Perpetually Alone

I've been having a hard time finding the time to sit and let my thoughts out. It seems there are always dishes to wash, laundry to fold, and kids that are crying and need attention. If anyone that is thinking about starting a family finds this blog, please know that having children is rewarding and fun.. but very hard. Sometimes it can fill your soul, othertimes you lose yourself.

I believe a big factor in which way you end up is in the support system you have around you. Then theres the little things that make or break you. Are your children developing at the "normal" expected rate, or do they have delays or gaps? Special medical situations? What about you? Are you "normal"? So many of us are nowadays, if the term "normal" is to be used. I've never been able to define what it really means myself...   For this purpose, do you have depression? anxiety? ocd? autism? medical issues?  What about your relationship? Single parent, or married, divorced?   Now I want you to put those big issues aside and think about all the tiny details of having children. Right now they're dreams, and you sigh when you think about them. Well someday you'll be crying. I promise. No really! I'm not trying to be a downer. Just a realist.

You will make choices that you will question. Nearly every single day. And if you're a good parent, you'll agonize over those choices. You'll beat yourself up until no can even recognize that you're under there anymore. Under that Mommy hat. The one you take off less and less the more kids you have and the more years that go by.

I wrote a post years ago about losing myself, and trying to find it again. Sometimes I wish I knew how much other mothers go through. I wish I had someone to tell me to sit down and stop cleaning. (Other than my husband who doesn't do much of the cleaning at all.) I wish I had that support system that other people seem to have (and ironically don't want.) You see, I can't just sit down and relax. I can't put my feet up and just let life happen, because I have such a hard time feeling calm and together when there is chaos. And with 5 kids there is a lot of chaos!

Its 9:52 in the morning and I decided to try to write this blog post. One child was coloring, one was playing the PSP, one was watching Spongebob on the Ipod Touch, and another one is watching daddy play the PS3. Everyone was relatively calm. So why can't I feel calm enough to let the dishes sit in the sink? Why do I feel like the laundry MUST be folded? And why do I put those feelings onto other people? I wish I knew.

Everyone would say its because I do the bulk of everything in this house. I'm overwhelmed and frusterated. My husband should do more. Things should be 50/50. And I agree. But I don't know how to accomplish that. I'm not him. I can't make him do anything and all those little things about leaving dishes in the sink until he does them, etc.. they don't work. He really will just wash what he needs and go about his day. Somewhere along his childhood, he didn't learn responsibility. I know a lot of parents that don't seem to be parenting. They aren't present, they aren't THERE. they're off at the bars, or gambling, or texting, or facebooking or playing video games. For them, the laundry can and does wait. They don't worry about money or how to keep a coat on their kids in the middle of winter. I know, because I see their children in sweatshirts in December, shivering at the bus stop.

So why then, do I feel that I need at least SOME of what they have? I don't know. I feel like I don't have balance over my life. I wear that Mommy hat all the time and I don't ever get to take it off.

I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if this situation is normal. Does EVERY married woman do all the chores, and take care of the kids 100% of the time? We can't be the only couple that has this issue. I'm the ONLY woman with issues, married to a man with issues, that has kids?! .. That can't be true. Yet it is. I don't know.. it just seems that things are never as easy as other people. Yet I know that isn't true either because my children don't have severe medical issues, and their other issues we are working with..   Others have it far worse than I do. It seems to come full circle to support. I have no one to talk to, no one to complain to, no one to cry to, and no one to look to for advice or love. Once upon a time I had my husband. Like all good things though that, for the most part.. has come to an end. He's here. But he isn't really.

So just what is the connection in this blog post? How does all this rambling add up? Well it doesn't. Its disjointed, disconnected, rambling, incoherant at times, and downright confusing. It is exactly like my life is.

I promise there is more to me than confusion and sadness. I simply have a hard time accessing it right now. I need people around me that are positive supports, and at this time I have no one except a handful of people willing to listen in texts. I need real life. I need coffee and talking. I need someone to help organize my spice cupboard and clean my clutter with me. I need someone to listen to  my last fight and remember how funny things were 10 years ago.

I started this blog years ago as my own way to open up and have validation and support. Oddly enough people read but rarely comment. I suspect there is a certain voyerism to listening to me vent. And of course, there is the disjointed part. Maybe people wanting to know more about what its like to have autism, or parent children with autism.. will be the ones to understand this blog the best.


I contemplated deleting it the other day, but I decided for my own sake not too. ... but I find it pretty telling that even on the internet, with the potential to reach millions.. I am still alone. I don't know if anyone reads my posts or even cares. All I know is I feel so lost and so overwhelmed, and so alone all the time.

The Disconnection

Is it too much to ask that he shows me kindness when he speaks to me? I feel like I'm always struggling to keep up and be with him. I'm always a pace behind. A little too fast, or a little too slow, but never are we matched in our steps anymore.

We're under the same roof, that's true. Years ago I never would have heard him say, "that's better than nothing" or "Ya what more do you want?" and yet that's what just came out of his mouth.

I'm counting the minutes down. He'll either apologize before bed, or he'll do it tomorrow sometime. If he remembers. Most likely he won't unless I bring it up. No matter how many times I tell myself that I won't bring it up, because I know he doesn't care.. I bring it up. I tell myself over and over, that I can be strong and sit here in silence. I can't. I can't stand the passive aggressiveness.

I can't just let things go either. I can't just move on without processing things. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it normal to be this confusing? And is it wrong that I don't feel confused by it myself? It seems to be met with resistance by everyone. They want me to either outright forgive them, for me to be sorry so they can forgive me, or they want me to just move on and forget about the whole thing. Everyone else does this. In fact, I haven't met one single person that doesn't. I seem to be the odd one that needs to connect and for things to be worked through. Don't let the sun go down upon your wrath. Don't ever go to bed mad. Don't leave words unspoken. Never let a sunset go down whilst angry, or leave it for the morning as one never knows if the sun rise will come again. Cherish every moment. Yadda yadda.. you get my point. Those are burned into my brain. I am anxiety ridden when presented with no end to what feels like madness to me. I am frantic in my efforts to fix and rectify the situation. I am desperate. I can feel it. Grasping at something. Anything. I can feel myself turning in my head like some bad B movie, panning in closer and the room spins.

He walked by and kissed me on the head just a second ago. Nothing was said. Just like I knew would happen. Its expected that the argument is now over. And I must now "move on." Regardless if I'm ready or willing to. I'm not ready to. I'm confused at why it feels like I'm chasing him looking for attention. I want his moods to stop dictating how I feel. I want to smile and ignore it. I want to have fun despite him and whatever he's feeling. But I want that connection back.

We played a new video game the other day, and for the first time in awhile, we had it! We smiled. We laughed. We shared. We talked about something other than the kids and money. We had fun! The next night was the same, but it was a little less.. like the newness was wearing off. The night after I asked if he wanted to play and he ignored me. I asked several times. Then I let him know that I was willing if he wanted to. He played his game by himself instead, and later claimed he never heard me. The night after was the same. Eventually I stopped asking because it felt like a rejection. (its why he ignores me instead of saying "no thanks." because he feels as long as he doesn't actually say anything, then he hasn't rejected me)

Its like we've lost some connection we had before. Was it because of his injury and the surgery and healing time? Was it because of his subsequent painkiller addiction? Is it because I feel some anger and resentment for that time period? It was one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through. The addict was not a happy person, and it was a scary time. Is it because of his ADHD and/or medication or lack of? He is constantly changing it, or missing a PA, or forgetting to take it until its too late. I feel like I have to micro manage him most of the time, and I don't want to.

Is it me? Am I being too needy? Am I wrong in thinking that we ought to talk once in awhile? We literally sit in silence most nights. A laugh or two about what the baby is doing but essentially that's it. When I'm feeling down, I try to reach out to the one person I have as a friend. Lately he hasn't been responding back in a way that is helpful. Usually he isn't responding back at all.

Tonight he told me, "Most people have friends to listen to them. You need to get friends." Seriously? When we got together, we didn't have friends. We both understood each other and knew that that whole friendship thing was something we both struggle with. And we found comfort in each other. I know a lot of that was the "falling in love" part and eventually it would dull, but it seems that I've lost my best friend in that process. I wasn't ready for that. Its been nearly 9 years. How does a relationship suddenly fall apart? I fought so hard to keep it together through so many bad parts.

Ya, I know other people have friends. I've never had friends. I don't have other friends now, at least not normal friendships. I have one friend from high school that still talks to me, but our lives have always been slightly different. She finds it hard to relate to me, and I find it hard to be misunderstood. We are friends on the phone only. Even though I've tried to make our friendship more. I've tried to get together for lunch, or suggest we BE more.. she is content the way it is. I think she once suggested that we just weren't that type of friend and that it was okay! I tried hard not to let it show that I was disappointed.

My sister in laws are sister in laws. One of them I don't even talk to.

My mother in law is the closest I have to a best friend, if I don't have my husband anymore. At least she understands me and gets me. (quite possibly because we were friends before becoming in laws. She is my age, my father in law.. much older.) So I hang onto every chance we get to talk, but she lives in Tennessee and we don't. So our friendship is limited. And even if she were here, I think it would be limited because she's now my mother in law. There are rules and lines I can't see drawn there.

I have several people that count as friends, but are still somehow not.. We feel closer than acquaintances, but yet don't act like true friends. I'm chasing a childhood dream of friendship and I don't even know what I'm doing.

As you can see, that's the friend line up. Thats it. There are no others on the outside, or close contenders. There are just, people I call my friends but don't really feel like it.. and my husband. And after tonight's comment, I think its safe to assume that he wishes I wouldn't share so much. "I know you're telling me how you feel. You're *always* telling me how you feel." was the line that hit home.

It doesn't seem fair. I want my husband I fell in love with back. I want my best friend. I want to be happy. For now happiness eludes me just as much as friendship. I'm not one for the silent treatment, or long periods of discontentment. Its why this whole thing bothers me so much. I can't resolve it on my own, and according to him there are no problems. I wish there was consistency. Can't I wish that things were more stable? One minute I'm on a pedestal (that I don't believe I deserve) and the next minute I'm a nagging bitch that does nothing but yell at him. (his words) Yet if I address the issue to try to figure out where I went wrong, he back paddles and says he didn't mean what he said and nothing is wrong.

I am confused most of the time.