Sorry, Wrong Box

Rejection and lonliness are overwhelming feelings. For as long as I can remember, I've never quite meant to others, what they've meant to me. Its hard to put into words, but its as if my entire being is a misunderstanding. Every time I find out a friendship isn't as important to the other person, or that it means too much but not in the right way, I'm confused yet again. Dave is in love with me, but now he's not. Roy is dying of cancer, yet rejects my offer to visit. Every time I thought I was in a category it turns out I'm not. Dave was family to me. Yet was secretly in love with me. You cannot unring a bell. I'll never feel the same way about him again. Its ruined. Roy means so much to me. But that chapter of his life is closed.

I feel as if everyone says, "I will love you how I want to love you." and nothing is ever mutual. I'm trying to balance so much and in the end I feel awkward and uneasy. I feel rejected and lonely. I try to stay on top of the depression, but my brain starts to think back and find every instance in my past where this has happened before. Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? Why am I always either being loved too much past the boundary line, or cast aside like a used tissue? Is this how friendship and family is supposed to feel?

It sucks to be honest. Everyone is finally feeling better in the house, and I can't get over this cloud of sadness. My jaw is stuck closed, so I've been on a liquid/soft food diet for weeks. I've lost a bit of weight because of it too. Thats the good part.  The bad part is the pain and stiffness and tension that I have on my face and head all the time. Pain medication and muscle relaxants are all that help me. I have appointments at UNE, I guess they have a TMJ center. I was scheduled for last week but I had strep throat and was completely out of commission. Now that I've had some antibiotics in me I'm feeling much better. The jaw however is not.

I should post this entry before something comes up and it never gets added. I have 5 or so already that are still drafts that won't ever be completed. I had to vent about my feelings today I guess. I feel worthless and lost. So many feelings discarded, switched. I feel manipulated and used. I dunno.. maybe I don't even have a reason to feel that way. All I know is, whenever I get comfortable with people and start to trust them.. they let me down. Whenever I think I'm putting people in the right catagories, at the worst possible moment they say, "Sorry, you put me in the wrong box." No I didn't. I put you where you were supposed to be. Why are you trying to change boxes? Why isn't anyone ever satisfied with what they have?

Persephone at almost 3 months

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Odin's Speech at 24 months old

Odin will be turning two years old in 17 days and I'm concerned that his speech is not progressing as it should be. He doesn't say any sentences except ones that were learned together as a phrase like "thank you" and "I love you"- He cannot copy after me when I say something, and if he manages to say a word, I might not hear it again. Its like he forgets. He also adds an "L" into his words all the time. The only question he asks is "Whatsthat" and it sounds like "wahdah" run together, no inflection at all. He doesn't actually converse at all, it's mostly just yelling at his sisters or saying random things from his favorite thing "Go Diego Go", For instance, if I ask him his name he'll say "Diego!" He has no response to asking him to make animal sounds. He can point them out if I ask him, "Show me the cow" but he doesn't imitate me saying them or tell me what they sound like. (with the exception of Llama. He does say that because he sees that one on Diego of course.)
Some examples of his speech are:

nay nup= thank you
nut= donut
ee= please
dago=diego
duh duh= anything else he doesn't know
et ee= empty
g low= playdough
et cho clats= santa clause
pone= phone
oooh= buddah
pen= money
mummy=money
klee= keys
glaa=soda
tloy=toy
no= snow
deritis= there it is
glacksin= michel jackson
ee=wee
nup= yup

woo=whale weeble=whale
ooh un=all done
ee all=snail
da=ducks
ah dun=my turn

dladdy=daddy
wee=swing

wee wee, mee mee, and winwe= windy

chloclate=chocolate (I'm actually impressed by that one)

up= help and cup

er= hair

jeb-brar= jaguar (from diego)

dop=stop

you=ewww

kliss=kiss (again an L)

jay tul= gentle

el come= welcome

tres=three in spanish 

quatro=four in spanish

poor=four

Pie po, pee po=Piper

Eye ee=Ivy

Eh a rah=Sierra

Geh=give

Do=two

Be=three

klee-dlup=clean up

et=hat

nee nah=banana

uh me=look at me

yo-k=are you okay

ah dun= my turn

If he doesn't know what something is, he responds with either something else, like exclaiming "Day go!" (diego) or by saying "Doh Doh" or making a hissing sound.
He does say some words correctly. Ball, Mama, baby, Daddy (sometimes… other times daddy is said with that "L" as in DLaddy"
He does get upset when we don't understand him, but it does no good because he simply repeats the word over and over again. If we ask him if he wants milk, he's just scream and keep saying "eeuck eeuck" which is what milk is I guess.
He says "yes" and "no" and they sound so much the same that I'm never sure. Most of the time unless its something about his tv show, I have no idea what he's saying until we go through the list of things he could want.
Am I right to be a little concerned? He is my first boy and I have 4 other girls that talked in sentences by now.Are these errors that are normal for a 2 year old?

I was reading about Apraxia and wondering if it fits that description. So instead of sitting here looking things up I decided to call CDS and set up an evaluation.

Ok. Banning drug references and hate messages on shirts in school i get. Making me drive to school to drop off jeans for my daughter because she wore pj pants today . .is ASS. It makes no sense and angers me. U suck BMS!

When Will Winter Be Over?

We're in the middle of a three day snow storm and I've about had it with winter! I know, I've said it before.. but I really haven't been enjoying winter much anymore. The older I get the more I desire warmer weather. Not only does it bring the cold and snow, but lately its been bringing sickness.

A few weeks ago we all recovered from H1N1 (the swine flu) Some of us were not hit very hard. (me, the hardy healthy one! heh.) And others were. Persephone had to be hospitalized in what was probably the scariest night for me. Two spinal taps, a catheter, blood labs drawn and redrawn, every exam in the book, xrays, .... on a 6 week old baby is not fun. No, I can think of a million things I would rather have been doing for those 4 days. But eventually she got better. Eventually we all get better.

Now only a few weeks later, and Ivy has been sick for two days. She's had a fever of 104 today, and been in bed since Thursday. Poor girl. She was so excited to go to school on Monday and show everyone her new glasses, but I don't think she's going to make it. Hopefully she'll be feeling better tomorrow but I think the fever will hang on. Chief complaints? Head pain, neck pain, stomach pain, fever, throwing up. I've had a headache for a few days now, sore throat and neck pain. Of course, me being mama I don't even realize I'm not feeling well until one of my kids tells me they're sick. Then I seem to take inventory of myself and say, "Hey... come to think of it....my head hurts too.."  I'm known for missing the obvious.

Hey Spring! Can you hear me? I'm done with this winter stuff. I'd appreciate if you'd come a little early this year. Yanno, make things green.. warm stuff up a bit. You can even keep it pretty chilly at 50 degrees if you'd like. Us Mainers will still be outside with shorts on anyway.

I'm going to turn in for the night. 5am comes early around here.

Pipers Scowl

Oh my. .

Piper and Her Snowman

Piper and her snowman!

Its Not a Fish!

Its Piper holding Persephone!

Almost the End of 2009

When you take a group photo of 4 kids six and under, its hard to get a good shot. Someone is either not looking, sticking their tongue out, wiggling too much, and completely out of the shot. This is the best one I got. I like it, even if Piper isn't looking. Again.

So Christmas is over. I know I haven't posted pictures of it. I will. But the tree is already down. I couldn't take it up anymore. Which makes me sad because I remember how much I loved the lights hanging up year round at the farm. I would stare at them and squint my eyes up, and wiggle my head back and forth. I'd watch how the lights would spin when you closed your eyes halfway. How they colors could all swirl into one. I'm not sure how no one knew I was autistic back then. Even to me looking back its pretty obvious. Oh what the power of the internet and google could have done 30 years ago! It would have made sense to my endless spinning. Even when I got older and played with my cousins, I'd manufacturer games that involved spinning. As I watch my daughter interact with kids, I cringe knowing thats how badly I interacted as well. I was bossy and demanding. I know why. I needed them to play the way I was playing because I already had it in my head. THIS was how the Barbies were going to play today. They had boyfriends and they were going to watch and movie. And pretend I said that I loved him. Pretend I was here. Pretend I was there. No! No! Not there! HERE! Uggghhhh over HERE! .... I didn't care what they wanted to do. I didn't like their ideas because I had already written how the playing was going to go. It was already in stone. You can't change that. ..... I watch my 3 year old struggle to play with Ivy because she wants to use her own ideas, and Ivy will have none of that. I've become a broken record; Let your sister play the way she wants to play Ivy. Let her use her own ideas please. Ivy stop telling her what to say. .. Eventually Piper gets tired of it and wanders off to watch tv, which of course leaves Ivy absolutely angry beyond belief because SHE WAS PLAYING!

I look at the picture above and I can see it. I love her to death, and the picture is adorable! However.. her arms are around both the baby and Odin, because then SHE is the one in control. I know her reasons. It helps to control the chaos in her head. It gives her consistency and helps her to know whats happening if she's the one calling the shots. But to others it appears controlling and bossy. And it often leaves Piper out..

One of my New Years Eve things this year... I can't think of the word I'm looking for. Promises... um...oh! Resolutions! One of my resolutions is going to be to make more time for Piper. To pay attention to her more when she talks and grabs my arm. She's the middle girl and she tends to get lost sometimes I think. I don't want that. I want her to know I love her and she's every bit as important as Ivy (chris and my first together and the one with special needs) and Odin (the only boy) and Persephone (the baby) and Sierra (the real oldest but different kid cause she has two homes) .... Piper just IS in all of this, and I want her to feel special too.

I'll post more later, PJ is fussing.

Persephone's First Christmas. 2009

On Our Walk

My Childrens Birth Stats

And finally all in one place, here are my childrens birth stats. Of interesting note: Sierra and Piper share the same day of birth, Odin is only one day off. Ivy and Persephone share the same birth weight, and Sierra and Piper share the same length. Record holders for weight, Piper! Sierra was the smallest. Piper took the award in length as well! Persephone took the award for shortest baby. Odin was the only baby born during the morning hours, and Persephone was the closest to midnight without going over! (why did I just hear the Price is Right theme song?)

Sierra Morgan 6-12-98 9:53pm York Hospital, York Maine
7lbs 4.5 oz 20 inches long
born 3 days past her due date (6/9/98)

Ivy Keriana 7-30-03 6:03pm Southern Maine Medical Center, Biddeford Maine
8lbs 11oz 20.5 inches long
born on her due date

Piper Anastasia 1-12-06 10:37pm Mercy Hospital, Portland Maine
9lbs 1.8oz 20 3/4 inches long
born on her due date

Odin Christopher 2-11-08 8:49am crowned on I295, Mercy Hospital, Portland Maine
8lbs 10oz 20 inches long
born on his due date

Persephone Jade 10-27-09 11:48pm Mercy Hospital, Portland Maine
8lbs 11oz 19.5 inches long
induced at 39 weeks (a week before her due date of 11/3/09)

Introducing Persephone Jade (PJ)

The last picture of me before induction began. 39 weeks.

I was induced October 27th at about 10am. They broke my water and let my body take it from there. I was confident labor would progress on its own, and it did! There were a few points that the nurses were miffed that I wasn't in enough pain they said, and talked about using Pitocin. I said no way! Just because I'm on the computer and laughing and joking doesn't mean things aren't progressing! I just have a higher pain tolerance for labor.

I had the laptop in front of me and updated constantly.

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Anastasia  Okie dokie... I'm leaving for realz this time. Its late, and I gotta get up early. After I shower and shave everything tomorrow, the hopsital better let me come and have a baby or I'm gonna be pretty angry... LOL

October 27 at 12:14am 

AnastasiaBirthing center is making me call them back at 9:30. Figures! Actually got up and showered and everything is set here at home. Bah.

AnastasiaWhoohooo! I got the laptop working here! All is well on the labor and delivery floor. They broke my water and contractions are picking up. Its all a waiting game now. I'll keep ya posted!

October 27 at 1:39pm

Anastasia Things are still going well. No baby yet. Fish chowder was good though! LOL

October 27 at 4:56pm

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Anastasia 3 cm's left to go. Come on baby! I ordered room service before they closed at 7 just so I'd have something to eat later... cause I'm good like that. LOL

October 27 at 6:48pm

Anastasia  My husband is having a hard time with things tonight. LOL I feel bad for him actually. He's tired, in pain, and just seems to be a bit fuzzy in the brain. I ♥ him so very much though. :)

October 27 at 8:50pm

Anastasia  8 cms! Making good progress. I feel like I have facebook fans cheering me on. LOL

October 27 at 9:14pm

Anastasia Alright... taking a POLL people! Will this baby be born in the next two hours and be here on October 27th, or after midnight and on October 28th??? Voting starts... NOW!

October 27 at 10:15pm

Anastasia Why is narcotic pain relief considered pain relief? It doesn't take away any pain at all. It just turns me into the chick that had a few beers at the hospital. LOL this birthing stuff is funny

October 27 at 11:07pm

Anastasia gonna try out the tub for a few minutes. Baby should be here soon.

October 27 at 11:35pm

Anastasia Persephone Jade was born October 27th at 11:48pm. We are doing great :)

October 28 at 12:28am

 

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Anastasia Persephone is 19.5 inches long and 8 lbs 11 oz with a 14 3/8th inch head size.

October 28 at 1:14am

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Anastasia  Pediatrician came, all is good with the baby. Eating my breakfast now.

October 28 at 8:51am

Anastasia  Persephone Jade. My blurry cellphone picture. LOL

October 28 at 10:41am

Anastasia 

Persephone Jade

October 28 at 11:25am

Anastasia I slept past lunch?! Oh I don't think so! I'm having that turkey club sandwhich!

October 28 at 2:50pm

Anastasia  Internet went down for awhile. That was a bummer. Staying here for the night so they can do the PKU testing on the baby. We'll be going home early in the morning cause I miss my other babies! :) waiting for dinner now.

October 28 at 6:30pm

Anastasia  My hubby is taking a shower, and I'm watching Ghost Hunters and thinking about re-heating my dinner and eating it. Beautiful baby girl is sleeping on the bed. Much better mood she's been in today. I ♥ her.

October 28 at 8:06pm

Anastasia  Chris is sleeping, and so is the baby. I have to wake her up and feed her so they can do her hearing test again. She keeps failing in one ear. They're doing vitals at 11 tonight, so its pointless to go to sleep before then. But man... 3 hours of sleep for the past 72 hours doesn't feel that great...

October 28 at 10:17pm

Anastasia Baby girl sucks her thumb! The first one to do that. ♥ I'm gonna have to wake Chris up so he can put her to sleep for the hearing test. She wants nothing to do with sleep as long as food is nearby. (me) Boy am I tired..

October 28 at 11:39pm

Anastasia We're home and settling in. The kids are meeting their new baby sister ♥

October 29 at 3:03pm

I never did make the jacuzzi.  Look at the time stamp from the last update on facebook to her time of birth. Literally my entire labor I was on the computer. LOL It was a good distraction. But boy did it make the nurses mad.

Our first picture together. The OB took it.

 Persephone nursing for the first time.

Hanging out in the isolate for a few. 

One of the hospital pictures.

A few days old at home. PJ has the most wonderful disposition even now at almost two months old. Even after our bout and hospitalization with H1N1. But thats another post! Hopefully I'll write a better birth story soon. Things are kinda crazy with FIVE kids. Whew.

Merry Yule! Happy Solstice!

Welcome to the family Persephone Jade!

 

Sugar Cookies

Sugar Cookie Icing
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This is the best icing I've found. I love it!

Ingredients

• 1 cup confectioners' sugar
• 2 teaspoons milk
• 2 teaspoons light corn syrup
• 1/4 teaspoon almond extract
• assorted food coloring

Directions

1. In a small bowl, stir together confectioners' sugar and milk until smooth. Beat in corn syrup and almond extract until icing is smooth and glossy. If icing is too thick, add more corn syrup.
2. Divide into separate bowls, and add food colorings to each to desired intensity. Dip cookies, or paint them with a brush.

Sugar Cookies


The best sugar cookies of all time!
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Ingredients

• 1 1/2 cups butter, softened
• 2 cups white sugar
• 4 eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 5 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt

Directions

1. In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Stir in the flour, baking powder, and salt. Cover, and chill dough for at least one hour (or overnight).
2. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Roll out dough on floured surface 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick. Cut into shapes with any cookie cutter. Place cookies 1 inch apart on ungreased cookie sheets.
3. Bake 6 to 8 minutes in preheated oven. Cool completely.

Persephone's First Month

Ivy and Persephone