Plugged In and Checked Out

January is almost here, and with the new calendar comes more appointments for me and hopefully more answers. You see, three of us are officially diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Currently I have two children in various stages of evaluation, and my youngest just got referred as well. I'm so used to the testing and the questions that it seems almost silly to get official diagnosis's for anyone, but I know that without it, they might not be able to access services they might need in the coming years.

I wish I had more support, but I'm married to a man that carries different diagnosis's, all of them given in his childhood.. so really, I don't know whats going on with him. For all I know he could be on the spectrum himself. Getting him to seek out any help for himself is challenging. And being married is more like having a 6th child most of the time. He spends all of his time with his Iphone stuck to the front of his face. He doesn't play the PS3 during the day because we finally came to the agreement that he needed to stay tuned into life. So instead, he games on his phone. Somehow he thinks its different. When I talk to him, and he doesn't listen to anything I'd said. Or when I look at him and feel those feelings of love, and realize.. no matter what I can't get him to look at me back long enough to have "a moment." He's tuned into his phone literally 24/7. He's worse than my 13 year old. And he's totally checked out of life completely.

I often wonder if other women feel this way in their marriages. I feel like we've long since passed that in love stage, and we're straight into argue about absolutely everything area.

Ever since his leg surgery and his addiction, Chris has been an angry, isolated person. And since I have Asperger's you'd expect this to be okay with me.. except its not. Because its not the relationship I came into. We BOTH were introverts and we relied on each other to help us peek out of our shells. One of us continued to try and push every day, and one of us fell into the shadows and has let his childhood demons come back to haunt him.

I don't know about you.. but its not that much fun loving someone with a history of trauma. I should know, I have my own baggage and it can be daunting sometimes! Its not easy to be told that I'm doing things that remind the person of their abuse. This is something new to our relationship. We used to share our stories and talk about what happened.. never did we put blame on each other for anything.

Maybe it comes with being together for so long? Its been a decade now. The longest relationship I've ever had. Even longer than my parents had with me, ...only my grandmother knew me longer.. and its fast approaching the 15 year mark.

What I can say is this.. sometimes talking doesn't help. Most of the time it makes things worse in my case. The type of conversation that I think is helpful and makes me feel better, makes him feel shame and because of that he withdraws. Then we spend hours deadlocked. I alternate between crying and withdrawing, to trying to talk using all my communication skills and feeling defeated. Eventually I give up. After some time, if I give up completely and pretend things are fine then he'll come around. On his own time. In his own way. But the issue that caused us to argue in the first place is never resolved and inside my heart I feel sad and alone.

I think about our marriage and those feelings of sadness and isolation are what caused me to leave my last marriage and seek out that love from someone else. Knowing that I don't want that, my instinct is to work through things and try to fix it. However its really hard when one person isn't communicating at all, and the other is somehow not communicating effectively. At least half the time I feel doomed. Like a gerbil spinning in a wheel. I feel like I'm giving all of myself, my soul, and heart to my children and this marriage and not getting in return what I need to feel fulfilled and loved. I want so much to reach out, but the past has shown me that talking does no good. And it hurts so much to be rejected the way I have been lately.

I don't know whats in store for my life down the road. I only know where I am and where I want to be. I want happiness and love. I'm struggling, but still trying to keep this relationship together. I wonder if we have what it takes to still be together. I wonder if thats the right path or if we're fighting a losing battle. I don't have answers to any of those questions and its frustrating that Google can't answer it for me..

I think I need to find a pen pal, or a forum somewhere and get back into communication with other people. I need to feel like people are listening to me somewhere because I'm not feeling the bond in my home right now. Its not just being a woman with an autism spectrum disorder, but its parenting 5 children.. several of which have autism as well. My life isn't an easy one, but somehow I will make it work because I know others have it far worse. Its what keeps me going. Knowing that to someone else, I have it easy.

So how much does communication really matter in a marriage? Do you think its possible to love someone, be married, parent and have a gap in communication? Does it feed into trust or distrust? Am I doomed?

Its Christmas Eve in our home

Once again, its time to wrap presents and get ready for Yule/Christmas morning. I'll be honest, I'm not excited this year, but I'm going to try and kickstart my excitement by blogging about the things I was able to get them.

I think the cost of buying presents, plus the clutter in my house, added to the fact that my kids couldn't think of things they wanted at all. I was able to find them a few things that I think they'll enjoy.

Ivy loves pigs, so for her I found an awesome picture of a pig and printed it out and framed it in a simple frame. For Sierra, I framed a zebra. Piper isn't done yet, and I still have to find the perfect unicorn or horse picture. It seems like I've seen the images all a million times and none of them stand out as "the one" that will really make her smile. Their rooms are bare walls still, so I thought I'd start by giving them something to hang in their rooms that make them happy. I wanted to add letters to hang and spell their names out, but Yule just came too soon for that idea. So it'll be on the back burner. Maybe my next project? (I'm stuck between decoupaging cardboard ones, buying white ones, or buying wooden ones and painting them) If you know of an awesome idea, let me know!

This year the only thing the kids asked for was Harry Potter legos. That was the major item they all wanted. So I was able to get a couple of small sets for them. They really want the people. And I really don't want to hear, "ITS MY TURN TO BE HARRY NOW!!! GIVE IT TO MEEEE!!!! MOM!!" all day long..

Toys for Tots this year was okay. I was able to find a few things for Odin and Persephone. A sit and spin is his big gift, I think he'll like it. I was surprised the weight/age goes up to 5 years old. And I think we lucked out and somehow got the one that doesn't have music and flashing lights! We've wanted to get one for years but didn't want the craziness of the ones we saw. This one is just a Sit and Spin. The end! (I haven't opened it yet so I'm only going by the box...)

There were a couple Littlest Pet Shop toys, and a small Lego set. I opted out of picking out books and stuffed animals because the books would be doubles of what we already have, and the stuffies just take up a lot of room. (and I won't use stuffed animals that aren't brand new because of our bedbug nightmare from years ago. It really limits my thrift store shopping in a major way.)

If it tells you anything about the year at TFT, I found a yellow matchbox car. I was so happy! Because not only was it yellow, but it was the only matchbox car I had found in the whole place. Finally! In the bottom of the last box I had gone through.

I worry though that this year will be difficult with Persephone because she's older now. And I wasn't able to buy much for her. Even though the girls don't have much, I had been saving things that people gave me over the past year.. neighbor hand-me-downs, gramma's boxes of goodies, halloween gifts and candy that was never eaten. It'll appear that the girls have more. I'm hoping Odin and PJ will have enough to keep them happy. We have never gone overboard with gifts, but this year was the first year I've sat down with the kids and talked to them about it. I told them this year would be a little different than the past, because the things they want are more expensive, and.. well.. we just can't afford to get everything they want. They nod and smile and say, "Don't worry! Santa will take care of it Mom." and not another thought it given. If only it were that easy girls..if only..

I used Amazon to buy the few things I bought. I'm sure it wasn't the best most kid friendly move, but I bought books. Yep. I bought several. I consider it an investment because they are special books. An Ordinary Girl, A Magical Child, The Autism Acceptance Book, Ed Emberley's Complete Funprint Drawing Book, Aidan's First Full Moon Circle

Brand new books about autism, Paganism, and a cool art book. I think they'll be really happy with them. Sure, we could borrow them from the library, but we read books. We really read them. And now that Ivy can read very well, she is going to just eat these up! All those questions she has about herself and autism and about our religious beliefs. Questions answered!

Also, to go along with the new books about Paganism.. the girls are both getting tiny little pentacle necklaces. Its a very big deal to us because its their very FIRST pentacles. :)

I found a set of Ty beanie babies of the Wonder pets. And I found tuck on a fly boat. Those are Odin's two gifts. The Lego sets are to all of them. I was also tricky and didn't let Odin open his other gift that came in early. His weighted blanket! Its got Cat in the Hat on one side, and Blues Clues on the other. He will love it! I'll take a picture of it as soon as he opens it. I can't wait to see his reaction. We've been wanting a bigger weighted blanket for him with cat in the hat for a long time! (Of course it was made by Dreamcatcher Weighted Blankets just like Ivy's was. I love them! I have never been disappointed yet! 4 years later and Ivy's blanket is still like its brand new. And she still uses it! I'm actually seriously considering looking into whether our state insurance would pay for an adult with Asperger's to get one. I think it would be really helpful.)

Sierra of course went out with her grandmother.. er.. great great aunt? I don't know what relation she is anymore. Heh. Either way, they always go out shopping and thats what they did. I think she got me something really nice, but I have to wait until tomorrow to find out! I'm pretty sure she got some balls, a few sleds, and some of those lalaloopsy dolls.

So in a few hours the grandparents are coming over. (Yes, they made it up for Christmas!) We'll be doing gifts to and from them, and also our secret Santa gifts from the kids to each other tonight before bed.

I have no idea what kind of Christmas this will actually be because the kids are acting up horribly and Chris is, of course.. sick.

I've gotta chug my coffee and get ready for the day. Grandparents will be here in two hours and I still have 4 naked kiddos bouncing around the house. I hope they enjoy the day and make some yummy sugar cookies for Santa!

Merry Christmas and Blessed Yule to all my blog readers! I hope you have a wonderful evening and day with your children, and remember.. no matter what you have wrapped.. its the time and love you have for your children and your friends and family that really matter this holiday. I have several friends that don't have a tree or any gifts this year, and I know how it feels to wish you could do more..  but just remember.. its what is inside your heart that truly matters. Honest. I wouldn't lie to you. Make the most of what you have, and feel blessed! Because you are. <3