or razor blade.. I reach for my camera. Some would say its healthy. Others argue that its excessive. The jury is still out I guess. In any event, please know that I take a lot of pictures. Sometimes its my kids, but often its of nature. Life. I'm obsessed with the moments other people don't catch, or the ones that no one else sees. I love candid photos, and a picture with a smile looking directly at me feels like a million sunburns on my skin. "Ugh! Look away! Smile at that flower or something! .. .much better! Beautiful!"  Eye contact remains an issue, even behind the lens of a Nikon D3100.

Pagan Pride Day 2011. Me. :)

When there are few written words on my blog, not much on my twitter, and close friends or family don't see much on my Facebook.. it means I'm having a hard time. I'm trying to balance being a mom, a wife to a husband going through his own psychological issues and being me. And the me part is being snuffed out. Seriously snuffed out. Suicide crossed my mind the past few months. Cutting returned. So in an effort to stay at an even keel, I have been taking more pictures. I apologize in advance. I know what I find beautiful, or my need to have a record of everything because my memory is so poor.. I know it is of little value to other people. This blog however, means everything to me. It is me. Good and bad. Boring and uninteresting. Bold and blunt. Emotional and irrational. Its mine. So few things I can say that with. With that said, please be gentle with any comments you leave me. My shields are down and theres no way they can be repaired quickly. Its going to take some time. <3