Persephone just woke up and she's listening to the jitterbug lol it's that kind of day ;)

My Late Unhappy Fathers Day Post (that has nothing to do with Fathers day)

You know, I have no issues with my children wanting to express themselves. Sierra went through that phase of her childhood and it was fine. However, Ivy has no style whatsoever and she doesn't know HOW to have a style. She doesn't understand anything to do with social appropriateness and has to be in classes at school just to learn that its not okay to LICK people, but there is no one but me to teach her how to have a style. How to comb her hair, shower, pick clothes that match and look good, have a hair style, etc..  and every single attempt has failed. Repeatedly. She continues to part her short hair directly down the middle, slicked down, and very much DOES look like a boy. Her anxiety sky rockets all the time, "I look like a boy!" "People call me a boy!" "Why do I look like a boy??" and its daily. Yet any attempts to get her to do her hair differently... even as simple as a clip on the side, pulling her bangs sideways, or scrunching the back to give it volume.... are at first met with a little resistance... but then she likes it. She loves it! She takes pictures. She looks at herself in the mirror. She shows everyone. She says how pretty she is. Ten minutes later she suddenly flips the other way and starts screaming that she can't take it, "I want it flat! I want it flat! OMG make it flat! I want it normal! I want it down!" and she puts her head in the sink, wets my house, her head, her clothes.. and frantically does this while screaming and shrieking, and hitting me. Any attempts to console her are futile. She won't say anything else except to just ignore everything I say to her. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't just let her go and expect her to learn eventually. She already gets teased all the time, and bullied daily at school. I want to help her! This isn't about forcing her to wear dresses, or making her change dramatically. This is like, "Here, try a headband." or "How about you tuck your hair behind your ears?" and then we spend a LOT of time looking at styles, and looking at pictures. And she finds so many she thinks are pretty... but she can't do them. She can't keep it. She always goes back to the ball of nothingness. And I am having a hard time separating my feelings. Image via Wikipedia

I have never had an issue with personal style and kids making their own choices. I really don't give a crap. Its hair. But in this case, she is doing it because of her anxiety.. and its not healthy for her to continue to do something that is negatively affecting her SO MUCH... the amount of people and kids that hurt her every day are numerous. And its because of her hair. And I'm helpless because she won't listen to me or keep it the way we put it. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm fucking pissed off right now to be honest. I wasted nearly 2 hours of my day trying to get her hair in a "new way" so that her anxiety about looking like a boy would lessen, and it worked... only for a few minutes to pass and for her to get angry and mad at me for the "new style" that she just seconds ago gushed about. What gives? Is this anxiety driven? How do we get past it? She did this with long hair too. And unfortunatly because of her personal space issues, she always gets head lice from people... and she didn't want to put it up at all. I had to give reinforcements of food if she came home from school with her hair still up. And for awhile that worked. But it seems like this anxiety to have her hair down and flat slicked to her face like... ugh.. its just... it IS weird looking. How do I keep my little girl who people already think is weird, from making herself look weirder? In a quote un quote "normal" child, I would let them do what they wanted and then let the natural course of learning show her different ways.  But Ivy has autism, a cognitive disorder, ADHD, and an anxiety disorder. She can't do it on her own.. What am I supposed to do? Send her out in the world with mismatched clothes, hair that looks disgusting, and just.... let her? *sigh* Parents ARE going to judge me for it. They already have judged me for letting my oldest have her own style and that was minor compared to this.

I don't have kids that dress in expensive perfect matching clothes. I seem to have 4 girls that so far all want to look like boys, or at least don't want to express themselves in any way whatsoever. I guess I have myself to blame for that. I don't have a style myself. I barely shower, I never have a chance to buy or wear proper clothes. And really, for who? For what? So it can get chewed on? Spit on? Nose wiped on? The reality is, I have nothing. I am nothing.

Happy Fathers day. I'm feeling really low after this mornings blow up over hair. I don't know why. Maybe because I can't do ANYTHING to bond with ANY of my kids. And I can't help them or tell them ANYTHING, and have them listen. Yet if someone else tells them, chances are they'll listen then. So really, what good am I besides the maid? I clean things, they mess them up. I cook, they throw around.. possibly eat. I wash. They fuck up. ..... at the end of the day there are always complaints and no thank you's. Not even from my teenager. What little I see of her anymore.

Not having a vehicle is throwing me off in a big way. Its been nearly 2 months with nothing but the occasional use of my cousins car, which I would be grateful for,... if he were not LIVING ON MY LIVING ROOM FLOOR! .... we all know how I get when we have company that overstays their welcome. (which in btw, anything more than a few hours.) I just need my own space. I need to feel safe in my house. I need this to be a place for ME. And its not. It hasn't been for a long time.

Chris finally has his surgery and can walk and help me... and he's not. He's outside with Matthew working on the jeep. Every day. All day. And I'm in here. I'm like an octopus. Arms and legs everywhere, running here and there.. trying to catch things before people get hurt. Trying to always be here saving people, feeding, breaking up fights. And every day loops into the next. I don't have the time or the energy, or the capability, or the gas, or the vehicles or the ability to take my kids out of the house and do something new with them. Or to even do something that isn't new. We haven't been on a walk, or gone swimming at Rotary Park in years. Its been years. And THAT... is pathetic.

I feel like I'm rotting on the inside slowly every day.  I wake up and the cycle starts all over again. And its not like planting a flower and watching it grow and nourishing and taking care of it.... and then seeing what it turns into. This.. this is painful. This is more than painful. This is watching life happen around me, and watching me... away from myself.. trying to keep up. Having no time to even reflect on anything that makes me feel happy. Its why there are rarely any happy status messages (something I've been chastised for recently. Go figure.) and why my blog posts are usually angst ridden or angry, or overly emotional. Because its in THESE moments, that I sit here at the computer and fire off posts and messages. Somehow when its something i want to say thats happy, the need to write isn't as strong. ..... coping. Its a coping skill I guess. ... my feeling starts to fade by the time the message is written... and I can feel my anger lessening. So I guess I'm using it as a coping mechanism to get through the emotional feelings I'm having at the time. Silently slamming computer keys is my version of hitting people or screaming. And in a case like the trigger today... I have no reason to be angry, yet I am. I am.. hurt. I put so much effort into everything I do..   and I was so happy that she was happy about her hair. I even took pictures. And then she snapped and flipped backwards. And it caught me off guard. Instead of looking at it rationally today and knowing (duh) that she has anxiety issues. (I knew she would take it out. I did know.) I got carried away in the happy feelings I was having, and thus.. it feels personal when she flipped the other way and started yelling about her hair. ..... So how can the happy moments mean something to me.. how can I hold onto the happy ones, when they get negated? Because THAT is the issue.

I bribe people, or give in to people desires because I need them happy so that I can be happy. And lately there are so many issues, and needs, that at every moment....someone is unhappy. On the rare occasion that all my younger kids are happy at the same time, and Chris and I are happy at the same time.... in walks Sierra from outside in the crappiest mood I've seen ever. Any attempts to talk to her are met with the traditional teenager attitude of "What?" and "so?" and "ya." etc. complete with eyerolling, shoulder shrugging, whatevers, and the pissiness that goes along with it. And again I find myself trying to cheer up the person that is upset. "I have a candy bar, want to share it with me?" "Sure" but the mood remains. I try something else. And more. And every time that her mood stays the same, its like a knife through my heart.

With Chris, he wants games. And his face lights up when he talks about a new game he wants. And then he begs and pleads like a little boy. "Pleeeease?" and I want him to stay happy. I want to see that smile on his face and that twinkle in his eyes. So I give in. Even though he already bought a game. And we can't afford it. And I think its horribly unfair that he gets TWO $60 games and I have bought nothing for myself that month.. Buy? I've had one shower this month. I don't even get to take care of the basic needs like peeing, showering, eating, etc..  they get put off and put off. Why? Do they really stop me? I feel like attitudes and moods stop me. Facial expressions stop me. I want to keep people happy...  ...  I'm not sure what this is, or how to fix it. And for once in my life I haven't googled it yet. This is the root to most of my issue I think, personally and as a mother.

How can I be happy despite everyone else's moods? Is this an autism thing? Is this a woman thing? A mom thing? A fucked up in the head thing? Help me.

Persephone is stylish and sassy in purple shades!

Ivy reading bedtime stories to Piper and Persephone :)

Odin's "pretty pretty toes" he did himself this morning after he snuck out of bed. :(

Blogger has angered me.

I spent the better half of this week writing a post about my recent trip to the doctors and my week (so far) on Ritalin. I'm quite angry that it told me it was saving my blog via the "auto save" and now its not here. A few days our electricity was on and off because of thunderstorms, and every time my computer started back up, the blog post would still be intact. The day I try to post it however, its missing.

I just wanted to share my anger, because I worked really hard to give a picture of my first week on a stimulant (for the first time in my life). Hopefully I can find it in myself to re-write it. For now, I'll continue to grumble.

When Empathy and Advocacy Collide, Will You Speak Up?

Image via WikipediaI recently read the post, "Empathy and Advocacy: Closing the Gap" by blogger Lynne Soraya who writes the blog "Asperger's Diary" on the Psychology Today website. She contacted me on my twitter @AutisticMama and said that she was interested in my opinion as a parent.

Being autistic myself, and also being a mother to children on the Autism Spectrum I can say that I've been in both situations quite a few times and I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer. Like many other situations in life, the choice to stand up and speak out is individual.

It's really hard for me to be in public and see how common it is for people to react negatively to others, no matter what the issue is. I think perhaps because I'm actively not looking at them, I am picking up on everything else. I can feel and hear far more than most neurotypical people around me can. I don't see it though, I feel it. This type of emotional response is more common than I once thought, common among those of us with an Autism Spectrum Disorder anyway. Once thought to lack empathy, professionals are starting to realize that our emotional responses are often too much, not too little. And often times the emotions are being received at such a fast rate, that we become overwhelmed. Bombarded and assaulted by our senses. As always, research is ongoing as to why this occurs.

I usually know instantly when I'm around someone that is cognitively or neurologically different somehow. There is an unspoken language I think. I see those subtle signs of stress, or agitation. I can see that they aren't gazing at a flower, or walking by daydreaming. Instead I can see that they're counting the petals on the flower, and humming the theme song to a TV show over and over while running their index finger round and round on their thumb nail.

I see these things because I live with them daily in myself. (this is of course a doubled edged sword. It means I am capable of seeing when my autistic children are coming close to meltdown point, but sometimes my mommy-mode mind isn't listening. This is incredibly frustrating for me and I will tell you honestly that I do feel guilty every day for trying too hard to be a neurotypical mom when I'm not. It's a difficult line to ride.)

I can't tell you the number of times I've seen children flapping, spinning, or scripting to themselves and watched interactions with their parents and been shocked to learn later (in cases that they become acquaintances )that the parents don't see their children in distress at all. In fact, they complain of all the typical autism symptoms, but don't realize their child is autistic at all. Meltdowns are called temper tantrums, stimming is called "being a freak" or the child " being a weirdo." and other behaviors are receive responses like, "He is all boy!" and "she's just a sensitive girl that's shy and keeps to herself."

Now I'm all for not labeling everyone just for the heck of it, but I still cannot fathom in this day and age how people can't know their child is autistic. Then I remember...before autism was a part of our lives; I didn't know either. I just didn't know.

It's like not knowing anything about Parry-Romberg syndrome or Ribose-5-phosphate isomerase deficiency. Why don't I know anything about those disorders? Simple. Its because they haven't impacted my life yet. Is that a great way to live, running around completely ignorant that these disorders are affecting children? No. Its also not feasible that I learn about every disorder and disease out there. (at least not without obtaining a degree while doing so) Familiarizing myself with the "most common" diseases and syndromes is do-able. And Autism should be on that list for people I think. I think its do-able for every person out there. (Of course I also believe everyone should know how to perform CPR.)



It takes time though. Awareness doesn't happen overnight. To be honest, the arguing among professionals about the different types of autism and where and how they're going to change things is off-putting to people. No one wants to hear more about a subject that is so filled with emotion and anger. Its like shying away from discussing politics. Autism has become like that. A subject that seems to have only two sides, those that know nothing and those that think they know everything.

Finding common ground and coming together to help people become more aware needs to happen first within the autism community, before we can reach others. Its just surrounded by controversy and drama. How can I even begin to talk to people about it when many have their own opinions about it already.

"Just another crackpot diagnosis."
"Just another excuse for poor behavior and bad parents."
"Another ADHD"
"Yep sure, everyone has that nowadays."

Add in the vaccine debates and its just not friendly waters.

That being said, whether I speak up or not in a situation like the one above would depend on a number of factors. What exactly did they say? Was it loud enough for a lot of other people and/or the mother and child to hear? Was it very rude or very ignorant? How am I feeling that day? Have I met my social limit already? Am I already stimming like crazy myself and looking for the exit? Do I have my hands full with my own screaming kids? What do the people look like? Despite what they might have said, do they otherwise seem like they might accept me saying something to them, or do they look like they might scream at me for butting my nose in? Do I even have enough reserve left for me to really look at them and not just look around them? If I don't have enough reserve left to even look at them to assess the situation, then I won't attempt to say anything at all.

I try really hard to look at mothers in those situations and give them my "I know how hard it is, I understand" look. (which may come across as the creepy I'm watching you look.. I might need to practice more) If I have enough reserve to do all those things above, and find them to seem to be people that would be somewhat kind if I spoke up.. then I might say something like, "She seemed to me like she might be ____(insert something here) developmentally delayed, autistic, etc. Sometimes depending on initial reaction, I might then say that my daughter is autistic as well and that many children with autism flap their hands (for example)

Stopping to gauge their reaction is important because then I try very hard to know if they want or need more information, or if they think I'm a weirdo and they're secretly wishing I'd fall off a cliff. Sometimes I botch this part up. When I get nervous and think I'm doing something socially inappropriate (butting my nose in) I often do it more, or continually, because I get stuck in a loop and panic. Not very helpful.

I tend to use my own experiences rather than the child/parent in question. That way I feel like I'm not broadcasting their business everywhere. And of course, I also preface anything I say with words that make it very clear that I don't know 100% that the child is autistic. She could have a brain tumor, or some other neurological disorder. I don't know.

However I do know that being rude isn't helpful to the mother or the child, and if I can make them think about the situation in a different light, then awareness has been achieved. Because in the end its not just about autism awareness. Its about acceptance, compassion and empathy for fellow humans. No matter what the diagnosis of the child might be, its secondary to the lesson in being kind and non judgmental towards other human beings.

Related articles

• Empathy and Advocacy: Closing the Gap (psychologytoday.com)

My Mini Lady Gaga & the screen protector

Our screen protector came today! I'm so happy! We took it out of the box and it was generously packaged in
bubble wrap. As you can see Odin took to the bubbles and completely covered himself in them! 10 minutes later he is still wrapping and rolling, stuffing and laying on it. Seems so odd to me because it's so loud! Yet that sound he is ok with! (and it's driving me crazy listening to it!)

We're waiting for daddy to come back from picking up Peach at preschool and then we'll put this new screen protector on our tv. We bought the tv about a month ago and we've been saving it ever since. Stressful! And we aren't in the position to just buy a new one if the kids break it. We would have nothing for a long time. I can't justify buying a flat screen for no reason. I was shocked to find out that these tv's break easily! What?! Ack! *dove across the house to save or from a Tonka truck again. I started researching a solution and found that a zillion people sell screen protectors. Finally, at 3 am I decided on one from tvscreenprotector.com and after a large amount of money, my husband bought it.

Review coming shortly! We have 5 kids, four of them are 7 and under.. Two of them are autistic, and ADHD, and 3 have anxiety disorders. One has a cognitive disorder, another has speech and articulation disorders. They all love to dance and move around and use my house like a playground. So this screen protector has GOT to be good. I'll let you know how easy it was to install and any issues we find, in my review. Boy I can't wait to put it on!

The Spiral

It reminds us where we came from, and reminds us that the journey is just as important as the final destination. In a world that revolves around instant gratification and fast answers, the spiral reminds us to take our time and slow down. Thank you Ivy for reminding me today. :)

Ivy's Artwork

This is such a beautiful picture made with a mixture of paint, crayon, pastels, chalk and pencil. Ivy brought it home today. I can't wait to frame this one and hang it in our living room! I remember being her age (7) and being so proud of myself and my artistic ability. I want her to feel proud of herself too. :) I have a few more pictures that need scanning, I'll upload them a little later. Color for my walls! Happy Beltane!

Why I'm Not Celebrating

The other night I received a text from my mother in law telling me to turn on the news. Since we live in different states, this could only mean it was something national. First I refreshed my Twitter feed since I was holding my Iphone but I saw nothing. I turned on the news, and there on the ticker I saw it.

Image via Wikipedia

"Osama Bin Laden confirmed dead. US has body. President Obama to speak shortly and address the nation."

I heard the TV announcer saying that this was a monumental day and would go down in history as a great accomplishment for the United States. I felt for sure that I should have felt a positive emotion at reading that, since others did. I re-read it again. Still, I felt nothing but a sense of unease, and sadness. I remembered a post once directed at me on an online forum, a conversation about war and politics that got heated.. "You're anti American! You have no pride for your country!" For the first time I contemplated the words I saw years before. Maybe they were right? Maybe I'm ashamed of my country. Maybe I don't understand "pride."
Image via CrunchBase
I did my Twitter duty and I re-posted the news because there was nothing on my feed about it. I wanted to help update and let the world know the news, because like it or not..its news. Then suddenly the Twitter feed started updating with the happy exclaimations by people. Not just reports, but jubilation. Cheers and shouts. And it was constant. They didn't update once or twice, but continuously. And then we waited for the "formal" confirmation by the president. I watched his announcement. I struggled to find different emotions. The "right" emotions.
Image by thisisbossi via Flickr
I debated what to put as my status on Facebook that night. Anything that I felt, seemed out of place. Again, I was the odd one out. Was updating my status important enough to rock the boat? Am Image via WikipediaI strong enough to deal with the aftermath? Am I making something out of nothing again? This is such a big issue for so many people. its intertwined in our politics. It IS our politics. Its not something we talk about over dinner. I stay far away from politics. Don't get me wrong! I do my research and I vote. (I even bring my kids with me!) I just don't seem to be able to stand on my own two feet against the people that want to fight about whose side is right and whose is wrong. I lose important words. I stumble. I sound uneducated because of my word retrieval issues.

I want to find the middle ground. I want compromise and fairness. I want equality for everyone, not just the groups that are most important to me. I don't DO politics. I don't understand the hatred that seems to drive people. So Osama's death? I knew this was going to be a big deal.

I can't say how long I watched the twitter feed, but I know it was only a few seconds in when the first Osama jokes began being tweeted. I realized that what I was watching and becoming confused by, was really no different than what confuses me on a daily basis. Large groups of people blindly
following others, and not caring where they go because, they didn't start it after all.. Dictated by the moment, the feeling, an event.. its wild.. primal.. and unsafe and unpredictable to me.

Let me be another person to say it.. people with Autism DO have empathy. They are capable of it. Sometimes, too much of it. What I don't understand is how to go about acting on my empathy. And I can't shut it off. So while the world was busy celebrating his death.. I was saddened at the loss of a life. No matter how many acts of violence he did, he was still human. I don't believe that any death deserves a celebration.

My grandmother taught me that two wrongs don't make a right, and that my reality is mine. I cannot be judge and jury over someone else. Only they can do that.

I really want to be proud of our country, but the fact is... when this happens.. I'm ashamed. Beach balls, singing, chanting, partying, and gosh the pictures...Yes, I know it wasn't a real picture, the one with his head dripping and bloody on top of the statue of liberty. Still, it was disturbing. And if
any country did that to us we'd be outraged! Barbaric! Yet we believe its okay to act that way as long as we're the ones doing it.

Every time I hear something said towards Osama part of me dies inside and I want to crawl under a rock. I want to wear a tee-shirt that says, "I did not
seek out revenge. " Because that's what this was. This wasn't "justice" served. This was revenge, plain and simple. Self defense and justice doesn't happen a decade later and without any words spoken, simply death. Where was the fire fight that supposedly happened?

Others have argued that he was a cruel man that did our country harm. That's true. Yes, our military men have died. Yes 9/11 was a tragedy. It truly was. But aren't we bigger than that? Have we not changed at all in the last hundred years? Where is our honor really? I believed our moral code to be higher. We talk about keeping the peace, and treating POW's with the dignity that all humans deserve.. meanwhile things like Guantanamo torture are revealed, and we dance in the streets at someone killed at our hands.

Do you know how many innocent peoples blood are on our hands as well? Do you know how many villages we air raided? How many "Oops, that shouldn't have happened. My bad" went on? By waving our red and white flag and saying the US stands for freedom does not mean we're in a place to be judge and jury all the time. It means we're a big bully. Where was due process here? What happened to a trial by a jury of your peers? Does it all get thrown out the window when you become a terrorist? An extremist? If not, what happened to those plans to capture him and bring him back alive? Did the president act in the manner that he should? (I believe if we had not killed Osama, someone would have targeted and killed the president. It was a classic catch 22. )

I don't know the answers to those questions, but by looking around the internet; a lot of people feel they have the answers. We were right, no questions asked. Really, how is our mob mentality any better than Al Qaeda's is?

He might have been evil to us, but Osama was a leader to other people. He was a hero to them, leading them in the war against the US. Fighting back against what they believe to be a huge giant of a country, claiming stake in everything. (We forced phone companies to split up, we forced Microsoft to stop their monopoly..) I can't seem to understand, how others can sit here and cheer about death like they have been. Grown adults acting like this was a Halo game they've won. This is real. These are lives not yard trash in World of Warcraft or EQ. Others are
mourning for his death, and I feel for them. A loss is a loss. He was human, and for that.. I feel sorrow at his death.

I do feel happy that those affected by 9/11 can feel closure, I really do... but I don't see the celebrations as being respectful of life or death, and as Americans I thought better
of us than that. I cannot stoop that low. I just can't. I can't be happy over the death of anyone. Please don't misunderstand. I don't want to trivialize 9/11. Though I didn't lose a loved one in it, we were affected. And I watched 24/7 coverage. I watched the second plane crash into the tower.. I cried for weeks and still duck and panic at the sound of a plane overhead. I understand that those IN the towers and those that lost their lives are going to impacted far greater than I ever could be. But I do feel their pain, and why this would be important to them.

However, revenge 10 years later seems counter productive. We proved that we're aggressive. We proved that we are no better than they are. No more civilized. An eye for an eye.

The war on terror is not over. Its only just begun. We've made a huge dent with the death of Osama, but don't you think they'll retaliate back? Clearly they have the means or 9/11 wouldn't have ever happened. So now we sit here and wait and see where Al Qaeda strikes next. And they will. Its naive of anyone to suggest that this is the end, our troops are coming home and peace has been found at last.

America likes to put keywords to things like "freedom" "justice" and "peace" and we like to stick our nose in to help other countries fight their own battles. (meanwhile we sink in our own debt, our people are jobless, streets and shelters are overflowing and we need help here.)

If the motivation of the USA was to help those people in need, then that would be a great thing. It really would! Unfortunately that's not the real reason. Our motivation is to do exactly what some ex friends of mine just recently did to my family.. offer help in times of need, offer offer offer...
reassure that it was okay, that they really wanted to help.. and then turned around and used that as proof that we're "needy" and desperate and "users." America helps out so that we can feel powerful. So that other countries can look up and say "Yep.. that's America.. they're big. They're strong. They helped us so I guess we have to back them now"... we do it to build allies and remind people just how powerful we are. Thats not friendly or peaceful. Its a strategic move that we've been making for quite awhile now.

In the coming weeks, more information about the raid and killing will surface. Conspiracy theories will come out, and eventually at least some of the American people will expect answers not only from Pakistan, but from our own government. Revenge doesn't gloss over the responsibility that needs to be taken. The legalities of what happened, and if it was morally right. We're knee deep in it now folks, and if you couldn't think it could get deeper..think again. It will. Osama's followers will get their own revenge. And why not? We just showed them that violence is the way to solve problems. They will target more places, more buildings, more modes of transportation. (edit: from their own mouths, they are now going to target our railway system) We're doing nothing but lobbing a ball back and forth at each other.

Today the American people want to see photographic proof that it was Osama. They say they are not concerned at all about further threats. They're buying flags to fly higher. There is a renewed faith in the American people, and a renewed sense of safety and peace.
Image by thisisbossi via Flickr
I want to know what box of cereal they're pulling that faith from.
I think my cereal is stale.

What murdered these four girls? Look around. You will see that many
people that you never thought about participated in this evil act. So
tonight all of us must leave here with a new determination to struggle. God
has a job for us to do. Maybe our mission is to save the soul of America.
We can't save the soul of this nation throwing bricks. We can't save the
soul of this nation getting our ammunitions and going out shooting physical
weapons. We must know that we have something much more powerful. Just take
up the ammunition of love.”

- Dr. Martin Luther King, 1963 -

Baby burrito

Odin and his new letters

Odin has had complete letter recognition for about 6 months now. He still misses a few numbers though and transposes some of both. He had always had a love of letters and numbers, and still carries foam bathtub letters around with him. Many have become lost or damaged, so today we bought new foam letters! He had a difficult time at dance class and grocery shopping, so I let him buy them. He tried really hard today and though he was crying and holding his ears, he managed to go potty with my help.

I'm proud of my little man today:) His world assaults him constantly, yet he still smiles.

I entered a raffle *gasp*

Normally I do not enter raffles. I'm allergic to them. No seriously! They cause me such anxiety about spending the money, and then possibly winning but most likely not. The pros the cons. It swirls around until I'm so confused that I run away.

So I found it nice to click on the link and donate $10.00 for a good cause, and get put in a raffle that I probably won't win.. but would be cool if I did!

An Ipad would help my children with autism so much!

All proceeds raised go to The Autism Science Foundation

Paying attention to the little things

Sometimes pictures are capable of manipulating the memory into what we wish the whole moment felt like.

In reality, this was only a mere 3 seconds in time. Before and after the picture they were screaming, struggling and beating each other up. It was close to a bloody mess on my couch. Suddenly they both stopped and relaxed. Odin spaced off and Persephone was listening to a commercial on tv that had music in it. (music always calms her)

For that brief moment, they looked so serene and loving. I'm glad I was able to capture it, even if it only lasted a minute.

After all, aren't some of life's greatest things limited in time? Rainbows, orgasms, that first bite of a delicious meal, the smell of a newborn baby, true new car smell, your first crush, and a spotless house with five kids..

Today I'm going to try very hard to notice the little things. Cute photo op's with the kids, when my husband makes that attempt to show me love, when Piper tries to tell me about her day at school and when Odin snuggles in my neck and whispers over and over,
"Mama?"
"What buddy?"
"I love you."
"I love you too buddy."
"I love you so much Mama."
"I love you so much too buddy."
"You're my best buddy"
"you're my best buddy too"
"Mama?"
"What buddy?"
"I love you Mama."
"I love you too buddy"
No matter how long it goes on, I will remember to cherish those words. Some parents might never hear their autistic child say them, and mine can. And does! So today I will try hard to remember that my children with autism are not trying to annoy me with their continuous statements and rigid sentences. The underlying thought is, I love my mom and i want her to know. How can I not be touched by that?

These pictures are more than cute moments. They are my motivation to be a better mother and a better person.

The Disconnection

Is it too much to ask that he shows me kindness when he speaks to me? I feel like I'm always struggling to keep up and be with him. I'm always a pace behind. A little too fast, or a little too slow, but never are we matched in our steps anymore.

We're under the same roof, that's true. Years ago I never would have heard him say, "that's better than nothing" or "Ya what more do you want?" and yet that's what just came out of his mouth.

I'm counting the minutes down. He'll either apologize before bed, or he'll do it tomorrow sometime. If he remembers. Most likely he won't unless I bring it up. No matter how many times I tell myself that I won't bring it up, because I know he doesn't care.. I bring it up. I tell myself over and over, that I can be strong and sit here in silence. I can't. I can't stand the passive aggressiveness.

I can't just let things go either. I can't just move on without processing things. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it normal to be this confusing? And is it wrong that I don't feel confused by it myself? It seems to be met with resistance by everyone. They want me to either outright forgive them, for me to be sorry so they can forgive me, or they want me to just move on and forget about the whole thing. Everyone else does this. In fact, I haven't met one single person that doesn't. I seem to be the odd one that needs to connect and for things to be worked through. Don't let the sun go down upon your wrath. Don't ever go to bed mad. Don't leave words unspoken. Never let a sunset go down whilst angry, or leave it for the morning as one never knows if the sun rise will come again. Cherish every moment. Yadda yadda.. you get my point. Those are burned into my brain. I am anxiety ridden when presented with no end to what feels like madness to me. I am frantic in my efforts to fix and rectify the situation. I am desperate. I can feel it. Grasping at something. Anything. I can feel myself turning in my head like some bad B movie, panning in closer and the room spins.

He walked by and kissed me on the head just a second ago. Nothing was said. Just like I knew would happen. Its expected that the argument is now over. And I must now "move on." Regardless if I'm ready or willing to. I'm not ready to. I'm confused at why it feels like I'm chasing him looking for attention. I want his moods to stop dictating how I feel. I want to smile and ignore it. I want to have fun despite him and whatever he's feeling. But I want that connection back.

We played a new video game the other day, and for the first time in awhile, we had it! We smiled. We laughed. We shared. We talked about something other than the kids and money. We had fun! The next night was the same, but it was a little less.. like the newness was wearing off. The night after I asked if he wanted to play and he ignored me. I asked several times. Then I let him know that I was willing if he wanted to. He played his game by himself instead, and later claimed he never heard me. The night after was the same. Eventually I stopped asking because it felt like a rejection. (its why he ignores me instead of saying "no thanks." because he feels as long as he doesn't actually say anything, then he hasn't rejected me)

Its like we've lost some connection we had before. Was it because of his injury and the surgery and healing time? Was it because of his subsequent painkiller addiction? Is it because I feel some anger and resentment for that time period? It was one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through. The addict was not a happy person, and it was a scary time. Is it because of his ADHD and/or medication or lack of? He is constantly changing it, or missing a PA, or forgetting to take it until its too late. I feel like I have to micro manage him most of the time, and I don't want to.

Is it me? Am I being too needy? Am I wrong in thinking that we ought to talk once in awhile? We literally sit in silence most nights. A laugh or two about what the baby is doing but essentially that's it. When I'm feeling down, I try to reach out to the one person I have as a friend. Lately he hasn't been responding back in a way that is helpful. Usually he isn't responding back at all.

Tonight he told me, "Most people have friends to listen to them. You need to get friends." Seriously? When we got together, we didn't have friends. We both understood each other and knew that that whole friendship thing was something we both struggle with. And we found comfort in each other. I know a lot of that was the "falling in love" part and eventually it would dull, but it seems that I've lost my best friend in that process. I wasn't ready for that. Its been nearly 9 years. How does a relationship suddenly fall apart? I fought so hard to keep it together through so many bad parts.

Ya, I know other people have friends. I've never had friends. I don't have other friends now, at least not normal friendships. I have one friend from high school that still talks to me, but our lives have always been slightly different. She finds it hard to relate to me, and I find it hard to be misunderstood. We are friends on the phone only. Even though I've tried to make our friendship more. I've tried to get together for lunch, or suggest we BE more.. she is content the way it is. I think she once suggested that we just weren't that type of friend and that it was okay! I tried hard not to let it show that I was disappointed.

My sister in laws are sister in laws. One of them I don't even talk to.

My mother in law is the closest I have to a best friend, if I don't have my husband anymore. At least she understands me and gets me. (quite possibly because we were friends before becoming in laws. She is my age, my father in law.. much older.) So I hang onto every chance we get to talk, but she lives in Tennessee and we don't. So our friendship is limited. And even if she were here, I think it would be limited because she's now my mother in law. There are rules and lines I can't see drawn there.

I have several people that count as friends, but are still somehow not.. We feel closer than acquaintances, but yet don't act like true friends. I'm chasing a childhood dream of friendship and I don't even know what I'm doing.

As you can see, that's the friend line up. Thats it. There are no others on the outside, or close contenders. There are just, people I call my friends but don't really feel like it.. and my husband. And after tonight's comment, I think its safe to assume that he wishes I wouldn't share so much. "I know you're telling me how you feel. You're *always* telling me how you feel." was the line that hit home.

It doesn't seem fair. I want my husband I fell in love with back. I want my best friend. I want to be happy. For now happiness eludes me just as much as friendship. I'm not one for the silent treatment, or long periods of discontentment. Its why this whole thing bothers me so much. I can't resolve it on my own, and according to him there are no problems. I wish there was consistency. Can't I wish that things were more stable? One minute I'm on a pedestal (that I don't believe I deserve) and the next minute I'm a nagging bitch that does nothing but yell at him. (his words) Yet if I address the issue to try to figure out where I went wrong, he back paddles and says he didn't mean what he said and nothing is wrong.

I am confused most of the time.

Finally Someone is Listening!

I had a medication review for myself the other day at my primary care doctors. I have them every three or four months because of the pain medication I'm on for my TMJ pain.

There is always pain.

He asked how things were going with my psychiatrist and with my therapist. After hearing silence for a few too many seconds, he concluded that I am no longer seeing them. Or at least not my therapist. I told him the story of what happened. How I was unable to come up with a treatment plan goal at the 6 month review mark, and she became irratated with me and tossed her pen on her desk with an exasperated sigh. I asked her why I had to make new treatment plan goals, if the old treatment plan goals were never met? She insisted that they were met. I pointed at the paper and read.

"I will be able to leave the house and be social."  Well that's a bit generic don't you think?
"So how did I meet this goal?"  I said.
"You come here every month. I think you're doing much better. You're doing great. I don't see a problem with it. You've accomplished that goal." 
"No I haven't. You only see what I show you when I'm here. You don't realize that I showed only because I had this appointment. You don't see that this appointment was the big stressor all week long. You don't know how anxious I've been all week. All day. I have been unable to do anything all week because this one social outing is planned. And going to see my therapist shouldn't count as a social outing, but it does to me! So no, I don't see that things are any better with that goal. I don't want to change it." 
"Well you have to change it. You've accomplished it so we move on to the next one."
"You can't just tell me to move on to the next one if I don't feel like I've gained anything with this one."
"Then do something about it! Join a church! Join some support groups! Make some friends or something!"
"..... make some friends?! If making friends were that easy, don't you think I would have done that already? Maybe I wouldn't be here?"
"It is easy to make friends. You just don't want to. You enjoy being anti-social and have no real desire to leave the little bubble you're in. If you wanted to change and have friends and be social bad enough, you'd be able to do it." 

This was when she threw her pen at her desk/my direction since it bounced off and she sighed and huffed. I stopped trying to look at her. I gave up. I stared out the window instead. It was a nice day outside and the wind was blowing. It was sunny and bright. My heart sank as I heard her sigh again. So close and yet so far away. Things were going so well. Over a year I'd been seeing her. I trusted her. I should not have trusted. I gave therapy one final try like I promised my primary care psychisan I would, and it ended the same way they always do. With someone giving up on me.

I listened to her tap tap tap her pen that she'd recovered from the floor, on her desk over and over. It matched the movements I was making with my fingers on my pants, just above my knee. Back and forth, back and forth. I liked the feeling of the friction and how it heated up my hand. It was soothing. It was one of my less obvious self stimulatory movements, this particular one usually done when I was really nervous or tense.

I listened to her sigh again and felt her staring at me. I knew I should look at her, but I couldn't. It made me feel sick to my stomach to force myself to look at her eyes. It was easy to ignore the director in my head telling me what was socially expected, because I was hurt. I was not going to even try to look at her. I was going to stare out the window and watch the trees swaying and pretend she didn't exist. The voice wouldn't shut up in my head, so I decided something needed to be said. This uncomfortable silence must be broken. Obviously she was frusterated at me. So I pointed that out.

"I'm not sure why you're frustrated at me. You're the clinician. I'm the client. You appear to be more angry at me than you should be about this. These are my goals after all..."
"Yes! Yes I am angry and frustrated! You have so much potential and you just sit there and don't do anything with it! I'm frustrated for you! I.. I just.. I don't know what you want. You want to have friends but yet you won't take steps to make them, like going to events, or joining groups. I can't help you find friends if you don't want to be social. That's what having friends means! You have to be social to get them!"
"Then I guess I won't have any friends."
"I guess not! Thats entirely up to you. For now, we need to think of a new goal for you to achireve. I've got to put something down on the paper. We're running out of time. The session is almost over. Come on. Let's put something down. You know what? Just sign it and I'll write something in for you later. How's that sound? Just.. it doesn't matter. We have to put something in the blank."
"I'm not sure what to put. That was really the only goal I had."
"Then why won't I just discharge you then? Hmm? Is that what you want? Either find a new goal to write on the treatment plan or I'll discharge  you today. Whats it gonna be?... Yes? No? Discharge?"
"Whatever. Ya. Fine."
"You seem upset. You can stay, we just have to have a new goal."
"Nope. I'm good." I said as I continued to stare at the trees outside. I could feel that my lack of interest was also bothering her, but what could I do about it? She rejected my reality. Above all else, (short of honesty, which we all know is paramount for me.) I cannot stand it when someone else says that my reality isn't real. Its judgment in its purest form. Its hard to describe the feeling I get when someone tells me how I'm feeling isn't how I'm feeling, or that something that happened didn't happen. I feel angry. Furious! Then it changes to confusion. And confusion always leads to feeling scared and anxious. The quickest way to rock my world and shake my foundation is to do or say something that makes me feel confused and anxious. You know, something earth shattering like.. changing plans without telling me, or saying something that wasn't expected. Your typical normal every day earth shattering things..

Don't worry! My therapist said I was doing great remember?

At every appointment the nurse asks me how I'm doing, and I tell him. (He's completely 100% flamboyantly gay and I absolutely adore him.)  Every visit he says sympathetically, "Sounds like a pretty clear case of ADHD symptoms to me." We wait for the psychaitrst to come in, the nurse fills him in on everything including my symptoms and issues.

Every visit with the psychiatrist he would ask me how things were going. Even though the nurse just told him.(seems to be a typical doctor question, and most of the time they are not really concerned with how you're doing I've found. Its said automatically and I'm supposed to say "fine.")

I told the psychiatrist what I've told people for most of my life. That I'm tired of planning all the time. I feel like I have so many ideas, so many creative things "in the works" but nothing ever comes to fruition. I never see the end to any of my ideas. Most of the time I never even see it to the next level at all. I just sit here, research, and grind. My mind consumed with ideas and basically spinning in place. So much of my time is lost in research. I have a minimum of 35 Firefox pages up at one time. That's too many pages. Too many thoughts. Do I enjoy it that way? I do! Immensely! And I'm very upset if someone interrupts me during a crucial point in my research. Go ahead, you want to laugh. I can sense it. Its true though. I get so lost inside my own head and lost in what I'm Googling that its hard to put myself out of it. And I feel instant resentment towards whoever the offending person is.

I just wish I could take all that planning and thinking and processing to the next level. The doing level! As soon as I think about that part, I get anxious and quickly throw myself in any direction I can to swallow myself up in planning and research again.

Even writing this blog post alone has taken me two days so far. What might take someone else an hour or less to churn out, has taken me forever. Simply because I have to ruminate about every little thing. For all that time I'll bet you were expecting Shakespeare huh?

I just want to be able to relax. I want to watch my favorite tv show with a bowl of popcorn and actually watch it. Instead of just staring in the general direction (on a good night!) of the TV and thinking about things in my head. Usually I stand in front of my computer, perched neither here nor there. Half ways between enjoyment. Googling is fun and all, but I'd like to stop. But I can't. I can't turn it off at all. Truth be told I'm not even listening when people talk to me. Its a struggle sometimes to force myself to "tune in" to my kids when they talk. But I do it because I know I have to. There is no choice there. But its oh so hard..

Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent again. (you'll find I do that a lot) I made sure that every visit I told the psychiatrist how I was really feeling. And every visit he would find new ways to put me off and tell me I was an idiot. Some of the things he said were, "Great things are done by people like you." and "Try Chamomile tea." and "Just relax." Oh. Yes. Thank you! OMG! I can't believe that I didn't think of that! Just relax? Really?! OMG it worked! .... heh. I wasn't impressed.

So I decided one visit after I told him the Xanax was working as well as could be expected, and the dosage was fine. (He asked if it made me too sleepy. It did not.) to be more forward than I previously was and directly ask what I was wondering. I wanted to know how ADHD presented itself in women and if it looked differently. Of course, you know I already know the answer to that but I wanted to have a diolauge with the person that was supposed to be helping me. (I learned many years ago that doctors don't like it when I know more than they do and its often the quickest way to finding a new doctor...so I'm forced to pretend I know less than I do. I have to fly under the radar to even be listened to at all.)

Mr wonderful all knowing psychiatrist said, "You're sitting aren't you? You don't have ADHD. People with ADHD can't sit in chairs at all. Do you have friends? People with ADHD don't have any friends at all. What about school? You were good in school? Definitely not ADHD. Nope."

Must.. have... stimulants...

"Uh. Okay. I wasn't aware that being able to sit down was how things were ruled out according to the DSM.."  my voice tapered off until it was barely audible. I watched as he scribbled the same script for Xanax he'd been giving me, only with .5 mg's docked from it as some odd form of punishment for daring to ask about my treatment. I saw written in his chicken scratch  handwriting in the notes section of my chart, "Seeking stimulants."


"I'll see you back in four months!"  he said with a grin and the happiest sounding voice I'd ever heard.

I didn't even bother to look up from the floor. I was stunned. Shocked. Guilty. Ashamed. In the span of only seconds, I had convinced myself that he was right. I was nothing but a loser that was seeking some prescription drug high and how dare I? I should be ashamed of myself. By the time I reached the hallway, and passed the nurse who again looked at me with some odd mix of pity and sympathy, the anger had begun to set in. I made small circles over the smoothness of my thumbs. The feeling calmed me. It was less obtrusive and no one could see me doing that. I really wanted to rock back and forth, and while waiting to check out at the desk I caught myself doing it and was able to stop. I can't say anyone saw me do it and gave me dirty looks, because I don't look at them that closely. In fact, rarely do I look at anyone except my children.

Ashamed for no reason.

By the time I got in the car, the tears were falling and I had a hard time explaining to my husband why I was so upset. The feeling of being called a drug seeker, even on paper.. it was too much. The guilty feelings over things I didn't do have always confused me. Someday that's what I would like. I would like to feel less. Believe me. Just because people with autism don't always say they feel empathetic, or show you in the ways you'd like. We do feel emotions. Personally, I'm like a sponge. I feel so much emotion around me that it overwhelms me and I can't concentrate. Its the reason why I can't tolerate the silent treatment or other things like that. Emotions must be put to words somehow.

So yesterday at my primary care doctors office, I told him that whole story from beginning to end. I didn't cry, but I didn't pretend happiness either. My doctor told me I needed to fire the other people, so he could assume care for my psychological medication again. He said I was, "just oozing" as he called it, with ADHD symptoms.
"Why were you not checked to see if you have it?"  I don't have an answer. He asked about my childhood, and then handed me a rating scale. He said I can take it in 2 weeks when I have my return appointment, so he can have it on file formally.

However he said, "I don't need to see it to know. Its pretty obvious just by what you're describing. I think I can help you. In fact, I know I can." 

And that brings me to today. Someone finally listened! I know that technically one can't be diagnosed with both Autism and ADHD, however its becoming more the "norm" to put it on paper that way because them it helps people, especially parents, to remember that ADHD symptoms are present in Autism and that they too are a part of the big picture.


Maybe I'll try medication. Maybe I won't. I'm not sure yet. I know there is the issue of it causing aggression or other things, because I'm autistic. It'll have to be something we take one day at a time. For now, I'm truly happy that someone is listening for once. Someone else knows that I'm not happy with what I've accomplished in life, and that I want more from it. This could be a turning point for me. This could be the moment of real hope.

Well, two days has now turned into three so I should probably post this extremely long and boring blog post. Thanks for reading and if you're new to my website, get comfortable! Its always a bumpy ride around here!

My Struggles With Blogging and Anonymity

I've struggled with the idea of separating my blog for awhile now. Part of me wants to keep it semi-private, while the other part of me want to announce it and shout it from the rooftops. Its that open and closed part of myself that annoys me the most. Generally speaking, I am a private person. I keep my shades closed and I hate the sound of someone knocking on my door. Online however it feels different to me. I know for many people on the spectrum, the internet provides that anonymity that they crave. The problem is, I realize its false. I am not a secret. In a matter of clicks you can connect other profiles to other sites, and bam! My identity is pretty obvious and I'm easy to find. I can be found on thousands of websites in one Google search. I've had an online presence since 1996 and I can't just wipe that away. I don't even want to! But sometimes I struggle with blogging about things that feel private. Maybe its because I creep on my neighbors online. (and everyone else I know.) Maybe its because I can't get over how open other people really are. Or maybe it's simply that people don't give a shit?

I see you..

Do you know how easy you are to Google? Do you realize that I know everything about you? I've told people that I looked them up before. And I was shocked. Flabbergasted really! To hear them nonchalantly say, "Oh ya?" And that was that. Oh ya?! Seriously? I just told you that I stalked you online. I know where your work, your home address, your phone number, and I know that you hate  your mother in law and you had sex last night with an ex boyfriend that's the most hideous creature ever born on earth, but that you're desperate and horny so that doesn't matter. I know that you can't pay your rent, but that you bought a new car. Oops. Never mind. The new boy toy bought you a new car, you just sleep with him to keep him making payments. And the day I found out you had a freckle on your inner thigh right next to your va-jayjay was the day I realized I knew too much. My cup of coffee every morning, and a click to see your latest post.

But back to my issue. I told you that I stalk you and you don't care. Now I'm left wondering if I'm in the minority. And how can I feel two opposing things at once? I want a blog. I want traffic and visitors, and even yearn to reach out to people, especially other mothers that have a disability or are struggling with a mental or neurological disorder. And yet I'm extremely private and, yes.. I'll say it.. paranoid. I think you're a social worker hired by DHS to spy on me and report back how many diapers I didn't change immediately after the baby peed in them, and how many dinners are cereal because I'm too frazzled to cook dinner. Or maybe you're just a family member. ... except I don't have many of those I talk to. Wait, that's worse. Maybe you're one of the ones I don't talk to! I keep you out of my life because I don't want you in it. But here you are, reading my every thought I put here. And short of making my blog completely private, there isn't anything I can do about it. (though I suppose if I was willing to move my blog elsewhere I could utilize IP blocking but that's besides the point.)

So just exactly why do I blog again? I seem to be nothing but a contradiction in every sentence. I confuse even myself. I learned years ago to write down things that confuse me, so here it goes.

I am blogging for several reasons. I will list my reasons. They are in no particular order of importance.

1. I want to preserve memories and thoughts about my life and my family's, as well as save pictures and videos.
   
2. I want to write down my struggles and successes as a parent with a disability. 
3. I want readers to be able to connect with me. As strange as this sounds after reading the above paragraphs, I want readers to get to know me in a way that most people don't. I want them to be able to relate in some way and share my journey through life.
4. I want people, women, and parents to be able to find information about Autism, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder and other various issues that I have first hand knowledge about. I want to be a source of information and also entertainment. Because lets face it, my life is chaotic and crazy! 
5. I want to be more consistent in my delivery of this content so that my readers will always have something to keep them entertained. 
6. I want to find comfort and healing through this blog, by knowing that everything in it might be public knowledge. I want to eventually feel okay about this. So in part, I consider this an important part of my personal therapy. 
7. I would like to make millions of dollars in revenue by delivering highly entertaining content.  
8. I want to enjoy myself while writing and have a place that I can feel free to share what I create.
9. I want to be able to share my graphic designs, photographs, poetry and stories with a larger audience beyond my husband and kids. 
10. I want to accomplish something bigger than myself.

So why have I written this today? Well, I realized that its taking a lot of energy to try to separate what I want to write about my life in general (like a journal) and what I want to educate people on. (autism, ADHD, etc) The two really are intertwined. I cannot take the autism out of my life, any more than I can take away my natural eye color. I can mask it but its always really there in my DNA. So I decided against separating my journal type blog, from my autism blog. Who am I? I'm a mother, and a wife. I'm a woman with autism, and anxiety disorder. I'm a mother to several special needs children and I have a husband with ADHD. I'm Pagan, but struggle with integrating that into my life on a daily basis now that I have children, and find myself hating that in order to be understood I have to box myself into the category of Wicca. I'm an ex Christian, abused by their dogma and brought down by the holier than thou believers. I believe in co-existing with other religions. Christianity I've found for the most part, does not. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and emotional, mental and physical abuse in my teen years and adult life. I'm an recovering self mutilator (cutter) and quit smoking cold turkey 4 years ago. I've been incorrectly diagnosed with quite a few things, and finally after years.. correctly diagnosed. I spent years on medication that I didn't need to take.

There are so many different things that make me who I am. Its not possible to fit them all in this paragraph, or separate them into different blogs to target different audiences, even though that's what gets the best traffic. (most websites tell me anyway) What matters is that you all know I'm about as diverse as it comes. Marching to the beat of my own drummer, is the best sentence I could use to describe me. And best yet? No one else even hears the beat I'm marching too. (and they're all marching the other way lol)

Please know, if you read old posts you might find that I tried to use various pseudonyms to conceal my identity, or my children. The problem is, I find that extremely impersonal. (which I should like right?.. wrong.) I have this need to connect with readers, and that connection can only be done when I'm telling the truth. No matter how awful it might be. Anyone that truly knows me in real life knows that I value truth over anything else. Even if it hurts. So I think I have this real need to convey that to my readers. No matter what parts of my life need improvement. No matter the mistakes I've made. No matter how imperfect I may be, I am always going to be honest. Without honesty, what do we have?

Though my life might be entertaining to read, and my issues I deal with every day.. well, I don't often hear stories quite like mine. Other times my posts can be depressing. Sometimes they might make you angry. Maybe you feel pity. Maybe you hate me. Maybe you love me. At the end of the day, I know I wrote the truth and hopefully so do you. Its that connection that I'm really reaching for.

So please, when you read my blog; try to remember that I'm writing it for many purposes. If you know me in real life, (online friends don't count here, sorry!) please do us both a favor and don't tell me you're reading my blog. Stalk me if you'd like, but lets keep it a secret. If I've written something about you and haven't concealed your identity, then by all means let me know and I'll rectify that immediately. (and then I'll pretend that you never told me you found my blog) Sometimes when I'm writing (with honesty) I don't remember to leave out those details. Because to me, the details are whats important. But rest assured I never put full names and addresses or anything crazy like that. For some reason I just have a real hard time changing peoples first names. Its almost like I cannot tell the story with fake names or it changes everything for me. I spent so much time trying to remember who is who, and what name I need to use for what person that the whole thing I was trying to write is lost and the moment, gone.

In a perfect world, no one that I know will ever find this blog and I can remain a wonderful mystery person. I'll have a million followers and become insanely popular. (and make those millions) I would be happy with a handful of loyal readers, and people that honestly can connect with what I'm writing and know that what they read is real. This is me. This is my life. Enjoy the ride.

A tour of Odin's preschool

In an hour the kids case manager is bringing me to tour the autism preschool in town. I'm blogging about it because I'm more nervous than anything I've done before and I'm absolutely not sure about sending him there. None of my children have left my sight this young. He's only three! Its only a few hours a day, and its not even every day. He's my baby boy though and I'm not sure if I'm ready to reliquish control. I dont' like the fact that Ivy leaves and goes to school because I KNOW that things come up that she has problems with during the day and I'm not convinced its being taken care of in 100% the best way. We're all human, but I don't know if I can risk my little boy being in that position.

I want to like it. I want to go in and find toys on shelves, and calanders, and visual supports, and heaps of sensory toys in every corner. I want to believe that an autism preschool would know not to play loud music at snack time, or that the sound of clapping makes him cry. I guess I've had no one to rely on for so long, no one that knew what I was going through.. that I don't feel I can trust anyone now. sigh I want today to be a good day. I'm going to go get dressed. Ya it was a lazy morning. Time to be productive and look at a preschool!!

My children are pretty good looking..

My car is broken and my kids are puking, but here's my update anyway. I've been playing around with Picasa and trying to get a good collage maker, but it seems this one is a bit limited. Oh well. It was fun to work with. I was hoping to be able to use a grid instead of using the picture photo pile way, but I guess you can't size the pictures in any other template so photo pile way it is. Let's see, anything else of mundane news? Did I mention a broken car? The strut and shock finally went in the van so we are temporarily without wheels. But its okay, because we have a big screen tv now! (Its not okay but I'm trying to deal with my anxiety by saying it is) So as you can see by the above pictures, we were going to go have our family picture taken yet again, and I caved in and we canceled. I just can't deal with paying that much money and watching them throw away pictures of my beautiful babies because I can't afford another few hundred. So I threw up a sheet and got my phone and started taking some pictures to make myself feel like less of a failure. The Iphone4 takes pretty good pictures, but I haven't printed any yet to see just how good the resolution would be. Of course nothing beats my regular camera for that. (I can dream to get a *real* camera someday, but alas.. that is a dream)

I do however have some awesome picture taking skills that I Hope to someday put to good use. Until then I will have fun taking pictures of whatever i can. :)

Yes! Its Graphic Fun Time!

I admit it. I'm a geek. And I'm absolutely in love with Adobe Photoshop CS5. So I figured I'd celebrate with a new background to spruce things up a bit in here. (: Alright, its time to head to bed. I've stayed up far too late designing things. Again. And 7am comes early!

Persephone's cute braids.

Today she said "soar" while holding onto a dinosaur and chasing me around the house growling and saying "rawr!" XD it was so cute :)

Happy Saint Patricks Day!

We had a great day today, complete with a surprise box from Gramma and Grampa and boiled dinner crockpot style! The kids had a great time and I loved seeing them so happy :)

It's purple day at pre-school! And she did it herself!

Yep. I think it's time for a new tv...

Persephone Jade's 17 month old pictures

After another appointment for pictures canceled, I decided to see what I could take on my own. I think this picture of Persephone came out really nice. Not as crisp as I'm used to, but then again.. this is with my Iphone 4 and not with my real camera at all. Impressive, I think. (I might be biased though since I think my daughter is gorgeous)

Spring is right around the corner, we turned our clocks ahead this morning and I can't wait for warmer weather!

More pictures to come shortly..

Photos of moi

My Mothers ring that Sierra got me finally came today! It's gorgeous!! <3

Ivy's last day of friendship group at school

Piper all pretty in purple

We are waiting patiently for spring!