Happy 3rd Birthday PJ

Persephone had a birthday party yesterday, she celebrated turning three years old. Gramma and Grampa came, and Auntie and uncle Matt, and cousins Sarah and Katrina, and some friends. She loved all her presents, her favorites being the stroller and dolls that we bought her, and the playdough from auntie. Gramma made her a castle cake that was yummy and pretty, and everyone had fun hanging out together and talking. It was a good birthday party.

The only one who was a little off was Odin. He's been a handful lately. I'm not sure if its just the age and transitioning or if it was the excitement of having auntie stay with us a few days and then a party. He has turned from a little boy into a BOY. The kind that likes to wrestle and fight. We have dubbed him the Parkview Strangler because his signature move he likes to do is to reach out and grab the offending person by the neck and toss them. We have started doing time outs a lot more. I feel like he's regressed some in his behavior and it makes me sad, but hopefully its just another phase that he'll grow out of as he matures. We're also going to be putting him into headstart so that he isn't as bored. I'm hoping he enjoys it and doesn't get himself into too much trouble there. He will be going with a few friends he knows from the neighborhood.

In her bathing suit as usual. She doesn't wear anything except that and her sandals AKA "Pretty shoes."  Auntie tried to get her to wear dress up shoes but she refused. I should sneak the bathing suit away to wash it soon come to think of it... 

At three years old she requests "a sandwich" and water all the time. She doesn't really have a favorite food, she's pretty picky just like the other kids. She does refer to herself in the third person, but so far I don't see any traits of autism. Nothing that stands out anyway. I do wish she'd stop screaming and yelling to get my attention. She can be brutal on the ears!

Homeschool no more

I've started to write a blog post for several months but I just couldn't articulate what I wanted to say. Its hard to admit that something you've tried isn't working as well as you hoped it would. It feels like failure. I know in my heart I made the right choices at the right time, things just change.



Ivy has matured so much in the time we spent at home. I pulled her from school last February and Piper stayed home from May onward. We had 8 months of together time. 8 months of bonding. 8 months of growing to do. In that time, Ivy has overcome a lot of her insecurities. She's growing up before my eyes. I used to have to intervene whenever there was a social issue but now she's solving many of the problems on her own. She's finally getting there!


Piper never really wanted to leave school but agreed to try it out at home. And for her it was difficult not being around her friends as much. She'll have the distinction of being the only child that doesn't have a Kindergarten diploma in the family. Thats right. I pulled her before the year was out so she never officially graduated. I do feel bad that she missed that experience but she doesn't seem to mind.

I don't remember exactly how the conversation came up, but I asked them how they felt about homeschooling and Ivy told me that she loved being home with me but that she also felt maybe she was ready to "try school again."

Piper of course was on board with that idea, and within days I was filling out paperwork for them to start back at our local public school district. I now have a child in 9th grade, 4th grade and 1st grade. And Odin isn't far behind, I'm waiting for paperwork from Headstart to come in the mail so that he can have something just for him. Now that its colder outside the kids don't want to be outside playing as much. I knew that would happen.
 

Being a parent is harder than I ever thought it would be. Its a lot like being a tree I think. Knowing how to bend and sway with the wind. Not falling down but being strong and able to change directions if need be.

At first I felt like a homeschool drop out. I still really feel 100% that kids don't need school especially when they're young. What I've learned is that doesn't necessarily mean some kids don't *want* it.  The biggest thing with Ivy that I've had to learn over this past summer, is to calm my OWN reactions down. When she comes flying in the house crying her eyes out and sobbing with some story of injustice done to her.. my first instinct is to freak out, be angry and protective. I've done this on a number of occasions and it did nothing to help the problem. Instead it caused fights in the neighborhood, other parents and I arguing back and forth. I learned that for Ivy, she escalates and it tailspins out of control. Its my responsibility to remain calm and help her process what happened and help her see other perspectives in the situation. Things aren't always as they seem for her. Its taken a lot for me to calm my own self down and not be so reactive, but so far its working a lot better than anything else I've done. She's learning to solve her own social issues and there been far less tears and crying fits.

We have an IEP in a few weeks, we'll see what they say at that. I'm not looking forward to the rat race again. I'm really not, but I'll do what I have to do to keep my kids healthy and happy.

On another note, Persephone turned three years old the other day. I can't believe my "baby" isn't a baby anymore. 

Its Fall and update time

It seems odd that its aumtum already. Time has been flying by me lately. No doubt its because of all the changes that we've been through as a family the past year. De-schooling is a process that can surprisingly take awhile. Just sitting down and relaxing, not worrying about being somewhere or doing something according to someone elses schedule. Its liberating. Really!

Odin has been growing and changing so much over the past summer. I have a hard time remembering all the cute things he says because he says so much these days. Even though he was late talking, he sure caught up and surpassed his peers. His articulation is still poor, but he's improving I think. (I was told he wouldn't improve at all without some serious speech therapy, but the waiting lists are so long it'll be years before he gets in anywhere.)

After a few short months of peddling his tricycle, he spent a few weeks with training wheels and only two sessions of trying to ride without them.. and he got it. The rest is history. (or so they tell me.) Its amazing the emotions you can feel as you stand there watching your baby ride away from you that first time.. knowing that you can't possibly keep up to save them if they should happen to fall... because they've got it.. they're riding. A piece of my heart rode away that day, and I feel such pride when I watch him. So meticulous and careful. He looks both ways, he stops on the side of the road when a car happens to drive down the circle. He even falls with grace, rarely crying.. but just getting up and brushing himself off and hopping on to try again. I am so proud of all his accomplishments.

Air-writing stuck around for over a year. He wrote all the time. Spelling in the air near constant. He seems to have found some freedom from that now. The spelling has all but stopped, and his interest has been on his new skill of bike riding. Its hard to see his obsessions change because I get comfortable with his rituals and routines probably almost as much as he does. Its unsettling when suddenly he doesn't pick up a pen and paper for weeks at a time. Yet I know its a good thing for him. It means he is learning and exploring at his own pace and that makes me happy. To solidify our goals as a family.. I officially gave up his spot in the preschool program. He has no idea he was signed up to go so he wasn't upset at this decision at all. I know school isn't the place for him, and I'm not sad that he isn't experiencing it. He has all the time in the world to attend a school if and when he chooses, but only one childhood to learn at his own pace.

Ivy is de-schooling well. She is finding her own rhythm to things and it makes me happy to see her coming out of her shell more and more every day. I have to remember that 9 was a hard age for me.. it helps me have patience with her on those days that get to be just a little bit too long.

Piper mastered learning to ride a big girl bike the same summer as her brother. As you can imagine this means they are both further away from me  much of the time. Its hard parenting kids that are on the other side of the park. I've done a lot of walking around this summer, and a lot of calling for kids.

Persephone just started wanting to play with all the other kids outside, and its been hard giving her that freedom. She's still only 2, for another few weeks anyway....

Now that we've moved things are starting to feel a little bit more like home. I don't do change well at all. I think this past month 1/2 have been the hardest on me and the kiddos because of this. I don't go with the flow without a big fight about why the flow changed in the first place. I'm working on that. :)

Oh! Bedtimes in our house have finally moved to nighttime. The younger kids are in bed around 8 or so, and Ivy goes to bed between 9 and 10. She's allowed to stay up in her room after that time as long as she's quiet. Mornings consequently have been starting around 9 and 10 for Chris, and me? I've been sleeping in! I don't know why but most days I'm not up before 11am. And I'm going to bed at a decent hour too. SOMETHING is up with my body. I'm not sure if its from stopping the meds or what but things are out of whack in pretty much every area. If the hpt hadn't come back negative all 7 times I took it I would swear I was pregnant. Thats how messed up things are. And by messed up I also mean absent. For the past 3 months. ...  more on that later I guess.

Ivy wants some mama time so I'm gonna go snuggle with her for a bit.

Finally

After nearly 4 years waiting, I received my sons neuropsych report last month and he has officially been diagnosed with Autistic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD.

We've been doing some intellectual testing, and speech and language testing. His numbers are so high that I was told he is in the genius range. At 4 years old he is spelling and writing at a 4th grade level. Of course his skills are high in some areas, but lower in others. His "splinter skills" are something we celebrate with excitement. Instead of focusing on what he can't do, we choose to focus on what he can do.

In the past week I found out he was approved for SSI and also that we finally are able to move into a 4 bedroom unit only three doors down from here. Its what we've been waiting for the past four years, so we're very excited! Finally there will be a bigger kitchen, our own porch (without neighbors on it) and a bedroom for Ivy. (Odin when he's bigger and needs it)

Right now I feel like I'm in the middle of chaos. There have been so many changes lately that my head is spinning. Even the good news like moving into a 4 bedroom is hard to deal with without a time frame.

My inlaws finally moved back home and now live in the same town we do. Once they're settled in, they should hopefully be a great resource for us.

 Meet our new puppy, Sage. With some training we're hoping that he will make a good service dog. However we're admittedly very tired and burning out with puppy training. It doesn't help that Odin is scared of the dog, so instead of bringing happiness and helping to calm him down, the dog causes him to get upset instead. We still aren't sure what to do, but we're plodding along day by day.

Sierra graduated from 8th grade in June. Seems like just yesterday she was in 3rd grade and now here she is.. a freshman in high school. Time really does go by quickly thats for sure.

Alright, I'm off to clean the house before we head to Rotary park for the day. Its finally summer and I plan to enjoy it. :)

Starting Over Again..

(This blog post was written in the middle of February, but I'm only now getting a chance to post it. Make sure you read the edit at the end! :)) 

It was bound to happen eventually. A square peg just doesn't fit into a round hole. I've been trying for the past 4 years to make it fit and it's been an uphill battle. Who is the peg? Myself, my husband, my daughters, my son.

A group shot facing the sun. The first real spring day

If you look back through the archives of this blog you'll see that back when Ivy was a baby my intention was 100% unschooling. I bought books. I researched. I planned (to not plan) and I had so many hopes and dreams as a family.

What happened to those? I've been lying to myself, holding onto hope that the peg will fit. I'm not sure why, but I do know that I was afraid to rock the boat too much.We're already Eclectic Pagans, I had natural childbirths, I co-slept, I practiced child led weaning and extended breast feeding. I wore my babies in a sling and held them until they were asleep. I didn't do formula or jarred baby food. I don't go to church. I didn't have an epidural.

What do we do? We sing. We do arts and crafts. We cook and garden. We read books and go to the library. We go swimming at the YMCA and go to Spiralscouts. We go on nature walks and explore. We write poetry and make up stories. We make clay and sculptures. We grow herbs and dry them. We watch the science channel and the discovery channel, and even the history channel. We watch Spongebob too. Lots of Spongebob lately. We play computer games and research on Google. We blog.

Except those things all went to the back burner when school started. Now we try to squeeze in activities but there isn't much time. And im always anxious about making sure they have clean clothes and perfect hair before they leave. When they come home they are a mess of emotions. They're tired and don't want to do anything with me. Vacations are the only times that i can see them learning at home and loving it. They relax enough and that desire and passion returns.

We went puddle jumping and jelly fishing ;)

The turning point for me, was finding out that the school has been forcing Ivy to wear a pressure vest against her will at school for the entire day. This has been going on for months and I had no idea. I was appalled and shocked. They took something that was a positive tool that she loved and even asked for, and they forced her to wear it. They took her power away and created a battleground instead. No wonder why she didn't want to wear the vest at home! No wonder she was always jumpy and agitated. The slightest mention that she was a bit energetic and she would get so angry and defensive. And now, I know why.

I'm heartbroken that the school allowed their teachers and aides to do that to a child. Appalled that even after I told them, you may NEVER force my child to wear it if she doesn't want to, they called her to the OT and they tried to coerce her to wear it and promise them she would. She was told, "you have the choice, but you HAVE to make the RIGHT choice to wear the vest. There is only ONE choice that is

right."

I made the decision to pull her out of school and we are now legally homeschoolers. Though whole life learner, delight driven learning or unschooling is where we fit into the best. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to write about our learning on this blog or a new one or even if we can separate it because it's just how we are. Learning happens all the time, it's almost impossible to make it fit into a neat box and call it learning time. What I suspect is, my life will be more full and happy as we have more time to spend with each other. I can't count the number of times I've said,"maybe this weekend we'll have time" and I hear all the kids start to cry. And personally there are so many bonus's I can't even list them all. I have autism. I don't fit in with other parents and I've felt guilty and sad because Piper expects me to do what the other moms do. I'm filled with so much shame because I haven't yet volunteered in her classroom. I'm stopped with fear when I think about doing it. So much sadness and shame, guilt and tears. I don't want to force myself to do what I've been doing. I'm burning out from the social connections I've been forced to keep. Less energy I've had for the kids, lost because of another IEP or another email from the teacher. The daily notebook filled with negativity.

Ivy is so much happier at home

I will probably always regret not following my passion and keeping my kids close to me. They grow up so fast, hold on. Love them, learn with them, explore with them, grow with them, and trust that they will learn what they want to learn when they need to learn it. Trust.. So much is about trust..

  
*Edit: Its now the middle of March 2012 (St. Patrick's Day to be exact) and things are going very well for us. Ivy's mood is so much happier and I'm more relaxed. We are officially homeschoolers, and I plan to keep the rest of our clan out of school as well. This, is truly a new beginning for us all. We are finally pursuing our real dream. Our original goals. Our life. Hopefully I'll still find time to blog about it because I really want to share this journey with everyone. I am still a disabled mom (though I hate the term) and I struggle with my autism and anxiety daily. Our children all have unique special needs, and my husband still has his own adhd and bipolar issues. We are a family that is robust, loud, and chaotic.. but we're finding a happier rhythm since we've taken back part of our lives that school took away. The calm is visible even to outsiders. This change has been so positive for us and I'm looking forward to blogging more about it!

Goodbye 2011, Bring it on 2012!

I've written and re-written this post several times today and I finally have realized that celebrating the new year and reflecting on it is something that I don't do very well.

I want to show appreciation for the things we have, the things we have been able to do and all the ups and downs in life, but when I'm put on the spot I can't do it. Perhaps maybe it has something to do with my memory and my inability to recall things the way others do. So while you're reading my next tangent, keep in mind I suck at writing and reflecting.

I know that this year was better than the one before it, but not by much. It wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be, but nothing ever truly is. My expectations are always so high that even I fall short most of the time. But just like soft teeth, color blindness, hyper flexibility and autism, my high expectations are deeply rooted and not easily changed. Its who I am.

Autism itself has changed a lot of things in my family this past year. Some of them have been surprising changes. Like the communication between my oldest daughter and I. Knowing now that having Asperger's is the reason we're different than other people, and one of the biggest reasons we are so much alike has been a blessing to us. Instead of feeling alone, we both have taken to texting each other when we have a need to be understood. Sometimes our conversations are lighthearted and fun, and other times we end up discussing some really deep things. Some of my happiest moments as a mom have come from these conversations. When your child says something to you, and you can hear yourself in what they say.. (and its something good..) the proud realization that you have shaped a human being is felt. This year was filled with so many of those moments that I can only guess it means she's growing up..

This year was one of forgiveness and moving on in my life. I won't say that the moving on part has been completely finished, but I'm trying my best to wake up each day with a smile. If there would be any resolution to keep, or attempt in this new year it would be to live more for myself and to choose happiness over sadness. It seems simple enough but its really difficult for me.

What makes me happy? This.

I get caught up in the every day stress of who is watching the kids, who is cleaning the house, doing dishes, cat boxes and laundry, appointments.. and to be honest, the answer is almost always "me."  I've been stuck in a battle against my husband and I'm guessing this battle won't ever be won fairly enough to make it worthwhile. So I'm going to try to resolve that those jobs are simply mine. It isn't fair. I don't think it ever will be. So instead of fighting and trying to make it fair, I need to figure out a system that makes me the happiest. Because this is my life too.

I don't have all the answers. I only know that I love my children with and without autism, and that I love my husband with and without his issues. I don't want to leave him because I have dishes to do. I don't want to feel unappreciated and walked on either. I want happiness. And being totally honest with myself.. I want control while simultaneously wanting someone else to take control. Someone else that is capable of it. And that someone else doesn't exist. So like it or not, its on my shoulders. How can I be happy with it?

How can I make each day a happy day no matter what? Is it possible to become happy even if our marriage isn't "fair"? With so many naysayers telling me that divorce is the only option, I've shut people out of my life even more than usual and I want to change that as well.

I want 2012 to be a year of honesty and happiness from the inside out. I may not be able to change the things that other people do and say, but I can change my outlook. At least I hope I can anyway.

Are you in control over your own happiness? Does it come naturally to you or did you have to work at it?

While I try to cheer myself up from having a horrible day with the kiddos (Ivy's hyperactivity is driving me crazy to be honest.. I'm considering medication.) we'll be eating overpriced Chinese food soon and celebrating the end of 2011 and welcoming in 2012 by watching the ball drop. (its so boring to me but.. its tradition) I hope your family is as blessed as mine and you're able to find happiness every day no matter how small.

I also hope that I'm able to take my own advice at least once in awhile. ;)

Happy New Year folks. <3

Plugged In and Checked Out

January is almost here, and with the new calendar comes more appointments for me and hopefully more answers. You see, three of us are officially diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Currently I have two children in various stages of evaluation, and my youngest just got referred as well. I'm so used to the testing and the questions that it seems almost silly to get official diagnosis's for anyone, but I know that without it, they might not be able to access services they might need in the coming years.

I wish I had more support, but I'm married to a man that carries different diagnosis's, all of them given in his childhood.. so really, I don't know whats going on with him. For all I know he could be on the spectrum himself. Getting him to seek out any help for himself is challenging. And being married is more like having a 6th child most of the time. He spends all of his time with his Iphone stuck to the front of his face. He doesn't play the PS3 during the day because we finally came to the agreement that he needed to stay tuned into life. So instead, he games on his phone. Somehow he thinks its different. When I talk to him, and he doesn't listen to anything I'd said. Or when I look at him and feel those feelings of love, and realize.. no matter what I can't get him to look at me back long enough to have "a moment." He's tuned into his phone literally 24/7. He's worse than my 13 year old. And he's totally checked out of life completely.

I often wonder if other women feel this way in their marriages. I feel like we've long since passed that in love stage, and we're straight into argue about absolutely everything area.

Ever since his leg surgery and his addiction, Chris has been an angry, isolated person. And since I have Asperger's you'd expect this to be okay with me.. except its not. Because its not the relationship I came into. We BOTH were introverts and we relied on each other to help us peek out of our shells. One of us continued to try and push every day, and one of us fell into the shadows and has let his childhood demons come back to haunt him.

I don't know about you.. but its not that much fun loving someone with a history of trauma. I should know, I have my own baggage and it can be daunting sometimes! Its not easy to be told that I'm doing things that remind the person of their abuse. This is something new to our relationship. We used to share our stories and talk about what happened.. never did we put blame on each other for anything.

Maybe it comes with being together for so long? Its been a decade now. The longest relationship I've ever had. Even longer than my parents had with me, ...only my grandmother knew me longer.. and its fast approaching the 15 year mark.

What I can say is this.. sometimes talking doesn't help. Most of the time it makes things worse in my case. The type of conversation that I think is helpful and makes me feel better, makes him feel shame and because of that he withdraws. Then we spend hours deadlocked. I alternate between crying and withdrawing, to trying to talk using all my communication skills and feeling defeated. Eventually I give up. After some time, if I give up completely and pretend things are fine then he'll come around. On his own time. In his own way. But the issue that caused us to argue in the first place is never resolved and inside my heart I feel sad and alone.

I think about our marriage and those feelings of sadness and isolation are what caused me to leave my last marriage and seek out that love from someone else. Knowing that I don't want that, my instinct is to work through things and try to fix it. However its really hard when one person isn't communicating at all, and the other is somehow not communicating effectively. At least half the time I feel doomed. Like a gerbil spinning in a wheel. I feel like I'm giving all of myself, my soul, and heart to my children and this marriage and not getting in return what I need to feel fulfilled and loved. I want so much to reach out, but the past has shown me that talking does no good. And it hurts so much to be rejected the way I have been lately.

I don't know whats in store for my life down the road. I only know where I am and where I want to be. I want happiness and love. I'm struggling, but still trying to keep this relationship together. I wonder if we have what it takes to still be together. I wonder if thats the right path or if we're fighting a losing battle. I don't have answers to any of those questions and its frustrating that Google can't answer it for me..

I think I need to find a pen pal, or a forum somewhere and get back into communication with other people. I need to feel like people are listening to me somewhere because I'm not feeling the bond in my home right now. Its not just being a woman with an autism spectrum disorder, but its parenting 5 children.. several of which have autism as well. My life isn't an easy one, but somehow I will make it work because I know others have it far worse. Its what keeps me going. Knowing that to someone else, I have it easy.

So how much does communication really matter in a marriage? Do you think its possible to love someone, be married, parent and have a gap in communication? Does it feed into trust or distrust? Am I doomed?

Its Christmas Eve in our home

Once again, its time to wrap presents and get ready for Yule/Christmas morning. I'll be honest, I'm not excited this year, but I'm going to try and kickstart my excitement by blogging about the things I was able to get them.

I think the cost of buying presents, plus the clutter in my house, added to the fact that my kids couldn't think of things they wanted at all. I was able to find them a few things that I think they'll enjoy.

Ivy loves pigs, so for her I found an awesome picture of a pig and printed it out and framed it in a simple frame. For Sierra, I framed a zebra. Piper isn't done yet, and I still have to find the perfect unicorn or horse picture. It seems like I've seen the images all a million times and none of them stand out as "the one" that will really make her smile. Their rooms are bare walls still, so I thought I'd start by giving them something to hang in their rooms that make them happy. I wanted to add letters to hang and spell their names out, but Yule just came too soon for that idea. So it'll be on the back burner. Maybe my next project? (I'm stuck between decoupaging cardboard ones, buying white ones, or buying wooden ones and painting them) If you know of an awesome idea, let me know!

This year the only thing the kids asked for was Harry Potter legos. That was the major item they all wanted. So I was able to get a couple of small sets for them. They really want the people. And I really don't want to hear, "ITS MY TURN TO BE HARRY NOW!!! GIVE IT TO MEEEE!!!! MOM!!" all day long..

Toys for Tots this year was okay. I was able to find a few things for Odin and Persephone. A sit and spin is his big gift, I think he'll like it. I was surprised the weight/age goes up to 5 years old. And I think we lucked out and somehow got the one that doesn't have music and flashing lights! We've wanted to get one for years but didn't want the craziness of the ones we saw. This one is just a Sit and Spin. The end! (I haven't opened it yet so I'm only going by the box...)

There were a couple Littlest Pet Shop toys, and a small Lego set. I opted out of picking out books and stuffed animals because the books would be doubles of what we already have, and the stuffies just take up a lot of room. (and I won't use stuffed animals that aren't brand new because of our bedbug nightmare from years ago. It really limits my thrift store shopping in a major way.)

If it tells you anything about the year at TFT, I found a yellow matchbox car. I was so happy! Because not only was it yellow, but it was the only matchbox car I had found in the whole place. Finally! In the bottom of the last box I had gone through.

I worry though that this year will be difficult with Persephone because she's older now. And I wasn't able to buy much for her. Even though the girls don't have much, I had been saving things that people gave me over the past year.. neighbor hand-me-downs, gramma's boxes of goodies, halloween gifts and candy that was never eaten. It'll appear that the girls have more. I'm hoping Odin and PJ will have enough to keep them happy. We have never gone overboard with gifts, but this year was the first year I've sat down with the kids and talked to them about it. I told them this year would be a little different than the past, because the things they want are more expensive, and.. well.. we just can't afford to get everything they want. They nod and smile and say, "Don't worry! Santa will take care of it Mom." and not another thought it given. If only it were that easy girls..if only..

I used Amazon to buy the few things I bought. I'm sure it wasn't the best most kid friendly move, but I bought books. Yep. I bought several. I consider it an investment because they are special books. An Ordinary Girl, A Magical Child, The Autism Acceptance Book, Ed Emberley's Complete Funprint Drawing Book, Aidan's First Full Moon Circle

Brand new books about autism, Paganism, and a cool art book. I think they'll be really happy with them. Sure, we could borrow them from the library, but we read books. We really read them. And now that Ivy can read very well, she is going to just eat these up! All those questions she has about herself and autism and about our religious beliefs. Questions answered!

Also, to go along with the new books about Paganism.. the girls are both getting tiny little pentacle necklaces. Its a very big deal to us because its their very FIRST pentacles. :)

I found a set of Ty beanie babies of the Wonder pets. And I found tuck on a fly boat. Those are Odin's two gifts. The Lego sets are to all of them. I was also tricky and didn't let Odin open his other gift that came in early. His weighted blanket! Its got Cat in the Hat on one side, and Blues Clues on the other. He will love it! I'll take a picture of it as soon as he opens it. I can't wait to see his reaction. We've been wanting a bigger weighted blanket for him with cat in the hat for a long time! (Of course it was made by Dreamcatcher Weighted Blankets just like Ivy's was. I love them! I have never been disappointed yet! 4 years later and Ivy's blanket is still like its brand new. And she still uses it! I'm actually seriously considering looking into whether our state insurance would pay for an adult with Asperger's to get one. I think it would be really helpful.)

Sierra of course went out with her grandmother.. er.. great great aunt? I don't know what relation she is anymore. Heh. Either way, they always go out shopping and thats what they did. I think she got me something really nice, but I have to wait until tomorrow to find out! I'm pretty sure she got some balls, a few sleds, and some of those lalaloopsy dolls.

So in a few hours the grandparents are coming over. (Yes, they made it up for Christmas!) We'll be doing gifts to and from them, and also our secret Santa gifts from the kids to each other tonight before bed.

I have no idea what kind of Christmas this will actually be because the kids are acting up horribly and Chris is, of course.. sick.

I've gotta chug my coffee and get ready for the day. Grandparents will be here in two hours and I still have 4 naked kiddos bouncing around the house. I hope they enjoy the day and make some yummy sugar cookies for Santa!

Merry Christmas and Blessed Yule to all my blog readers! I hope you have a wonderful evening and day with your children, and remember.. no matter what you have wrapped.. its the time and love you have for your children and your friends and family that really matter this holiday. I have several friends that don't have a tree or any gifts this year, and I know how it feels to wish you could do more..  but just remember.. its what is inside your heart that truly matters. Honest. I wouldn't lie to you. Make the most of what you have, and feel blessed! Because you are. <3

Perpetually Alone

I've been having a hard time finding the time to sit and let my thoughts out. It seems there are always dishes to wash, laundry to fold, and kids that are crying and need attention. If anyone that is thinking about starting a family finds this blog, please know that having children is rewarding and fun.. but very hard. Sometimes it can fill your soul, othertimes you lose yourself.

I believe a big factor in which way you end up is in the support system you have around you. Then theres the little things that make or break you. Are your children developing at the "normal" expected rate, or do they have delays or gaps? Special medical situations? What about you? Are you "normal"? So many of us are nowadays, if the term "normal" is to be used. I've never been able to define what it really means myself...   For this purpose, do you have depression? anxiety? ocd? autism? medical issues?  What about your relationship? Single parent, or married, divorced?   Now I want you to put those big issues aside and think about all the tiny details of having children. Right now they're dreams, and you sigh when you think about them. Well someday you'll be crying. I promise. No really! I'm not trying to be a downer. Just a realist.

You will make choices that you will question. Nearly every single day. And if you're a good parent, you'll agonize over those choices. You'll beat yourself up until no can even recognize that you're under there anymore. Under that Mommy hat. The one you take off less and less the more kids you have and the more years that go by.

I wrote a post years ago about losing myself, and trying to find it again. Sometimes I wish I knew how much other mothers go through. I wish I had someone to tell me to sit down and stop cleaning. (Other than my husband who doesn't do much of the cleaning at all.) I wish I had that support system that other people seem to have (and ironically don't want.) You see, I can't just sit down and relax. I can't put my feet up and just let life happen, because I have such a hard time feeling calm and together when there is chaos. And with 5 kids there is a lot of chaos!

Its 9:52 in the morning and I decided to try to write this blog post. One child was coloring, one was playing the PSP, one was watching Spongebob on the Ipod Touch, and another one is watching daddy play the PS3. Everyone was relatively calm. So why can't I feel calm enough to let the dishes sit in the sink? Why do I feel like the laundry MUST be folded? And why do I put those feelings onto other people? I wish I knew.

Everyone would say its because I do the bulk of everything in this house. I'm overwhelmed and frusterated. My husband should do more. Things should be 50/50. And I agree. But I don't know how to accomplish that. I'm not him. I can't make him do anything and all those little things about leaving dishes in the sink until he does them, etc.. they don't work. He really will just wash what he needs and go about his day. Somewhere along his childhood, he didn't learn responsibility. I know a lot of parents that don't seem to be parenting. They aren't present, they aren't THERE. they're off at the bars, or gambling, or texting, or facebooking or playing video games. For them, the laundry can and does wait. They don't worry about money or how to keep a coat on their kids in the middle of winter. I know, because I see their children in sweatshirts in December, shivering at the bus stop.

So why then, do I feel that I need at least SOME of what they have? I don't know. I feel like I don't have balance over my life. I wear that Mommy hat all the time and I don't ever get to take it off.

I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if this situation is normal. Does EVERY married woman do all the chores, and take care of the kids 100% of the time? We can't be the only couple that has this issue. I'm the ONLY woman with issues, married to a man with issues, that has kids?! .. That can't be true. Yet it is. I don't know.. it just seems that things are never as easy as other people. Yet I know that isn't true either because my children don't have severe medical issues, and their other issues we are working with..   Others have it far worse than I do. It seems to come full circle to support. I have no one to talk to, no one to complain to, no one to cry to, and no one to look to for advice or love. Once upon a time I had my husband. Like all good things though that, for the most part.. has come to an end. He's here. But he isn't really.

So just what is the connection in this blog post? How does all this rambling add up? Well it doesn't. Its disjointed, disconnected, rambling, incoherant at times, and downright confusing. It is exactly like my life is.

I promise there is more to me than confusion and sadness. I simply have a hard time accessing it right now. I need people around me that are positive supports, and at this time I have no one except a handful of people willing to listen in texts. I need real life. I need coffee and talking. I need someone to help organize my spice cupboard and clean my clutter with me. I need someone to listen to  my last fight and remember how funny things were 10 years ago.

I started this blog years ago as my own way to open up and have validation and support. Oddly enough people read but rarely comment. I suspect there is a certain voyerism to listening to me vent. And of course, there is the disjointed part. Maybe people wanting to know more about what its like to have autism, or parent children with autism.. will be the ones to understand this blog the best.


I contemplated deleting it the other day, but I decided for my own sake not too. ... but I find it pretty telling that even on the internet, with the potential to reach millions.. I am still alone. I don't know if anyone reads my posts or even cares. All I know is I feel so lost and so overwhelmed, and so alone all the time.

Handmade Yule ornaments

The kids had fun stringing beads onto wire yesterday and bending them into shapes. PJ and Odin were phenomenal at it too! I was impressed. Ivy tried but kept getting frustrated and dumping the bead bowl, and Piper has a hard time making any craft that wasn't her idea in the first place. Eventually she asked me to finish hers for her. But Odin stood there holding his "circle" for two hours while we put the Yule tree up and fought with the lights that were clumped together and not all working. Every strand only half lit.

Anyway, I wanted to post our craft project and show how we decorated our tree this year. So far anyway, with a month left we have a lot of time to decorate still. :) I have decoupage ideas in my head to spruce up our old balls. (the Beavis and Butthead in me is laughing right now) it seems like such a waste to buy ornaments so this year we're going green and making or repurposing items to make ornaments.

What our family does..

Our Yule tree went up today

Quill Clan, Yule 2011

It's been awhile since I've written. I feel badly because I had a lot on my plate and a lot of people counting on me for things, but I've been ill the past month and am still battling some strange virus or infection, I'm not even sure which.

Even though I'm not feeling the spirit of the season, we put up the Yule tree today. To help me muster some happiness up, I picked up my camera and took a few pictures. It helped me a little. If nothing else, I can still document that my children are alive, well, and they even look happy!

Just like every other challenge I've faced, I will get through it. Hopefully it'll be soon because I'm really becoming depressed that I'm still feeling sick for so long. Even Thanksgiving wasn't normal. Chris made not only the turkey, but everything else as well. Literally. I didn't wash a potato, or bake a pie. Nothing. I've taken up crocheting, and drawing. Things that don't take a lot of abstract thinking because its just not there. The pressure in my head and the aching on a constant basis.. its overwhelming. I'd be lying if I didn't say at least once or twice a day I break down sobbing for no other reason then I just want to feel well again. 

So I just noticed that Blogger has changed quite a bit. I feel like I'm in a foreign country or something. Buttons in odd places... this is going to take some getting used to again!

Before my computer eats my post, I'll hit the publish button. If all goes well, I should have my own .com shortly. I don't really need one, but I have to get one for Spiralscouts anyway so I'll get one with enough space for my blog and hopefully my online store. Once my head feels connected to my body again, maybe I can actually follow through with the dreams I had before. They feel so far away sometimes.

Oh, Odin's appointment with the developmental pediatrician is on Tuesday, and then with a different neuro psychologist on Wednesday. We booked appointments and they happened to fall that way. We've been waiting several years for these appointments however, so I'm really nervous. This is the big diagnosis appointment so wish us luck.

Potato stamps and some paint :)

"open your eyes and say cheese!" I am! See?! XD

Persephone's braids :)

The second kiddie table

Its now up and being used. So my meal table can continue to be a
holding spot for my craft things! :D haha naw just kidding. This small
(heh) table IS my crafting table. Now the seats 16 people table will
be for people and food and not my crafts. Lol

So far Odin and PJ are enjoying it a lot.

My new old clock in less than 10 minutes

So what did i do with my time while Piper was at her first day of school? (truthfully Odin was a handful today and PJ is still constipated..'nuff said)

I repainted the clock my sister in law gave me a few years ago. Love the pentacle, hated the silver color. I live silver don't get me wrong, but on jewelry not my walls.

A fresh coat of paint on the clock though, and I love it! Do you? I'm not sure if I'm finished with it or if I want ivy on it, or even an accent light baby sea green or whatever this color is we're using. XD

Bloggers new iPhone Ap..

Well it does pictures, what else? Okay it won't text horizontal so that's obviously got to change. Hmm..

Piper's snack after her kindergarten testing :)

What Chris and I drew together

Ivy can wear regular earrings now! Yay!

The allergy to metal like mine seems to have disappeared? I hope! She
woke these cheap cute ones from Walmart on her first day of school!
She loved them! Finally something that helped her fit in a little more
:) the report on her first day of school? She had a great day! Her one
on one aid was so helpful and she said she helped her through so much.
I have high hopes for this year!

My $200 curio table I bought for $14 and it's first purpose as a focus/meditation altar.

School starts day after tomorrow for Sierra and Ivy. This coming
Thursday is Pipers screening/testing and her open house. Then her
first day of school is on Friday! In 5 days! I'm getting nervous
myself! This is baby #3 that's headed off to school. And Ivy is going
into third grade. It's such a jump. Suddenly there are no cute
pictures on the wall, no colorful chairs, ... I felt a lump in my
throat immediately and realized it was that sudden jump that made 3rd
the worst for me as a child. I'm trying so hard not to add my emotions
into her anxiety. Only positive thoughts allowed! I think the table
will help me as much as it helps them. My babies are growing up. Like
most things I want so much to be as prepared as possible, but I've
learned that parenting doesn't work like that. I could pack the house
with me, bring everything I own, and I can't prepare myself
emotionally and mentally as much as I'd like to. I feel so raw all the
time, changes are happening so fast. Some good some bad. To my brain,
change is bad period. So it's been a rough end to our summer. A rough
start to our school year, as all our ism's and dx's keep us from
feeling calm, rational, and peaceful. Anxiety rips through this house
like wildfire. We'll make it. We have to. Nothing beats anxiety and
fear faster than simply not having a choice. Thank goodness we have
each other, family and good friends. I'm not sure if I would have made
it this far! Thank you. Wish us luck!

When Wordless Wednesday is Every day

My new Nikon. Happy 7 years baby <3

Have you ever caught yourself stuck in so much that you can't properly articulate the situation? Are you ever sinking so fast that you don't have time to ask for help, let alone take a picture or blog about it? Well lately I've had pictures, but nothing else. In fact, taking pictures has been my survival.

For all the new followers, please know this. I take a lot of pictures. Photography is one of my passions. My "special interest" in autism-speak. I also use it as a form of self therapy for myself, and also as a self stimulation and a response to stress. Instead of a cigarette, cookie, or razor blade.. I reach for my camera. Some would say its healthy. Others argue that its excessive. The jury is still out I guess. In any event, please know that I take a lot of pictures. Sometimes its my kids, but often its of nature. Life. I'm obsessed with the moments other people don't catch, or the ones that no one else sees. I love candid photos, and a picture with a smile looking directly at me feels like a million sunburns on my skin. "Ugh! Look away! Smile at that flower or something! .. .much better! Beautiful!"  Eye contact remains an issue, even behind the lens of a Nikon D3100.

Pagan Pride Day 2011. Me. :)

When there are few written words on my blog, not much on my twitter, and close friends or family don't see much on my Facebook.. it means I'm having a hard time. I'm trying to balance being a mom, a wife to a husband going through his own psychological issues and being me. And the me part is being snuffed out. Seriously snuffed out. Suicide crossed my mind the past few months. Cutting returned. So in an effort to stay at an even keel, I have been taking more pictures. I apologize in advance. I know what I find beautiful, or my need to have a record of everything because my memory is so poor.. I know it is of little value to other people. This blog however, means everything to me. It is me. Good and bad. Boring and uninteresting. Bold and blunt. Emotional and irrational. Its mine. So few things I can say that with. With that said, please be gentle with any comments you leave me. My shields are down and theres no way they can be repaired quickly. Its going to take some time. <3

Persephone playing games on the iPhone tonight <3

Piper getting her hair done, deciding which one to try on her first day of school. She is so excited!! :). (so am I lol for the first time I am counting the days lol)

Piper's mobile spinning in my living room

She is so crafty! Always coming up with new ideas every minute. I gave
her a "special craft box" that I throw my leftover "stuff" from around
the house. Paper towel rolls, glue, ribbon, markers etc. And I don't
have to get

The cat in hat friends sleep in a cat in the hat sock LOL