It was really late last night when I got an IM from the midwife. Apparently she was bragging about me to some of her midwife friends and one of them asked to borrow her " internet doula." I guess she had a really young client that could benefit from some support. I told her if she wanted to pass my contact info out she could.
Turns out the girl was in labor right then and they wanted me to help her.
I wanted to. Goddess knows I did. It was almost 3am, the baby was crying, I was still exhausted, and there was no way my husband was feeling well enough to deal with the baby at that hour on his own. To add to the chaos, the DSL kept going out because of the storm we were having.
So I told her I couldn't do it. She assured me it was okay, and that life happens.
Never before have I felt that guilty for not being able to help someone else. I wanted to be able to help that girl have a better birth experience than she most likely got. I'm still not sure I made the right choice a day later. The problem with this is, there's simply not enough of me to go around.
I love this job. Don't get me wrong. It's just been so many years since I've had a job where I'm not just "Mama." I've been having trouble keeping up with the housework, because I've been so tired. Part of the issue I think is that I'm on call instead of having a 9-5 job. And lately there has been no warning whatsoever. The other day I got up, didn't even have a chance to get dressed and *BUZZ!* When it was all over it was just about time to go to bed again. I didn't even have a moment to get something to eat the whole day.
So obviously I need to get some things organized. I need to eat. I need to shower. I need to pee occasionally. Lately there hasn't been a time where I'm noton call. That's also hard to deal with. Its been 3 babies this week alone! Thats a lot of time spent in front of the computer committed to helping. The women though... they are so grateful! I would never willingly just give this up. Its too special and too important. I've just got to prioritize and streamline. That's all. I can do this. I want to make a difference in other peoples lives.
Tell me I don't sound like a cheap self-help book? Please? lol
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Doula Gone Wild!
And baby number 5 is a ...GIRL!
I got up yesterday thinking that I really needed to rest today. The flu that Ivy has finally got to the rest of us. dh feels like crap. I feel like crap..and go figure.. Ivy is feeling better. I'm not sure if that's better or worse! lol
So I sit down at the computer like I do every morning with my coffee (cause I have no life) and one of the moms IM's me. She's not due for another 3 weeks but she's been having pains she says. This girl is 16 years old and stubborn as hell. It was hard to talk with her because she has this shell she puts up so people think she's tough. She would have sat there all night on the IM telling me she's fine when she wasn't. So I had to do a little detective work. Asking her how she was, and then reading into her responses. She was having contractions, but the thing is.. we were trying to tell whether they were Braxton Hicks or if they were early labor contractions. She can't tell. I'm not there. The midwife is over an hour away. Finally I email the midwife and tell her that my gut says this girl is in early labor. Her contractions were in her lower back and not so much in the front. That to me says "labor!".
The midwife writes back for me to find out if she's in pain or not. This is not an easy thing, for reasons I've already stated. First I decide to breathe with the girl through a contraction. I acted how I thought she would be acting really, not how she *says* the pain is. She maintained that the pain was only a 2 on a scale of 1-10.. but that my breathing with her did help. (clue) I told her that I thought the pain was more a 3 or 4. She said, "Okay." (clue) As more time passed she got more quiet in her messages to me. They came more infrequent, and never during a contraction. First 7 minutes apart, and now down to 3 minutes apart. This was defiantly the real thing. I emailed the midwife and told her to head on over. About an hour 1/2 later the girls water broke, just minutes before the midwife showed up. Shortly afterwards she was pushing. It was a long 2 hours of pushing. (for both of us) My husband also had a long day because he had to take Ivy into the other room to play. (over the gate) because she was being an attention hog. Its hard to push and breathe when a baby is climbing in your lap.
Finally the baby's head was born. We pushed together for about 15 minutes. Way too long for just the body to come out. The midwife said the shoulders were stuck. Things started getting frantic, and they were trying to get the mom to put her fingers in her vagina at the bottom and pull down while she was pushing. The students (in training) would push on the moms belly, and the midwife would try to corkscrew the baby around so the shoulder would get unstuck. The mom wasn't doing it, so I had to show her how. Quick second thinking in a moment of an emergency, and I didn't have to think twice. Now my boobs have been on the camera before, showing new moms how to breastfeed, but never anything else...ya know? I do my "birthing" in a long tee-shirt and undies. But I whipped the undies to the side and showed the mom how to put her fingers there and push at the same time. Luckily the baby was out in one long push! I was a bit worried, because I know it needed medical attention just to be sure.
The midwife wrote me this morning and told me the baby is absolutely fine and it was a great job. That's boys=1 and girls=4 Girls in the lead! ;-)
Now, I am totally feeling like shit. The flu has hit me hard and I'm hoping I'll have a few days to get better before the next one. I cannot believe I've helped deliver 3 babies in less than a week! THREE!! That just blows me away. If this keeps up I'm going to need an office with a birthing bed in it! Hahah! That would look kinda funny. lol
I got up yesterday thinking that I really needed to rest today. The flu that Ivy has finally got to the rest of us. dh feels like crap. I feel like crap..and go figure.. Ivy is feeling better. I'm not sure if that's better or worse! lol
So I sit down at the computer like I do every morning with my coffee (cause I have no life) and one of the moms IM's me. She's not due for another 3 weeks but she's been having pains she says. This girl is 16 years old and stubborn as hell. It was hard to talk with her because she has this shell she puts up so people think she's tough. She would have sat there all night on the IM telling me she's fine when she wasn't. So I had to do a little detective work. Asking her how she was, and then reading into her responses. She was having contractions, but the thing is.. we were trying to tell whether they were Braxton Hicks or if they were early labor contractions. She can't tell. I'm not there. The midwife is over an hour away. Finally I email the midwife and tell her that my gut says this girl is in early labor. Her contractions were in her lower back and not so much in the front. That to me says "labor!".
The midwife writes back for me to find out if she's in pain or not. This is not an easy thing, for reasons I've already stated. First I decide to breathe with the girl through a contraction. I acted how I thought she would be acting really, not how she *says* the pain is. She maintained that the pain was only a 2 on a scale of 1-10.. but that my breathing with her did help. (clue) I told her that I thought the pain was more a 3 or 4. She said, "Okay." (clue) As more time passed she got more quiet in her messages to me. They came more infrequent, and never during a contraction. First 7 minutes apart, and now down to 3 minutes apart. This was defiantly the real thing. I emailed the midwife and told her to head on over. About an hour 1/2 later the girls water broke, just minutes before the midwife showed up. Shortly afterwards she was pushing. It was a long 2 hours of pushing. (for both of us) My husband also had a long day because he had to take Ivy into the other room to play. (over the gate) because she was being an attention hog. Its hard to push and breathe when a baby is climbing in your lap.
Finally the baby's head was born. We pushed together for about 15 minutes. Way too long for just the body to come out. The midwife said the shoulders were stuck. Things started getting frantic, and they were trying to get the mom to put her fingers in her vagina at the bottom and pull down while she was pushing. The students (in training) would push on the moms belly, and the midwife would try to corkscrew the baby around so the shoulder would get unstuck. The mom wasn't doing it, so I had to show her how. Quick second thinking in a moment of an emergency, and I didn't have to think twice. Now my boobs have been on the camera before, showing new moms how to breastfeed, but never anything else...ya know? I do my "birthing" in a long tee-shirt and undies. But I whipped the undies to the side and showed the mom how to put her fingers there and push at the same time. Luckily the baby was out in one long push! I was a bit worried, because I know it needed medical attention just to be sure.
The midwife wrote me this morning and told me the baby is absolutely fine and it was a great job. That's boys=1 and girls=4 Girls in the lead! ;-)
Now, I am totally feeling like shit. The flu has hit me hard and I'm hoping I'll have a few days to get better before the next one. I cannot believe I've helped deliver 3 babies in less than a week! THREE!! That just blows me away. If this keeps up I'm going to need an office with a birthing bed in it! Hahah! That would look kinda funny. lol
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Changes
Yes, thats what it looks like! I'm redoing my blog. As it turns out the wonderful bamboo template I was using isn't going to be compatible with Foxfire anytime soon. Looked great in IE, but alas... I wasn't willing to switch back just for the sake of a pretty looking blog. Nope!
So for awhile things are going to look pretty messy here. I wanted to get it fixed today and ahh...actually fill in those links over there ------>
But my daughter said she'd like to eat something today and can I please cook for her?
So I'm off for now. Don't get lost in all this mess while I'm gone! ;-)
So for awhile things are going to look pretty messy here. I wanted to get it fixed today and ahh...actually fill in those links over there ------>
But my daughter said she'd like to eat something today and can I please cook for her?
So I'm off for now. Don't get lost in all this mess while I'm gone! ;-)
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Witches Weekly Questions for Jan 1st
January 1st, 2005 Witches Weekly Questions:
Do you have any Winter Solstice traditions?
For so many years it was just myself practicing, and I did whatever felt right to me at the time. I've always done a private ritual at night that includes a whole lot of candles flickering in my home. Now that I have two children and two cats (one who is fascinated with batting flames) I've had to cut it down to just one candle. I'm still working on incorporating my rituals into ones my kids can participate in as well. I'm sure it will be years before I settle on one particular way, if ever. None of us are morning people, so we don't rise with the dawn to welcome the day. Instead we take some time enjoying the sun when we do get up and thinking of all the ways the sun helps us and the earth.
How do you feel about the more secular form of the holiday, with presents and Santa Claus?
This is a tricky question for me. If things were the way that I really wanted them, my children wouldn't celebrate with "Santa" the way many others do.
I have taught my oldest about the stories behind "Santa." I think the original thoughts behind it are wonderful. Teaching her about caring, loving, and giving is something I try to do all the time. I don't agree with how commercialism the whole season has become though. It actually makes me sick to my stomach to hear all the "Santa" talk and presents this and presents that. I think it definitely takes away from the spirit of the season if you aren't careful.
All that being said, my oldest daughter spends half of her time with her biological father. They do celebrate their christmas with the "Santa" figure. My oldest believes in "Santa" and I can't just dispel her beliefs in one single sentence. "No such thing as Santa hun, sorry. Pass me the salt please." I need to wait until she is ready to hear the truth, and then I will be more than happy to tell her. Right now she still expects "Santa" to leave presents at this house too, so reluctantly I'll admit, he does. But he doesn't leave more than a present or two. The rest of them come from her step-father, me, and her sister. I don't like some guy in a red and white suit taking credit for all that I've done. ;-)
So, my youngest will have some "Santa" influence in her life. Even though I'd rather not have it that way it's difficult to say, "Santa only comes for you Sierra, not for your sister." She just wouldn't understand.
I guess you could say that we got sucked into participating in the whole thing. I would rather just have him be a guy that was really nice and good a long time ago. The spirit of him lives on.
The whole reindeer, sleigh, and coming down chimneys? Nah. I don't encourage those myths any. I find them rather silly. I also don't take my children to get pictures with "Santa."
People have argued with me that children need to have some "magic" in their lives. I think my kids have plenty of that. ;-)
What is one thing that is etched into your memory about this recent holiday season?
Only a week or so before Yule I experienced my second miscarriage. I was 12 weeks along and we were going to include the good news in our Yule cards. Finally we could share it. Finding out that our baby had died already, waiting it out, and in the end having a D&C done only a week before the holidays... it was very hard. I had to force myself to be happy for the kids and to find the good in the season. Fake it til you make it! Eventually the cloud did lift, and I was able to enjoy myself. Some days are still hard, but it does get easier every day. When I think back to December 2004 I will always remember the little dream that I was forced to give up.
There are happy things though. The look on my youngest daughters face when she opened a few gifts that were about "Teletubbies". (her absolute favorite) She kept smiling and babbling, "Ubbies ubbies ubbies". My oldest had to get used to not "helping" her sister unwrap presents. And I think she was just as excited to watch her sister unwrap them as she was to unwrap her own. That sisterly love bond melts my heart every time.
Witches Weekly Answers from the past
This previously was posted on the side of my blog, but I wanted it to have a more permanant home here in the middle. If you haven't read it yet, it might help you get to know me better. :-) I will be posting my answers to the January 1st questions soon!
Witches Weekly: Which book has influenced your path the most and why?
I'd have to say "Circle Round" by Starhawk, Diane Baker and Anne Hill. When I was focusing mostly on myself and my spiritualism I read a lot of books that were helpful and wonderful, but when I decided I wanted to involve my children in the path of the Goddess I found it much harder to find information. "Circle Round" has been the best book for that job! It's helped me to weave Wicca into everything we do as a family and made it so much fun for my kids.
What person has influenced your path the most and why?
My grandmother. Without a doubt she was the most loving, earthy, understanding witch that I've ever known. I'm glad I was blessed with her nurturing for 15 years. I am who I am today because of her.
Why are you pagan?
It just feels right for me! When I am separated from the earth, plants, water, growing things, I experience depression and unhappiness. I grew up on a farm where we were thankful for everything the earth gave us. I've been pagan all my life. Though I spent time in a Christian school and walked that path for quite a few years, it was never *me*. This feels like home to me. I am proud to be Pagan and proud to be Wiccan.
Witches Weekly: Which book has influenced your path the most and why?
I'd have to say "Circle Round" by Starhawk, Diane Baker and Anne Hill. When I was focusing mostly on myself and my spiritualism I read a lot of books that were helpful and wonderful, but when I decided I wanted to involve my children in the path of the Goddess I found it much harder to find information. "Circle Round" has been the best book for that job! It's helped me to weave Wicca into everything we do as a family and made it so much fun for my kids.
What person has influenced your path the most and why?
My grandmother. Without a doubt she was the most loving, earthy, understanding witch that I've ever known. I'm glad I was blessed with her nurturing for 15 years. I am who I am today because of her.
Why are you pagan?
It just feels right for me! When I am separated from the earth, plants, water, growing things, I experience depression and unhappiness. I grew up on a farm where we were thankful for everything the earth gave us. I've been pagan all my life. Though I spent time in a Christian school and walked that path for quite a few years, it was never *me*. This feels like home to me. I am proud to be Pagan and proud to be Wiccan.
Monday, January 10, 2005
It's 2005 for the whole year!
Happy New Year! (a tad late but you can't say I didn't wish you one) Our family stayed up really late watching movies and eating complete and utter junk food. My oldest looked really funny at 12:30 in the morning with bags under her eyes. I'm not sure she even got to close them before she fell asleep, she was that tired. Hey, she's the one who wanted to stay up so badly for new years. So I thought, "Why not?" We all had a good time anyway.
I found this while surfing around tonight and thought it was very interesting.
20 Year Archive on Google Groups: "Google has fully integrated the past 20 years of Usenet archives into Google Groups, which now offers access to more than 800 million messages dating back to 1981. This is by far the most complete collection of Usenet articles ever assembled and a fascinating first-hand historical account."
It's hard for me to imagine that the internet and Usenet aren't really that old. It seems like they've been around forever. When my ISP shut me off last year (come on, cable is damn expensive!) I almost had a heart attack. I simply cannot remember a time when computers and the www was not here. And what do I do without them! Now don't get me wrong.. I'm a pagan and I love the simple life. As long as that includes a computer with internet access. ;-)
On the homefront, today was a good day! I had a nice chat with the local Spiral Scouts leader and it looks like Sierra will be starting with the local circle in a few weeks! She'll be so happy to hear that. We were supposed to go to the meet and greet last weekend, but with the storm we got that day it just wasn't possible to drive up there. The roads were horrible, and we were already plowed in anyway. So I sent her an email and she was nice enough to call me and tell me how everything works. She sounds very nice and I'm looking forward to getting together with them!
Being a pagan parent its really hard to find groups or circles that accept kids in them. This is a major issue I have with the pagan community as a whole. I want my children to be involved. I want them to learn all they can and participate in spirituality and life. My children want this as well and indeed my oldest asks all the time if we can go to a circle or learn something new about pagans. She's interested and willing and yet the community doesn't accept children like they do adults. That's why I'm thrilled that Sierra will get this chance to be around other kids who are pagan like herself.
Well, its time for me to go throw a load of towels in the washer. Ya, its late..but hey, its fun to annoy the downstairs neighbors.
I found this while surfing around tonight and thought it was very interesting.
20 Year Archive on Google Groups: "Google has fully integrated the past 20 years of Usenet archives into Google Groups, which now offers access to more than 800 million messages dating back to 1981. This is by far the most complete collection of Usenet articles ever assembled and a fascinating first-hand historical account."
It's hard for me to imagine that the internet and Usenet aren't really that old. It seems like they've been around forever. When my ISP shut me off last year (come on, cable is damn expensive!) I almost had a heart attack. I simply cannot remember a time when computers and the www was not here. And what do I do without them! Now don't get me wrong.. I'm a pagan and I love the simple life. As long as that includes a computer with internet access. ;-)
On the homefront, today was a good day! I had a nice chat with the local Spiral Scouts leader and it looks like Sierra will be starting with the local circle in a few weeks! She'll be so happy to hear that. We were supposed to go to the meet and greet last weekend, but with the storm we got that day it just wasn't possible to drive up there. The roads were horrible, and we were already plowed in anyway. So I sent her an email and she was nice enough to call me and tell me how everything works. She sounds very nice and I'm looking forward to getting together with them!
Being a pagan parent its really hard to find groups or circles that accept kids in them. This is a major issue I have with the pagan community as a whole. I want my children to be involved. I want them to learn all they can and participate in spirituality and life. My children want this as well and indeed my oldest asks all the time if we can go to a circle or learn something new about pagans. She's interested and willing and yet the community doesn't accept children like they do adults. That's why I'm thrilled that Sierra will get this chance to be around other kids who are pagan like herself.
Well, its time for me to go throw a load of towels in the washer. Ya, its late..but hey, its fun to annoy the downstairs neighbors.
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