Christmas 2008

 

 

 

 

Shopping at Target

Piper and Odin sure are getting big..

Long Overdue Update.. of sortas.

Alright so it might not be a complete update because really, who has time for that? Most likely I can't remember everything at the moment, but I can try.

Ivy has started Kindergarten. She started Sept 5th, 2008. It was Friday. She got accepted into the full day program, and though I was really worried about her.. she's done well. I worry about things that I realize most of parents probably don't worry about. I worry that she might forget to wipe herself and have wet underwear. She hates her clothes getting wet, would she be able to tell someone whats wrong coherently? I packed a full change of clothes. I'll bet not all the other parents had to do that. I worry that she'll have a hard time in her classes and she'll have to sit in the isolation booth I saw in the school. Now I'm not even sure thats what they use it for, but I'm guessing. I wish I knew for sure because its been on my mind since I saw it at open house. I worry that she'll try to make a friend and be turned down. Though I guess thats happened to most of us at once point. I wouldn't be a very good parent if I didn't wish my kids didn't have to go through everything painful that I did. So she has an hour of OT a week and an hour of Speech therapy a week. So far she's been doing great in both. In fact, she's been doing great in the classroom. No red lights. No yellow lights. She's stayed in the green the whole time. And I've gotta wonder, would she still be doing just as great in their motivational behavior program had she not pretty much secured a diagnosis? Would be they harder on her or expect more from her? I guess I'll never know. And if I had to pick, I'd pick that they're more leniant. The world needs more compassion.

Sierra is in 5th grade this year. For some reason that just seems like its all grown up. 5th sounds older then 4th. Older in ways that seem incomprehensible to me. She is 10 going on 16. Skipping years the way her life skipped from 4 to 8 in my eyes. Years gone that I can't ever get back. No matter. She is here with me now like I knew she would be. Her period came and went, irregular. Years before her peers. Some of which don't even know what a period is or why. Its those parents I strived NOT to be. I wanted my daughter informed, the way I wasn't informed. I was left to find out what things were from dirty books that I'd steal from the local thrift store. I suppose my grandmother felt that my father taught me enough. She wears eyeliner now, my daughter. She puts on all the makeup, she runs in the door from school to reapply.. and recently after a sleepover she was so uncomfortable the next day because she didn't have her makeup. The first thing she did when she got home was run to the bathroom to apply. The lines are dark and harsh. Contrasting her face. Forcing me to look at her as a woman. My little girl. My baby. My peanut. Even though she wears makeup, shaves her legs now, and has her period.. I dread that I will soon have to tell her that a "real" bra is almost a necessity. She loves her little sports bras. And most of all she loves that holding onto that type of bra is symbolic to her of holding onto her childhood. Few things remain, if I could but let her keep ahold of that one. I hope she remembers her childhood fondly. I hope I'm not too frequently the subject in a negative light when she inevitably sees the shrink. I love my daughter. She's doing well in school. She is popular with both girls and boys. She loves dance. She misses gymnastics. So I put her in tumbling. I worry that her father will try to change his mind. The same way he asked her if she wanted to go to school in his town with his girlfriend, at his house I'm sure. She said no. I was shocked. Stunned even. Its not often she stands up for how she trully feels. She is getting older... and every day its scary.

Piper is classic two years old. Or more honestly, what has been worse for our family.. the THREES. She screams, cries, kicks, spits, yells at me. But her smile when she's happy breaks my heart. It melts her father, who says she looks just like me. I love her and she is so special. I know she will probably grow up and feel somewhat in the shadows, and I don't want that. I want her to know that she is special in her own right. She is so very loved and wanted, and an important part of our family. Ivy is Ivy. Ivy is autistic. That doesn't mean that Piper isn't special. My therapist make the mistake of saying that I talk about Ivy a lot but she never hears about Piper. That made me pretty defensive for sure. Because I love all my kids and they are all special in their own way. Piper is a snuggle bug. She sleeps in her Dora bed half the night. (Ivy sleeps in a big girl bed in her room) and the other half of the night she is snuggled up with me. She is becoming quite the comedian, and the other two year olds in the neighborhood seem so behind in comparison to her. She's smart, and so loveable.

Odin.. what can I say? He's my boy. I never thought I'd like boys. Duncan left a sour taste in my mouth. Not only because of him, but because I feared my own inability to parent. I dind't want to face those fears. But I did. And the reward is a huge love for my son. I'm proud to say son and not feel like I want to cry. Right now he's 7 months old and crawling everywhere. He's standing up on furniture and crusing slowly. Sometimes he still falls on his face. He's eating big people food, and still nursing. Most of the time he's a good natured loving baby. He loves people in general and is usually smiling. He's wearing 12 month clothes. I love him so much. His hair is so soft and his kisses are so good in that baby sorta way. <3 you Oddie.

Chris and I are doing well. We are how we've been only better. Marraige is something you have to work on. Stranly I wish someone would have told me that before. Well no.. because I'm glad I didnt stay to work it out with him.. however, it seems silly to just sorta realize that its something you need to work on. It doesn't just come naturally. I mean, maybe it does to other people that aren't weird but to me... not much comes easily.

I'm waiting for the dr's office to call me back. They refered me to tessting for Asperger's Syndrome. There will be a bunch of paperwork to fill out and then I'll have the appointment. I'm not sure if I'm excited or scared. Confirmation or denial seems like a huge deal. Everything I put my being on hinges on this appointment. Ah well.. I'll keep you updated.

I suppose I should go to bed. Oh, and I am obligated to tell you I wrote this under the influence. LOL Yes I know it seems a bit disconnected. (ok a lot disconnected) I do realize I write better this way. No, it doesnt make sense all the time, but hey it was easier for me to write. And thats all that matters. Though if this is a blog then I guess it does matter if you can read it coherantly. ... or then again, maybe you could just read a different blog than mine. Yes thats it.

Alright peeps, I'm out. Peace.
PS. Remind me to tell you about the neighbors next time.

Are You Ready to Let Go?

School starts soon. Not just for my 10 year old, but also for my 5 year old. She'll be going into Kindergarten in two weeks. They had a lottery for all day K, since its a new thing they're doing. The psychologist suggested that she go all day, but I was leery. She's only done 2 hours a day for 4 days a week of preschool. Is she ready for a jump to 5 days a week, 7am-3pm? I have no idea. But she's going to be doing it. Her name came up in the lottery, and Ivy will be riding the big girl bus with her sister. (thank the Goddess for that! I'm thrilled that she'll be on the bus with Sierra, Nicolas, Sarah, Katrina, and Chris. Not so thrilled that Jenna and David will be on the bus too.. but.. can't be choosy I guess.)

Her IEP is done. Her backpack is bought. Her screening is coming up soon. I'm not sure why they want to screen a child that they already know is autistic, but okay. I don't know what good a screening assessment will do.
Her hair is cut.
She has some new school clothes. Some new supplies.

but I wonder if I'm ready. I'm not worried for the typical mother reasons. I'm worried for other reasons. I'm afraid that kids will tease her. And I know they will. The neighborhood kids do every day. She does things they think are weird and annoying. Will she be able to make friends? How long will it take her to remember their names? Will she be able to tell me about her day? Will they give me a communication notebook so I know whats going on at school?

She'll be in an hour of speech therapy, and an hour of OT a week. Thats what she's been getting now, so she's used to it. However, in school it most likely won't be individual but instead small groups. I'm not sure how well that will go.

She's been having speech and OT privatly all summer with a nice lady named Erin. There have been some speech improvements, at least during sessions. In the real world however it doesn't get applied much. She's been working on social skills with her too. She said when she writes up her paperwork at the end of the summer, she's going to be suggesting that they make her diagnosis official because her speech issues (pragmatics, social issues, expressive) are a match to those of an Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis. And there is no reason to hold off on an accurate diagnosis. Especially when she could be benefiting from more services, and more support. She needs to be in a real social skills class badly.


Her OT comes to the house once a week, and seems to be rather green. I'm not sure if she hasn't much experience with autistic children, or if she hasn't had much experience period. She's nice enough, and I'm happy with her.. but it seems to has to work too much to come to the same conclusion about something that I do. She commented that I should be an OT because I was so knowedgable about it. LOL She seemed to be thrilled and in awe at all I knew and all I've done with Ivy. I didn't tell her its because my children are MY obsession. LOL


Before Ivy ages out of Early Intervention, the OT was able to order Ivy a compression vest in purple. Its made of neoprene and its very cozy. She is also ordering a weighted blanket in Hannah Montana fabric. (I haven't written that Ivy's obsession changed did I? Its no longer Spongebob. Its Hannah Montana. In fact, we had a Hannah Montana party too) So those are two great items that she's getting for her to use. She also got her a brush to use, so we can start a brushing protocol on her for deep pressure input. Ivy likes it.

There is some school shopping left to do. Clothes for Sierra, backpack for her. Some clothes for Ivy. Registration for dance classes is done. And Ivy is down to two more Speech appointments, and one more OT appointments and then its off to school......

I have no choice but to be ready.. Kindergarten here we come!

The Birth of Odin; Otherwise known as, The Baby That Couldn't Wait.

You all know that I've said I have quick births. Well even this birth went beyond what I was expecting....

I woke up Feb 11th and I still had a backache. I attributed the backache to the night before when we took the kids to Jokers. I stood up most of the time, chased kids, etc and was pretty uncomfortable. Not one single contraction though the whole time we were there. I went to bed early that night.

I got up at 5 AM to fill my daughters sippy cup so she'd go back to sleep. When I laid back down I noticed my back still freaking hurt. But I'm on an air mattress on the floor, so sometimes I sleep wrong anyway. I was able to fall asleep so it wasn't that bad. I woke again shortly before 7am when my oldest left for school and said goodbye. I tried to lay back down, but couldn't fall asleep. So I decided to get up, I posted here on the forum at 7:18am. When I stood up to go to the bathroom I had a contraction that didn't feel that great. It was the first one in days. A few minutes later another came. This time I had to stop walking. I decided to wake up my husband and I went into the bathroom to put some make up on and brush my hair. My husband asked me if he should call his sister and let her know not to go into work today. I said I wasn't sure yet. I wanted to sit down for a minute and see if they would go away. One contraction later, I told him to call his sister. He scurried around the house trying to get the girls dressed, and a bag with diapers, wipes, a sippy cup, medication, etc all packed up. I giggled at him once because he looked so cute being all frazzled.

I posted to the forum again that we were leaving at 7:52 AM. The road here was bumpy and it was really painful getting out of it. We drove to his sisters house and dropped the girls off. My 4 year old and 2 year old waved goodbye and were in really good spirits about spending time with 'Auntie". She said, "How are you doing?" when she walked by the car and I said, "No talking."

I had called the school before we left the house and asked them to dismiss my oldest. We swung by the school that was very close by and picked her up. She was ready outside the school and both her and my husband ran back to the car. Contractions were really strong now. I was breathing through them, but finding it hard to keep my muscles loose and not tense up. I put the seat back in the car.

My husband got on the turnpike and got angry when the change thingy said he didn't have enough. He threw more money in and sped off. My daughter giggled at something, and I thought she was laughing at me. I whined "Please don't laugh at me." and started to cry. Then I realized.. I was in transition already, and this wasn't good. My labors are short. Too short for me to be in the car during this. I told my husband, "If I told you what this felt like, you wouldn't be too happy." he said, "What?" I said, "This feels like it does right before I push.."

My husband drove as fast as he could. I saw the speedometer hit 90 and even though I wanted to yell at him, the other part of me didn't care. My daughter had turned white in the back seat. Then I said, "Pushy pushy!" My husband begged, "No pushy! Hold on! Your water hasn't broken yet has it?" "No,... " and just at that moment, my water broke. "Uhh.. YES! Yes it did! Pushy pushy!" "No pushy honey!"

He ran red lights, stop signs, and passed cars on the left. Some UAV of a driver kept putting on his brakes in front of us to make a point. We had our hazards on and even passed two state troopers going 45 miles over the speed limit and they didn't stop us.

I was trying not to push so much and holding the baby in, when he got to the ER and ran inside yelling, "My wifes having a baby!" I expected someone to come out, but no one did. Instead my husband comes back with a wheelchair and says, "Get in!" I looked at him and whined, "I can't! The baby is right heeeeeeeerrrreee!" but I sat down anyway, kinda sorta. Then a nurse appeared all calm and collected and said, "First baby?" I held up four fingers and said, "The baby is coming!" My husband ran through the hospital pushing me, my 9 year old running behind us. The woman yelled, "Having a baby! Coming through! Excuse us!" and I can remember people staring at me while I tried so hard to hold the baby in. I put my hand behind me at one point and felt the babys head right there full inside me.

There were nurses huddled together chatting, and looked at me as we ran towards them. One of them walked off saying, "I'll get the monitor.." and I yelled, "I don't need a monitor! The baby is coming now!" and I pulled the front of my pants down and the babys head came out, and his body right afterwards. My husband caught him before he fell down my pantleg, and the nurses stood there stunned. Someone ran over to slip the cord from around his neck, and they suctioned him and gave him oxygen. I guess there was meconium in the amniotic fluid, most likely because I had to hold him in.

I remembered to say, "My daughter gets to say what it is. Let her say it!" and as my husband put him on my chest, my daughter peeked and yelled out, "Its a boy! Its a boy!" and sure enough, it was!

My daughter took a picture of us in the wheelchair. Our first picture.

A few minutes later my doctor walked in and said, "I heard someone in the hallway say someone was out here giving birth and I figured I'd check.. oh.. its you!" the nurse looked at her and said, "Is this your patient?" and my OB said, "Yes! It is!... and next time I'm inducing you! Wow!"

I ended up having a small tear, needing only two stitches. Odin nursed right away like a champ, and is gorgeous. 8 lbs 10oz, 20 inches long. Born at 8:49 AM. Barely in the hospital. Caught by Daddy. We are so in love with him.

We only stayed about 24 hours in the hospital. It was basically room service for us. Every person that came into the room called him the Baby the Couldn't Wait, and Daddy nicknamed him Speedy. Even the cafeteria people knew how he came into the world, and people outside the ward stopped to say goodbye on our way home. LOL It was definatly a wild and crazy birth story, and not a part of my birth plan! I was going for a water birth!

He's grown a lot since I first wrote this post and put it on my myspace page. I can't believe he's already two months old. Time really does fly by doesn't it?

The girls adore him, and I have to fend them off every day because they have a tendency to love him a little too much. LOL

At two months he is cooing up a storm and smiling at everyone and nothing at all. He looks so much like his daddy! Oddly though, he looks a lot like Piper and she looks like me. So we'll see...

He's finally not gasping for breath every time I take him outside, so we've been able to hang out with our new neighbors. Oh! Its been so long since I blogged that I didn't even write about our great move! Or Sierra coming back to live with me. (come to think of it, I don't think I even wrote anything about expecting baby #4 either. Well now you know!)

I'm getting to Treasure Mapping a bit late this year. Shamefully late really. But I have faith that it will help just as it did last year. Every single thing on there has come true. Everything.

I need to update more about the things that have happened here at a later time. I feel like there is a great time gap going on.

Laterz

The Great Divide Widens

Its been warming up here the past week. All the neighborhood kids have come out to play, and Ivy has been meeting them and in theory.. making friends. She seems oblivious to their looks, or their comments, or the tone in their voice... and I so wish that I was oblivious too, because it kills me to listen to them talk to her the way they do.

I can hear it in their voice.. "Oh my god.. she is weird!" when they say, "Let's go um... play over.. there.. somewhere not here.. (with her)"

I can see the looks they glance to each other and the whispers.

I can read between the lines when they tell her that they want to be her friend and then ask to go play at her house so that they can play together with each other and exclude her.. but use all her toys in her room.

I watch them laugh as she gets upset about something they said in fun.

I watch them call her names because she's a bit behind in some things. They taunt her, "You're a baby! Only a baaabyyyy doesn't know how to ride a bike! You can't even ride a tricycle!" And then I fight back the tears as I watch her sit there in silence.. pushing with everything she has on the pedals of that tricycle.. trying so hard.. so determined... I encourage her to keep trying, "Great job pushing your feet! Keep trying!" After awhile she finally gets off and shrugs her shoulders, and says "I change my mind. I change my mind."

I smile as I see her with her arm around one of her new friends.. and then fight to control myself when I watch her "friend" knock her arm away and say, "don't touch me!" I see the look on her face of confusion. I wish I could make her understand... but before I'm done thinking that thought, she has forgotten about it and moved on to something else.

Falling asleep at night she says, "Mama, do you love me or hate me?" and I know that someone has said this to her today... and she's trying to figure it out in her mind. Repeating those things that trip her up. I bite my tongue and hold back tears for what seems like the hundredth time today... I can do this. I can. I can hold it together.

"Mama loves you Ivy. Always."
"I don't hate you either. Either. I don't. I don't hate you." she says. "But some kids do. Its okay. Its an accident. Its okay." she smiles and closes her eyes.

I know that every child goes through days like today. I know every parent feels those pangs of sadness and helplessness. Its her innocence that makes it hard. Everything she experiences is like Teflon. No matter how much it hurts me, on the surface it seems to slide right off her. I only wonder how much it really slides off... how much sticks there? How much will she carry with her forever? And am I doing enough? How can I be there for every social exchange 24/7?

Does the feeling in the pit of my stomach ever go away?

Spring Brings Change

Spring is finally here. I'm choosing to ignore the fact that there was a snow storm yesterday and another 6 inches of snow on the ground. Really. Lets just pretend that didn't happen m'kay?

I've been waist deep in the middle of some massive spring cleaning. Not just cleaning, but decluttering. Why? Because we've decided that enough is enough. I'm tired of this apartment. We've been here for five years. Third floor, no yard. Three kids. You do the math. We've had trouble with other tenants in the past few years with "noise" the kids make. Normal playing on the floor noise. Toddler learning to walk noise. Nothing we can prevent. Its really impacted my life and the way I parent negatively. I don't want to keep repeating over and over again, "Please walk softly." "Don't use the car on the floor hun. On the rug." "Don't play with that toy there, its too loud." Blah blah blah repeat. I want them to be able to PLAY. You know, the things kids are supposed to do. And that just can't happen here.

To make matters worse, we've had a roof rat infestation and bed bugs from the neighbors. Management knows and has done nothing to help. Nothing. My cats are killing rats daily and its grossing me the fuck out. I can't walk in my house without shoes on because there are so many holes in this damn place I'm afraid of rats popping out all the time. Yes, we need to move.

We decided to put an application in to the low income housing complex in town. It really is a beautiful place. Dh's sister lives there so that will be nice for us. Playgrounds, grass, sidewalks. 3 or 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, ground floor with an upstairs, back yard fenced in. Grassy hills to play on, sled on. The local swimming area is a 5 minute walk down the street. Its perfect for us.

We were on the waiting list before, and we turned it down because we would lose our current subsidy and that scared me. We worked hard to get it, and though the housing has its own subsidy it doesn't carry over. Its only good while you're there. I imagine we'll be there a long time though. Its a great place. From what I can tell we'll be number 6 or so on the list. Last time we were 25 or so and our name still came up, so I'm hopeful it won't be too long. My goal is to move in 2007. Cross your fingers and hope positive that our wait on the list will be short! We need this move so much!

So thats a large reason I've been decluttering. The prospect of moving has me happy to get rid of things to make it easier on us. Salvation Army is coming Monday to take away 2 tv's and 16 bags of kids and adult clothing ripped from our closets. All the saved clothes from my kids. Gone! Really. I don't need that many. I saved the really nice stuff that I might use for another baby someday, and sentimental things. Everything else got the boot. My bed got the boot to the dump as well. Whatever was biting us is only in the bed room. I don't know if its the bed, but we got rid of it all the same. We're all sleeping on the futon in the living room now and have been bite free all week. Lets hope it stays that way. The bedroom is closed off and nearly empty so whatever it is stays there. I hope.

The above pictures were taken on Saint Patricks Day at my sister in laws house. The family and my gorgeous babies.

Someone please tell the snow its time to go. Happy Ostara!

New Look For My Blog

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. (sorry x-DH I know you're disappointed) I have been busy trying to find a new template that works with the new Blogger since the beta-thats-no-longer-beta broke mine. And finally, here it is! Yes I know I could have used one of Bloggers templates, but none appeal to me.

A real post coming soon. I'm off to nurse DD back to sleep.

Far Away- World of Warcraft

My World of Warcraft Movie

My Freaky Pet Day (not a school essay paper)

Okay, yesterday was the oddest day I've ever had. Totally bizzare.

Magick (my big black cat) was missing, and we could hear him meowing out back but couldn't find him. We took out the entire storage twice, and its a freaking mess now. Still no cat. We took off the sheet rock out there, no cat. Finally we were able to tell that the sound was moving. Sure enough, he was stuck behind the wall. The wood wall. Ya know, the one the house is actually made with? LOL Apparently there was a small hole out there in the back room that he fit into, but couldn't fit OUT of. We had to take off some of the wood out there and he popped his head out. It took nearly 7 hours yesterday to rescue him. I was so worried he would die in the walls and we wouldn't be able to get him out.

(Magick before he got fat and huge)

Then, at about 3am Ivy woke up screaming. She pointed to the tv and said, "A wolf! A wolf!" and was hysterical. (we sleep in the living room right now) I thought she was dreaming and calmed her down and told her to go back to sleep. A few minutes later something touched my foot and jumped on the couch next to me. I saw a tail, thought it was a cat... then KNEW it was not. It slithered. It ran. It was too big to be a mouse (which we do have, but the cats kill them pretty well)

So I grabbed both kids up and ran out of the room screaming like a maniac. I guess my brain knew what it was even though I was freaking out. It was a ferret. Yes, a ferret. And no, we DON'T have one!!! I woke Chris up and he came out. The ferret ran into the bathroom and we closed the door. We got an old gerbil cage we had and put it inside of it. Ivy has no idea what a ferret is, never seen one so she's screaming "A SKUNK!!! AHHHHHHH!" and even I'm jumpy. I mean, it crawled across our bodies at 3am ya know? LOL

I went downstairs to the only neighbor in the building I wasn't sure didn't have one, and knocked.
"Do you have a ferret?!"
"Uh, ya. why?"
"Your ferret is upstairs in my house!"
"huh?"

Apparently they let it roam loose and couldn't find it. It had gone through holes and whatnot, from the second floor right side, to the third floor left side. Ugh. I hope it doesn't happen again. I finally got the kids back to sleep an hour later. I'm still creeped out. I don't like ferrets and I don't like this neighbor either.

So my question is, was there some sort of pet zodiac thing going on yesterday? Something not lined up in the stars right? Cause it was the most freaky pet day I've ever had!! LOL

The Marriage Penalty Woes

I have had time to post. I just haven't. I figure the honest response is better than the typical "my life has just been SO busy lately!" The past few weeks its been getting so cold here. I suddenly realize why old people move to Florida. Something does happen to your body as it gets older. It starts to rebel against the cold winds and the impending snow storms. Its a sign I'm definatly aging. Born and raised in Maine, I no longer look forward to winter like I used to.

So what have I been up to aside from moping about the weather? First and foremost, I did cut my hair. Money became tight this month so I chopped it off myself. Its crooked and uneven and honestly looks pretty bad. Goddess willing I'll be able to have the money next week to get to the hairdresser and get it cut how I want it. I'm still going super short! (why, when I'm freezing as it is.. I'll never know.) Technically I had the money to get it done this month, but I just couldn't justify spending the money on myself. Yes, I'd rather walk around with crooked hair all month than feel guilty because I used the precious money on myself.

And precious money it is becoming!
/rant on

Social Security sent me a wonderful letter on my birthday telling me I had an appointment to come in because I neglected to tell them I had gotten married... over two years ago. Umm... no. I went in two weeks after I got married and let them know. I changed my name and updated my social security number. The whole thing. I called them and they pretty much called me a liar. I explained that they sent me a letter telling me that my husbands benefits would be cut in half because of the marriage penalty, and we awaited the change but it never happened. Again the woman didn't believe me. Lo and behold, the amazing woman that I am.. I was actually able to find the piece of paper they sent me two years ago. And I found it while I was still on the phone with them! I read it to her, and she said, "Oh.. umm... bring it in to us please." Ya.. I thought so. Their mistake. Apparently they had forgotten to merge my husbands and my accounts together so they never actually cut his check. I haven't heard anything official yet, but I'm willing to bet money that they'll cut it come November.

After two years of living with the money we had, we'll be forced to give a few things up. Now realize, we don't have a whole lot. So this feels pretty darn unfair. Nothing has changed. We've lived together for almost five years. The only thing that changed was a piece of paper and suddenly we're expected to be able to live on almost $4oo.00 less a month than we currently are. There goes the tv. I'm damn lucky the car just got paid off. (the old crappy 97 Pontiac I have) and who knows what else will go since there isn't much else we have thats "luxury." No, in fact.. there are only two other things.. my internet connection (forget it jackasses.. I'm NOT giving it up) and my subscription to World of Warcraft. (Yes, I'm an MMO nerd. Deal with it.) Thats all I have. No magazines, no gym memberships, no dinners out every week, no cable tv. Hell, I've even got a crappy self haircut to save money. So yes, I'm a bit miffed about this "penalty." I don't think it makes any sense and I don't see why they penalize for a piece of paper when it changed nothing. No other program penalizes for marraige, in fact.. others give back for marriage. Thats the US government for ya.. Oh! You're poor? Well then, we'll have to penalize you for things that we don't rich people. Its only fair after all..

Meh..
/rant off

Halloween festivities have been happening this week. I was able to take the girls and the neighbor kids to the Halloween party at the community center. They had a great time, and Ivy even won a special bag of prizes because her costume was "so wonderfully cute" the woman said.

Other than hunkering down from the cold, and doing Halloween things.. not too much has been happening. Personally I'm in a bit of a lull with this weather. Not run down tired feeling, but a bit apathetic. I'm trying to keep connected with the kids and not space out my entire days. I make sure to squeeze in enough ooomph to paint or do play doh with them. Some nights I just hit refresh on my Gmail account and stare. Hows that for pathetic confessions from cyberspace?

Myspace has been a fun place to read. I'm not sure why I go there, except maybe a faint tiny hope of changing some of those parents minds about how they treat their kids. I'm pushy. I try hard not to be rude, but after sitting through post after post about how people just "lock the door and turn off the monitor so I don't hear him scream. Yay! Now I can sleep at night!"... and "When my daughter is bad, I spank her butt. Its not going to hurt her. She's 6 months old and knows how to make me mad."... Sometimes there are no words to say. No polite ones to find. All I can muster on those nights is, "I'm sorry for your children."

Yes, I'm a rude bitch. I'm a "breastfeeding Nazi" and a "tree hugging hippie." I will not apologize for how I raise my children or how many mistakes I see parents make. And yes, beating your kids and leaving a 3 month old baby to scream all night alone.. ARE mistakes. Sadly they are not being made because the mothers are ignorant. No, they are very informed and just choose to take the "easy" route. They choose to be neglectful and abusive. And boy are they mad at anyone who suggests they are! I haven't come to the conclusion of whether I should just drop the nice route and straight up say it how it is.. or keep on trying to be nice and polite even when I don't feel like it. History shows I'll probably keep taking the higher road, but oh.. it would feel sooo nice to be like them for once.

Can't... take it.... must... cut....hair..

My last pregnancy was the first one I successfully got through without cutting my hair. For some reason I always feel this massive need to cut it off when I'm pregnant. Not last time! I made it! And 8 months beyond that too. I'm officially a dreadlock dropout now. I had them for 5 months. Naturally. What I learned is, my hair dreads wonderfully! Almost too well to do it naturally. It all wanted to dread together, and I spent a lot of time separating. I didn't mind a few congos here and there, but I wasn't really out to have a beaver tail ya know? So.. I spent the last week combing them out.

Yes, it really took a week. And about 6 inches of my hair cut off. I'll be getting it cut and styled next week, but for now it just grazes the top of my shoulders. Horribly crooked as well. LOL Hey, I never claimed to be a hair stylist.

I think I'm going for a short short look right now. Something along these lines.

What I posted on my mirror today

I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and a virgin.
I am the mother and the daughter...
For I am knowledge and ignorance.
I am shame and boldness.
I am shameless, I am ashamed.
I am strength and I am fear...
I am the one who has been hated everywhere
and who has been loved everywhere...
You honor me...and you whisper against me...
For I am the one who alone exists,
and I have no one who will judge me.

Attributed to EVE/LILITH, The Gnosis Archive

Our "Goodbye Summer" beach day

The nights are getting colder, and the days overcast. Soon the trees will have completly changed colors and before long, winter will blow in. This weekend was exceptionally warm and sunny, so we took advantage of it and headed out to the beach.

"Me time"

I've been thinking a lot lately about "me time" and how its changed so much in the past three years. I won't lie and say that I am so self assured, so together and so selfless that I no longer require "me time." The truth is, I would give almost anything to have an hour a week- hell, an hour a month, where I wasn't on the clock. I love my children, and I wouldn't trade my reality for someone elses fantasy even if it were dished out on a silver platter with a sprig of parsley on the side. All I need is some time to reflect. To feel. To go inside my own head, or not. To shower uninterrupted, or even soak in bubbles maybe. To read a book and glean more than one sentence in between screams of someone jumping on someone elses head. To wash my face in the morning and get dressed before my day, as oppossed to a rinse and throwing on something on my way out the door, kids in tow and late as usual.

Perhaps my choices are to blame for my inability to "do it all." Maybe if I had been more mainstream in my parenting. My oldest child was not nearly as demanding or time consuming. She was formula fed and sleep "trained" at 8 months old. By one year she was in a toddler bed and going to sleep on her own. Sure she came out, and I put her right back. I did just what all the books say to do. I cut off my emotions to do the "right" thing for her. When it was all said and done, I walked away with blocks of time that were all for me, uninterrupted showers, bubbles, time to be with myself, and guilt that followed me for years. Would I trade my soul and instincts again, just for that sought after "me time?" No. I wouldn't. The price is just too high.

So how do I get through these years sanely, knowing my parenting choices are whats standing between me and "me time?" When most of your friends and family think you're off your rocker to begin with for even doing half the things you do. Breastfeeding for not only a month, but three years and counting! Tandem nursing her sister and not forcing either to wean. Slinging them instead of putting them down. Attempting my best at Gentle Discipline instead of a swat on the rear for everything. Co-sleeping and encouraging family togetherness instead of actvities with strangers 7 days a week. Add the prospect of Unschooling into the mix, and there you have it! From the outside world I look completly insane. How do I keep those voices at bay? Am I supposed to want "me time" or was that supposed to be tossed out the window as soon as I took the narrow path of attachment parenting? How can you voice your frusteration for being on call 24/7 to friends who made the choice before their children were even born that "Children will NOT keep me down!" You can't. There is just no way to voice it without your choices coming back to slap you in the face. For once I'd just like acknowledgment that what I'm doing is hard. Not sarcastic comments like, "Well thats what yooooou wanted, so you've got to deal with it now." I learned a long time ago that I couldn't vent my breastfeeding frusterations to anyone because they simply didn't understand. "Time to wean!" they'd tell me. Eventually I just shut my mouth. Unless I was willing to submit to mainstream ideas, and throw in the towel- they didn't want to hear me vent or complain. And whining certainly was off limits.

Let's not forget the extreem guilt there is involved with even wanting to have "me time." I self sabotoage any time I might have by doing something that doesn't qualify as for me. Oh! The baby is asleep and the little one is playing quietly! I could read a book, or get dressed, or maybe watch the sun set. Instead I aimlessly wander to the laundry pile and start sorting. Or sweep the floor again. Or maybe one of those things on the list of "have to do's," like fill out a baby book (or two) that have been forgotten as life went by. Return a phone call I dread, but know I should. Something. ANYTHING! As long as its not "me time." To be honest I'm not sure I know what to do with it. It can't be too involved in case the baby wakes up. It can't be too messy in case the little one become uninterested in what she's doing. It can't be too loud. It can't be so engaging that I'll be upset if I'm interrupted. It makes perfect sense why I head to the laundry pile.

I love being a mother, and I'm happy with my choices in life that lead me here. Sometimes though I'd like time to be me. To take off the hat of responsibility and relax. That hat gets awefully heavy at times.


(Ivy and Daddy at her 3rd birthday party, and Piper starting to crawl)

Love is..