New Look For My Blog

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. (sorry x-DH I know you're disappointed) I have been busy trying to find a new template that works with the new Blogger since the beta-thats-no-longer-beta broke mine. And finally, here it is! Yes I know I could have used one of Bloggers templates, but none appeal to me.

A real post coming soon. I'm off to nurse DD back to sleep.

Far Away- World of Warcraft

My World of Warcraft Movie

My Freaky Pet Day (not a school essay paper)

Okay, yesterday was the oddest day I've ever had. Totally bizzare.

Magick (my big black cat) was missing, and we could hear him meowing out back but couldn't find him. We took out the entire storage twice, and its a freaking mess now. Still no cat. We took off the sheet rock out there, no cat. Finally we were able to tell that the sound was moving. Sure enough, he was stuck behind the wall. The wood wall. Ya know, the one the house is actually made with? LOL Apparently there was a small hole out there in the back room that he fit into, but couldn't fit OUT of. We had to take off some of the wood out there and he popped his head out. It took nearly 7 hours yesterday to rescue him. I was so worried he would die in the walls and we wouldn't be able to get him out.

(Magick before he got fat and huge)

Then, at about 3am Ivy woke up screaming. She pointed to the tv and said, "A wolf! A wolf!" and was hysterical. (we sleep in the living room right now) I thought she was dreaming and calmed her down and told her to go back to sleep. A few minutes later something touched my foot and jumped on the couch next to me. I saw a tail, thought it was a cat... then KNEW it was not. It slithered. It ran. It was too big to be a mouse (which we do have, but the cats kill them pretty well)

So I grabbed both kids up and ran out of the room screaming like a maniac. I guess my brain knew what it was even though I was freaking out. It was a ferret. Yes, a ferret. And no, we DON'T have one!!! I woke Chris up and he came out. The ferret ran into the bathroom and we closed the door. We got an old gerbil cage we had and put it inside of it. Ivy has no idea what a ferret is, never seen one so she's screaming "A SKUNK!!! AHHHHHHH!" and even I'm jumpy. I mean, it crawled across our bodies at 3am ya know? LOL

I went downstairs to the only neighbor in the building I wasn't sure didn't have one, and knocked.
"Do you have a ferret?!"
"Uh, ya. why?"
"Your ferret is upstairs in my house!"
"huh?"

Apparently they let it roam loose and couldn't find it. It had gone through holes and whatnot, from the second floor right side, to the third floor left side. Ugh. I hope it doesn't happen again. I finally got the kids back to sleep an hour later. I'm still creeped out. I don't like ferrets and I don't like this neighbor either.

So my question is, was there some sort of pet zodiac thing going on yesterday? Something not lined up in the stars right? Cause it was the most freaky pet day I've ever had!! LOL

The Marriage Penalty Woes

I have had time to post. I just haven't. I figure the honest response is better than the typical "my life has just been SO busy lately!" The past few weeks its been getting so cold here. I suddenly realize why old people move to Florida. Something does happen to your body as it gets older. It starts to rebel against the cold winds and the impending snow storms. Its a sign I'm definatly aging. Born and raised in Maine, I no longer look forward to winter like I used to.

So what have I been up to aside from moping about the weather? First and foremost, I did cut my hair. Money became tight this month so I chopped it off myself. Its crooked and uneven and honestly looks pretty bad. Goddess willing I'll be able to have the money next week to get to the hairdresser and get it cut how I want it. I'm still going super short! (why, when I'm freezing as it is.. I'll never know.) Technically I had the money to get it done this month, but I just couldn't justify spending the money on myself. Yes, I'd rather walk around with crooked hair all month than feel guilty because I used the precious money on myself.

And precious money it is becoming!
/rant on

Social Security sent me a wonderful letter on my birthday telling me I had an appointment to come in because I neglected to tell them I had gotten married... over two years ago. Umm... no. I went in two weeks after I got married and let them know. I changed my name and updated my social security number. The whole thing. I called them and they pretty much called me a liar. I explained that they sent me a letter telling me that my husbands benefits would be cut in half because of the marriage penalty, and we awaited the change but it never happened. Again the woman didn't believe me. Lo and behold, the amazing woman that I am.. I was actually able to find the piece of paper they sent me two years ago. And I found it while I was still on the phone with them! I read it to her, and she said, "Oh.. umm... bring it in to us please." Ya.. I thought so. Their mistake. Apparently they had forgotten to merge my husbands and my accounts together so they never actually cut his check. I haven't heard anything official yet, but I'm willing to bet money that they'll cut it come November.

After two years of living with the money we had, we'll be forced to give a few things up. Now realize, we don't have a whole lot. So this feels pretty darn unfair. Nothing has changed. We've lived together for almost five years. The only thing that changed was a piece of paper and suddenly we're expected to be able to live on almost $4oo.00 less a month than we currently are. There goes the tv. I'm damn lucky the car just got paid off. (the old crappy 97 Pontiac I have) and who knows what else will go since there isn't much else we have thats "luxury." No, in fact.. there are only two other things.. my internet connection (forget it jackasses.. I'm NOT giving it up) and my subscription to World of Warcraft. (Yes, I'm an MMO nerd. Deal with it.) Thats all I have. No magazines, no gym memberships, no dinners out every week, no cable tv. Hell, I've even got a crappy self haircut to save money. So yes, I'm a bit miffed about this "penalty." I don't think it makes any sense and I don't see why they penalize for a piece of paper when it changed nothing. No other program penalizes for marraige, in fact.. others give back for marriage. Thats the US government for ya.. Oh! You're poor? Well then, we'll have to penalize you for things that we don't rich people. Its only fair after all..

Meh..
/rant off

Halloween festivities have been happening this week. I was able to take the girls and the neighbor kids to the Halloween party at the community center. They had a great time, and Ivy even won a special bag of prizes because her costume was "so wonderfully cute" the woman said.

Other than hunkering down from the cold, and doing Halloween things.. not too much has been happening. Personally I'm in a bit of a lull with this weather. Not run down tired feeling, but a bit apathetic. I'm trying to keep connected with the kids and not space out my entire days. I make sure to squeeze in enough ooomph to paint or do play doh with them. Some nights I just hit refresh on my Gmail account and stare. Hows that for pathetic confessions from cyberspace?

Myspace has been a fun place to read. I'm not sure why I go there, except maybe a faint tiny hope of changing some of those parents minds about how they treat their kids. I'm pushy. I try hard not to be rude, but after sitting through post after post about how people just "lock the door and turn off the monitor so I don't hear him scream. Yay! Now I can sleep at night!"... and "When my daughter is bad, I spank her butt. Its not going to hurt her. She's 6 months old and knows how to make me mad."... Sometimes there are no words to say. No polite ones to find. All I can muster on those nights is, "I'm sorry for your children."

Yes, I'm a rude bitch. I'm a "breastfeeding Nazi" and a "tree hugging hippie." I will not apologize for how I raise my children or how many mistakes I see parents make. And yes, beating your kids and leaving a 3 month old baby to scream all night alone.. ARE mistakes. Sadly they are not being made because the mothers are ignorant. No, they are very informed and just choose to take the "easy" route. They choose to be neglectful and abusive. And boy are they mad at anyone who suggests they are! I haven't come to the conclusion of whether I should just drop the nice route and straight up say it how it is.. or keep on trying to be nice and polite even when I don't feel like it. History shows I'll probably keep taking the higher road, but oh.. it would feel sooo nice to be like them for once.

Can't... take it.... must... cut....hair..

My last pregnancy was the first one I successfully got through without cutting my hair. For some reason I always feel this massive need to cut it off when I'm pregnant. Not last time! I made it! And 8 months beyond that too. I'm officially a dreadlock dropout now. I had them for 5 months. Naturally. What I learned is, my hair dreads wonderfully! Almost too well to do it naturally. It all wanted to dread together, and I spent a lot of time separating. I didn't mind a few congos here and there, but I wasn't really out to have a beaver tail ya know? So.. I spent the last week combing them out.

Yes, it really took a week. And about 6 inches of my hair cut off. I'll be getting it cut and styled next week, but for now it just grazes the top of my shoulders. Horribly crooked as well. LOL Hey, I never claimed to be a hair stylist.

I think I'm going for a short short look right now. Something along these lines.

What I posted on my mirror today

I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and a virgin.
I am the mother and the daughter...
For I am knowledge and ignorance.
I am shame and boldness.
I am shameless, I am ashamed.
I am strength and I am fear...
I am the one who has been hated everywhere
and who has been loved everywhere...
You honor me...and you whisper against me...
For I am the one who alone exists,
and I have no one who will judge me.

Attributed to EVE/LILITH, The Gnosis Archive

Our "Goodbye Summer" beach day

The nights are getting colder, and the days overcast. Soon the trees will have completly changed colors and before long, winter will blow in. This weekend was exceptionally warm and sunny, so we took advantage of it and headed out to the beach.

"Me time"

I've been thinking a lot lately about "me time" and how its changed so much in the past three years. I won't lie and say that I am so self assured, so together and so selfless that I no longer require "me time." The truth is, I would give almost anything to have an hour a week- hell, an hour a month, where I wasn't on the clock. I love my children, and I wouldn't trade my reality for someone elses fantasy even if it were dished out on a silver platter with a sprig of parsley on the side. All I need is some time to reflect. To feel. To go inside my own head, or not. To shower uninterrupted, or even soak in bubbles maybe. To read a book and glean more than one sentence in between screams of someone jumping on someone elses head. To wash my face in the morning and get dressed before my day, as oppossed to a rinse and throwing on something on my way out the door, kids in tow and late as usual.

Perhaps my choices are to blame for my inability to "do it all." Maybe if I had been more mainstream in my parenting. My oldest child was not nearly as demanding or time consuming. She was formula fed and sleep "trained" at 8 months old. By one year she was in a toddler bed and going to sleep on her own. Sure she came out, and I put her right back. I did just what all the books say to do. I cut off my emotions to do the "right" thing for her. When it was all said and done, I walked away with blocks of time that were all for me, uninterrupted showers, bubbles, time to be with myself, and guilt that followed me for years. Would I trade my soul and instincts again, just for that sought after "me time?" No. I wouldn't. The price is just too high.

So how do I get through these years sanely, knowing my parenting choices are whats standing between me and "me time?" When most of your friends and family think you're off your rocker to begin with for even doing half the things you do. Breastfeeding for not only a month, but three years and counting! Tandem nursing her sister and not forcing either to wean. Slinging them instead of putting them down. Attempting my best at Gentle Discipline instead of a swat on the rear for everything. Co-sleeping and encouraging family togetherness instead of actvities with strangers 7 days a week. Add the prospect of Unschooling into the mix, and there you have it! From the outside world I look completly insane. How do I keep those voices at bay? Am I supposed to want "me time" or was that supposed to be tossed out the window as soon as I took the narrow path of attachment parenting? How can you voice your frusteration for being on call 24/7 to friends who made the choice before their children were even born that "Children will NOT keep me down!" You can't. There is just no way to voice it without your choices coming back to slap you in the face. For once I'd just like acknowledgment that what I'm doing is hard. Not sarcastic comments like, "Well thats what yooooou wanted, so you've got to deal with it now." I learned a long time ago that I couldn't vent my breastfeeding frusterations to anyone because they simply didn't understand. "Time to wean!" they'd tell me. Eventually I just shut my mouth. Unless I was willing to submit to mainstream ideas, and throw in the towel- they didn't want to hear me vent or complain. And whining certainly was off limits.

Let's not forget the extreem guilt there is involved with even wanting to have "me time." I self sabotoage any time I might have by doing something that doesn't qualify as for me. Oh! The baby is asleep and the little one is playing quietly! I could read a book, or get dressed, or maybe watch the sun set. Instead I aimlessly wander to the laundry pile and start sorting. Or sweep the floor again. Or maybe one of those things on the list of "have to do's," like fill out a baby book (or two) that have been forgotten as life went by. Return a phone call I dread, but know I should. Something. ANYTHING! As long as its not "me time." To be honest I'm not sure I know what to do with it. It can't be too involved in case the baby wakes up. It can't be too messy in case the little one become uninterested in what she's doing. It can't be too loud. It can't be so engaging that I'll be upset if I'm interrupted. It makes perfect sense why I head to the laundry pile.

I love being a mother, and I'm happy with my choices in life that lead me here. Sometimes though I'd like time to be me. To take off the hat of responsibility and relax. That hat gets awefully heavy at times.


(Ivy and Daddy at her 3rd birthday party, and Piper starting to crawl)

Love is..

Tandem Moments

Tandem nursing Ivy and Piper. I will never forget the looks on their faces that day. The gentleness on their faces, and the way they shared what they love the most.
It might seem like an odd angle. And it is. I wanted to try something different though. I'm quite pleased with it.

This was Ivy's first meeting with Piper. I had auntie hold the baby,
while I greeted Ivy who had greatly missed me while I was gone the two days at the hospital. It was the very first time she had gone without nursing. She was eagar to have what she missed out on! I missed her so much while I was gone. This picture captured perfectly what I was feeling.

My very first attempt at tandem nursing, caught on camera. Can you see how nervous I was? A brand new baby, and a toddler who missed me so much.

There was never a more tender moment than that first nursing session with my girls.