The second kiddie table

Its now up and being used. So my meal table can continue to be a
holding spot for my craft things! :D haha naw just kidding. This small
(heh) table IS my crafting table. Now the seats 16 people table will
be for people and food and not my crafts. Lol

So far Odin and PJ are enjoying it a lot.

My new old clock in less than 10 minutes

So what did i do with my time while Piper was at her first day of school? (truthfully Odin was a handful today and PJ is still constipated..'nuff said)

I repainted the clock my sister in law gave me a few years ago. Love the pentacle, hated the silver color. I live silver don't get me wrong, but on jewelry not my walls.

A fresh coat of paint on the clock though, and I love it! Do you? I'm not sure if I'm finished with it or if I want ivy on it, or even an accent light baby sea green or whatever this color is we're using. XD

Bloggers new iPhone Ap..

Well it does pictures, what else? Okay it won't text horizontal so that's obviously got to change. Hmm..

Piper's snack after her kindergarten testing :)

What Chris and I drew together

Ivy can wear regular earrings now! Yay!

The allergy to metal like mine seems to have disappeared? I hope! She
woke these cheap cute ones from Walmart on her first day of school!
She loved them! Finally something that helped her fit in a little more
:) the report on her first day of school? She had a great day! Her one
on one aid was so helpful and she said she helped her through so much.
I have high hopes for this year!

My $200 curio table I bought for $14 and it's first purpose as a focus/meditation altar.

School starts day after tomorrow for Sierra and Ivy. This coming
Thursday is Pipers screening/testing and her open house. Then her
first day of school is on Friday! In 5 days! I'm getting nervous
myself! This is baby #3 that's headed off to school. And Ivy is going
into third grade. It's such a jump. Suddenly there are no cute
pictures on the wall, no colorful chairs, ... I felt a lump in my
throat immediately and realized it was that sudden jump that made 3rd
the worst for me as a child. I'm trying so hard not to add my emotions
into her anxiety. Only positive thoughts allowed! I think the table
will help me as much as it helps them. My babies are growing up. Like
most things I want so much to be as prepared as possible, but I've
learned that parenting doesn't work like that. I could pack the house
with me, bring everything I own, and I can't prepare myself
emotionally and mentally as much as I'd like to. I feel so raw all the
time, changes are happening so fast. Some good some bad. To my brain,
change is bad period. So it's been a rough end to our summer. A rough
start to our school year, as all our ism's and dx's keep us from
feeling calm, rational, and peaceful. Anxiety rips through this house
like wildfire. We'll make it. We have to. Nothing beats anxiety and
fear faster than simply not having a choice. Thank goodness we have
each other, family and good friends. I'm not sure if I would have made
it this far! Thank you. Wish us luck!

When Wordless Wednesday is Every day

My new Nikon. Happy 7 years baby <3

Have you ever caught yourself stuck in so much that you can't properly articulate the situation? Are you ever sinking so fast that you don't have time to ask for help, let alone take a picture or blog about it? Well lately I've had pictures, but nothing else. In fact, taking pictures has been my survival.

For all the new followers, please know this. I take a lot of pictures. Photography is one of my passions. My "special interest" in autism-speak. I also use it as a form of self therapy for myself, and also as a self stimulation and a response to stress. Instead of a cigarette, cookie, or razor blade.. I reach for my camera. Some would say its healthy. Others argue that its excessive. The jury is still out I guess. In any event, please know that I take a lot of pictures. Sometimes its my kids, but often its of nature. Life. I'm obsessed with the moments other people don't catch, or the ones that no one else sees. I love candid photos, and a picture with a smile looking directly at me feels like a million sunburns on my skin. "Ugh! Look away! Smile at that flower or something! .. .much better! Beautiful!"  Eye contact remains an issue, even behind the lens of a Nikon D3100.

Pagan Pride Day 2011. Me. :)

When there are few written words on my blog, not much on my twitter, and close friends or family don't see much on my Facebook.. it means I'm having a hard time. I'm trying to balance being a mom, a wife to a husband going through his own psychological issues and being me. And the me part is being snuffed out. Seriously snuffed out. Suicide crossed my mind the past few months. Cutting returned. So in an effort to stay at an even keel, I have been taking more pictures. I apologize in advance. I know what I find beautiful, or my need to have a record of everything because my memory is so poor.. I know it is of little value to other people. This blog however, means everything to me. It is me. Good and bad. Boring and uninteresting. Bold and blunt. Emotional and irrational. Its mine. So few things I can say that with. With that said, please be gentle with any comments you leave me. My shields are down and theres no way they can be repaired quickly. Its going to take some time. <3

Persephone playing games on the iPhone tonight <3

Piper getting her hair done, deciding which one to try on her first day of school. She is so excited!! :). (so am I lol for the first time I am counting the days lol)

Piper's mobile spinning in my living room

She is so crafty! Always coming up with new ideas every minute. I gave
her a "special craft box" that I throw my leftover "stuff" from around
the house. Paper towel rolls, glue, ribbon, markers etc. And I don't
have to get

The cat in hat friends sleep in a cat in the hat sock LOL

Ivy and I did origami for the first time today! My rabbit and our hearts <3

Ivy helping sand our wood for shelves. Used to be an old desk, cut up, primed and painted it will look lovely on our walls

The final "rocket"

Odin building a "rocket" AKA a church.

Strawberries that were eaten 10 seconds after this picture was taken..

Our laptop setup for Odin, so I can actually get a few things done too!

Persephone crashes watching tv

Odin & Persephone watching Cat in the Hat together <3

Persephone just woke up and she's listening to the jitterbug lol it's that kind of day ;)

My Late Unhappy Fathers Day Post (that has nothing to do with Fathers day)

You know, I have no issues with my children wanting to express themselves. Sierra went through that phase of her childhood and it was fine. However, Ivy has no style whatsoever and she doesn't know HOW to have a style. She doesn't understand anything to do with social appropriateness and has to be in classes at school just to learn that its not okay to LICK people, but there is no one but me to teach her how to have a style. How to comb her hair, shower, pick clothes that match and look good, have a hair style, etc..  and every single attempt has failed. Repeatedly. She continues to part her short hair directly down the middle, slicked down, and very much DOES look like a boy. Her anxiety sky rockets all the time, "I look like a boy!" "People call me a boy!" "Why do I look like a boy??" and its daily. Yet any attempts to get her to do her hair differently... even as simple as a clip on the side, pulling her bangs sideways, or scrunching the back to give it volume.... are at first met with a little resistance... but then she likes it. She loves it! She takes pictures. She looks at herself in the mirror. She shows everyone. She says how pretty she is. Ten minutes later she suddenly flips the other way and starts screaming that she can't take it, "I want it flat! I want it flat! OMG make it flat! I want it normal! I want it down!" and she puts her head in the sink, wets my house, her head, her clothes.. and frantically does this while screaming and shrieking, and hitting me. Any attempts to console her are futile. She won't say anything else except to just ignore everything I say to her. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't just let her go and expect her to learn eventually. She already gets teased all the time, and bullied daily at school. I want to help her! This isn't about forcing her to wear dresses, or making her change dramatically. This is like, "Here, try a headband." or "How about you tuck your hair behind your ears?" and then we spend a LOT of time looking at styles, and looking at pictures. And she finds so many she thinks are pretty... but she can't do them. She can't keep it. She always goes back to the ball of nothingness. And I am having a hard time separating my feelings. Image via Wikipedia

I have never had an issue with personal style and kids making their own choices. I really don't give a crap. Its hair. But in this case, she is doing it because of her anxiety.. and its not healthy for her to continue to do something that is negatively affecting her SO MUCH... the amount of people and kids that hurt her every day are numerous. And its because of her hair. And I'm helpless because she won't listen to me or keep it the way we put it. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm fucking pissed off right now to be honest. I wasted nearly 2 hours of my day trying to get her hair in a "new way" so that her anxiety about looking like a boy would lessen, and it worked... only for a few minutes to pass and for her to get angry and mad at me for the "new style" that she just seconds ago gushed about. What gives? Is this anxiety driven? How do we get past it? She did this with long hair too. And unfortunatly because of her personal space issues, she always gets head lice from people... and she didn't want to put it up at all. I had to give reinforcements of food if she came home from school with her hair still up. And for awhile that worked. But it seems like this anxiety to have her hair down and flat slicked to her face like... ugh.. its just... it IS weird looking. How do I keep my little girl who people already think is weird, from making herself look weirder? In a quote un quote "normal" child, I would let them do what they wanted and then let the natural course of learning show her different ways.  But Ivy has autism, a cognitive disorder, ADHD, and an anxiety disorder. She can't do it on her own.. What am I supposed to do? Send her out in the world with mismatched clothes, hair that looks disgusting, and just.... let her? *sigh* Parents ARE going to judge me for it. They already have judged me for letting my oldest have her own style and that was minor compared to this.

I don't have kids that dress in expensive perfect matching clothes. I seem to have 4 girls that so far all want to look like boys, or at least don't want to express themselves in any way whatsoever. I guess I have myself to blame for that. I don't have a style myself. I barely shower, I never have a chance to buy or wear proper clothes. And really, for who? For what? So it can get chewed on? Spit on? Nose wiped on? The reality is, I have nothing. I am nothing.

Happy Fathers day. I'm feeling really low after this mornings blow up over hair. I don't know why. Maybe because I can't do ANYTHING to bond with ANY of my kids. And I can't help them or tell them ANYTHING, and have them listen. Yet if someone else tells them, chances are they'll listen then. So really, what good am I besides the maid? I clean things, they mess them up. I cook, they throw around.. possibly eat. I wash. They fuck up. ..... at the end of the day there are always complaints and no thank you's. Not even from my teenager. What little I see of her anymore.

Not having a vehicle is throwing me off in a big way. Its been nearly 2 months with nothing but the occasional use of my cousins car, which I would be grateful for,... if he were not LIVING ON MY LIVING ROOM FLOOR! .... we all know how I get when we have company that overstays their welcome. (which in btw, anything more than a few hours.) I just need my own space. I need to feel safe in my house. I need this to be a place for ME. And its not. It hasn't been for a long time.

Chris finally has his surgery and can walk and help me... and he's not. He's outside with Matthew working on the jeep. Every day. All day. And I'm in here. I'm like an octopus. Arms and legs everywhere, running here and there.. trying to catch things before people get hurt. Trying to always be here saving people, feeding, breaking up fights. And every day loops into the next. I don't have the time or the energy, or the capability, or the gas, or the vehicles or the ability to take my kids out of the house and do something new with them. Or to even do something that isn't new. We haven't been on a walk, or gone swimming at Rotary Park in years. Its been years. And THAT... is pathetic.

I feel like I'm rotting on the inside slowly every day.  I wake up and the cycle starts all over again. And its not like planting a flower and watching it grow and nourishing and taking care of it.... and then seeing what it turns into. This.. this is painful. This is more than painful. This is watching life happen around me, and watching me... away from myself.. trying to keep up. Having no time to even reflect on anything that makes me feel happy. Its why there are rarely any happy status messages (something I've been chastised for recently. Go figure.) and why my blog posts are usually angst ridden or angry, or overly emotional. Because its in THESE moments, that I sit here at the computer and fire off posts and messages. Somehow when its something i want to say thats happy, the need to write isn't as strong. ..... coping. Its a coping skill I guess. ... my feeling starts to fade by the time the message is written... and I can feel my anger lessening. So I guess I'm using it as a coping mechanism to get through the emotional feelings I'm having at the time. Silently slamming computer keys is my version of hitting people or screaming. And in a case like the trigger today... I have no reason to be angry, yet I am. I am.. hurt. I put so much effort into everything I do..   and I was so happy that she was happy about her hair. I even took pictures. And then she snapped and flipped backwards. And it caught me off guard. Instead of looking at it rationally today and knowing (duh) that she has anxiety issues. (I knew she would take it out. I did know.) I got carried away in the happy feelings I was having, and thus.. it feels personal when she flipped the other way and started yelling about her hair. ..... So how can the happy moments mean something to me.. how can I hold onto the happy ones, when they get negated? Because THAT is the issue.

I bribe people, or give in to people desires because I need them happy so that I can be happy. And lately there are so many issues, and needs, that at every moment....someone is unhappy. On the rare occasion that all my younger kids are happy at the same time, and Chris and I are happy at the same time.... in walks Sierra from outside in the crappiest mood I've seen ever. Any attempts to talk to her are met with the traditional teenager attitude of "What?" and "so?" and "ya." etc. complete with eyerolling, shoulder shrugging, whatevers, and the pissiness that goes along with it. And again I find myself trying to cheer up the person that is upset. "I have a candy bar, want to share it with me?" "Sure" but the mood remains. I try something else. And more. And every time that her mood stays the same, its like a knife through my heart.

With Chris, he wants games. And his face lights up when he talks about a new game he wants. And then he begs and pleads like a little boy. "Pleeeease?" and I want him to stay happy. I want to see that smile on his face and that twinkle in his eyes. So I give in. Even though he already bought a game. And we can't afford it. And I think its horribly unfair that he gets TWO $60 games and I have bought nothing for myself that month.. Buy? I've had one shower this month. I don't even get to take care of the basic needs like peeing, showering, eating, etc..  they get put off and put off. Why? Do they really stop me? I feel like attitudes and moods stop me. Facial expressions stop me. I want to keep people happy...  ...  I'm not sure what this is, or how to fix it. And for once in my life I haven't googled it yet. This is the root to most of my issue I think, personally and as a mother.

How can I be happy despite everyone else's moods? Is this an autism thing? Is this a woman thing? A mom thing? A fucked up in the head thing? Help me.

Persephone is stylish and sassy in purple shades!

Ivy reading bedtime stories to Piper and Persephone :)

Odin's "pretty pretty toes" he did himself this morning after he snuck out of bed. :(

Blogger has angered me.

I spent the better half of this week writing a post about my recent trip to the doctors and my week (so far) on Ritalin. I'm quite angry that it told me it was saving my blog via the "auto save" and now its not here. A few days our electricity was on and off because of thunderstorms, and every time my computer started back up, the blog post would still be intact. The day I try to post it however, its missing.

I just wanted to share my anger, because I worked really hard to give a picture of my first week on a stimulant (for the first time in my life). Hopefully I can find it in myself to re-write it. For now, I'll continue to grumble.

When Empathy and Advocacy Collide, Will You Speak Up?

Image via WikipediaI recently read the post, "Empathy and Advocacy: Closing the Gap" by blogger Lynne Soraya who writes the blog "Asperger's Diary" on the Psychology Today website. She contacted me on my twitter @AutisticMama and said that she was interested in my opinion as a parent.

Being autistic myself, and also being a mother to children on the Autism Spectrum I can say that I've been in both situations quite a few times and I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer. Like many other situations in life, the choice to stand up and speak out is individual.

It's really hard for me to be in public and see how common it is for people to react negatively to others, no matter what the issue is. I think perhaps because I'm actively not looking at them, I am picking up on everything else. I can feel and hear far more than most neurotypical people around me can. I don't see it though, I feel it. This type of emotional response is more common than I once thought, common among those of us with an Autism Spectrum Disorder anyway. Once thought to lack empathy, professionals are starting to realize that our emotional responses are often too much, not too little. And often times the emotions are being received at such a fast rate, that we become overwhelmed. Bombarded and assaulted by our senses. As always, research is ongoing as to why this occurs.

I usually know instantly when I'm around someone that is cognitively or neurologically different somehow. There is an unspoken language I think. I see those subtle signs of stress, or agitation. I can see that they aren't gazing at a flower, or walking by daydreaming. Instead I can see that they're counting the petals on the flower, and humming the theme song to a TV show over and over while running their index finger round and round on their thumb nail.

I see these things because I live with them daily in myself. (this is of course a doubled edged sword. It means I am capable of seeing when my autistic children are coming close to meltdown point, but sometimes my mommy-mode mind isn't listening. This is incredibly frustrating for me and I will tell you honestly that I do feel guilty every day for trying too hard to be a neurotypical mom when I'm not. It's a difficult line to ride.)

I can't tell you the number of times I've seen children flapping, spinning, or scripting to themselves and watched interactions with their parents and been shocked to learn later (in cases that they become acquaintances )that the parents don't see their children in distress at all. In fact, they complain of all the typical autism symptoms, but don't realize their child is autistic at all. Meltdowns are called temper tantrums, stimming is called "being a freak" or the child " being a weirdo." and other behaviors are receive responses like, "He is all boy!" and "she's just a sensitive girl that's shy and keeps to herself."

Now I'm all for not labeling everyone just for the heck of it, but I still cannot fathom in this day and age how people can't know their child is autistic. Then I remember...before autism was a part of our lives; I didn't know either. I just didn't know.

It's like not knowing anything about Parry-Romberg syndrome or Ribose-5-phosphate isomerase deficiency. Why don't I know anything about those disorders? Simple. Its because they haven't impacted my life yet. Is that a great way to live, running around completely ignorant that these disorders are affecting children? No. Its also not feasible that I learn about every disorder and disease out there. (at least not without obtaining a degree while doing so) Familiarizing myself with the "most common" diseases and syndromes is do-able. And Autism should be on that list for people I think. I think its do-able for every person out there. (Of course I also believe everyone should know how to perform CPR.)



It takes time though. Awareness doesn't happen overnight. To be honest, the arguing among professionals about the different types of autism and where and how they're going to change things is off-putting to people. No one wants to hear more about a subject that is so filled with emotion and anger. Its like shying away from discussing politics. Autism has become like that. A subject that seems to have only two sides, those that know nothing and those that think they know everything.

Finding common ground and coming together to help people become more aware needs to happen first within the autism community, before we can reach others. Its just surrounded by controversy and drama. How can I even begin to talk to people about it when many have their own opinions about it already.

"Just another crackpot diagnosis."
"Just another excuse for poor behavior and bad parents."
"Another ADHD"
"Yep sure, everyone has that nowadays."

Add in the vaccine debates and its just not friendly waters.

That being said, whether I speak up or not in a situation like the one above would depend on a number of factors. What exactly did they say? Was it loud enough for a lot of other people and/or the mother and child to hear? Was it very rude or very ignorant? How am I feeling that day? Have I met my social limit already? Am I already stimming like crazy myself and looking for the exit? Do I have my hands full with my own screaming kids? What do the people look like? Despite what they might have said, do they otherwise seem like they might accept me saying something to them, or do they look like they might scream at me for butting my nose in? Do I even have enough reserve left for me to really look at them and not just look around them? If I don't have enough reserve left to even look at them to assess the situation, then I won't attempt to say anything at all.

I try really hard to look at mothers in those situations and give them my "I know how hard it is, I understand" look. (which may come across as the creepy I'm watching you look.. I might need to practice more) If I have enough reserve to do all those things above, and find them to seem to be people that would be somewhat kind if I spoke up.. then I might say something like, "She seemed to me like she might be ____(insert something here) developmentally delayed, autistic, etc. Sometimes depending on initial reaction, I might then say that my daughter is autistic as well and that many children with autism flap their hands (for example)

Stopping to gauge their reaction is important because then I try very hard to know if they want or need more information, or if they think I'm a weirdo and they're secretly wishing I'd fall off a cliff. Sometimes I botch this part up. When I get nervous and think I'm doing something socially inappropriate (butting my nose in) I often do it more, or continually, because I get stuck in a loop and panic. Not very helpful.

I tend to use my own experiences rather than the child/parent in question. That way I feel like I'm not broadcasting their business everywhere. And of course, I also preface anything I say with words that make it very clear that I don't know 100% that the child is autistic. She could have a brain tumor, or some other neurological disorder. I don't know.

However I do know that being rude isn't helpful to the mother or the child, and if I can make them think about the situation in a different light, then awareness has been achieved. Because in the end its not just about autism awareness. Its about acceptance, compassion and empathy for fellow humans. No matter what the diagnosis of the child might be, its secondary to the lesson in being kind and non judgmental towards other human beings.

Related articles

• Empathy and Advocacy: Closing the Gap (psychologytoday.com)

My Mini Lady Gaga & the screen protector

Our screen protector came today! I'm so happy! We took it out of the box and it was generously packaged in
bubble wrap. As you can see Odin took to the bubbles and completely covered himself in them! 10 minutes later he is still wrapping and rolling, stuffing and laying on it. Seems so odd to me because it's so loud! Yet that sound he is ok with! (and it's driving me crazy listening to it!)

We're waiting for daddy to come back from picking up Peach at preschool and then we'll put this new screen protector on our tv. We bought the tv about a month ago and we've been saving it ever since. Stressful! And we aren't in the position to just buy a new one if the kids break it. We would have nothing for a long time. I can't justify buying a flat screen for no reason. I was shocked to find out that these tv's break easily! What?! Ack! *dove across the house to save or from a Tonka truck again. I started researching a solution and found that a zillion people sell screen protectors. Finally, at 3 am I decided on one from tvscreenprotector.com and after a large amount of money, my husband bought it.

Review coming shortly! We have 5 kids, four of them are 7 and under.. Two of them are autistic, and ADHD, and 3 have anxiety disorders. One has a cognitive disorder, another has speech and articulation disorders. They all love to dance and move around and use my house like a playground. So this screen protector has GOT to be good. I'll let you know how easy it was to install and any issues we find, in my review. Boy I can't wait to put it on!

The Spiral

It reminds us where we came from, and reminds us that the journey is just as important as the final destination. In a world that revolves around instant gratification and fast answers, the spiral reminds us to take our time and slow down. Thank you Ivy for reminding me today. :)

Ivy's Artwork

This is such a beautiful picture made with a mixture of paint, crayon, pastels, chalk and pencil. Ivy brought it home today. I can't wait to frame this one and hang it in our living room! I remember being her age (7) and being so proud of myself and my artistic ability. I want her to feel proud of herself too. :) I have a few more pictures that need scanning, I'll upload them a little later. Color for my walls! Happy Beltane!

Why I'm Not Celebrating

The other night I received a text from my mother in law telling me to turn on the news. Since we live in different states, this could only mean it was something national. First I refreshed my Twitter feed since I was holding my Iphone but I saw nothing. I turned on the news, and there on the ticker I saw it.

Image via Wikipedia

"Osama Bin Laden confirmed dead. US has body. President Obama to speak shortly and address the nation."

I heard the TV announcer saying that this was a monumental day and would go down in history as a great accomplishment for the United States. I felt for sure that I should have felt a positive emotion at reading that, since others did. I re-read it again. Still, I felt nothing but a sense of unease, and sadness. I remembered a post once directed at me on an online forum, a conversation about war and politics that got heated.. "You're anti American! You have no pride for your country!" For the first time I contemplated the words I saw years before. Maybe they were right? Maybe I'm ashamed of my country. Maybe I don't understand "pride."
Image via CrunchBase
I did my Twitter duty and I re-posted the news because there was nothing on my feed about it. I wanted to help update and let the world know the news, because like it or not..its news. Then suddenly the Twitter feed started updating with the happy exclaimations by people. Not just reports, but jubilation. Cheers and shouts. And it was constant. They didn't update once or twice, but continuously. And then we waited for the "formal" confirmation by the president. I watched his announcement. I struggled to find different emotions. The "right" emotions.
Image by thisisbossi via Flickr
I debated what to put as my status on Facebook that night. Anything that I felt, seemed out of place. Again, I was the odd one out. Was updating my status important enough to rock the boat? Am Image via WikipediaI strong enough to deal with the aftermath? Am I making something out of nothing again? This is such a big issue for so many people. its intertwined in our politics. It IS our politics. Its not something we talk about over dinner. I stay far away from politics. Don't get me wrong! I do my research and I vote. (I even bring my kids with me!) I just don't seem to be able to stand on my own two feet against the people that want to fight about whose side is right and whose is wrong. I lose important words. I stumble. I sound uneducated because of my word retrieval issues.

I want to find the middle ground. I want compromise and fairness. I want equality for everyone, not just the groups that are most important to me. I don't DO politics. I don't understand the hatred that seems to drive people. So Osama's death? I knew this was going to be a big deal.

I can't say how long I watched the twitter feed, but I know it was only a few seconds in when the first Osama jokes began being tweeted. I realized that what I was watching and becoming confused by, was really no different than what confuses me on a daily basis. Large groups of people blindly
following others, and not caring where they go because, they didn't start it after all.. Dictated by the moment, the feeling, an event.. its wild.. primal.. and unsafe and unpredictable to me.

Let me be another person to say it.. people with Autism DO have empathy. They are capable of it. Sometimes, too much of it. What I don't understand is how to go about acting on my empathy. And I can't shut it off. So while the world was busy celebrating his death.. I was saddened at the loss of a life. No matter how many acts of violence he did, he was still human. I don't believe that any death deserves a celebration.

My grandmother taught me that two wrongs don't make a right, and that my reality is mine. I cannot be judge and jury over someone else. Only they can do that.

I really want to be proud of our country, but the fact is... when this happens.. I'm ashamed. Beach balls, singing, chanting, partying, and gosh the pictures...Yes, I know it wasn't a real picture, the one with his head dripping and bloody on top of the statue of liberty. Still, it was disturbing. And if
any country did that to us we'd be outraged! Barbaric! Yet we believe its okay to act that way as long as we're the ones doing it.

Every time I hear something said towards Osama part of me dies inside and I want to crawl under a rock. I want to wear a tee-shirt that says, "I did not
seek out revenge. " Because that's what this was. This wasn't "justice" served. This was revenge, plain and simple. Self defense and justice doesn't happen a decade later and without any words spoken, simply death. Where was the fire fight that supposedly happened?

Others have argued that he was a cruel man that did our country harm. That's true. Yes, our military men have died. Yes 9/11 was a tragedy. It truly was. But aren't we bigger than that? Have we not changed at all in the last hundred years? Where is our honor really? I believed our moral code to be higher. We talk about keeping the peace, and treating POW's with the dignity that all humans deserve.. meanwhile things like Guantanamo torture are revealed, and we dance in the streets at someone killed at our hands.

Do you know how many innocent peoples blood are on our hands as well? Do you know how many villages we air raided? How many "Oops, that shouldn't have happened. My bad" went on? By waving our red and white flag and saying the US stands for freedom does not mean we're in a place to be judge and jury all the time. It means we're a big bully. Where was due process here? What happened to a trial by a jury of your peers? Does it all get thrown out the window when you become a terrorist? An extremist? If not, what happened to those plans to capture him and bring him back alive? Did the president act in the manner that he should? (I believe if we had not killed Osama, someone would have targeted and killed the president. It was a classic catch 22. )

I don't know the answers to those questions, but by looking around the internet; a lot of people feel they have the answers. We were right, no questions asked. Really, how is our mob mentality any better than Al Qaeda's is?

He might have been evil to us, but Osama was a leader to other people. He was a hero to them, leading them in the war against the US. Fighting back against what they believe to be a huge giant of a country, claiming stake in everything. (We forced phone companies to split up, we forced Microsoft to stop their monopoly..) I can't seem to understand, how others can sit here and cheer about death like they have been. Grown adults acting like this was a Halo game they've won. This is real. These are lives not yard trash in World of Warcraft or EQ. Others are
mourning for his death, and I feel for them. A loss is a loss. He was human, and for that.. I feel sorrow at his death.

I do feel happy that those affected by 9/11 can feel closure, I really do... but I don't see the celebrations as being respectful of life or death, and as Americans I thought better
of us than that. I cannot stoop that low. I just can't. I can't be happy over the death of anyone. Please don't misunderstand. I don't want to trivialize 9/11. Though I didn't lose a loved one in it, we were affected. And I watched 24/7 coverage. I watched the second plane crash into the tower.. I cried for weeks and still duck and panic at the sound of a plane overhead. I understand that those IN the towers and those that lost their lives are going to impacted far greater than I ever could be. But I do feel their pain, and why this would be important to them.

However, revenge 10 years later seems counter productive. We proved that we're aggressive. We proved that we are no better than they are. No more civilized. An eye for an eye.

The war on terror is not over. Its only just begun. We've made a huge dent with the death of Osama, but don't you think they'll retaliate back? Clearly they have the means or 9/11 wouldn't have ever happened. So now we sit here and wait and see where Al Qaeda strikes next. And they will. Its naive of anyone to suggest that this is the end, our troops are coming home and peace has been found at last.

America likes to put keywords to things like "freedom" "justice" and "peace" and we like to stick our nose in to help other countries fight their own battles. (meanwhile we sink in our own debt, our people are jobless, streets and shelters are overflowing and we need help here.)

If the motivation of the USA was to help those people in need, then that would be a great thing. It really would! Unfortunately that's not the real reason. Our motivation is to do exactly what some ex friends of mine just recently did to my family.. offer help in times of need, offer offer offer...
reassure that it was okay, that they really wanted to help.. and then turned around and used that as proof that we're "needy" and desperate and "users." America helps out so that we can feel powerful. So that other countries can look up and say "Yep.. that's America.. they're big. They're strong. They helped us so I guess we have to back them now"... we do it to build allies and remind people just how powerful we are. Thats not friendly or peaceful. Its a strategic move that we've been making for quite awhile now.

In the coming weeks, more information about the raid and killing will surface. Conspiracy theories will come out, and eventually at least some of the American people will expect answers not only from Pakistan, but from our own government. Revenge doesn't gloss over the responsibility that needs to be taken. The legalities of what happened, and if it was morally right. We're knee deep in it now folks, and if you couldn't think it could get deeper..think again. It will. Osama's followers will get their own revenge. And why not? We just showed them that violence is the way to solve problems. They will target more places, more buildings, more modes of transportation. (edit: from their own mouths, they are now going to target our railway system) We're doing nothing but lobbing a ball back and forth at each other.

Today the American people want to see photographic proof that it was Osama. They say they are not concerned at all about further threats. They're buying flags to fly higher. There is a renewed faith in the American people, and a renewed sense of safety and peace.
Image by thisisbossi via Flickr
I want to know what box of cereal they're pulling that faith from.
I think my cereal is stale.

What murdered these four girls? Look around. You will see that many
people that you never thought about participated in this evil act. So
tonight all of us must leave here with a new determination to struggle. God
has a job for us to do. Maybe our mission is to save the soul of America.
We can't save the soul of this nation throwing bricks. We can't save the
soul of this nation getting our ammunitions and going out shooting physical
weapons. We must know that we have something much more powerful. Just take
up the ammunition of love.”

- Dr. Martin Luther King, 1963 -

Baby burrito

Odin and his new letters

Odin has had complete letter recognition for about 6 months now. He still misses a few numbers though and transposes some of both. He had always had a love of letters and numbers, and still carries foam bathtub letters around with him. Many have become lost or damaged, so today we bought new foam letters! He had a difficult time at dance class and grocery shopping, so I let him buy them. He tried really hard today and though he was crying and holding his ears, he managed to go potty with my help.

I'm proud of my little man today:) His world assaults him constantly, yet he still smiles.

I entered a raffle *gasp*

Normally I do not enter raffles. I'm allergic to them. No seriously! They cause me such anxiety about spending the money, and then possibly winning but most likely not. The pros the cons. It swirls around until I'm so confused that I run away.

So I found it nice to click on the link and donate $10.00 for a good cause, and get put in a raffle that I probably won't win.. but would be cool if I did!

An Ipad would help my children with autism so much!

All proceeds raised go to The Autism Science Foundation

Paying attention to the little things

Sometimes pictures are capable of manipulating the memory into what we wish the whole moment felt like.

In reality, this was only a mere 3 seconds in time. Before and after the picture they were screaming, struggling and beating each other up. It was close to a bloody mess on my couch. Suddenly they both stopped and relaxed. Odin spaced off and Persephone was listening to a commercial on tv that had music in it. (music always calms her)

For that brief moment, they looked so serene and loving. I'm glad I was able to capture it, even if it only lasted a minute.

After all, aren't some of life's greatest things limited in time? Rainbows, orgasms, that first bite of a delicious meal, the smell of a newborn baby, true new car smell, your first crush, and a spotless house with five kids..

Today I'm going to try very hard to notice the little things. Cute photo op's with the kids, when my husband makes that attempt to show me love, when Piper tries to tell me about her day at school and when Odin snuggles in my neck and whispers over and over,
"Mama?"
"What buddy?"
"I love you."
"I love you too buddy."
"I love you so much Mama."
"I love you so much too buddy."
"You're my best buddy"
"you're my best buddy too"
"Mama?"
"What buddy?"
"I love you Mama."
"I love you too buddy"
No matter how long it goes on, I will remember to cherish those words. Some parents might never hear their autistic child say them, and mine can. And does! So today I will try hard to remember that my children with autism are not trying to annoy me with their continuous statements and rigid sentences. The underlying thought is, I love my mom and i want her to know. How can I not be touched by that?

These pictures are more than cute moments. They are my motivation to be a better mother and a better person.

The Disconnection

Is it too much to ask that he shows me kindness when he speaks to me? I feel like I'm always struggling to keep up and be with him. I'm always a pace behind. A little too fast, or a little too slow, but never are we matched in our steps anymore.

We're under the same roof, that's true. Years ago I never would have heard him say, "that's better than nothing" or "Ya what more do you want?" and yet that's what just came out of his mouth.

I'm counting the minutes down. He'll either apologize before bed, or he'll do it tomorrow sometime. If he remembers. Most likely he won't unless I bring it up. No matter how many times I tell myself that I won't bring it up, because I know he doesn't care.. I bring it up. I tell myself over and over, that I can be strong and sit here in silence. I can't. I can't stand the passive aggressiveness.

I can't just let things go either. I can't just move on without processing things. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it normal to be this confusing? And is it wrong that I don't feel confused by it myself? It seems to be met with resistance by everyone. They want me to either outright forgive them, for me to be sorry so they can forgive me, or they want me to just move on and forget about the whole thing. Everyone else does this. In fact, I haven't met one single person that doesn't. I seem to be the odd one that needs to connect and for things to be worked through. Don't let the sun go down upon your wrath. Don't ever go to bed mad. Don't leave words unspoken. Never let a sunset go down whilst angry, or leave it for the morning as one never knows if the sun rise will come again. Cherish every moment. Yadda yadda.. you get my point. Those are burned into my brain. I am anxiety ridden when presented with no end to what feels like madness to me. I am frantic in my efforts to fix and rectify the situation. I am desperate. I can feel it. Grasping at something. Anything. I can feel myself turning in my head like some bad B movie, panning in closer and the room spins.

He walked by and kissed me on the head just a second ago. Nothing was said. Just like I knew would happen. Its expected that the argument is now over. And I must now "move on." Regardless if I'm ready or willing to. I'm not ready to. I'm confused at why it feels like I'm chasing him looking for attention. I want his moods to stop dictating how I feel. I want to smile and ignore it. I want to have fun despite him and whatever he's feeling. But I want that connection back.

We played a new video game the other day, and for the first time in awhile, we had it! We smiled. We laughed. We shared. We talked about something other than the kids and money. We had fun! The next night was the same, but it was a little less.. like the newness was wearing off. The night after I asked if he wanted to play and he ignored me. I asked several times. Then I let him know that I was willing if he wanted to. He played his game by himself instead, and later claimed he never heard me. The night after was the same. Eventually I stopped asking because it felt like a rejection. (its why he ignores me instead of saying "no thanks." because he feels as long as he doesn't actually say anything, then he hasn't rejected me)

Its like we've lost some connection we had before. Was it because of his injury and the surgery and healing time? Was it because of his subsequent painkiller addiction? Is it because I feel some anger and resentment for that time period? It was one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through. The addict was not a happy person, and it was a scary time. Is it because of his ADHD and/or medication or lack of? He is constantly changing it, or missing a PA, or forgetting to take it until its too late. I feel like I have to micro manage him most of the time, and I don't want to.

Is it me? Am I being too needy? Am I wrong in thinking that we ought to talk once in awhile? We literally sit in silence most nights. A laugh or two about what the baby is doing but essentially that's it. When I'm feeling down, I try to reach out to the one person I have as a friend. Lately he hasn't been responding back in a way that is helpful. Usually he isn't responding back at all.

Tonight he told me, "Most people have friends to listen to them. You need to get friends." Seriously? When we got together, we didn't have friends. We both understood each other and knew that that whole friendship thing was something we both struggle with. And we found comfort in each other. I know a lot of that was the "falling in love" part and eventually it would dull, but it seems that I've lost my best friend in that process. I wasn't ready for that. Its been nearly 9 years. How does a relationship suddenly fall apart? I fought so hard to keep it together through so many bad parts.

Ya, I know other people have friends. I've never had friends. I don't have other friends now, at least not normal friendships. I have one friend from high school that still talks to me, but our lives have always been slightly different. She finds it hard to relate to me, and I find it hard to be misunderstood. We are friends on the phone only. Even though I've tried to make our friendship more. I've tried to get together for lunch, or suggest we BE more.. she is content the way it is. I think she once suggested that we just weren't that type of friend and that it was okay! I tried hard not to let it show that I was disappointed.

My sister in laws are sister in laws. One of them I don't even talk to.

My mother in law is the closest I have to a best friend, if I don't have my husband anymore. At least she understands me and gets me. (quite possibly because we were friends before becoming in laws. She is my age, my father in law.. much older.) So I hang onto every chance we get to talk, but she lives in Tennessee and we don't. So our friendship is limited. And even if she were here, I think it would be limited because she's now my mother in law. There are rules and lines I can't see drawn there.

I have several people that count as friends, but are still somehow not.. We feel closer than acquaintances, but yet don't act like true friends. I'm chasing a childhood dream of friendship and I don't even know what I'm doing.

As you can see, that's the friend line up. Thats it. There are no others on the outside, or close contenders. There are just, people I call my friends but don't really feel like it.. and my husband. And after tonight's comment, I think its safe to assume that he wishes I wouldn't share so much. "I know you're telling me how you feel. You're *always* telling me how you feel." was the line that hit home.

It doesn't seem fair. I want my husband I fell in love with back. I want my best friend. I want to be happy. For now happiness eludes me just as much as friendship. I'm not one for the silent treatment, or long periods of discontentment. Its why this whole thing bothers me so much. I can't resolve it on my own, and according to him there are no problems. I wish there was consistency. Can't I wish that things were more stable? One minute I'm on a pedestal (that I don't believe I deserve) and the next minute I'm a nagging bitch that does nothing but yell at him. (his words) Yet if I address the issue to try to figure out where I went wrong, he back paddles and says he didn't mean what he said and nothing is wrong.

I am confused most of the time.