Starting Over Again..

(This blog post was written in the middle of February, but I'm only now getting a chance to post it. Make sure you read the edit at the end! :)) 

It was bound to happen eventually. A square peg just doesn't fit into a round hole. I've been trying for the past 4 years to make it fit and it's been an uphill battle. Who is the peg? Myself, my husband, my daughters, my son.

A group shot facing the sun. The first real spring day

If you look back through the archives of this blog you'll see that back when Ivy was a baby my intention was 100% unschooling. I bought books. I researched. I planned (to not plan) and I had so many hopes and dreams as a family.

What happened to those? I've been lying to myself, holding onto hope that the peg will fit. I'm not sure why, but I do know that I was afraid to rock the boat too much.We're already Eclectic Pagans, I had natural childbirths, I co-slept, I practiced child led weaning and extended breast feeding. I wore my babies in a sling and held them until they were asleep. I didn't do formula or jarred baby food. I don't go to church. I didn't have an epidural.

What do we do? We sing. We do arts and crafts. We cook and garden. We read books and go to the library. We go swimming at the YMCA and go to Spiralscouts. We go on nature walks and explore. We write poetry and make up stories. We make clay and sculptures. We grow herbs and dry them. We watch the science channel and the discovery channel, and even the history channel. We watch Spongebob too. Lots of Spongebob lately. We play computer games and research on Google. We blog.

Except those things all went to the back burner when school started. Now we try to squeeze in activities but there isn't much time. And im always anxious about making sure they have clean clothes and perfect hair before they leave. When they come home they are a mess of emotions. They're tired and don't want to do anything with me. Vacations are the only times that i can see them learning at home and loving it. They relax enough and that desire and passion returns.

We went puddle jumping and jelly fishing ;)

The turning point for me, was finding out that the school has been forcing Ivy to wear a pressure vest against her will at school for the entire day. This has been going on for months and I had no idea. I was appalled and shocked. They took something that was a positive tool that she loved and even asked for, and they forced her to wear it. They took her power away and created a battleground instead. No wonder why she didn't want to wear the vest at home! No wonder she was always jumpy and agitated. The slightest mention that she was a bit energetic and she would get so angry and defensive. And now, I know why.

I'm heartbroken that the school allowed their teachers and aides to do that to a child. Appalled that even after I told them, you may NEVER force my child to wear it if she doesn't want to, they called her to the OT and they tried to coerce her to wear it and promise them she would. She was told, "you have the choice, but you HAVE to make the RIGHT choice to wear the vest. There is only ONE choice that is

right."

I made the decision to pull her out of school and we are now legally homeschoolers. Though whole life learner, delight driven learning or unschooling is where we fit into the best. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to write about our learning on this blog or a new one or even if we can separate it because it's just how we are. Learning happens all the time, it's almost impossible to make it fit into a neat box and call it learning time. What I suspect is, my life will be more full and happy as we have more time to spend with each other. I can't count the number of times I've said,"maybe this weekend we'll have time" and I hear all the kids start to cry. And personally there are so many bonus's I can't even list them all. I have autism. I don't fit in with other parents and I've felt guilty and sad because Piper expects me to do what the other moms do. I'm filled with so much shame because I haven't yet volunteered in her classroom. I'm stopped with fear when I think about doing it. So much sadness and shame, guilt and tears. I don't want to force myself to do what I've been doing. I'm burning out from the social connections I've been forced to keep. Less energy I've had for the kids, lost because of another IEP or another email from the teacher. The daily notebook filled with negativity.

Ivy is so much happier at home

I will probably always regret not following my passion and keeping my kids close to me. They grow up so fast, hold on. Love them, learn with them, explore with them, grow with them, and trust that they will learn what they want to learn when they need to learn it. Trust.. So much is about trust..

  
*Edit: Its now the middle of March 2012 (St. Patrick's Day to be exact) and things are going very well for us. Ivy's mood is so much happier and I'm more relaxed. We are officially homeschoolers, and I plan to keep the rest of our clan out of school as well. This, is truly a new beginning for us all. We are finally pursuing our real dream. Our original goals. Our life. Hopefully I'll still find time to blog about it because I really want to share this journey with everyone. I am still a disabled mom (though I hate the term) and I struggle with my autism and anxiety daily. Our children all have unique special needs, and my husband still has his own adhd and bipolar issues. We are a family that is robust, loud, and chaotic.. but we're finding a happier rhythm since we've taken back part of our lives that school took away. The calm is visible even to outsiders. This change has been so positive for us and I'm looking forward to blogging more about it!

Goodbye 2011, Bring it on 2012!

I've written and re-written this post several times today and I finally have realized that celebrating the new year and reflecting on it is something that I don't do very well.

I want to show appreciation for the things we have, the things we have been able to do and all the ups and downs in life, but when I'm put on the spot I can't do it. Perhaps maybe it has something to do with my memory and my inability to recall things the way others do. So while you're reading my next tangent, keep in mind I suck at writing and reflecting.

I know that this year was better than the one before it, but not by much. It wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be, but nothing ever truly is. My expectations are always so high that even I fall short most of the time. But just like soft teeth, color blindness, hyper flexibility and autism, my high expectations are deeply rooted and not easily changed. Its who I am.

Autism itself has changed a lot of things in my family this past year. Some of them have been surprising changes. Like the communication between my oldest daughter and I. Knowing now that having Asperger's is the reason we're different than other people, and one of the biggest reasons we are so much alike has been a blessing to us. Instead of feeling alone, we both have taken to texting each other when we have a need to be understood. Sometimes our conversations are lighthearted and fun, and other times we end up discussing some really deep things. Some of my happiest moments as a mom have come from these conversations. When your child says something to you, and you can hear yourself in what they say.. (and its something good..) the proud realization that you have shaped a human being is felt. This year was filled with so many of those moments that I can only guess it means she's growing up..

This year was one of forgiveness and moving on in my life. I won't say that the moving on part has been completely finished, but I'm trying my best to wake up each day with a smile. If there would be any resolution to keep, or attempt in this new year it would be to live more for myself and to choose happiness over sadness. It seems simple enough but its really difficult for me.

What makes me happy? This.

I get caught up in the every day stress of who is watching the kids, who is cleaning the house, doing dishes, cat boxes and laundry, appointments.. and to be honest, the answer is almost always "me."  I've been stuck in a battle against my husband and I'm guessing this battle won't ever be won fairly enough to make it worthwhile. So I'm going to try to resolve that those jobs are simply mine. It isn't fair. I don't think it ever will be. So instead of fighting and trying to make it fair, I need to figure out a system that makes me the happiest. Because this is my life too.

I don't have all the answers. I only know that I love my children with and without autism, and that I love my husband with and without his issues. I don't want to leave him because I have dishes to do. I don't want to feel unappreciated and walked on either. I want happiness. And being totally honest with myself.. I want control while simultaneously wanting someone else to take control. Someone else that is capable of it. And that someone else doesn't exist. So like it or not, its on my shoulders. How can I be happy with it?

How can I make each day a happy day no matter what? Is it possible to become happy even if our marriage isn't "fair"? With so many naysayers telling me that divorce is the only option, I've shut people out of my life even more than usual and I want to change that as well.

I want 2012 to be a year of honesty and happiness from the inside out. I may not be able to change the things that other people do and say, but I can change my outlook. At least I hope I can anyway.

Are you in control over your own happiness? Does it come naturally to you or did you have to work at it?

While I try to cheer myself up from having a horrible day with the kiddos (Ivy's hyperactivity is driving me crazy to be honest.. I'm considering medication.) we'll be eating overpriced Chinese food soon and celebrating the end of 2011 and welcoming in 2012 by watching the ball drop. (its so boring to me but.. its tradition) I hope your family is as blessed as mine and you're able to find happiness every day no matter how small.

I also hope that I'm able to take my own advice at least once in awhile. ;)

Happy New Year folks. <3