Hot Hot Hot in the City

Yesterday was the hottest day of the summer so far. It was about 100 and so very muggy. I found it hard to breathe most of the day but tried to deal with it the best I could. Sierra had Spiral Scouts today and they were supposed to do a Litha celebration at Deering Oaks Park. They decided not to actually do one though as most of the kids were hot and cranky. So they played some games and then went wading in the water hole they have there.

I'd NEVER been to this park before and I was pleasantly surprised! So much in fact that Chris and I are now considering moving there. If we could get an apartment that was close to this park then we'd be happy. There was so much grass and woods, and that water thing was too cool. Made me feel like a real inner city person. LOL Though it would be the biggest city I've ever lived in and thats a bit scary for me. Before I never ever ever EVER considered it. After today though, I saw how diverse people were there and for some reason that is very appealing.

Maybe it has something to do with how I've been feeling about the people in my life lately. Evaluating friendships and wondering whether they are worth keeping or not. So much of my life revolves around drama other people cause and I'm really worn out from it. I'd rather just cut myself away from that sort of thing, and yet I know I won't find many friends that don't have at least a little drama that surrounds them. It's human nature I suppose.

Seeing African Americans, Asians, and Caucasians all in one place is something that doesn't happen where I live, and yet in this place it does. I even saw six women that don't shave their legs and let it grow naturally while I was there. SIX! Around here I was the freak girl for not shaving. And I'm ashamed to admit that while it was just an experiment for me to see how long I could do it, I did cave in and shave about two weeks ago. A friend (one whom I'm wondering if I should remain friends with) made several comments about how my legs were hairrier than a mans, etc.. and for some reason it really bothered me. I expected more support and understanding from someone who was supposed to be a friend. I felt shamed, and consequently I shaved. I'm still shaving. I'm happy that my test of faith lasted as long as it did. Nearly three months! I'm proud of that. I just wish I didn't have a weak moment at the end.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the diversity..
Not only were there women with hairy legs, and different ethnic groups there, but several babies that were being cloth diapered!! I've NEVER seen anyone cloth diaper around here. Course I don't go around checking out whats in childrens pants to see, but no one ever talks about it either. And here were SEVERAL babies clearly wearing cloth. I was amazed! I even think I might have stared at bit.... in hindsight probably looked like I was judging them, but I wasn't! I was really happy to see it! (Mental note: watch how I look "happy" next time. I'd hate to come off as looking like all those other people who condemn diversity)

We played for quite awhile in our "ghetto" water hole, which was a concrete sorta wading pool filled with flowing water. It even had those little water fountains spurting out in places that the kids thought were so cool. The kids had a great time.

Afterwards we packed up, came home, and then all went swimming at the river. It was HOT out today! We had a good time though. It was a good day. Sometimes I think we don't have enough "good days" that we remember. I want to remember this one. =)

Blogger Freaks Out

I had a really long post here, but I tried to use the new picture adding tool and my template freaked out. I spent the last 5 hours fixing it. Word of advice, forget the new tool and keep doing pictures the way you were. Less headache.

I'll try to add my post from today, tomorrow.

*Edit* So guess what? It was all Bloggers fault! Yup, no surprise there really. What irratates me is that they couldn't even put up something on the page about there being an issue. I finally found out by searching for the problem I was having and was able to put in a bit of extra code to work around the Blogger issue. They said it would be fixed "soon." So hopefully these posts are coming through now instead of coming in waaaaay down....
....
.... there. --------> where they DON'T belong.
Gah! Hours wasted fixing something that wasn't my fault to begin with.

High School Ways

I've come to realize that a lot of the people that I spent time with and tried hard to be friends with are simply not worth it.

I'm on a few email lists for witches in the area, been on them for years. They've evolved and merged and seperated. All the normal things that complicated email lists do. I've made a few good friendships from them. The kind where I can call them up at 10pm and just shoot the shit. I'm very glad for those. Then there are the ones were I try really hard to be friends but for some reason we just clash, or they are simply oblivous to the fact that friendship takes work.

I'm tired of the childish cliques (is that really a word?) It seems this one person is always trying to be with the "In" crowd, and there is no in crowd here. We're all adults just trying to make new friends and have others to get together for rituals with, and grow with. She jumps from one person to another and says she loves unconditionally, but yet she never really gives her all. You can literally see through her and know that she's fake. Its a sinking feeling really. We've all tried talking to her but its useless. She really cannot see how she is to others. She makes plans with one of us, but if something better comes along she drops us cold and makes up some excuse. She starts wars between people on the list, and gossips far more than even I ever did in high school.

It is mentally exhausting and tiring. I wonder sometimes why I even try to get involved in the Pagan community. Then I remember the friends that I did make. They are true friends. Grown up's even! (insert eye roll here)

I figure if something doesn't change soon I'm just going to go back to being a hermit. High school was a bad enough experience for me. I thought I graduated already...

Full Calenders

It never fails. As soon as June rolls around, the hermit type person that I was all winter long seems to come out of hibernation, because the wall calender fills up extreemly fast. Friends that want us over for BBQ's, kids that want to go swimming, fireworks displays to enjoy, and beaches to walk on in the sun. So many things scream out to be enjoyed and seen! Is it any wonder that more people enjoy the summer months than the winter ones? I know it seems that I literally change into a different person when its warmer. Seasonal Affective disorder? Perhaps. I think a large percentage of people in the world suffer from it.

So I've been doing a lot lately. My daughter turned 7 years old last week. Its hard for me to even think about how long its been since she came home from the hospital wearing those itty bitty diapers. She's definatly growing up so fast. We had a nice party for her with a bunch of friends at the local swimming place on the river. Swimming has got to be her favorite thing to do. That and gymnastics. A good friend of mine made her two gorgeous cakes topped with animals everywhere. They were so yummy!

In just a few more weeks my youngest will be turning 2, and we'll have to do the whole cake/party all over again! Sometimes I wish their birthdays were closer so we could combine the two of them. A month and 1/2 is still too far apart to do it sensibly I guess..but oh how I wish! I just don't enjoy the party planning things. They seem to cause this mom a bit too much anxiety!

My first OB visit went wonderful, and I still have to scan the ultrasound pictures so I can put them up here. Right now they're tacked up on the fridge so I can look at them everyday. My little sprout in there just growing away. I felt so relieved to know that there was a heartbeat and all was well. Hopefully we can make it just a few more weeks til the second trimester and I will feel even more relieved. The morning sickness lasted for about 2 weeks and then has left me be. I do have to eat constantly though or else I get a bit queasy. I have a ton of food aversions that change daily. It makes it hard to grocery shop for more than just the moment! The OB told me I hadn't gained any weight yet at all. I'm 160 on the dot. Thats very odd for me, but hey! I'll take it! But things have been going so differently this time around that I made my husband seriously think about boys names, because I have a feeling this one is male.

I like Zachary now, but I don't think he likes it much. He aggreed, but is still not enthusiastic about it. Piper is still the girls name. Middles names we're suddenly iffy on. Its amazing how a little time can change your perspective about things! I thought we were set on names a year ago!

The only thing that is plauging me in this pregnancy so far, is my sciatic pain is back. And so early too! My lower back, and tail bone seems to literally be so loose that I already hobble when I walk. It hurts so much to sit and then stand up, and I've already almost fallen because of the pain in that area. I wasn't expecting it before the second trimester and I'm a bit frightened at how much worse it will get.

Well, the baby is annoyed that she's trying to nap in my arms while I'm making this horrible typing racket here, so I'll wrap it up for now.

Happy Midsummer everyone! I hope you have a blessed Litha. My family will be joining a few friends for a circle and BBQ (of course!) tomorrow night. I hope your family celebrates in some special way. )O(

The Sun is Out!

Finally! Some sun has come to town! After nearly 3 weeks of rain I was beginning to wonder if we secretly living in Seatle or something. It was horribly gloomy for days on end. And wouldn't you know it, now that the sun is out and shining and I can finally get on my shorts and tank tops, I'm sick! Another dratted sinus infection that- surprise surprise, you can't treat while pregnant. This makes 3 sinus infections in the past year alone. What's going on?! I NEVER had one in my life, and now suddenly they're back to back? Grrrrr. So now I get to sit and look at the sun, but I'm too misrable to enjoy it!

I'd like it marked on your calendars that I was awake and showered before 9am, and also got the house cleaned!

I guess even if I can't go outside and enjoy the sun, I can open the windows wide and pretend right?

All is well on the pregnancy front. My first ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday and I'm pretty nervous. Hopefully we'll see a heartbeat this time. Cross your fingers for us!

Good News and a Warning

And I haven't written in so long that I'm ashamed! I think I've been avoiding writing because I promised myself that I would only write the truth if I posted. And the truth, isn't always easy to come out and say.

First, I want to tell you about my news! On Beltane (May 1st) my dh and I recieved a wonderful gift!

Yup! We're expecting another baby due January 6th! We're so thrilled to be given another oppurtunity. Honestly though I've been reserving some of my happiness just in case I miscarry again. I haven't really been scared of bleeding, or loss of symptoms of anything like that because for me thats not how I miscarry. Usually there is no warning at all for me. Just no heartbeat when we go to the OB's. So, natrually I'm apprehensive about going to my first appointment. I will be so relieved when I hear the heartbeat for the first time.

Okay, on to the yucky news. Remember that job that I was hoping to get? The one that started out as volunteer work online helping pregnant women? I found out that for the past 6 months I've been taken for a ride. Yup. It was all fake. There were never any pregnant women that needed help or coaching. Never any midwife in AK. It was all just some sick person who was hoping for easy pictures of naked women. Someone who got off on "pregnant play."

I don't think I have to tell you how sick I was when I found out. I cried for days. Not only was it a humiliation, but it shattered a dream that I had for myself. I thought I was truelly helping these women and it felt good to be a part of that. And to find out that it was all someones sick game? It hurt a lot. And I was ashamed to even write in my own blog because of it. I didn't want to admit to anyone that everything I had been trying to do for the past 6 months amounted to nothing more than a porn movie for some pervert. But I realized that in order to stay truthful to myself, I needed to admit the truth here too. In my effort to help others and the feeling of being needed, I became too niave and I let myself get taken advantage of.

I found out that I'm not alone in this either. I was able to locate another women who had been "helping" out this supposed midwife as well. We traded IM chat transcripts and they read exactly the same. We found more women that were "helping" after that... and I shudder to think of how many more there are out there.

My last coorespondance with this midwife who goes by the name "Linda Tanner" and her friend "Carol Huggins" was to demand that I get documentation of who she is, and her midwife identification license number for Prudhoe Bay, Alaska. I asked that it be sent express so that I would get it within the week. She said it was no problem, and I never heard from her again. That was over a month ago. I fully expect that she will no longer attempt to talk to me, because she knows I've found out too much.

In hindsight I should have gotten all that information before I ever helped her out. When stuck in what appeared to be an emergency situation, I felt compelled to help. That was my first mistake. Though I can't change what happened, in an odd way I still feel good about what I thought I was doing. My heart was in the right place, no matter what they tried to twist around. And I am very proud of all the effort I put into it.

My main goal now is to make sure that this doesn't happen to anyone else, which is why I posted names and alias's. Some Yahoo ID's she used were adbbirth, carolhuggins454, midwife1776, nadjadillion, headfirst222 and I'm sure many others. The way it works is one ID she will pretend to be a pregnant woman usually teens or early 20's who is either pregnant and wanting to talk, or in labor currently and looking for support because her midwife isn't there yet. Then "Linda" or "Carol" will come on and help the baby be born. Later on, they will use the womans ID as their own claiming that they are borrowing it. This pattern repeats until a new ID name crops up. Generally they will deleate the old ID's quickly.

I know that when I was first suspicious I googled the web looking for the names or ID's or even this sort of thing happening. I wasn't able to find anything about it. Its my hope that if anyone is approached to help online, they will google the name first and come up with this blog entry. I'd like to be able to keep others from being taken in by this person. They lie well, and prey on your want to help out other women. If you use Yahoo IM and you have an interest list, they target women who are into certain things. Pregnancy and family, breastfeeding, birthing.. etc.. Thats how they know you'll be a willing and knowledgable target. So if you can, take those interests off your list or at the very least, be aware that this type of fraud does exist. They might not have gotten any credit card information, or social security numbers, but they took a part of myself that they didn't have permission to take. I don't wish that on anyone else.

So, there is my cleansing admission. I hope that anyone reading this can look beyond the, "Wow, what an idiot" and see that I was blinded because I wanted to help so badly. I have definatly learned my lesson, and it was a hard one to learn...

Yay!

Sierra is back from Florida! I am so happy! Its odd though. I had thought I'd feel a bit jealous that her father got to experience that with her and I didn't. You know, the normal "I'm missing out on my daughters life" feelings. But I don't feel that way at all! I'm so happy that she had the oppurtunity to go, and I can't wait to hear all about it! I guess its a bit of personal growth for me. =)

This week has been very rainy and generally blaaahh here. I was so looking forward to the sun coming out, but it looks like it won't be for a few days at least. Poor Sierra! Coming from sunny Florida back to this! She said, "Can't we move to Florida mom? Its so nice there!" I promised her that spring was just around the corner. We've already changed the clocks. Too bad my body is NOT used to it yet! I thought I woke up at 9:30 today and was dissapointed to see that I didn't at all. I wasn't up early! I was up late! Bah!

Well, I should get going to clean up the house a bit. I'm sure dh will want to play WoW later and I like to have everything all picked up before I sit down again. =) Have a wonderful day everyone!

Soggy Spring

Its soggy outside. Exactly how my sinus's feel again. I can't wait until spring is all the way here, and summer is just around the corner. I can't wait until the grass is green and I can stick my toes in it! All this snow and rain gets depressing after awhile. I used to be one that loved it, but as I get older it seems I like the white stuff less and less.

So I've rescheduled the baby's doctor appointment again, because we're all feeling crummy. She's the happiest one out of all of us! I just hope she can stay out of this round of sickies. My washing machine broke for good the other day, so cleaning up after her puke fests are going to be a lot harder. We should be able to rent a new one in a week or so. In the meantime, the clothes are going to pile up. Not to worry though, they are neatly tucked into a corner by the now- out of commission washer.

Been taking a little break from playing WoW lately. Catching up on life in general in other ways. *GASP* Life outside of an MMORPG??! Yes! It can be done! Even us hard core addicts do take a break from the screen sometimes. That said, I finally hit 31 the other day with my druid. I'm still enjoying the game, but as usual I've been waiting for Dh to catch up to me with yet another new toon he decided to roll as his main. All in all, the game still far surpasses EQ2 in my opinion.

So what did everyone do for Ostara? Sierra and I colored eggs together, and got a few ceramic bunnies to grace our altar. We talked about spring and fertility and all that good stuff. We don't do Easter here, but we do a Spring basket instead. Ours is delayed a bit because she's in Florida with her father at the moment. She gets to celebrate Ostara by a trip to Disney! Lucky duck! Last time I talked to her on the phone, she said it was very hot there and that she was having a lot of fun at MGM Studio's. I miss her a lot, but I have another whole 2 weeks before I'll see her again. Its the longest we've spent a part in her entire life....so, its tough.

Well, I'm going to go enjoy my cup of coffee before it gets cold!

The Challenge

I'm going to try to push myself a bit here in the next few weeks or months. I'm doing what I affectionately call, "an experiment." And really it is. I got to thinking the other day, while I was in the shower. Sierra came in while I was shaving and said, "Mama? Why do you shave your legs?" I stumbled, stuttered and finally settled on, "because its just something girls do." It satisfied her, though she gave me a funny look. Then I realized what I had just done. I just told her that girls had to shave, "just because." And the sad thing is, I don't have a reason! As girls, are we taught that its right to shave? Proper? Unclean if we don't? I know for myself, I wanted to be like all the other girls I saw. I didn't want my legs hairy anymore because the other girls laughed at me. And of course, the underarm hair was next to go. It was years before I touched sissors or a razor to my pubic area. But boyfriends all made comments if I was stubbly at all anywhere. "Don't you think its time to shave!" and "Look who's got 5 o'clock shadow!"

Fast forward to today. I'm a grown woman who shaves because society says I must. Because people look at women who are hairy in disgust and horror. I'm glad to say that I am married to a man who loves me even when I'm all covered in stubble. Being hairy hasn't ever bothered him. So why, I ask myself... do I still shave? Conditioning? Habit? There isn't any personal reason why. I mean, sure being smooth feels nice. But for me that feeling smooth thing doesn't last more than a few hours. My hair growth is fast! And time? Who has time to shave every single day?! I sure don't with two kids.

And then there's the message that I'm sending to my daughter. The big ole double standard message. Yes, hair is beautiful but only when its on your head. Yes, men don't shave but women should. Why don't I just force her to play with dolls, and never wear pants?! That's NOT the type of mother I am!

So the challenge that I've given myself, is to not shave. Not my legs or my underarms. Who knows how long I can do it, but I am giving myself permission to still trim the pubic area and trimming in general is okay. I will even still pluck the one single stray "wisdom" hair that grows on my chin. But taking time out of my busy day, just to remain hairless will not happen anymore. Spring is approaching. Its getting warmer out. Can I withstand peoples looks? Will anyone even care? Have I made more out of it than it really is? Perhaps no one even cares about leg hair anymore. Or maybe its the underarm hair that will get the most looks. Either way, I thought long and hard about who I am as a person and a mother... and I didn't like the answer I gave my daughter. The next time she looks at my hairy legs, I hope to be able to tell her how much nicer it is to NOT shave. I want to share stories with her about how women long ago didn't shave and it was considered beautiful and mature. I want to create a positive role model for her. Not one wrapped up in arbitrary rules that society has laid out for us.

I've always marched to the beat of a slightly different drummer, but I never realized just how crunchy I really am until now. And it feels good. :-) I've never found a message board online that really felt "like home" until the other day. This one is definitely it.

The Sickies

Yes, we are all sick. No no..not sick in the head. Well, okay maybe just a little. But I was referring to the hacking cough and the fevers. The migrains and the stiff necks. Yes, the whole family now has what my kids call, "The Sickies." Do you hear the sound of impending doom? Yup, those are the sickies. They might get you next you know...

So thats my reason for not updating lately. Alright! Fine! Of course I haven't been sick the whole month, but I've been really busy.

First, the car needs to be registered and inspected at the end of this month. The muffler is busted and needs to be replaced. We find out the muffler is a special one for California Emissions testing and it will cost over 800 dollars to fix it. Oh bummer. Then we find out its covered by warrenty still. Yay! Then we have it looked at again and find out that that "particular piece" isn't covered at all. Oh bummer. It will cost over 400 to fix it. Bummer again. So instead of trying to find the money to fix it, that we don't have... we found someone who would take the car for a trade in. The day before we went to trade the car in, my neighbor who I do not get along with backs into my car! Bummer or Yay? Turns out its a Yay! We traded the car in for a much better one. Its a 97 Pontiac Grand Prix so its much bigger than the little one we had. Everyone is so comfy in it! And the insurance agency calls and tells me they send out a check for 300 for hitting my car! The one I already traded in!

Many candles lit later, it all has worked out. For weeks I was pretty worried honestly. I just can't be without a car. Granted I don't drive it much myself, but I have to pick up my daughter every week. I NEED it.

So now we have a car, and Sierra was here for the week. I thought we might get to do some fun things. Course money is tight because we just spent the rest we had for the month on the car! Turns out we didn't need it anyway because Sierra gets sick only a day after she gets here. She got the flu. I somehow managed to get through the week with two sick kids, while feeling like crap myself.

As far as the doula business... I think I've almost lost count. I'm pretty sure its 12 births so far. Though my brain is starting to get foggy and run them all together.

Well, I gotta get something to drink... hot chocolate..that sounds good. Buckling down for the storm we're getting again tonight!

Oooh! The mail came! Guess what I got? The check from the insurance! Yay!