Waiting for Alice in Chains

Alice in Chains tickets are here!

Mama and the kids

Easter Bunny Love

Easter 2010 was a success! Well, as long as we're measuring success by how sunny the day was. (finally) How trampled my backyard was by little feet looking for eggs, and how much trash was strewed around my house. It didn't matter how many times I bent over to pick up the pieces of wrappers and discarded candy, in a few minutes it was back on the floor again. Candy in different colored boxes to designate which child it belonged to. When you have more than a few children it becomes a necessary part of life, this naming and color coding. And every year there is more candy than we need. I'm not sure how or why I tend to over purchase the candy, perhaps because its the basis of Easter and there isn't much else to get. One toy each child, that added up to over thirty dollars. Piper got Littlest Pet Shops, Ivy got a Wizards of Waverly Place wand (the one we wanted to buy her for Halloween but they were completely sold out.) and Odin got this really cool car from the movie Cars. You shake it back and forth and then set it down and it goes! Granted it doesn't go very far because he only shakes it a second or two, but he loves it! Though Mama and Daddy are about ready to take out the batteries! (its loud)

Sierra was with us this year. Usually she ends up with her ex grandmother because they have a big easter egg hunt with the town and the police department. This year I said no when they asked me. I wanted her here with her family. So she ran around helping her sisters and brother find the eggs in the backyard. She smiled. She had a good time. And seeing her participate in family stuff with a smile on her face made me really glad I had her stay here.

Today is Ivy's last appointment with the Neuropsychologist. Her evaluations for an autism spectrum disorder is almost complete. It took us years to get to this point. Years. Just this appointment alone took a year to get. But her behavior at school is starting to get worse. They have a behavior notebook for her now and her day is broken into small chunks of time to try to earn at least 15 stars a day. I think it might help her. But will they try to take her off her IEP next week? I don't know. But I do know that she needs a diagnosis so that I can fight for her better. We've been fighting since she was two years old, and we'll keep fighting.

My girls (and niece)

Sierra is a dork

Just me

PJ is 154 days old!

Avis has gone to be with her father

This is so sudden that I don't even know how to say it except to say it. Last night I got a phone call from Avis's phone, and it was her brother calling to let me know that Avis was in the hospital. She went in because she was still feeling sick from her UTI and found her in full kidney and liver failure. They gave her a day or two to live...
They asked me to contact anyone that was her friend and let them know. I posted on facebook and let Shannon know as well.
Tonya and I went to SMMC after the kids went to bed and Shannon was on her way out. Avis was sleeping the entire time. There was nothing they could do for her except keep her comfortable. We talked to her for awhile and her family even left the room so we could have some time in private. Persephone was straining and giggling. She really wanted me to put her down in Avis's bed. I held her over her and she laughed so much and so hard. We rubbed her hair and I kissed her head.... and we said our goodbyes.

Avis passed away this morning around 3am. Her service will be April 1st. I know I'm not the only one secretly waiting for her to pop up and yell April Fools.. This was just so unexpected.

I will miss her a lot. :( We were planning to do lunch this week.  .....

Its Mr Man!

PJ in the walker

PJ in the highchair

Sarah and PJ with glasses (turn your head lol)

Spring is almost here

We've set our clocks ahead now, and I've found that the kids adjust much easier in the springtime than they do when we roll the clocks back in the fall. They're still waking up at 6 AM but at least they're still falling asleep at 7 PM. We've been going outside the past few days. Temperature wise its been above average this year. It hit 69 the other day! In March! In Maine! I'm hoping that the rest of the season is the same.

Early Intervention was supposed to come to start the evaluation process with Odin the other day. His speech was the major concern, but even some days I'm not sure I'm concerned about it anymore. I go back and forth. I think that he's a bit behind but probably not enough to qualify for services.  The house is clean and we waited for the person to come. Chris was planning on taking the other kids out for awhile to make it easier, even though is leg hurts a lot these days. (and thats another blog post) The person from EI forgot about us, so we ended up doing it over the phone. I wish he would have given me that option to begin with!

So tonight I'm sitting here at 11:30 and dreading going upstairs. I'm tired, but I'm so anxious about tomorrow that I want to keep my mind off things. And by keeping my mind off things what I really mean is, google everything I possibly can about speech and language disorders, in particular Childhood Apraxia of Speech. I'm nervous that EI is going to be in my home. Not just one person, but a few different people. :( Ugh. Chris is going to take Piper and Persephone upstairs while they're here, and hopefully they'll be gone before Ivy is home from school.

If something is going on with Odins speech, I hope that EI really catches onto it and does something. After Ivy, I feel like they've failed us.

Smile and say cheese kids

Skelly clippie

PJ's funny face

Piper's Gary the Snail

Piper's Spongebob and Gary

Odin and Mama in the morning

  

(pre make up. LOL)

Odin is 25 months old and needs a haircut. 

PJ in a tutu

Sitting pretty in her tutu

My love

What's in your cup?

Pretty girl

Yo

Say what?

Just one of the girls

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Persephones Smile

This is the best smile I've ever caught on camera. You can even see both her dimples! I think this picture was taken when she was around 2 1/2 months old. Such a happy little baby she is. :) I can hardly believe that she's almost 4 months old. Where has the time gone..

Almost 4 months old... Ms Persephone Jade

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PS3 Fixed!

I'm so happy! I've been missing playing Rockband for months now. My fingers have been itching for something to do. The concentration it takes to play guitar, and sorta zone out at the same time. And the best part? It got fixed for free! Thats right. The money in my pocket is now money without a goal. I love that! I guess one of our neighbors was at the bus stop with Chris this morning and said he fixes them as a side job, and told Chris to bring it on over. So he did and he fixed it in minutes! The solder had come off the motherboard and he just put it back on. Rockband here I come!!

Sorry, Wrong Box

Rejection and lonliness are overwhelming feelings. For as long as I can remember, I've never quite meant to others, what they've meant to me. Its hard to put into words, but its as if my entire being is a misunderstanding. Every time I find out a friendship isn't as important to the other person, or that it means too much but not in the right way, I'm confused yet again. Dave is in love with me, but now he's not. Roy is dying of cancer, yet rejects my offer to visit. Every time I thought I was in a category it turns out I'm not. Dave was family to me. Yet was secretly in love with me. You cannot unring a bell. I'll never feel the same way about him again. Its ruined. Roy means so much to me. But that chapter of his life is closed.

I feel as if everyone says, "I will love you how I want to love you." and nothing is ever mutual. I'm trying to balance so much and in the end I feel awkward and uneasy. I feel rejected and lonely. I try to stay on top of the depression, but my brain starts to think back and find every instance in my past where this has happened before. Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? Why am I always either being loved too much past the boundary line, or cast aside like a used tissue? Is this how friendship and family is supposed to feel?

It sucks to be honest. Everyone is finally feeling better in the house, and I can't get over this cloud of sadness. My jaw is stuck closed, so I've been on a liquid/soft food diet for weeks. I've lost a bit of weight because of it too. Thats the good part.  The bad part is the pain and stiffness and tension that I have on my face and head all the time. Pain medication and muscle relaxants are all that help me. I have appointments at UNE, I guess they have a TMJ center. I was scheduled for last week but I had strep throat and was completely out of commission. Now that I've had some antibiotics in me I'm feeling much better. The jaw however is not.

I should post this entry before something comes up and it never gets added. I have 5 or so already that are still drafts that won't ever be completed. I had to vent about my feelings today I guess. I feel worthless and lost. So many feelings discarded, switched. I feel manipulated and used. I dunno.. maybe I don't even have a reason to feel that way. All I know is, whenever I get comfortable with people and start to trust them.. they let me down. Whenever I think I'm putting people in the right catagories, at the worst possible moment they say, "Sorry, you put me in the wrong box." No I didn't. I put you where you were supposed to be. Why are you trying to change boxes? Why isn't anyone ever satisfied with what they have?

Persephone at almost 3 months

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Odin's Speech at 24 months old

Odin will be turning two years old in 17 days and I'm concerned that his speech is not progressing as it should be. He doesn't say any sentences except ones that were learned together as a phrase like "thank you" and "I love you"- He cannot copy after me when I say something, and if he manages to say a word, I might not hear it again. Its like he forgets. He also adds an "L" into his words all the time. The only question he asks is "Whatsthat" and it sounds like "wahdah" run together, no inflection at all. He doesn't actually converse at all, it's mostly just yelling at his sisters or saying random things from his favorite thing "Go Diego Go", For instance, if I ask him his name he'll say "Diego!" He has no response to asking him to make animal sounds. He can point them out if I ask him, "Show me the cow" but he doesn't imitate me saying them or tell me what they sound like. (with the exception of Llama. He does say that because he sees that one on Diego of course.)
Some examples of his speech are:

nay nup= thank you
nut= donut
ee= please
dago=diego
duh duh= anything else he doesn't know
et ee= empty
g low= playdough
et cho clats= santa clause
pone= phone
oooh= buddah
pen= money
mummy=money
klee= keys
glaa=soda
tloy=toy
no= snow
deritis= there it is
glacksin= michel jackson
ee=wee
nup= yup

woo=whale weeble=whale
ooh un=all done
ee all=snail
da=ducks
ah dun=my turn

dladdy=daddy
wee=swing

wee wee, mee mee, and winwe= windy

chloclate=chocolate (I'm actually impressed by that one)

up= help and cup

er= hair

jeb-brar= jaguar (from diego)

dop=stop

you=ewww

kliss=kiss (again an L)

jay tul= gentle

el come= welcome

tres=three in spanish 

quatro=four in spanish

poor=four

Pie po, pee po=Piper

Eye ee=Ivy

Eh a rah=Sierra

Geh=give

Do=two

Be=three

klee-dlup=clean up

et=hat

nee nah=banana

uh me=look at me

yo-k=are you okay

ah dun= my turn

If he doesn't know what something is, he responds with either something else, like exclaiming "Day go!" (diego) or by saying "Doh Doh" or making a hissing sound.
He does say some words correctly. Ball, Mama, baby, Daddy (sometimes… other times daddy is said with that "L" as in DLaddy"
He does get upset when we don't understand him, but it does no good because he simply repeats the word over and over again. If we ask him if he wants milk, he's just scream and keep saying "eeuck eeuck" which is what milk is I guess.
He says "yes" and "no" and they sound so much the same that I'm never sure. Most of the time unless its something about his tv show, I have no idea what he's saying until we go through the list of things he could want.
Am I right to be a little concerned? He is my first boy and I have 4 other girls that talked in sentences by now.Are these errors that are normal for a 2 year old?

I was reading about Apraxia and wondering if it fits that description. So instead of sitting here looking things up I decided to call CDS and set up an evaluation.

Ok. Banning drug references and hate messages on shirts in school i get. Making me drive to school to drop off jeans for my daughter because she wore pj pants today . .is ASS. It makes no sense and angers me. U suck BMS!

When Will Winter Be Over?

We're in the middle of a three day snow storm and I've about had it with winter! I know, I've said it before.. but I really haven't been enjoying winter much anymore. The older I get the more I desire warmer weather. Not only does it bring the cold and snow, but lately its been bringing sickness.

A few weeks ago we all recovered from H1N1 (the swine flu) Some of us were not hit very hard. (me, the hardy healthy one! heh.) And others were. Persephone had to be hospitalized in what was probably the scariest night for me. Two spinal taps, a catheter, blood labs drawn and redrawn, every exam in the book, xrays, .... on a 6 week old baby is not fun. No, I can think of a million things I would rather have been doing for those 4 days. But eventually she got better. Eventually we all get better.

Now only a few weeks later, and Ivy has been sick for two days. She's had a fever of 104 today, and been in bed since Thursday. Poor girl. She was so excited to go to school on Monday and show everyone her new glasses, but I don't think she's going to make it. Hopefully she'll be feeling better tomorrow but I think the fever will hang on. Chief complaints? Head pain, neck pain, stomach pain, fever, throwing up. I've had a headache for a few days now, sore throat and neck pain. Of course, me being mama I don't even realize I'm not feeling well until one of my kids tells me they're sick. Then I seem to take inventory of myself and say, "Hey... come to think of it....my head hurts too.."  I'm known for missing the obvious.

Hey Spring! Can you hear me? I'm done with this winter stuff. I'd appreciate if you'd come a little early this year. Yanno, make things green.. warm stuff up a bit. You can even keep it pretty chilly at 50 degrees if you'd like. Us Mainers will still be outside with shorts on anyway.

I'm going to turn in for the night. 5am comes early around here.

Pipers Scowl

Oh my. .

Piper and Her Snowman

Piper and her snowman!

Its Not a Fish!

Its Piper holding Persephone!

Almost the End of 2009

When you take a group photo of 4 kids six and under, its hard to get a good shot. Someone is either not looking, sticking their tongue out, wiggling too much, and completely out of the shot. This is the best one I got. I like it, even if Piper isn't looking. Again.

So Christmas is over. I know I haven't posted pictures of it. I will. But the tree is already down. I couldn't take it up anymore. Which makes me sad because I remember how much I loved the lights hanging up year round at the farm. I would stare at them and squint my eyes up, and wiggle my head back and forth. I'd watch how the lights would spin when you closed your eyes halfway. How they colors could all swirl into one. I'm not sure how no one knew I was autistic back then. Even to me looking back its pretty obvious. Oh what the power of the internet and google could have done 30 years ago! It would have made sense to my endless spinning. Even when I got older and played with my cousins, I'd manufacturer games that involved spinning. As I watch my daughter interact with kids, I cringe knowing thats how badly I interacted as well. I was bossy and demanding. I know why. I needed them to play the way I was playing because I already had it in my head. THIS was how the Barbies were going to play today. They had boyfriends and they were going to watch and movie. And pretend I said that I loved him. Pretend I was here. Pretend I was there. No! No! Not there! HERE! Uggghhhh over HERE! .... I didn't care what they wanted to do. I didn't like their ideas because I had already written how the playing was going to go. It was already in stone. You can't change that. ..... I watch my 3 year old struggle to play with Ivy because she wants to use her own ideas, and Ivy will have none of that. I've become a broken record; Let your sister play the way she wants to play Ivy. Let her use her own ideas please. Ivy stop telling her what to say. .. Eventually Piper gets tired of it and wanders off to watch tv, which of course leaves Ivy absolutely angry beyond belief because SHE WAS PLAYING!

I look at the picture above and I can see it. I love her to death, and the picture is adorable! However.. her arms are around both the baby and Odin, because then SHE is the one in control. I know her reasons. It helps to control the chaos in her head. It gives her consistency and helps her to know whats happening if she's the one calling the shots. But to others it appears controlling and bossy. And it often leaves Piper out..

One of my New Years Eve things this year... I can't think of the word I'm looking for. Promises... um...oh! Resolutions! One of my resolutions is going to be to make more time for Piper. To pay attention to her more when she talks and grabs my arm. She's the middle girl and she tends to get lost sometimes I think. I don't want that. I want her to know I love her and she's every bit as important as Ivy (chris and my first together and the one with special needs) and Odin (the only boy) and Persephone (the baby) and Sierra (the real oldest but different kid cause she has two homes) .... Piper just IS in all of this, and I want her to feel special too.

I'll post more later, PJ is fussing.

Persephone's First Christmas. 2009